What you need to know about abandonment issues (and how to deal)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn the signs and symptoms of different types of abandonment issues. Plus, how to treat abandonment issues or help someone else heal from abandonment.
If you’ve been in a close, intimate relationship, you’ve probably had moments of fear that your partner could leave you. It’s normal to cringe at the thought of your loved one finding someone else, or deciding they want out of the relationship, but if these fears plague your every day, it could be a sign of something a bit deeper.
Constantly worrying about your loved ones leaving you, also known as abandonment issues, is far more common than many realize. It often lurks beneath the surface and quietly shapes the way we navigate our relationships. Whether rooted in early childhood experiences or triggered by difficult moments in life, these deep-seated fears can cast a long shadow that can color how we relate to those we love.
For those who experience abandonment issues, the fear of being left alone or rejected can create extreme anxiety or unbreakable emotional barriers that make it difficult to trust and rely on others, or ever feel truly secure in a relationship. But there is hope! Keep reading for how to deal with these overwhelming fears.
What are abandonment issues?
Abandonment issues are most commonly associated with feelings of fear of being left alone, rejected, or not valued by those we love. These fears can be born from real life experiences where someone in life hurt you, or left you alone when you needed them.
More often than not, abandonment issues are born in childhood when a parent either physically left, or was emotionally checked out. Abandonment issues can also be internalized later in life after a painful breakup, or the loss of a loved one. Sometimes, they come from feeling emotionally neglected or unsupported in your current relationships, but can develop even if you haven’t experienced a traumatic event.
When you have abandonment issues, you might struggle to trust others, or you might always worry about being left. You might find it hard to believe that people will stick around for you. This can make relationships challenging because you might be afraid to get too close to others. This fear could manifest in a worry that you’ll smother people and drive them away, or a worry that you’ll learn to rely on them before they unexpectedly disappear. In other words, it’s hard to find the right balance of trust and attachment.
8 signs of abandonment issues to look out for
Everyone's experiences with attachments and relationships are unique, which means that the way abandonment issues might show up varies from person to person. Signs of abandonment issues may not always be obvious, especially if they’ve been a part of your life for a long time, so here are a few common signs to watch out for.
Fear of abandonment: A deep-seated fear that people will leave or reject you, leading to anxiety in relationships or clinging behavior to avoid being alone.
Insecurity: Constant feelings of inadequacy or not being good enough. These feelings make it difficult to trust that others will stay.
Attachment issues: Difficulty forming secure attachments, which may manifest as either being overly dependent on others (anxious attachment) or avoiding close relationships altogether (avoidant attachment).
Trust issues: Difficulty trusting others, often expecting betrayal or rejection, which can lead to sabotaging relationships or pushing people away.
Low self-esteem: Feeling unworthy of love or attention, which can lead to unhealthy relationships or constantly seeking validation from others.
Emotional reactivity: Overreacting to perceived slights or rejections, which can cause emotional outbursts or shutting down emotionally to protect oneself.
People-pleasing: Trying to prevent abandonment by constantly putting others' needs before your own, even at the expense of your wellbeing.
Difficulty being alone: An intense fear of being alone, bringing a reliance on others for a sense of security and self-worth.
Treating abandonment issues: 9 mindful tips to help you heal
When you struggle with abandonment issues, it can be hard to connect with those you care about. This can leave you feeling lonely, which ironically is where a fear of abandonment often stems from — fear of ultimately being left alone. By dealing with abandonment issues head on and taking small, mindful steps, you can start to manage your fears and build healthier relationships.
1. Focus on personal growth to build a stronger you
Work towards building a stronger sense of self that isn’t as reliant on others for validation. This can help reduce your fear of abandonment, as you’ll be more confident in your ability to thrive on your own. It’s a gradual process, so take small steps toward becoming the person you want to be. Explore how you can take control of your life in 10 empowering ways.
2. Build self-esteem to increase self-confidence
When you feel good about yourself, you’re less likely to fear others leaving you, because you recognize your own worth.
Focus on activities that make you feel confident and valued, whether it’s a hobby, learning something new, or taking care of your physical health. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, and remind yourself regularly of your strengths and accomplishments.
💙 Find self acceptance and inner-strength with our 7 Days of Self-Esteem series.
3. Challenge negative thoughts when they arise
Abandonment issues often come with a lot of negative thoughts, like “I’m not good enough” or “Everyone will leave me eventually.” Challenge these thoughts and replace them with more positive and realistic ones.
For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “They haven’t texted back, they must be losing interest,” change this to, “They might just be busy, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care.” Over time, changing these thought patterns can help reduce your anxiety and build a more positive outlook on your relationships.
💙 If you struggle with challenging negative thoughts, start with our Overcome Negative Thinking meditation.
4. Practice mindfulness to stay centered and calm
By practicing mindfulness, you can learn to stay present in the moment, rather than getting lost in worries about the future or regrets about the past. This can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without letting them control you.
Simple mindfulness exercises, like deep breathing, meditation, or mindful walking, can help calm your mind and reduce the intensity of your fears. Explore these 12 essential mindfulness practices for cultivating inner-peace.
💙 If mindfulness is new to you, explore our Mindfulness for Beginners series with Jeff Warren.
5. Develop healthy relationships with those you care about
Look for relationships that bring mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Healthy relationships are based on equality, where both people feel safe and valued, so set boundaries and ensure your needs are being met, rather than just trying to keep the other person happy.
If you find yourself in a relationship that triggers your abandonment fears, discuss these feelings with the other person, or seek support from a therapist. Check out these 11 relationship goals to help you build a healthy partnership.
6. Make time for self-care no matter how busy your schedule
Pay attention to your physical, emotional, and mental needs, and make sure you get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, and take time to relax and unwind. Set boundaries and say no to things that drain your energy or make you feel overwhelmed.
By prioritizing your wellbeing, you send a message to yourself that you’re worthy of care and respect, and this can help counteract feelings of abandonment. Here are 20+ self-care practices to help you prioritize your wellbeing.
💙 Making time for yourself can be difficult when your life is in full-swing. Check out the Radical Self-Care series to get you started.
7. Communicate openly with those you interact with
Open communication can help you feel more connected and secure, so try to express your fears and needs honestly in a relationship. This can help prevent misunderstandings and build trust. Practice sharing your feelings with the people close to you, and let them know when something is triggering your fears.
💙 We know communication can be difficult, so explore our Listening session from our Relationship With Others series.
8. Seek therapy to support yourself
A therapist can help you explore the root causes of your fears and guide you in developing healthier ways to cope. As you talk about your feelings, learn more about your patterns, and practice new behaviors, you may begin to feel more secure. Consider individual therapy, group therapy, support groups, or couples counseling to support your healing journey.
9. Be patient with yourself as you grow
Healing from abandonment issues takes time, so be patient with yourself. You might have setbacks, or feel like you’re not making progress as quickly as you’d like, but that’s okay. Be kind to yourself, celebrate your successes, and remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. Here are seven ways to cultivate more patience.
With persistence and self-compassion, you can overcome your fears and build the secure, fulfilling relationships you deserve.
💙 Discover how to increase your Patience from our 7 Days of Calm series.
How to help someone with abandonment issues
If you have a partner or loved one who often struggles with fears of being left behind or rejected, you know it can lead to behaviors that are sometimes hard to understand or manage. They could become cold and distant when they feel emotional, or they could move to anger before they show their sadness. While these behaviors could be baffling, with patience, understanding, and empathy, you can help them feel more secure and supported.
Be consistent and reliable
Follow through on your promises — be there when you say you will, and maintain regular contact. Even small actions, like responding to texts promptly or showing up on time, can help build trust and ease fears. If you aren’t able to be there for them, don’t over-promise and then under-deliver as this could be triggering.
Listen actively
Let them share their feelings and fears without judgment, and give them space to express themselves. Be fully present in the conversation, show empathy, and avoid interrupting or offering solutions right away.
Offer reassurance
Regularly remind the person that you care about them, that you’re not going anywhere, and that their fears are understandable. Simple statements like “I’m here for you,” or “You’re important to me,” can help calm their fears. If you feel that you’re having to reassure this person more regularly than feels comfortable, you can always draw a gentle boundary.
Encourage professional help
This is tricky as it’s generally not appropriate to suggest someone else go to therapy. Therapy can provide them with tools and strategies to manage their anxiety and work through the causes of their abandonment issues, but it has to be their decision. If you want to have that conversation, start by asking if they’ve ever considered therapy before.
Be patient and understanding
There may be times when the person’s behavior is difficult to understand, perhaps when they’re overly clingy or have intense reactions to small things. Try to stay calm and remember that these behaviors are often rooted in deep-seated fears. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells routinely, have a calm discussion with the person about how you’re feeling as well.
Set healthy boundaries
If someone’s abandonment issues lead to behaviors that are draining or overwhelming for you, set limits on what you can handle. Communicate your boundaries clearly and kindly, and explain that setting these limits doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. In fact, boundaries can actually help strengthen the relationship by ensuring that both people’s needs are respected.
Avoid triggers when possible
Certain situations or behaviors might trigger your loved one’s abandonment fears. Canceling plans last minute, being unresponsive for long periods, or withdrawing emotionally can all heighten their anxiety. If you need to change plans or take time for yourself, try to communicate this in a way that reassures them that you’re not abandoning them.
Be mindful of your own needs
Make sure you’re also getting the support you need, whether that’s through talking to friends, self-care, or seeking professional guidance. Taking care of yourself ensures that you’re in a good place to support your loved one.
Encourage them to focus on their strengths
Encourage your loved one to recognize and celebrate their strengths and achievements. Help them see they have value and worth outside their relationships with others. This can help them build a more positive self-image, which can help reduce their fears of abandonment over time.
Acknowledge progress, no matter how small
Celebrate the small victories along the way, whether it’s them opening up about their feelings, handling a situation with less anxiety, or simply recognizing their own worth.
Abandonment issues FAQs
What causes abandonment issues?
Abandonment issues often develop from experiences that made you feel rejected, neglected, or unsupported. They may start in childhood, but can sometimes arise later in life. These feelings can come from losing a parent through death, divorce, or emotional neglect.
Even if the abandonment wasn’t intentional, a series of smaller, consistent experiences of being let down or ignored can leave lasting emotional scars that affect how you relate to others. This can make you feel unsafe or unloved in relationships as an adult.
Can abandonment issues be overcome completely?
Abandonment issues can be dealt with, but healing takes time and effort. With the right support, such as therapy, you can work through your fears, understand emotional triggers, and develop healthier coping strategies.
Overcoming these issues often involves learning to trust again, building self-esteem, and challenging negative thought patterns. While it may not happen quickly, consistent effort can help you manage these fears, so you can feel more secure and confident in your relationships.
What are the long-term effects of untreated abandonment issues?
If abandonment issues go untreated, they can have long-lasting effects on your emotional wellbeing and relationships. You might struggle to trust others, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.
Low self-esteem and fears of not being good enough can also develop, making it hard to form healthy connections. Untreated issues can lead to self-sabotage, where you push people away, creating a cycle of loneliness and rejection. Over time, this can contribute to anxiety, depression, and chronic stress, affecting your overall quality of life. However, it’s never too late to seek help, break these patterns, and build a more fulfilling, connected life.
How can I communicate effectively with someone experiencing abandonment issues?
When communicating with someone with abandonment issues, let them know you care about them and won’t leave because of their fears or insecurities. Be patient, clear, and consistent.
Reassure them through your words and actions, showing that their feelings matter to you. Practice active listening, giving them space to express their concerns without interruption or judgment. Acknowledge their fears, even if you don’t fully understand them, and check in regularly, especially if they seem anxious.
Consistency in your communication can help build trust, which can make it easier for them to open up and feel secure in the relationship.
Why do I have abandonment issues if I was never abandoned?
Abandonment issues can develop even if you were never physically abandoned by someone important in your life. These issues often stem from how you felt emotionally in your relationships rather than from specific events, such as if you grew up in an environment where you felt ignored, unloved, or unimportant.
Sometimes, these issues can arise from witnessing events like a difficult divorce or a sudden loss, which can create anxiety about being left, even if it didn’t happen directly to you. If you have an anxious attachment style, often developed in childhood from inconsistent caregiving, you might be more prone to fearing abandonment, even in situations where there’s no real threat.
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