Respond vs react: 5 tips to slow down (and why it's important)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore the differences between reacting and responding and why it's important. Plus, 5 tips to help you learn how to slow down and respond versus quickly react.
When someone says or does something that upsets us, our impulse may be to react right away, letting them know how we feel. But when emotions are running high, these reactions may not be as helpful or kind as we’d like them to be in the long run. While reacting may feel good in the moment, taking time to let emotions settle and respond from a more grounded place will lead to better outcomes in all of our relationships.
What’s the difference between reacting and responding?
A reaction is typically quick and emotional, driven by our immediate feelings and less by thoughtful consideration. It's often automatic, immediate, and emotional, and can be influenced by our past experiences and subconscious. Reactions can also lead to unintended — and sometimes negative — consequences. For example, if someone says something that upsets us, we might snap back quickly without really thinking about it, making the problem worse.
By contrast, a response is more thoughtful, deliberate, and rooted in higher levels of emotional intelligence. It involves analyzing the situation and then considering what we’re feeling and why we’re feeling it. Responding involves considering the possible outcomes, and choosing a course of action that’s aligned with our goals.
The neuroscience of reacting versus responding
Different parts of our brain are active during reaction and response processes. When we react, the more primitive part of our brain, which processes emotions, takes charge quickly. This part of the brain, known as the amygdala, doesn’t consider long-term effects or rational thinking. Instead, it focuses on immediate survival and quick responses to threats. But when we respond, the prefrontal cortex — the area of the brain associated with decision-making and social behavior — takes the lead. This part allows us to weigh options, think about consequences, and make choices based on reasoning rather than emotion.
5 tips for learning how to respond instead of react
You can significantly improve your interactions with others and your personal wellbeing if you learn to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Incorporating several of these practices into your daily routine can help you improve your communication skills and enhance your ability to handle stressful situations.
1. Pause and breathe
A simple but powerful technique is to take a short break as soon as you feel overwhelmed or emotionally charged. Close your eyes if possible, and take a few deep breaths. This can help slow the physical sensations of stress and give your mind a moment to catch up before you speak or act. This pause can transform a potential overreaction into a measured response.
💙 Take a moment to Pause to Breathe and settle into your body before responding.
2. Reflect before you speak
Before you respond, take a moment to consider what you want to accomplish. Will an immediate reaction help you reach this goal? Reflecting can help you align your actions with your objectives to encourage a purposeful, beneficial response.
💙 Whatever your goal may be, engaging in Kind Communication when you respond can go a long way.
3. Practice active listening
Fully understanding the other person's perspective can be essential in responding effectively. Listen actively, giving your full attention to the speaker. Consider their words thoughtfully and try not to plan what you’re going to say while they’re speaking. This technique can help you respond more thoughtfully, and also makes the other person feel heard and respected, which can defuse potential conflicts.
💙 Tune into the session on Listening in our Relationship With Other Series to help you develop your listening skills.
4. Identify your triggers
Everyone has specific triggers, which can be defined as situations, words, or behaviors that provoke an intense emotional reaction. Try to identify situations where you react, and explore what the trigger might be. Having an awareness of these triggers can help you feel prepared to handle them more calmly when they arise, so you can choose a more thoughtful response.
💙 Learn how to Label Your Emotions after you get triggered to have greater awareness of what bothers you.
5. Use ‘I’ statements
When it’s time to respond, express your thoughts and feelings by starting sentences with "I" instead of "you." For example, say, "I feel upset when" instead of "You make me upset." This approach can help focus on your personal experience rather than accusing or blaming the other person, so that your exchange can be more constructive and less confrontational.
💙 Find guidance on how to respond, and not react, when you have to De-escalate Conflict in this session from the Relationship with Others series.
5 questions to ask yourself before responding
Cultivating a habit of responding thoughtfully can lead to more constructive, empathetic interactions. There are several questions to ask yourself in moments of potential conflict or stress that can help guide your thought process from a reactive mindset to a more compassionate approach.
By asking these questions, you encourage yourself to take a step back, evaluate the situation thoroughly, and choose a response. This can reduce misunderstandings and support stronger relationships with others.
1. What am I feeling right now?
Acknowledge your current emotional state. Identify your feelings to understand what your immediate reaction might say about your subconscious and, therefore, why a situation might be affecting you strongly. This can help you address these emotions directly in your response.
2. What outcome do I hope to achieve?
Consider what you ultimately want from the interaction. Whether it's to resolve a conflict, communicate a point, or offer support, keep the desired outcome in mind so you can align your responses with your objectives.
3. How can I express my feelings constructively?
Think about how you can communicate your feelings in a way that’s honest yet respectful. Aim to share your thoughts with clarity and calmness to avoid escalating the situation.
4. What might the other person be feeling or needing?
Shift some of your focus to the other person involved. Empathize with what they might be experiencing to help tailor your response and be more sensitive and effective in addressing both people’s needs.
5. Is there more information I need before responding?
Sometimes, our urge to react quickly can lead to misunderstandings. Consider whether you have all the necessary information to make a well-informed response. If you’re unsure, it’s okay to ask questions or take time to gather more details.
Respond vs react FAQs
What role does emotional intelligence play in reacting and responding?
Emotional intelligence can be essential in shifting from reacting to responding. When you’re emotionally intelligent, you can manage your feelings in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others. This can allow you to choose considerate and effective responses, rather than reactions that may be impulsive and potentially harmful. By enhancing your emotional intelligence, you can improve your interactions, making them more empathetic and productive.
What are some daily practices to differentiate reacting from responding?
To build a habit of responding thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively, try bringing these daily practices into your routine.
Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or mindful walking, which can increase your awareness of the present moment. This can help you recognize your emotional state before you react.
Journaling: Keep a daily journal of situations where you reacted and note how you could have responded differently. This reflection can improve your self-awareness and help you make better choices in the future.
Setting intentions: Begin your day by setting intentions around how you want to handle challenging interactions. Preparation can help you stay committed to responding thoughtfully throughout the day.
Role-playing: Try role-playing exercises with a friend or therapist to practice your responses in different scenarios. This can help build your confidence and skill in handling real-life situations more effectively.
How can mindfulness meditation help in controlling impulsive reactions?
Mindfulness meditation can help train your brain to focus on the present moment, which is essential for controlling impulsive reactions. By regularly practicing mindfulness, you can develop a greater awareness of your thoughts and feelings as they arise. This awareness can give you the space to choose how you respond to those thoughts and feelings, instead of automatically reacting to them. Over time, mindfulness can help decrease the frequency and intensity of impulsive reactions, leading to more measured and thoughtful responses.
How can I measure my progress in learning to respond rather than react?
Measuring progress in learning to respond rather than react can be achieved in several ways.
Self-assessment: Regularly reflect on how you handled interactions in different situations and consider whether you managed to respond in a way that aligns with your intentions.
Feedback from others: Ask for feedback from people you interact with often. They might provide insights into whether they've noticed improvements in the way you handle emotions and conflicts.
Observation of outcomes: Notice the outcomes of your interactions. A decrease in conflicts and an increase in positive resolutions can indicate progress in responding thoughtfully.
Emotional resilience: Monitor your emotional resilience, which is your ability to recover from setbacks. Increased resilience can suggest you’re responding more effectively, managing stress better, and not letting emotions control your actions.
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