What is trauma dumping? 7 ways to stop oversharing
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore what trauma dumping is, including examples and why people may do it. Plus, how to handle being dumped on and 7 ways to stop your own oversharing.
We’ve all had those days where we need to call a friend to vent, and the truth is that talking about difficult times is an essential part of the healing process. Sharing our pain allows us to release negative emotions and gain perspective on our situation, but there is such a thing as oversharing.
Talking through your struggles with people you trust can be a powerful way to connect and find support. But the emotional availability and needs of the person you choose to confide in should certainly be considered before any venting sessions.
Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “trauma dumping” in the media or in life. This colloquial term basically means oversharing deeply personal, even traumatic experiences without the other person being emotionally prepared or capable of taking on such intense information. While the sharing could lead to feelings of relief or validation for one person, the other could end up feeling overwhelmed, unprepared, or even stressed, which could put stress on the relationship.
What is trauma dumping?
Trauma dumping happens when someone shares their traumatic experiences in a way that feels overwhelming and maybe even inappropriate to the person listening. It can occur without warning — often happening when someone desperately needs to talk, but the listener is unprepared to handle the intensity of the information being shared.
Trauma dumping can happen in face-to-face conversations, over the phone, or online through social media. While some folks may feel like social media is a great place to vent, there’s a reason why many people list trigger warnings before posting something traumatic in a public setting. Without these, a post detailing a traumatic experience could negatively affect those who see it, potentially bringing up painful memories.
Healthy venting vs. trauma dumping
Sharing your feelings is important, but there’s a difference between healthy venting and trauma dumping.
Healthy venting involves expressing your thoughts and emotions in a balanced way, considering the other person’s ability to listen. This might mean checking they’re in the right headspace, and ensuring the conversation is mutual. It might also mean considering their past trauma or triggers so you know whether or not they are the right person to receive the information you hope to share.
In contrast, trauma dumping occurs when someone shares intensely personal or distressing experiences without considering whether the listener can handle it. This can feel overwhelming, as the listener might not know how to respond or protect their own emotional wellbeing. Trauma dumping is one-sided and can strain relationships.
Why do people trauma dump?
They need validation: If someone doesn’t have adequate support they could feel isolated and be looking for acknowledgment when times get tough.
They lack effective coping skills: When someone doesn’t have proper coping skills, they may find themselves turning to others for relief. Explore these 14 healthy coping strategies to cope with real life.
They feel overwhelmed: If someone is feeling particularly overwhelmed they may find themselves sharing built-up emotions impulsively.
They don’t recognize boundaries: We all turn to our people for support, but those who trauma dump may be existing in a mindset that caring relationships allow for them to share anything at any time.
They need a quick fix: Those without adequate coping strategies could believe that talking about their trauma will provide immediate relief.
They lack support: Some people are just looking for a way to cope and without access to professional help or a strong support system, they could find themselves trauma dumping on their friends or family.
6 examples of trauma dumping
In a world where we all want to be supportive of everyone’s journeys, trauma dumping can slip under the radar. Here are a few ways it may be manifesting in life (that you might not even notice.)
Oversharing on social media
If someone is posting a detailed, emotional account of a traumatic experience without considering how it might affect others, they’re likely trauma dumping. It’s important to note if someone posts a trigger warning before sharing a traumatic event or story, they may be trying to protect people from feeling distressed while reading it. Here are 10 signs that social media is impacting your wellbeing.
Unloading on a friend without warning
Bringing up traumatic events in a casual conversation without checking if the person they’re speaking to is ready or willing to listen is an example of trauma dumping. It’s never okay to just unload on a friend without making sure they’re prepared to listen. Here are eight active listening techniques to help improve communication.
Sharing in a group setting
A dinner party may not be the right setting to process your breakup. Bringing up sensitive topics in a public or group environment where not everyone’s prepared for such heavy content, could be an example of trauma dumping.
Using someone as a sounding board repeatedly
We all have that one friend who’s a great listener but it’s important that we don’t make them into a therapist. Using one specific person as a go-to for support, making the listener feel emotionally triggered or burnt out is an example of trauma dumping.
Inappropriate timing
Bringing up a traumatic event at the wrong time, like during a quick check-in at work or while running errands could be an indication of trauma dumping. Picking the wrong time to vent can make it hard for the listener to engage properly, and can add stress to an already busy moment.
Turning every conversation back to trauma
When tough life moments hit, it’s tempting to be consumed by them, but other people’s lives should also be considered in conversation. If you’re continually redirecting conversations back to the trauma you want to vent about, regardless of the original topic or others’ attempts to move the conversation on, you could be trauma dumping.
How to handle getting dumped on
Being on the receiving end of trauma dumping can be overwhelming and emotionally draining, no matter how much you love your friend or family member. It can make you feel stuck, unsure how to respond, or guilty for wanting to protect your emotional wellbeing. It’s always okay to verbalize your boundaries if someone is taking advantage of your emotional energy, but if that person is in distress, it can be hard to know where to begin.
Recognize your own emotional limits
If you feel dumped on, it’s always okay to admit that you might not be in the best place to listen to someone else’s trauma at that moment. Setting these kinds of boundaries doesn’t make you a bad friend or unsupportive, it simply means you’re being honest about what you can handle right now. Taking care of your mental health allows you to be more present and supportive in the long run. Feeling emotionally exhausted? Here are 10 tips to relieve emotional burnout.
💙 If you’re worried about coming across harshly, practice expressing your limitations with Kind Communication in this short meditation.
Set gentle but firm boundaries
When someone starts trauma dumping on you, set compassionate but clear boundaries. You might say something like, “I really care about what you’re going through, but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about this another time?” This helps show you’re not rejecting the person, but rather protecting your own emotional space.
If you’re regularly experiencing trauma dumping, reflect on your existing boundaries and whether they need to be adjusted. This can help you support others while also taking care of yourself.
💙 If setting gentle yet firm boundaries is difficult, check out A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren.
Offer alternative support
If you’re not able to handle a conversation, try suggesting other ways your friend or family member might get support, like journaling or talking to a therapist. Saying something like, “I think this is outside of my area of expertise,” can gently steer the person away from seeking support from you.
You’re also sharing that you care enough to point them toward someone who can offer the best support possible. Sometimes, just knowing there are other options can be a relief to the person who’s trauma dumping, and this can help them find healthier ways of processing their emotions.
Use active listening when appropriate
If you have the emotional capacity to hear what they have to say, practice active listening. Give the person your full attention and show empathy without trying to fix their problems. Sometimes, people just need to feel heard and understood.
Nod, maintain eye contact, and respond with phrases like, “I’m sorry you went through that,” or “that sounds really tough.” Be mindful of your own limits — if you start to feel overwhelmed, gently steer the conversation to a close.
💙 Explore this Daily Calm session to improve your Mindful Listening.
Practice self-care after the conversation
Even if you’re able to handle the conversation in the moment, trauma dumping can be emotionally taxing, so take time to decompress. Try a walk, some deep breathing exercises, or doing something relaxing.
Taking care of yourself ensures you can continue to be there for others without sacrificing your own wellbeing.
💙 Explore our Radical Self-Care series for when you need to enhance your self-care practices.
7 ways to stop your own trauma dumping
Giving up trauma dumping doesn’t mean you can’t share your feelings. It means that you find healthier, more balanced ways to let them out. These practices will help you feel more in control of your emotions and ensure your conversations are both respectful and supportive to all involved.
1. Take a mindful pause
When you’re communicating or venting, stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment. By practicing mindfulness, you’ll be better able to feel if you’re doing some healthy venting, or if you’re trauma dumping.
So, next time you notice you’re feeling overwhelmed or on the verge of oversharing, take a few deep breaths and get grounded in the present moment. Ask yourself if this is the right time, place, and person to share with. Consider whether the person you’re about to talk to is in a good headspace to listen. If you’re unsure, it’s okay to hold off and revisit the conversation later when you both feel ready, or to ask about their current capacity to listen.
2. Ask for consent before diving into heavy topics
Ask before sharing something intense. You might say, “I’ve been dealing with something really tough lately, can I talk to you about it?” This gives the other person the opportunity to say yes, no, or suggest a better time to talk.
If that person isn’t in the right headspace to talk, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, or that they don’t want to help.
3. Set personal boundaries for sharing
It can be beneficial to identify who in your life is the right person to discuss difficult subjects with. These conversations might be best had with your oldest friends or close family members. In new, developing relationships you might not want to go too deep too fast.
If you do sit down to talk with a trusted friend or family member, consider deciding how much time you will spend talking about heavy topics in one conversation. This can help you share in a way that respects both your needs and the listener’s capacity.
4. Focus on the end goal
Before asking someone to listen to you, think about what kind of support or advice you’re looking for. Are you looking for comfort, solutions, or just a listening ear? Be clear with anyone you’re going to chat with about your needs as this can help the listener respond and support you the way you need.
5. Journal your thoughts and feelings
Sometimes getting our biggest feelings down on paper helps us to not trauma dump on those we love. When you feel the urge to talk out an explosive feeling or traumatic experience, try writing it down first. This gives you space to explore your thoughts and feelings in depth so you can better understand them and possibly reduce the need to talk about them impulsively to others.
6. Seek professional help for processing trauma
If you find yourself frequently needing to unload heavy emotions and they’re more than your support system can handle, consider talking to a therapist. Unlike most of the people you may know personally, therapists are trained to help you process trauma and manage emotions in a safe and supportive environment. The best part is, the session is all about you, so you can dump away.
7. Be self-compassionate
Be kind to yourself as you try to process big feelings in a more mindful way. It’s normal to need support, and it’s okay if you don’t always get it right. Trauma dumping often comes from a place of deep pain, so acknowledge that you’re doing your best to cope.
Trauma dumping FAQs
What are the signs that someone’s trauma dumping?
Trauma dumping occurs when someone shares distressing experiences without warning or checking if someone else is ready to listen. This can make the conversation feel one-sided and leave one party feeling overwhelmed or drained.
How can I set boundaries with someone who frequently trauma dumps?
It’s always okay to set boundaries with someone who frequently trauma dumps. You need to protect your wellbeing while remaining supportive. Be kind, and explain that while you care, you’re not in the right headspace to handle heavy topics at the moment. You might say, “I really want to support you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Maybe we can talk later, and in the meantime, you could try journaling or find a good therapist.” This way, you redirect the conversation without shutting them down.
If boundaries are hard for you (join the club), here are nine tips for setting healthy boundaries.
What’s the difference between venting and trauma dumping?
Venting is a two-way conversation where both parties are engaged, and the person venting considers the listener’s emotional capacity. Trauma dumping on the other hand, is more one-sided. It’s characterized as sharing deeply personal experiences without considering whether the listener is ready or able to hear them.
While venting can be healthy, trauma dumping can leave the listener feeling burdened and the person sharing without the support they need.
How can mindfulness help in managing trauma-related emotions?
Mindfulness can help you deal with trauma-related emotions by keeping you present and aware, which can allow you to pause and assess whether it’s the right time to share, or if your emotions need to be processed differently, like through journaling or therapy.
Meditation or deep breathing can help reduce anxiety and build emotional resilience, which can help you communicate your needs appropriately. Here are seven breathing exercises to help you calm anxiety.
When should I seek help for trauma dumping?
If you often find yourself trauma dumping, it may be a sign that you need more support than friends or family can offer. Chat with a therapist, who can help you explore your feelings without straining your relationships. Therapy can help you develop healthier coping skills and manage emotions that might be interfering with your daily life.
What should I do if I realize I have been trauma dumping on others?
It may be tough to admit you’ve been trauma dumping, but you can rebuild trust and ensure more balanced, supportive conversations with your friends and family.
Acknowledge it to yourself and, if needed, to those you’ve shared with, saying something like, “I’m sorry if I’ve been overwhelming.”
Work on healthier ways to manage your emotions, such as seeking professional help, practicing mindfulness, or setting boundaries around sharing.
Before discussing heavy topics, ask for consent and check in with the other person.
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