What is a covert narcissist? 5 signs to watch for
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Think you know what a narcissist looks like? Think again. Discover the traits of a covert narcissist, plus how to deal with different types of narcissism mindfully.
When you hear the word “narcissist,” you may imagine someone who’s loud, self-absorbed, and constantly seeking attention. According to symptoms of narcissism (especially in pop culture), a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is the type of person who might brag about their accomplishments or make sure they’re the center of every conversation. They may also have an inflated sense of self, an unfounded sense of superiority, or the notion that they know what’s best for everyone. Joe from “You” or Miranda Priestly from “The Devil Wears Prada,” anyone?
Oftentimes, people with narcissistic personality disorder require frequent validation and may even display rage that appears to come out of nowhere, which can be telltale signs of this disorder. But some people with narcissistic traits are much more subtle, even coming across as shy or insecure. This is what’s known as a covert narcissist.
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be tricky because their behavior isn’t as obvious as one may associate with narcissism. After interacting with a covert narcissist, you might find yourself feeling manipulated or emotionally drained without realizing what’s happening.
What is a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist doesn’t shout about their greatness or demand constant praise, like a typical narcissist is known to do. Instead, they may seem soft-spoken or modest. But, under the surface, they still carry many of the same traits as a more obvious narcissist.
Covert narcissists often still crave attention, have a more fragile ego than a typical person, and often lack empathy — but they showcase these traits in a much less obvious way.
For example, they might play the victim to gain sympathy from others, or use passive-aggressive behavior to subtly control situations. Even though they don’t demand attention as openly, they still expect it and can become resentful or manipulative when they don’t get it.
A covert narcissist can be easily hurt by criticism or rejection. Instead of anger or arrogance, a covert narcissist might sulk, withdraw, or make subtle digs at the person who hurt them. They’re also likely to blame others for their problems, avoiding responsibility for their actions by casting themselves as misunderstood or mistreated.
Because they hide these traits behind a quieter, more introverted persona, it can be harder to recognize covert narcissism and protect yourself from potential emotional harm.
What are the different types of narcissism?
Narcissism doesn’t always look the same. While most people are familiar with the loud, attention-seeking type of narcissist, there are different forms that can show up in people’s personalities.
Overt narcissism: The type of narcissism that people tend to think of first, overt narcissists tend to be bold, outgoing, and demand attention. They’re often seen as arrogant, because they boast about their achievements or expect special treatment. While they can be charming and engaging, their need for constant admiration can become overwhelming for those around them.
Covert narcissism: Covert narcissists can be introverted, quiet, or even seem insecure. They don’t openly brag about their accomplishments or seek the spotlight like overt narcissists. Instead, they may express their need for validation by playing the victim or fishing for compliments. While they may seem humble on the outside, covert narcissists still crave admiration and can be manipulative to get it.
Malignant narcissism: Malignant narcissism combines traits of narcissism with more aggressive, and maybe even destructive, behaviors. People with malignant narcissism can be self-centered and entitled, but also manipulative and cruel. And they usually lack remorse for their actions. Malignant narcissists can be highly dangerous in relationships because they tend to be exploitative, aggressive, and have a strong desire for power over others.
Communal narcissism: Communal narcissists present themselves as extremely helpful, caring, or giving. They might seem like they’re always focused on helping others or being involved in good causes. However, they’re doing these things primarily for recognition — they want others to see them as generous and selfless, but their acts of kindness often come with strings attached. They may become resentful if they don’t receive praise for their “selfless” actions. Here are 10 ways to cultivate true selflessness.
Healthy narcissism: A certain degree of narcissism can actually be beneficial. People with healthy narcissism have self-confidence, a sense of self-worth, and healthy boundaries. They can advocate for their needs without manipulating others, and maintain positive relationships. They can help others pursue their goals without crossing into selfish or harmful behavior.
7 traits of a covert narcissist
While they might not be as loud or attention-seeking as other types, covert narcissists still have similar underlying traits — they just express them differently.
Passive self-centeredness: Manipulating situations so the focus eventually comes back to them is a way for a covert narcissist to appear to not need to be in the spotlight, even though that’s what they desire.
Victim mentality: Playing the victim to gain them sympathy, or help them avoid taking responsibility for their actions, is oftentimes a covert narcissist’s signature move. Here are the 11 signs of emotional maturity that a covert narcissist is likely to struggle with.
Lack of empathy: A covert narcissist may have trouble understanding or caring about other people’s feelings. They may dismiss or downplay the emotions of others, even if they seem sensitive and emotionally intelligent.
Passive-aggressive behavior: Expressing their frustrations through the silent treatment, sarcastic remarks, or undermining others’ achievements is a telltale sign you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
Insecurity disguised as humility: Covert narcissists present themselves as insecure or shy, but with the same sense of entitlement and need for admiration that all narcissists share.
Hypersensitivity to criticism: People with this form of narcissism often have a hypersensitivity to criticism and react defensively or sulk if they feel slighted. They’re also known for holding grudges for a long time.
Manipulative behavior: Covert narcissists use guilt, pity, or emotional blackmail to maintain control over relationships or situations.
Is it narcissism or just narcissistic behavior?
It’s important to realize that not everyone who displays narcissistic traits is a full-blown narcissist. People can have moments of self-centeredness, attention-craving, or defensiveness from time to time — that’s just human nature. The key difference between true narcissism or narcissistic behavior lies in how consistent and extreme the behavior is.
Occasional narcissistic behaviors—like wanting to be in the spotlight or feeling defensive—don’t automatically mean someone has NPD. Almost everyone can display narcissistic tendencies in certain situations, especially during stressful times or when their self-esteem is low. The difference is that most people can recognize these behaviors in themselves when they arise and work to change them.
Narcissistic personality disorder vs. narcissistic behavior
When someone has narcissistic personality disorder, it’s not just a bad day they’re having that will eventually pass — their narcissistic traits dominate how they interact with others and see the world. A person with NPD typically lacks empathy, has a deep need for admiration, and struggles to form healthy relationships.
They’re often unable to see their own flaws or take responsibility for their actions, and they may manipulate others often or easily. When they hurt people, they may not feel genuine remorse or try to make amends.
Frequency: Occasional self-centered moments or desire for attention doesn’t make someone a narcissist. However, if these behaviors happen frequently and dominate how the person interacts with others, it could point to something deeper.
Lack of empathy: Someone might act selfishly in the moment, but they’re also usually able to reflect on their actions and apologize. A person with NPD—or a covert narcissist—consistently shows little concern for how their actions affect others. It’s not that they’re unable to apologize, but rather don’t see why they should or understand how they hurt someone’s feelings.
Manipulation: While someone who is simply having a narcissistic moment might act entitled or demanding in a specific situation, a covert narcissist will regularly use manipulation to get what they want. And they’re often aware of the tactics they’re using.
Impact on relationships: People with occasional narcissistic behavior can usually maintain healthy relationships because their actions aren’t constant, and they’re often willing to work through issues. A covert narcissist, however, tends to create toxic dynamics in relationships. Their need for control, validation, and emotional manipulation can leave others feeling confused, drained, and anxious around them. Here are 6 signs you’re in a toxic relationship.
It can be challenging to tell the difference between someone having a rough time and someone who consistently displays narcissistic traits. If you notice someone’s behavior often makes you feel guilty, drained, or manipulated, the issue may be more serious than just occasional narcissism. Trust your feelings. If you find yourself constantly questioning your actions or feeling like the bad guy, explore whether covert narcissism might be the problem.
How to deal with a covert narcissist: 5 mindful tips to protect yourself
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be draining, especially because their behavior is often subtle and confusing. You may find yourself constantly doubting your own feelings or wondering if you’re overreacting to their actions.
Remember that you’re not responsible for their behavior, and you have every right to protect your own emotional wellbeing. Here are some tips to help.
1. Set clear boundaries to protect your peace
Since covert narcissists often use manipulation or guilt to get what they want, make it clear what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Try limiting how much time you spend with them, not engaging in their emotional games, or deciding not to take responsibility for their feelings.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable setting boundaries at first. But it’s important to stick to them, even if the narcissist tries to push back. Here are some helpful tips for setting boundaries in relationships (and sticking to them).
💙 Listen to The Daily Trip’s A Secret to Better Boundaries for tips on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries — especially emotional ones.
2. Stay neutral to avoid assuming responsibility for their actions
Covert narcissists often play the victim or use passive-aggressive behavior to stir up conflict. They may try to drag you into their problems or make you feel guilty for not supporting them enough, which ultimately would cause a conflict between the two of you.
Stay neutral and avoid getting emotionally pulled into their stories and assuming responsibility for their actions. Instead, acknowledge their feelings without becoming involved. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way,” and then change the subject or excuse yourself from the conversation, as opposed to helping them carry their emotional burdens. You might try practicing the grey rock method, a technique to help you deal with toxic people.
If you’ve explored neutrality but still find yourself feeling bogged down, it’s time to try emotional detachment so their behavior can no longer dictate your emotions. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about them. It just means you stop taking on their emotional baggage.
💙 Practice the art of Non-Attachment in yourself, and with others, with guidance from Tamara Levitt.
3. Learn to accept them for who they are
You can’t “fix” a covert narcissist. While some people with narcissistic traits can improve with self-awareness and therapy, it’s rare for covert narcissists to change their behavior on their own. Instead of trying to fix their behavior, focus on managing your response to how they operate instead. Accept that they may never fully understand how their actions hurt others. Here’s how to practice radical acceptance, even when it’s hard.
While that may be difficult to accept and can even cause grief, it’s an important part of the healing process of having a relationship with this type of person. Prioritize your own wellbeing as often as necessary. And take your time.
💙 Learn to practice Acceptance in this meditation with Jay Shetty.
4. Lean on loved ones or professionals for added support
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with navigating your emotions on your own, try talking to a friend or relative outside the relationship for their perspective and to remind you that you’re not overreacting. A therapist is also another great option and can help you develop strategies to maintain your boundaries and cope with any emotional stress — here are 10 coping strategies to try.
5. Prioritize self-care to help you heal, rest, and recharge
Find ways to stay grounded and resilient when someone’s constantly manipulating your feelings. Try going out with supportive friends, exercising, or enjoying hobbies. Regular self-care can help you recharge, and also make it easier to set boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm in the relationship.
💙 Begin exploring what self-care tools can support you in developing a nourishing practice in the Radical Self-Care series.
Covert narcissist FAQs
How do I know if someone is really a narcissist or just has narcissistic behavior?
Everyone can show narcissistic traits occasionally, like wanting attention or acting defensively, especially during stressful times. However, if these behaviors are frequent and part of their everyday personality—like constant manipulation, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration—they may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which can only be properly diagnosed by a licensed mental health practitioner.
What are the red flags of a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists are subtle, often using passive-aggressive behavior and playing the victim to gain sympathy or control. They tend to be hypersensitive to criticism, holding grudges for minor issues, and may seem insecure or humble as a way to draw out compliments. Their manipulation is less obvious but can be just as emotionally draining as more overt forms of narcissism.
What are the long-term effects of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
Long-term relationships with covert narcissists can lead to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Their constant manipulation and lack of empathy can leave you feeling confused, guilty, and drained. Over time, the emotional toll of their passive-aggressive behavior and victim-playing can significantly impact your mental health.
Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?
It’s rare for a covert narcissist to change without professional help, as they often don’t see their behavior as a problem. Therapy can help if they’re willing to acknowledge their actions, but lasting change is difficult.
Focus on protecting your own emotional health and energy rather than trying to change them, as it’s unlikely they’ll make significant improvements without deep self-awareness and commitment.
How does covert narcissism affect workplace dynamics?
In the workplace, covert narcissists can create tension by using passive-aggressive behavior, taking credit for others’ work, or playing the victim to gain sympathy from supervisors. Their subtle manipulation can lead to distrust and conflict, making it challenging to maintain a healthy work environment.
Set boundaries and stay focused on facts if you need to manage their behavior professionally.
What are the differences between covert narcissism and other personality disorders?
While covert narcissism shares some traits with other personality disorders, like insecurity or introversion, it’s often more focused on seeking admiration and using manipulation to control others.
Unlike borderline personality disorders, which may be driven by fear of abandonment, covert narcissism centers around a hidden need for validation and superiority, often masked by a modest or humble front.
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