How to manage the expectations vs reality trap in 6 steps
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
The contrast between expectation and reality can lead to disappointment and anxiety. Learn how to manage expectations vs reality with our 6 practical tips.
It's easy to feel like our lives should mirror the picture-perfect moments we see on social media. But there's usually a big gap between those curated posts and our daily reality. The difference between expectation and reality has probably never been greater, with resulting damage to our mental health.
The good news? By understanding where our expectations come from and finding ways to handle them, we can bridge that gap and create a life that feels more genuine, content, and grounded.
What are expectations?
Expectations are our beliefs or assumptions about the future. They can influence our perception of events, people, and even ourselves. These beliefs shape our perspective, guiding our actions and reactions. From personal relationships to career aspirations, expectations play a pivotal role in how we navigate our daily lives.
How do expectations form?
Understanding and managing expectations requires self-awareness, open communication, and—sometimes—a willingness to adapt your expectations to align better with the reality of life. Through practices like mindfulness and journaling, you can become better at recognizing and adjusting personal expectations to foster a balanced and content life. Here are some ways that expectations form:
Past experiences influence our expectations: Our past experiences significantly affect our expectations. Over time, our minds tend to form patterns of expectation based on what we’ve experienced before.
Social influences can impact our expectations: Social media, peer groups, family, and societal norms can also shape our expectations. Depictions of success, relationships, and lifestyles on social media can set a high bar, often leading to unrealistic expectations.
Internal desires and hopes can affect our expectations: Our personal desires and aspirations are central to what we expect from ourselves and others. These internal factors often drive our expectation levels.
Information and knowledge shape our expectations: The information we consume and our knowledge about particular subjects also influence our expectations. Being well-informed can help in setting realistic expectations.
Expectation anxiety vs. actual reality
The gap between expectation and reality can cause a rollercoaster of emotions. When reality falls short of expectations, it can bring disappointment, frustration, or anxiety. But when reality exceeds our expectations, the emotional payoff can be euphoric. This emotional tug-of-war can lead to anticipatory anxiety—a constant concern about whether reality will meet our hopes.
Social media also often gives a filtered, embellished version of reality. Constant exposure to such 'ideal' scenarios can skyrocket our expectations, setting us up for disappointment when real life doesn’t measure up.
How it feels when reality doesn’t meet our expectations
When there’s a misalignment between expectation and reality, it can bring a variety of feelings.
Disappointment: When reality falls short of our expectations, the immediate emotion is often disappointment. The gap between what we hoped for and what occurred can be a source of emotional distress.
Frustration: If expectations are repeatedly unmet, it can be frustrating. This can lead to feelings of helplessness or a loss of control.
Relief or elation: When reality surpasses our expectations, the emotional release can be huge, leading to relief, joy, or even euphoria.
Self-esteem and self-worth: Whether your expectations and reality align can significantly impact your self-esteem and self-worth. Consistently unmet expectations can erode self-confidence, while met or exceeded expectations can bolster self-assurance.
Mental health: The constant discord between expectation and reality can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety or depressive disorders. It's vital to manage expectations realistically to promote better mental strength.
Cognitive dissonance: This refers to the discomfort experienced when there’s a discrepancy between our view of things and reality. Cognitive dissonance can lead to a desire to change our perception or behavior to alleviate discomfort.
6 ways to avoid falling into the trap of expectations vs reality
It can be difficult when reality doesn’t measure up to your expectations, but fortunately, there are ways to cope.
1. Set realistic expectations
Periodically checking your expectations against the reality of life and adjusting them accordingly can foster a healthier emotional and mental state. For example, setting a New Year’s goal that you’re going to run a marathon if you don’t have time to train might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Being well-informed (both about the reality behind perfection and about your own strengths) can help you set more realistic expectations.
💙 Managing expectations can be tough. Check out this session on Expectations from the Daily Calm.
2. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness practices like meditation and breathing exercises can help anchor you to the present moment, reducing anxiety around future expectations.
Using mindfulness to accept the reality of situations—without over-expectation—can lead to a more peaceful state of mind.
💙 Are you new to meditation and mindfulness? Start here.
3. Cultivate adaptability
Being flexible and open to changing circumstances can help manage the difference between expectations and reality so you can adjust to life's unpredictability more easily.
💙 Being flexible is easier said than done. Check out this session on Cognitive Flexibility with Jay Shetty.
4. Seek support or counseling
Discussing your expectations and their related emotions with supportive friends, family, or mental health professionals can provide clarity and relief.
Connecting with others who share similar experiences can also provide a sense of community and understanding, so resist isolating yourself
5. Learn from disappointments
Reflecting on your disappointments can help you understand the expectations that led to them in the first place. This can help you set more realistic expectations in the future. The more you practice this, the easier it will become and the more flexible you may feel when disappointments arise.
💙 Feeling disappointed can be really hard. Tune into this interview with author Christine Hassler where she discusses Managing Expectations.
6. Write down your expectations and the reality to get a clear picture of the impact
Journaling about your expectations, the reality of situations, and your reactions to them can provide valuable insights into your thought patterns. The contrast between expectation and reality is inevitable in the human experience. Acknowledging the difference, understanding its implications, and adopting coping mechanisms can significantly reduce any emotional turmoil.
💙 Looking for a good place to start? Try our Feelings Wheel and Feelings Journal.
Expectation vs reality FAQs
What is an example of expectation vs reality?
An example of when expectations and reality can be different could be when you imagine a perfect family gathering. In your head, you picture laughter, bonding, and joy. But the reality turns out to contain arguments, miscommunications, and mishaps. The contrast between expectation and reality can lead to disappointment or frustration.
How do you manage expectations vs reality?
There are plenty of strategies to help you manage your expectations.
Self-awareness: Cultivate self-awareness about your expectation patterns and how they compare to the realities of situations.
Setting realistic expectations: Evaluate the reality of situations and set achievable goals to avoid unnecessary disappointment.
Mindfulness practices: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present and reduce anxiety about future outcomes.
Learning from experiences: Reflect on past experiences to understand how your expectations have aligned with reality, and adjust your expectations accordingly moving forward.
Seeking support: Sometimes, discussing expectations and realities with someone you trust can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
Can expectations become reality?
Expectations can become reality when they’re realistic and you take proactive steps towards achieving them. Setting and working towards clear, attainable goals can bridge the gap between expectation and reality. However, being prepared for unexpected outcomes and adaptable to changing circumstances is crucial.
What reality is the opposite of expectations?
Contrasting outcomes are when situations are significantly different or opposite from what you anticipated. For instance, expecting a promotion but facing a demotion instead. Life can be unpredictable, so managing expectations is important to cope effectively.
Navigating your expectations vs reality is a journey toward self-awareness and emotional resilience. Employing practical strategies can foster a balanced perspective that enhances your happiness level and overall wellbeing.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
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