Is your brain at capacity? Here's how to offload your mental load
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Managing your home, family, work (and on and on) can overwhelm the mind. Explore what mental load is, 9 ways to offload it, and how to talk to the people in your life about it.
Have you ever taken on too much and felt like your brain just… goes on strike? You’re tired, you’re drained, and no matter what you do, you cannot force yourself to focus on a single thing.
This typically means that your mental load is too heavy, and for some people, it happens a lot.
But life doesn’t have to be this way. If you’re feeling like you're at capacity, there are ways you can offload so that you don’t completely lose your mind. Here’s what you need to know so that your brain will stop waving that strike sign around.
What is mental load?
The mental load is the never-ending, behind-the-scenes labor of keeping your life running. It’s remembering to do tasks, making a plan to accomplish them, and then anticipating what comes next.
If your car’s gas light is on, the mental load includes figuring out when you can stop for gas, determining which gas station you’re going to go to, and making sure you have a way to pay for it.
Managing your mental load is exhausting, cumulative, and sneaky. It’s an unpaid, full-time job you have to do 24/7, and it doesn’t just disappear once a task is completed. It keeps coming, piling up like laundry, demanding attention before you’ve even finished dealing with the last thing.
But the most annoying thing is it’s invisible, which means that people don’t even notice that you’re handling it. That’s why the first step to offloading your mental load is calling it out, naming it, and making sure the people around you actually see what’s going on. This isn’t just a “you” problem. It’s a systemic issue and you’re not supposed to handle it alone.
Who does the mental load tend to affect?
In a family, the mental load tends to land on the person seen as the “household manager” — the one who just knows what needs to get done before anyone else even realizes it’s a thing.
Here are groups who tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to mental load:
Women and moms: Studies consistently show that women, especially moms, often bear the brunt of mental load because so many people see women as the default caregivers. Even in homes where chores are “split,” the thinking work—the noticing, the planning, and the remembering—often falls to women.
Caregivers: People who take care of their kids, aging parents, or any other group of people often take on a heavy mental load. When you’re a caregiver, you have to remember appointments, little details about the other person’s life, and most importantly, you have to anticipate needs. It’s essentially managing someone else’s never-ending to-do list.
Marginalized groups: People of color, immigrants, the LGBTQIA+ community, and those with lower incomes also tend to face more mental load. On top of everything else, they usually have to navigate systemic barriers, advocate for themselves, and manage discrimination.
The designated planner: If you’re the friend who always books the group trip, the coworker who remembers birthdays, or the family member who coordinates holiday plans, then you also know this burden well. Being “the responsible one” can mean carrying the stress of making sure everyone else stays on track.
Which type of tasks can add to your mental load?
Even a simple task like taking out the trash can come with other hidden ones inside of it. You also have to remember that it’s trash day, check to see if you need more bags, and remember that the city switched to biweekly pickup but only for recycling.
The types of tasks that tend add to the mental load include:
Household logistics: Tracking grocery lists, remembering laundry schedules, and managing home maintenance issues all can take up a lot of your mental headspace.
Family scheduling: Keeping track of school events and parent-teacher conferences, remembering important dates, getting gifts for birthdays and anniversaries, and coordinating various family doctor appointments could send your brain into overdrive.
Emotional labor: Being your kids’ go-to for comfort, remembering who needs what type of support, and keeping the family peace during holidays can be a quick recipe for mental overload.
Default parenting: Answering a million daily questions from your kids, being the first call when school, daycare, or the babysitter needs anything, and knowing every family member’s precise bedtime routines can make your brain feel like it’s spinning.
Invisible work: You might feel overloaded by having to-do items that mysteriously disappear into the void, making sure the pantry staples are always stocked, and keeping tabs on what needs refilling like laundry soap, dish soap, toilet paper, and paper towels.
How to offload your mental load: 9 ways to reduce your burden
If you’re tired of your brain running the entire household, there are ways to reduce that burden that don’t just involve delegating tasks that will eventually boomerang right back to you.
Here are nine manageable tips that can help you start shifting the weight.
1. Embrace the “brain dump” method
Sometimes, the mental load can feel unbearable because your brain’s trying to juggle too much at once. Instead of trying to keep everything swirling in your head, do a brain dump and write everything down.
Consider grabbing a notebook or even a scrap of paper and list out every task, reminder, and worry in your head. Even if it’s small or seems ridiculous, it really can help.
Try this: Don’t try to organize your notes — just get them down on paper. Once it’s all written down, you can decide what’s actually urgent, what can wait, and what you can delegate or delete entirely.
You can also try just generally journaling to help get some of your thoughts out as well. If you’re new to the practice, here are seven journaling tips that can help get you started.
2. Stop being the human family calendar
If you’re the only one keeping track of schedules, start spreading around that responsibility. Set up a shared family calendar and make sure everyone has access to it.
Also, try to remind yourself that if your loved one misses an appointment they were supposed to handle, that’s a “them” problem, and not a “you” problem. You don’t need to be responsible for reminding everyone of where they need to be.
Try this: Consider implementing a rule that if it’s not on the calendar, then it’s not happening. This can help get everyone on the same page and let people know the importance of the shared calendar.
💙 Listen to our Boundaries session with Tamara Levitt to help get you to a place to implement this new rule into your life.
3. Truly delegate
Telling your partner to “help more” can be a trap because then you’re still managing who does what. Instead, try to hand over entire categories of responsibility and step away.
You might try to ask your partner to officially take charge of all school-related communication, forms, and events, instead of just asking them to help out with school stuff. Or maybe you could try telling them to plan and make all the dinners three nights a week, instead of just asking for help with dinner.
Try this: Try not to micromanage. If your partner forgets, let natural consequences happen. This can be tough but it can also draw a clear boundary that this is their responsibility and not yours.
4. Lower the bar
Not everything has to be perfect. The towels don’t need to be folded perfectly and your child’s birthday cake doesn’t need to be Pinterest-worthy.
Try this: If you see your kid’s wearing mismatched socks and you want to fix it, try to repeat to yourself that good enough is good enough. Letting go of perfection can really help to lighten your mental load. (And if you’re a perfectionist, here are seven tips that can help you.)
5. Automate whatever you can
You don’t need to be a superhero and do everything the old-fashioned way. Take advantage of technology to help remove a little thinking from your day. You can set up recurring grocery deliveries, put auto-pay on for your bills, and start subscription services for your every day essentials.
Try this: If technology’s overwhelming to you or you don’t know where to start, consider asking a tech-savvy mom friend for advice. Maybe even make a night of it and do it over a glass of wine. (And if you’re wanting more adult friends in your life, here are 10 ways you can better connect.)
6. Have a “default parent” conversation
If you’re always the go-to for every little thing like school calls, doctor appointments, and middle-of-the-night wake-ups, consider having a real talk with your partner. Let them know that the mental load you’re feeling isn’t just about all of the tasks, but about responsibility.
Try this: Ask your partner to swap roles for a week and let them handle your typical responsibilities. This can help them fully experience and understand your mental load, and show why it needs to be shared.
7. Normalize saying “no”
You don’t have to sign up for every classroom volunteer opportunity or bake for every fundraiser. Protect your time and your peace by setting firm boundaries with your loved ones, and even your workplace.
Try this: If saying no feels hard, here are two polite ways you could set your boundary: “I’d love to, but my plate’s full so I can’t take this on.” Or “That sounds great! I’ll join if someone else organizes.”
And here are 30 other examples of how to say no politely if this is something that’s not your strong suit.
8. Use mindfulness to clear the mental clutter
When your brain’s a constant whirlwind of to-do lists and reminders, mindfulness can really help to pause the chaos, even if just for five minutes.
If you start to spiral, try the “name three things” trick, where you stop and name three things you can see, hear, and feel. This can help you stop overthinking and pull you into the present.
Try this: Before shifting from work mode to mom mode, try a mindful transition by taking a few slow breaths and acknowledging the switch. Even a small pause like this can help create some mental space.
💙 To help unclog your brain, listen to Mindfulness with Tamara Levitt.
9. Pick a “shutdown” ritual
Your mind can’t keep running constantly or you’ll risk burning out. To help you mentally clock out, try an end-of-day ritual. Before bed, you could jot down the top three things you want to focus on tomorrow. This can help tell your brain that it doesn’t need to keep churning as you try to fall asleep.
You could also try a mini meditation or light stretching. Even just two minutes can help signal to your brain that it’s time to wind down.
Try this: If you’re used to scrolling on your phone before bed, consider adding a tech cutoff time into your routine. This rule can help give your brain a break from decision-making and all the endless notifications.
How do I offload my mental load FAQs
What are symptoms of mental load?
Mental load can creep up slowly on you, layering stress upon stress, until one day you feel like you might snap if one more person asks what’s for dinner.
If you’re wondering if you need to offload some of your mental load, here are signs to look out for:
Constant overwhelm
Exhaustion (even after a full night’s sleep)
Feeling like your mind never shuts off
Frustration or resentment toward people in your life
Why do moms tend to carry the mental load in a household?
Unfortunately, we live in a society that encourages moms to be the household CEOs. In many families, even when partners share chores, moms are usually the ones who are usually responsible for making sure life runs smoothly.
Generational conditioning can play a factor here as well. A lot of us have watched our moms do it this way, and they watched their moms do it before them. That doesn’t mean things need to stay this way.
How do I talk to my partner about the mental load?
If you’re currently overwhelmed by your mental load, start by making the invisible visible. Explain to your partner how you’re feeling and what exactly you’re taking on.
A good way you could start this conversation is to say, “Doing the laundry isn’t as simple as it sounds. I’m remembering when it needs to be done, gathering all the clothes, putting it in the machine, noticing when the detergent’s low, popping it in the dryer, and making sure clean clothes end up where they belong.” This breakdown can help outline all that comes with this task so that your partner fully understands everything you’re handling.
Then ask your partner for help by handing over entire categories to them. Consider asking them to take on tasks like everything that comes with doing the laundry and all the meal planning, and not doing one load or getting that one dinner on the table.
How can a person handle their mental load?
Give yourself a break and recognize that you shouldn’t be carrying all this on your own. Once you’ve become aware of your mental overwhelm, try to start offloading.
You could delegate full responsibility to others in your life, automate tasks, or simply let go of tasks that are not essential. If you usually mop the floors every week, maybe for the foreseeable future, you become a mopless household. Lowering the bar is not a failure, it’s a survival strategy.
Also try to build in small moments of rest so that your brain can reset. This doesn’t mean overhauling your schedule. In fact, here is a one-minute meditation you could incorporate into your day.
Can therapy help with managing your mental load?
A therapist can help you manage your mental load by teaching you to set boundaries, communicate better with your partner, and help you unlearn the deeply ingrained idea that your worth is somehow tied to how well you manage everything.
Also if your mental load is fueling anxiety, resentment, or burnout, therapy can also help. You don’t have to navigate this alone. And if taking the time to drive to therapy feels impossible, consider trying online sessions. You can also consider doing every other week, or more spaced out sessions, if every week is too much for you.
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