How to *actually* feel your feelings: a guide to processing your emotions
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Most of us know that feeling our feelings is important, but we don’t know why and we especially don’t know how. Here’s your guide to re-relating to—and actually processing—your emotions.
Emotions. We all have them, whether we like it or not. And it seems like most of us fall on the “not liking” side. And the “doing whatever we can to avoid them” side.
While no one could claim it's fun to feel emotions like fear, grief, or anger, ignoring them doesn’t work. They end up causing us stress or bubbling over in inappropriate ways. What’s more? We lose out on the important messages they carry and functions they serve. So what are these important messages?
What’s the point of emotions?
It helps to think of emotions as the language of your body. A way of giving feedback on what’s happening around you and how your body “feels” about it, given your specific set of experiences. Or, if you have more of a ‘science’ mind, think of them as data points indicating what you might need more or less of in your life. Emotions both move the body and inform the mind.
Some scientists believe that the full mind-body response of our emotions evolved as a way to ensure our safety and survival throughout the years.
Emotions communicate our needs and what’s important to us
Emotions indicate a need for something in our lives, and the intensity of the emotion often (but not always) relates to how much it matters to us.
Emotions drive us into action and guide the decisions we make
Like feeling hungry guides you to eat, experiencing emotions direct you to make decisions to meet the needs it’s calling out.
Emotions connect us to ourselves and to others
The vulnerable space of emotions is where we connect through empathy and shared experience to our authentic selves and other people.
The problem with supressing your emotions
While not always pleasant, it’s easy to see why the messages our emotions communicate are important. When we ignore, ‘stuff’, or close off from our emotions we also get disconnected from our needs (and the needs of others) and what matters to us. Like a traveler without a map, this may lead us in the wrong direction, making decisions that aren’t right for us, or others.
And it’s not just mental. Studies have shown that suppressing our emotional responses has a physical effect as well, suggesting that emotional expression is better for your overall health and wellbeing.
Feelings about feelings (aka ‘meta-emotions’)
For a lot of us, this disconnect happens when we get caught in our feelings about a feeling. We get ashamed that we’re mad, mad that we’re sad, and on and on. These ‘meta-emotions’ are impacted by our beliefs about feelings which are colored by our culture, upbringing, and past experiences.
These beliefs play a big part in how we do, or don’t, express and process our feelings and ultimately bring us further from the goal of the emotion in the first place. Rather than receiving the communication from the body and letting it pass through, we can get stuck in a swirl of thoughts that keep the emotion churning for hours, days, or even years!
Research shows that these meta-emeta-emotionsotions affect us in important ways. People with higher rates of negative beliefs about emotions often experienced greater feelings of depression, while those who believe that emotions are generally helpful tend to recover better from hard feelings – often preventing them from falling into depression and anxiety.
It’s worth noting that the ability to manage difficult emotions, or emotional regulation, is also tied to better mental health, memory, decisions, and general wellbeing.
Now that you know the real purpose and importance of emotions, it’s time to practice actually feeling your feelings.
The Feelings Journal
A free journal designed to help you feel your feelings then feel better. Investigate, process and soothe challenging emotions like fear, sadness, anger, and insecurity. Download here
4 steps to help you actually feel your feelings
1. Name the Feeling
When a feeling comes up, start by labeling it. Studies show that simply naming what’s present calms the brain and body, helps de-personalize the experience of the emotion, and makes us feel more in control.
So next time you experience a feeling, take a few deep breaths and then honestly name what you’re feeling. It’s helpful to create some distance from your emotions with your words, so rather than saying “I am angry” you might try:
“I feel angry”
“This is anger”
“Anger is present”
This reminds you that you are experiencing an emotion but you are not caught up in it, or defined by it.
🔹 If you need some support, try the Labeling Emotions practice with Jay Shetty
2. Notice the Feeling
Once you’ve labeled the feeling, try to put aside any stories about how you’re feeling (or how you feel about how you're feeling) and start to notice the sensations of it.
Get CALM by checking-in with your Chest, Arms, Legs, and Mouth. In each of these areas (or any others that draw your attention) ask yourself, does it feel:
Hot or cold?
Tight or loose?
Tired or energized?
Buzzing or numb?
Anything else?
Try not to judge any of it as right or wrong, just see what’s present. Paying attention to the sensation of your emotion is an important step in moving through it.
🔹 Get more comfortable noticing sensations in your body with a Body Scan meditation, which is also shown to help you feel more balanced and at ease in the face of big emotions. Win, win!
3. Listen to the Feeling
After sitting with the sensations of the emotion, get curious about what this feeling is trying to share with you. Imagine you could “listen” to the emotion like you would a friend. You might ask yourself:
What message is my body sharing with me about what it needs?
What truth might it be highlighting?
What action is called for?
What connection does it need?
Maybe the need is physical (rest, a hug, a change), or maybe its emotional (care, validation, love). Either way, you don’t need to judge the feeling. Instead, spend some time wondering how you might support, or seek support, the need or taking the actions that come up.
Don’t overthink it. If there’s no obvious answer, that’s okay! The practice of listening is enough.
🔹 Listening isn’t always easy. Practice Whole Body Listening to help you build your ability to fully take in your experiences.
4. Let the Feeling Go
Feelings are meant to share their message and then leave the body. Usually this happens in 90 seconds according to Harvard-trained brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. Anything beyond that may be you reactivating it with your thoughts. So, once the emotion has served it’s purpose, you can choose to set aside your thinking and let it go.
Of course, that can be easier said than done for the chronic overthinkers. If that’s you, try a practice to let go of Ruminating, or Loosen the Grip of Thoughts.
You can also try this breathing exercise:
Start taking some deep breaths.
As you inhale, imagine your mind clearing all the thinking
As you exhale, imagine the emotion can melt out of your body, having completed its purpose.
🔹 If you need more support, try the Thinking session in the Breaking Habits series
Moving forward, we invite you to keep making space to check-in, and feel, your feelings everyday using these four steps. Taking time for your emotions isn’t always easy, but it’s a powerful way to improve your mental health.
Images: Getty
