Coping with grief after losing a child: 10 tips to support you

Mental HealthWomen's Health

Jun 18

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Losing a child brings unimaginable grief. Explore some common responses and tips to help you cope with your grief or support someone else who lost a child.

Losing a child shatters more than your heart. This devastating reality—one you never could’ve fully prepared for—is unfathomably difficult, and frankly, it can be tough to know how to put one foot in front of the other.

This grief is not linear. It’s not a clean five-step process. It’s a labyrinth of pain, love, anger, disbelief, and aching memory. And it is entirely yours.

We’re not here to fix anything, because really, there is no “fixing” this. But we bear witness to your pain and walk the path with you. We’re here to validate that this kind of loss is not something you “get over.” It becomes part of you — sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always present.

Know that whether you’re days, weeks, or months into the loss, or you’ve been living with it for years, you are not alone in your heartbreak, even if it feels like it.

Are there common responses to losing a child?

Grief doesn’t unfold in predictable patterns, and it certainly doesn’t adhere to timelines. That said, many bereaved parents describe a handful of emotional, physical, and existential responses that might sound familiar — even if they don’t arrive in any particular order or make logical sense.

Some people feel a tidal wave of sadness. Others feel nothing at all. You might wake up panicked at 3am or go days feeling oddly detached from your body and the world around you.

You might feel haunted by what-ifs, replaying your child’s last moments, or tortured by the sense that you should have done something differently, even when there was nothing to be done.

Here are some responses many grieving parents report:

Unbearable emotional pain: This might include overwhelming sorrow, guilt, rage, numbness, envy of others, or even moments of unexpected laughter that feel confusing or “wrong.”
Physical symptoms: Grief can settle into your body. You may feel exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, or unable to sleep. Appetite may disappear, or food might become a comfort. You’re not imagining this — grief lives in the nervous system.
Disconnection from daily life: The world continues, but it feels foreign. You might find yourself resenting “normal” routines or struggling to care about work, holidays, or social plans. You may also feel like your grip on reality or previous sense of self is inaccessible.
Tension in relationships: Losing a child can shake even the strongest partnerships. You and your partner (if you have one) may grieve differently. Friends may not know what to say. Family members may try to “help” in ways that actually hurt. It’s common to feel both deeply alone and suffocated at the same time.
Existential questioning: Faith in humanity or in your life’s purpose may crack open — or collapse entirely. You may wonder how the world can keep spinning or how you’re supposed to keep living inside a body that carries this much agony.

It’s also important to remember that grief doesn’t expire. You might be “functioning” on the outside and still barely making it through the day on the inside. Or you might feel okay for a while, only to be undone by a song, a smell, or meeting a child that is the same age yours would be now.

Whatever your reaction looks like — it’s real. It’s valid. It doesn’t need to be justified. Grief is not a competition or a character test. It’s a full-body, full-heart experience of loving someone who is no longer physically here.

And if your response looks nothing like what’s listed above? That’s okay too. You are allowed your version of grief. You are allowed to be messy, contradictory, numb, overwhelmed, relieved, enraged, grateful, heartbroken — all of it, all at once.

How to cope after losing a child: 10 gentle ways to tend to your heart

You might be so deep in your grief right now that you want to beg the world to just tell you what to do to fix it, but of course, there is no guidebook for surviving the loss of a child. No checklist. No timeline.

With that said, there are ways to slowly and imperfectly support yourself through this impossible experience. These aren’t “solutions.” They’re small acts of care that can help you breathe through the storm, one moment at a time. Some of these might feel doable, and others, impossible. At this point in your journey, meet yourself where you are and take the simplest, most low-lift step to offer yourself some relief.

1. Acknowledge that your grief is valid — exactly as it is

Grief doesn’t have to look dramatic to be real. You don’t need to be sobbing every day or fall apart in public to “prove” your pain. Whether you’re wailing uncontrollably or functioning on autopilot, your experience is valid. There’s no hierarchy of heartache.

Try this: Whenever you feel yourself questioning your emotions, repeat: “This is grief too.” Let that be a small act of self-compassion. There’s no wrong way to grieve.

2. Lower the bar — seriously

You are carrying something unbearably heavy. The bare minimum is more than enough. On some days, brushing your teeth is an achievement. Sending a single text is an act of connection. Waking up and getting through the day? That’s monumental. Remind yourself of that.

Try this: At the start of the day, choose one small thing you’ll try to do — drink a glass of water, feed yourself, step outside, or respond to one email. That’s it. Anything more is extra.

💙 Explore Caring for Your Grief with Lama Rod Owens.

3. Find ways to remember and honor your child that feel good

Keeping your child’s memory alive can be healing. That could mean lighting a candle, planting a tree, creating a memory box, or simply saying their name. Grief is love with nowhere to go, and rituals can help give it a place to land.

Consider:

Starting a journal of memories
Celebrating their birthday in a way that feels meaningful
Connecting with a cause that champions their medical condition (if there was one)
Starting a cause or fund in their name
Creating a small space in your home where you can sit with their photo

4. Connect with others who truly understand

Grief can be so isolating. Many people won’t know what to say — and some might say nothing at all. That doesn’t mean your pain is too much. It just means they don’t know how to hold it.

Connecting with other bereaved parents through support groups, online forums, or one-on-one conversations, can remind you that you’re not alone in this experience. It also gives you a chance to commune with people who truly get it and who know how to talk about it.

Try this: Look into organizations like The Compassionate Friends or Grieving Parents Support Network. If you’re not up for group settings, a therapist who specializes in grief can be a lifeline too.

5. Let grief be unpredictable

You might feel totally okay one minute and completely unraveled the next. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Some days, your grief may scream. Other days, it may whisper. And sometimes, it may go silent, only to return without warning. Grief is like a spiral where you revisit the same feelings and wounds time and time again with new insights. All of your experiences with these emotions are valid.

Try this: Give yourself permission to not have a plan. Carry tissues and sunglasses. Make soft exits from social situations. Let yourself cancel when it’s too much.

6. Tend to your nervous system

Grief can be physical. After all, your body is carrying trauma, shock, exhaustion, and stress. Small grounding practices can help regulate your nervous system, even if only for a few minutes.

Consider:

Placing your feet flat on the floor and noticing the support beneath you
Running your hands under warm water
Doing slow, intentional breathing: inhale for four, exhale for six
Wrapping yourself in a weighted blanket or soft fabric

7. Give yourself permission to feel joy, when it comes

This one can feel strange and maybe even disloyal, but finding moments of laughter, calm, or lightness doesn’t mean you’ve “moved on.” It means you’re alive and capable of feeling many things at once. (Here are 10 ways to re-find joy.)

The child you lost doesn’t need you to suffer to remember and honor them. Remember that joy doesn’t cancel grief. It can sit beside it.

Try this: If you catch yourself smiling or enjoying something, notice it without judgment. Try replacing guilt with a whisper of grace like, “I’m living on for them,” or, “They’d want me to feel this too.”

8. Protect your energy — especially from unhelpful comments

People will say the wrong things because there’s simply no guidebook for how to talk to bereaved parents. Many will offer platitudes, comparisons, and unsolicited advice. You don’t have to absorb it. You don’t have to explain your grief to anyone who hasn’t earned your trust.

And when you feel strong enough and ready, you are allowed to tell the people in your life how you want to grieve, and how you want to talk about your experience and your child.

Consider saying:

“You won’t upset me if you bring [name of child] up. I want to talk about them.”
“Here’s how I want to talk about [name of child].”
“Here’s the most helpful way you can talk with me about this loss.”
“You don’t need to say anything profound. Just be here.”
“It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. I’m still learning too.”
“I want you to share memories of them with me.”
“I want you to ask me to share my favorite memories of them.”
“Here’s what I don’t want to talk about.”

9. Create small pockets of rest

Grief is exhausting. Being in emotional pain is draining, and yet, the immense pain can make it hard to sleep. The bottom line is that it takes so much energy to simply exist.

At this point in your experience, rest isn’t just about sleep, it’s about softness and stillness. A moment where you can put the pain down, even briefly.

Ideas for rest:

Watch a show you’ve seen a hundred times.
Sit outside and listen to the wind.
Lie on the floor and do nothing.
Sip something warm without doing anything else.
Listen to music you find comforting.

10. Acknowledge the hard work you’re doing

Getting through a day with this kind of loss is no small feat. You’re allowed to take your time with it. You don’t need to write a book, start a foundation, or find your purpose through pain unless that feels right for you. Just existing is enough.

Try this: At the end of the day, no matter how it went, say to yourself: “I made it through another day. That’s enough.”

💙 Listen to our series on Grieving with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, PhD.

10 tips to support someone who’s lost a child

Supporting someone who’s grieving the death of a child can feel overwhelming. You want to help, but what do you say when nothing can fix it? How do you show up when the pain is so vast?

Remember that you’re not going to fix anything. Your only job is to show up and offer care without expecting comfort in return. Here are some ways you can support your loved one with compassion.

1. Say the child’s name

Many grieving parents fear their child will be forgotten. Saying their name acknowledges their existence and honors their memory.

You might fear that bringing the child up will only upset them, but they’re already thinking about their child constantly. It’s better to ask if it’s okay to talk about the child than to avoid the subject altogether.

What to say:

“Is it okay to talk about [child’s name]?”
“Can I share some of my favorite memories of [child’s name]?”
“I was thinking about [child’s name] today and I’ve been thinking about you too. How are you coping?”
“Tell me how you want to talk about [child’s name]? What is most supportive to you right now?”

2. Be specific with offers of help

“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it puts the burden of the planning on someone who may not have the energy to get out of bed. Be concrete.

Instead, try:

“I’m heading to the grocery store, can I grab you a few basics?”
“I’m free Thursday if you need a ride, a walk, or company.”
“I made extra [food]. Can I drop some off?”

Even better: Just do the thing if you know it won’t overwhelm them. Drop a card in their mailbox. Shovel the snow. Leave flowers on the porch. Keep it gentle and low-pressure.

3. Stick around long after the memorial

Support often floods in early, then fades, but grief doesn’t end in a month — or even a year. Some of the hardest moments are the quiet ones, when everyone else has moved on.

Ways to stay connected:

Set calendar reminders for their child’s birthday or other significant dates.
Text months later to say, “Thinking of you and [child’s name] today.”
Invite them into your life without pressure. Maybe that’s a coffee, a walk, a text check-in.

Grief is long. Your support should be too.

4. Accept their emotional reality — whatever it looks like

It’s so hard to see someone you love in pain, but there’s no use in trying to make them better so you can be more at ease.

Instead, get comfortable with discomfort. They may cry, rage, go silent, laugh unexpectedly, or say nothing at all. Your job isn’t to guide their reaction. It’s to create a safe space for it. If it feels overwhelming, you’re also allowed to take space to recover and recharge. You don’t have to be at their side every second.

What helps:

Nodding instead of interrupting
Reflecting back what you hear: “That sounds unbearable”
Sitting in silence when there are no words

What to avoid: Don’t correct their feelings or try to silver-line their pain. Don’t say, “At least you have other children,” or, “They’re in a better place.” Stick with the truth: “I’m so sorry this happened.”

5. Understand grief doesn’t come with a timeline

You might wonder when they’ll be able to move forward, but grief doesn’t follow a neat path — it loops, recycles, and flares up years later. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make someone feel better, but make sure they’re ready for that before you try. Sometimes people need to sit with their pain for a while.

Respect their pace:

Don’t rush them to re-engage with life, work, or socializing.
Don’t take it personally if they’re not up for events or celebrations.
Avoid phrases like “It’s been a while now…” or, “You should be feeling better.”

Healing isn’t linear. Grief is forever — it just changes shape and it’s okay if your relationship with them changes in response.

💙 Explore our “Good Grief” conversation between actor Dan Levy and Mel Mah.

6. Support their grief rituals, however they choose to remember

Whether they visit the cemetery every day or can’t bear to talk about it, follow their lead. There’s no “right” way to grieve a child.

How to show up:

Ask what dates are significant to them.
Offer to be part of a memorial ritual, like lighting a candle or attending a remembrance walk.
Respect if they want to mark birthdays or anniversaries — or avoid them altogether.

7. Support surviving siblings, too

Siblings often grieve in silence to avoid burdening their parents, or because they’re unsure how or unable to process what happened.

Also, some parents hide their grief from their other children to try not to make the situation “worse” or put pressure on the other sibling. Sometimes just offering some time to come hang out with a surviving sibling gives the parents space to grieve, breathe, or cry full out.

How to help:

Acknowledge their loss directly if appropriate: “You must miss your [sibling] so much.”
Offer normalcy by bringing them books, games, or distraction if that’s okay with their parents.
Offer to take the other child on a walk or an outing to give the parents some space to grieve.
Encourage space for their feelings: confusion, guilt, sadness, anger. You might say, “Do you want to tell me two big feelings you have right now?” (Again, check with their parents first.)

8. Offer presence, not pressure

You don’t have to say something profound. Sometimes just showing up is the most powerful thing you can do.

Try this:

Sit beside them while they cry.
Text, “No need to respond. Just thinking of you.”
Send a playlist, a book, or even a meme if it fits the relationship.

And if they cancel plans or go quiet? Don’t take it personally. Stay available. Keep reaching out.

9. Acknowledge holidays and milestones with care

The first birthday. The anniversary of their death. The holidays without them, even Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. These dates can feel unbearable. Don’t force them to grieve these days alone if you have time and space to show up.

Support might look like:

Sending a simple text: “Thinking of [child’s name] today”
Dropping off flowers or a card
Asking, “Would today be a good day for a visit, or would you prefer space?”
“I know today is hard, can I bring you a meal?”

Even if they don’t respond, your gesture can mean everything.

10. Educate yourself — don’t expect them to do all the explaining

Read up on child loss and grief. Listen to podcasts. Join online communities for supporters. This helps you show up better and avoid unintentionally harmful comments.

Good starting points:

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine
Worst Club Ever (a child loss podcast)
“Finding the Words” by Colin Campbell
The Dinner Party (for peer grief support age 21-45)
Modern Loss (resources and real talk)

Losing a child FAQs

How long does grief last after losing a child?

Grief after losing a child doesn’t have an endpoint. It’s not something you get over — it’s something you learn to carry. Some parents describe it as a wound that never fully heals, but changes shape over time. It may become quieter, less raw, but it’s always there beneath the surface. Years later, something as simple as a song, a child’s birthday, or a comment from a stranger can bring it roaring back.

Instead of asking how long grief lasts, it may be more helpful to ask how we learn to live alongside it. That journey looks different for everyone.

Some days you may feel functional, even joyful. Other days, the weight of loss might sit heavy on your chest. There’s no timeline, no measuring stick, and no shame in still grieving after months, years, or decades.

What are the stages of grief when you’ve lost a child?

You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these can be helpful reference points, they were never meant to be a linear roadmap — especially not for the loss of a child. These stages can repeat, skip, overlap, or disappear entirely. Grief doesn’t move in a straight line. It spirals, circles back, and changes with each season of life.

What you might experience instead are waves of emotions: numbness, rage, deep sadness, guilt, relief, longing, and moments of joy that feel complicated. It’s okay to feel one thing in the morning and the opposite by dinner. You’re not regressing — you’re surviving something impossible.

How can I support my other children while we’re grieving?

Supporting surviving children while navigating your own grief is one of the hardest tightropes to walk. Kids often process loss differently — through behavior, play, or silence. They may ask direct questions one day and avoid the topic the next. Some children worry about upsetting their parents further, so they keep their feelings hidden.

Try to normalize grief in your home without forcing conversation. Let other children know it’s okay to talk about their siblings — and also okay not to.

Keep routines where possible, even small ones like bedtime stories or pancakes on Saturdays. And remind them often that this wasn’t their fault. You’re all grieving together, but each in your own way.

If it feels overwhelming, a child therapist or grief counselor can help create space for everyone’s emotions.

What helps grandparents cope with losing a grandchild?

Grandparents often grieve doubly, mourning the loss of their grandchild while watching their own child suffer. They may feel helpless, unsure of their role, or overlooked in the family’s grief. Their pain is real and deserves support, even if it’s not always centered.

What helps is finding ways to remember their grandchild while also caring for themselves. That might include creating a photo album, planting a tree, or writing letters to their grandchild. It also means having someone to talk to — whether it’s a grief support group, a therapist, or a trusted friend.

Offering help to the parents (without pressure or expectations) can also give grandparents a sense of purpose during a time that feels deeply disorienting.

How do you support someone grieving a child’s death?

Start by showing up and staying. Grief often makes people uncomfortable, but your presence is more powerful than any perfect words.

Listen without trying to fix.
Acknowledge the child’s life and the pain of their loss.
Keep checking in, especially after the initial wave of support lessens.

Avoid clichés like, “Everything happens for a reason” or, “They’re in a better place.” Instead, say, “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.”

Offer practical help and specific gestures:

Bring groceries
Take their dog for a walk
Send a card on anniversaries

And most of all, be patient. Their grief won’t follow a script, and your steady, compassionate presence can be a lifeline.

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Calm Editorial Team