The moment that changed my life: poet Rupi Kaur opens up about her depression battle
Image Courtesy Rupi Kaur/Instagram (@rupikaur)
Poet Rupi Kaur's books have sold more than 10 million copies and been translated into 42 languages, but she's defining success a bit differently these days.
Kaur, whose world tour begins May 2, can only marvel at her meteoric rise in the publishing world. In 2014, she self-published her first collection of poems, “milk and honey” – after which, she thought she’d apply to law school. Instead, she went on to publish two more books, including her latest, “home body,” and grow an audience of 4.5 million fans on Instagram.
“It was like I got on a high speed train and never got off of it,” Kaur said. “When I did, I got extremely depressed.”
We caught up with Kaur, whose Calm Sleep Story, "into the stars," debuted last month, about the moments that changed her life and how she's planning to protect her mental health in the future.
Inside Her Battle With Depression
I never really planned that my first book, “milk and honey” was going to change my life in the ways that it did, so for many years, I was so go, go, go, go, go. It was the first time in my life, in my family’s life, I felt like we were financially secure. I write a lot about abuse in my books, and I felt safe, like those folks couldn’t get to me because I wrote about them. I get to have so many blessings and sharing them with my parents, who haven’t had much, has been such a beautiful experience. But I was also in denial for so long about my mental health. I thought, “You have nothing to be depressed about.” The math wasn’t mathing. [So, I figured], “I will just keep bulldozing through this thing until I feel what I'm supposed to feel, which is joy.”
For two to three years, I would close my eyes, and the only comfort would be imagining not being here anymore or sleeping forever. I would think about that constantly, all day long. It’s interesting that I let that happen for so long without realizing that's not a normal thing to think about. I definitely thought I would know if I was depressed. And wow, what a wake-up call and how humbling to not actually know at all.
““The only comfort would be imagining not being here anymore or sleeping forever. I would think about that constantly, all day long.””
One day, at the end of 2018, I sat there on my couch and I was like, “How many more years can I keep existing like this, because it already feels like I can't handle it anymore? And so how many more years can I handle it until I can't?” And I think I was like, “I'd give myself three years, tops.” And then I [realized], “That's really scary. And that's not OK. There's something wrong, and I need to fix it.” I think that was one day, one moment that was life-changing, because then it was like, “We’re no longer denying this.”
Seeking Help and Healing
That winter, I ordered every book there was about depression. I needed to understand it, but I also wanted memoirs. I wanted to read about people who had also been through this. And it did help. It was really affirming and also scary to read other people's experiences.
I was in such a bad place that I was like, “I’ll try anything,” so 2019 was my year of trying things. I decided to try meditation. I wanted to do something intensive, so I did a three-day course, and by the end of the third day, something physically changed in me. From 2015 to 2018, I felt like there was a brick wall right on my heart and I couldn't feel anything. Nothing was coming in and nothing was going out. I felt those blocks disintegrate. My sister picked me up and when she was driving me home, I was laughing in the car. Just to feel joyful was such a new feeling. It was so amazing.
““I felt like there was a brick wall right on my heart and I couldn’t feel anything. Nothing was coming in and nothing was going out.””
I also said, “I'm going to try this thing called therapy and actually go to more than one appointment.” I'd done therapy before but it just all fell off. Through therapy, I realized that sometimes depression doesn't come when you're in the midst of the trauma of your past. It comes when you finally reach a place of safety and security and your mind says, “OK, we can afford to break down now.” I think, definitely in my case, that happened.
Learning to Focus On Herself
I drown myself in work. I'm ambitious, I enjoy it. So my last big moment was the pandemic, when everything sort of shut down. The last piece of that puzzle, for me, was being forced to be still.
For that first couple of months, I was back with my family. We're a family of six, and the six of us had never been together in one place for like a decade. I know some people had to be alone during that time. I was very lucky to come back home to them.
I did the same thing every single day for months. I was being still and meditating and just doing the things that I feel like, in the regular world, are the things that I take off my schedule first. Like today, I didn't meditate, didn't work out, didn't eat breakfast.
I did ask myself as the world was opening up, “OK, what have I learned during this time and what am I?” I remember having this conversation with friends – there were lots of precious realizations that we had and we were like, “We don't want to forget this when the world is busy again and as we step outside.” That's still what I'm trying to hold on to.
How She Protects Her Mental Health Now
The last time I went on tour, it was amazing. Nothing bad happened. But I think I just get so lost in it that I don't prioritize myself as a human being.
Now, I think I'm just more protective about my mental space and time, and there are certain things I'm not going to do. I'm not going to perform every single night. I am going to go to the gym because that to me is like my anti-anxiety medication. I will not cancel that for anything. Having a routine and a schedule really helps.
But honestly, the biggest thing is forgiving myself, knowing that I'm going to totally f— it all up – and that's amazing.
This interview has been condensed for space and clarity.
Rupi Kaur’s Sleep Story, “into the stars” is an enchanting tale about a girl who journeys through our solar system. Join her as she floats through the Milky Way to watch earth’s deep blue seas swirl from outer space, meeting comets and nebulas along the way.
The Calm app offers guided meditations, mindfulness programs, breathing exercises, and bedtime stories that can help you unwind. Feel better, inside and out.
