What is toxic positivity? Here’s how to avoid it and get real
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Sometimes it’s not best to look on the bright side. Learn what toxic positivity is, why it can be harmful, and 8 mindful tips to help you actually feel your feelings.
We all have bad days — and bad moods. And in those moments you probably just want to vent to your bestie about how everything sucks and have them agree and nod, and maybe even hug you. But sometimes, instead of letting you get it out, they might tell you that everything will be fine, or that everything happens for a reason. And suddenly the bad day is even worse.
In these moments, a well intended friend can make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid, which can leave you feeling unheard. This is toxic positivity in action.
Positivity’s a great thing. It makes us feel hopeful and carry us through long days. But there’s a time and place for it. (Spoiler alert: it’s usually not when emotions are high.)
It can be hard to balance knowing when to be positive and when that positivity’s actually working against us. If you’re wanting to figure out what that balance is while also staying hopeful and real, we’ve got you. Let’s take a moment to honor whatever emotion we’re feeling right now and explore more.
What is toxic positivity?
At first glance, being endlessly positive might seem harmless. What’s wrong with always looking on the bright side of things? But when we use positivity to ignore or dismiss real emotions, it can be damaging.
Toxic positivity is the idea that no matter what challenges or hardships we’re facing, we should stay positive and only focus only on the good. And it sends a message that feeling anything other than happiness is unacceptable, and maybe even unproductive.
But emotions like sadness, anger, and frustration are not “bad.” They’re a natural part of being human, and they help us process experiences and grow. Being a person is about being allowed to feel all the range of emotions.
Why does toxic positivity occur?
Toxic positivity might make us feel frustrated, but usually when someone’s being overly positive they’re doing it with good intentions. They’re probably trying their best to make someone happy again but it’s probably just making it worse.
To help shed more light on toxic positivity, here are four common reasons why people might act this way:
Discomfort with emotions: A lot of us don’t like sitting in someone’s pain or sadness. It can be uncomfortable. So we tend to offer quick consolations. That way, we can move on quickly.
Cultural conditioning: We’re constantly told that happiness is the goal. And so often social media shows us highlight reels of perfect “happy” lives. This can make it feel like any negativity is taboo.
A desire to help: Many of us want to “fix” things and make others feel better when someone’s hurting so we quickly offer up solutions. But this can invalidate the other person’s feelings.
Pressure to stay positive: A lot of us don’t like to feel anything other than happiness because if we’re struggling that somehow means we’re ungrateful. But we’re allowed to struggle and that doesn't make us ungrateful.
6 signs of toxic positivity (and why it can be harmful)
When you’re not in the best place, it can be hard to see straight and trust your emotions. Which makes it easy to convince yourself that someone who’s engaging in toxic positivity is just being positive and you’re the one in the wrong.
But if you feel like your emotions are being dismissed and you’re being pushed to be happy when you’re not, it could be toxic positivity happening in real time. To help you decipher if someone’s doing this to you (or you’re doing it to yourself), here are six signs to watch for:
1. Dismissing feelings with “look on the bright side” statements: If someone keeps using phrases like, “It could be worse,” after you open up to them. Comments like this might seem encouraging, but they often invalidate the very real feelings you’re experiencing.
2. Minimizing struggles by oversimplifying solutions: If someone chimes in with something like, “Just stay positive” after you vented about a difficult situation. Solutions like this can minimize your feelings. And it can feel like they’re trying to slap a quick bandaid on something that’s actually more complicated.
The world can be cruel. And when we tell someone to “just stay positive” when they’re dealing with big issues like inequality or workplace stress, this can just feel tone-deaf and dismissive. Toxic positivity can oversimplify complex problems. This can be incredibly frustrating and can make us feel not heard.
3. Feeling ashamed of your emotions: If you think to yourself something like, “I have so much to be grateful for — why am I upset?” Thoughts like this are usually internalized toxic positivity. You’re allowed to experience all of the emotions and you don’t have to feel guilty for that.
Difficult emotions are going to happen to us. They are a part of life and when we sit with them, we can learn to grow, heal, and understand ourselves more. But when we’re toxically positive, this doesn’t allow us to sit with these hard feelings. Instead, it just allows us to stay stuck in these feelings.
4. Avoiding difficult conversations: If someone in your life is always changing the subject to lighter things when emotions get heavy. Avoiding tactics like this can also be toxically positive and negate your present feelings.
5. Pressure to appear happy all the time: If you feel constantly compelled to say, “I’m fine!” when you’re asked how you’re doing. This pressure society puts on us and we put on ourselves can be exhausting and isolating. It’s okay to not always project constant happiness. And by not saying how you’re actually feeling, it can prevent you from getting the real support you need.
6. Overusing motivational quotes and clichés: If you or someone you’re around is always using phrases like, “Happiness is a choice”. Motivational quotes like this—especially after someone’s just opened up about how they're struggling—can really gloss over your struggles and leave you feeling worse.
What to do about toxic positivity: 8 mindful tips to help you (and others) feel your feelings authentically
There are certainly times in life when looking on the bright side is best, but when you’re deep in the trenches of sad, scary, or frustrating emotions, a silver lining isn’t always the vibe.
To help you navigate the tricky world of toxic positivity, here are eight mindful tips you can try.
1. Allow yourself (and others) to feel the full range of emotions
All of your emotions are valid. It’s easy not to judge joy and excitement, but emotions like sadness, anger, and frustration are also just as important. (If anger is making life tough, here are 13 steps that can help.)
When you acknowledge how you feel, you also give ourselves permission to fully process those emotions and then move forward. And this goes for letting others feel all of their emotions as well.
Try this: The next time you’re sad, consider pausing and calling it out. Maybe say, “I’m feeling sad.” By doing this, you can help to validate your experience and you can then start to process it.
2. Practice empathetic listening
When someone opens up to you, try not to attempt to fix their problem or cheer them up right away. This can be a lot easier said than done. But instead, try to focus on listening with empathy. And if you’re not sure what to say, that’s okay. You can also just be present with them and hold space. Sometimes just your presence is enough. (If you’re running low on empathy, here are eight exercises to help.)
Try this: Two responses you could say to help make a person feel heard are, “That sounds really hard,” and “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m here for you,” These are simple and short, but they can really go a long way.
3. Set boundaries with advice-giving
Not every problem needs a solution. If you’re the one trying to help, a good thing you can ask is “Do you want advice, or would you like me to just listen?” This question is small but it can really let the other person know that you’re there for them in whatever way they need.
Try this: If they don’t want advice, a good place to start could be, “Wow, that’s a lot. And that makes total sense how you’re feeling.” This can make them feel heard even when they’re not yet looking for solutions.
4. Normalize difficult emotions in conversations
If someone’s going through it, try as much as possible not to brush off their feelings. Statements like “You’ll be fine,” or, “Don’t worry about it,” can really invalidate their emotions.
Instead try to focus on a validating statement like, “I get it. And that’s totally okay to feel that way.” These words can help create a safe space for them to feel all of their feelings.
Try this: It’s also okay to not have a response. Sometimes a simple hand hold or hug can do way more than any words can. But consider asking first to make sure they’re okay with that.
💙 Listen to the Face Difficult Emotions meditation with Dr. Julie Smith if you’re wanting a little guidance with being there for a loved one (or yourself) during a tough moment.
5. Reflect on your own relationship with emotions
Try to be as kind to yourself as you are to your loved ones. And if you catch yourself feeling like you shouldn’t be feeling sad or angry, try to remind yourself that that’s internalized toxic positivity at work.
Try this: When you notice yourself feeling self-critical thoughts, try to counter them with a kind one. You could say, “I’m really angry right now. But that’s okay. This is a hard moment, and I’m doing my best.”
6. Embrace mindfulness to connect with your feelings
Instead of trying to avoid your emotions, try to stay present with them. You could do this with some mindfulness practices like deep breathing (here are 10 to try) or doing a quick body scan. These exercises can help bring you back to the moment.
Try this: If you’re in your feelings, take three deep breaths, inhaling for four counts, holding for four, and then exhaling for six. As you do this, try to notice where you’re holding tension and then gently let it go.
💙 Listen to this Mindfulness meditation with Tamara Levitt to help you connect with your feelings a little better.
7. Be mindful of social media’s impact
Social media can be great for connecting with others. But it also can really affect our perception of the world by only showing us highlight reels of other peoples “happy” lives.
To help make it easier on you, if there’s a polished account that always leaves you a little sad, unfollow it. There’s no need to put yourself through that.
Try this: If you’re feeling too affected by social media, consider going on a break and not checking it for a few days. This could help you reset and give you some much-needed perspective. (And here are 12 ways to scroll less and live more, if you’re wanting to take time away from your devices.)
8. Focus on progress, not perfection
If you catch yourself leaning into toxic positivity, try not to beat yourself up. You’re human and all of us make mistakes. Instead, try to take it as a learning moment. Then move forward and focus on the progress you’re making by being aware of your mistake.
Try this: If you’re in your head and can’t stop fixating on a mistake, try moving your body or going for a walk to help bring you back to the present. (And if you’re still having a hard time with negative self-talk, here are eight ways to quiet your inner critic)
💙 Listen to Progress, Not Perfection with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar to help you let go of being a perfectionist.
What is toxic positivity FAQs
What is considered toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity usually happens when you’re forced to dismiss or invalidate your real emotions. Someone typically behaves this way when they’re constantly encouraging you to look on the bright side and they do it in a way that makes you feel like your emotions are being minimized.
Saying something like, “But look at all the great things you have!” is an example of toxic positivity. And it usually sends the unspoken message that the hard feelings you’re experiencing right now should be hidden or ignored. This can leave you feeling silenced, unsupported, and even isolated.
Authentic positivity though makes room for all of your emotions. It lets you hold space for challenges while it also can gently encourage you to hope (when the time feels right).
Is toxic positivity gaslighting?
It might be easy to confuse toxic positivity and gaslighting because they both can leave you feeling invalidated. But they’re actually very different. Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to make you doubt your reality or your experiences.
Toxic positivity, on the other hand, is usually unintentional and the person doing it to you is typically doing it with the intention of trying to make you feel better. They could say to you, “Don’t worry! Stay positive!” This isn’t gaslighting. But if you are worrying, then it is a statement that could negate your feelings.
If you’re wanting to comfort someone but you’re not sure how, a good rule of thumb is to try to remember that comfort starts with validating the other person’s feelings, and not dismissing them.
Why is toxic positivity harmful?
Toxic positivity can be harmful because it can make you feel like you’re not allowed to feel the full range of emotions. This can then leave little room for you to process your feelings in a healthy way.
It’s very common to feel sad, angry, and scared. These emotions help you understand your experiences, work through challenges, and help you grow. But when these emotions are ignored or downplayed because of toxic positivity, it can be very damaging. And it can make it harder for you to heal or move forward.
Also toxic positivity can make you feel very lonely. If you’re always expected to be happy or “grateful,” then this can lead you to stop opening up to others. Over time, this can cause you to burnout, strain your relationships, and may even cause you to feel tension or fatigue.
What can I do instead of toxic positivity?
To help put an end to toxic positivity, try to lead with authenticity and empathy. If you allow yourself and others to feel all of the emotions without judgment, you're leading with healthy positivity.
And when someone shares something difficult with you, try to focus on listening rather than fixing. You could say something like, “Wow, that sounds really tough,” which helps to validate people’s experience and also lets them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling.
If you’re currently struggling, try to remind yourself that it’s okay to have hard days. You don’t need to force yourself to cheer up. Instead allow yourself to feel those emotions and then give yourself that space to process that. And be kind to yourself along the way.
What to say instead of toxic positivity?
It can be overwhelming to know what to say when someone’s struggling. It’s natural to want to be positive but you also don’t want to invalidate their experience by going too far and being toxically positive.
A good place to start though is to lead in a way that acknowledges the other person’s feelings and also shows that you’re present with them. And if nothing comes to mind, that’s okay. You don’t always need to say something. Sometimes just listening and being there is enough.
If you’re wanting specific responses though, here are two possible ways you could comfort someone without being toxically positive:
“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. That’s a lot. Just know, I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Wow, that sounds really overwhelming. Can I do anything to help support you?”
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