“Why can’t I control my emotions?” 9 emotional regulation tips
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Navigating overwhelming feelings can be challenging. Find out why and how to develop emotional regulation skills for a more balanced life.
Emotions are complex and profound. They shape our experiences, decisions, and interactions. Yet navigating them can be difficult. Sometimes so much so that we can experience something that psychologists term as “emotional dysregulation” where we feel so overwhelmed by a surge of emotions that our nervous system becomes activated and dysregulated.
And while emotions don’t necessarily need to be “controlled”, they do need to be managed in a way that means they don’t take over your life or jeopardize your wellbeing. Fortunately, there are strategies and tools to help you regulate your emotions and manage any strong feelings you’re experiencing appropriately.
What is emotional dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation means having difficulty effectively managing, processing, and expressing your feelings. This could mean crying inconsolably over a minor inconvenience or feeling deep anger over a trivial comment. You might have heard it referred to as ‘anger management’, but there’s far more to emotional dysregulation than just anger. And it's more common than you'd think—many of us sometimes struggle with this balance.
Being occasionally overwhelmed by our emotions is part of the human experience. But if it happens often, recognizing and understanding the signs of emotional dysregulation can help you find balance and handle your feelings more effectively.
The leading causes of emotional dysregulation
Understanding the roots of emotional dysregulation can be pivotal in managing it. Recognizing these causes isn't about laying blame but about understanding, and with understanding comes the power to manage your feelings and reactions more easily.
Childhood trauma: Sometimes, emotional patterns stem from our past, especially our younger years. A turbulent childhood, experiences of neglect, or traumatic events can leave lasting imprints on how we handle our feelings as adults. Our childhood years build the foundations of our emotional management, so instability during that time can influence how we cope as adults.
Mental health: Difficulty with emotions might signal underlying mental health challenges. Conditions like PTSD, bipolar disorder, depression, or anxiety disorders can heighten our emotional responses.
Neurological factors: Imbalances in brain structures or neurotransmitters can affect the overall balance of our emotions. The different sections of the brain usually work in harmony, but if an area is out of step, it can cause problems. Genetics, brain injuries, or other factors could affect the brain's rhythm.
Stress and overwhelm: Pressures from work, relationships, and personal challenges can make your mental load feel heavier. Without getting a proper break when you need it, you might find it harder to manage your feelings.
Substance abuse: Alcohol and drugs can severely disrupt the fine-tuning of our emotions. They can jumble our responses to exaggerate some feelings while numbing others.
Lack of learned coping skills: We learn to manage emotions throughout our lives, with most of the groundwork being done during childhood. However, some people were never taught how to manage their emotions as children. This can mean that when intense feelings surface in adulthood, they might feel unprepared or overwhelmed, reacting in an extreme—or numbed—way.
How to manage your emotions: 9 useful tips for emotional regulation
For those struggling through unpredictable emotional responses, it can be a relief to learn some techniques that can help you.
1. Practice mindfulness meditation
Grounding you in the present moment, mindfulness meditation allows you to recognize and acknowledge your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. By practicing mindfulness meditation, you can train yourself to become an observer of your thoughts and feelings. It teaches you not to judge yourself or jump to conclusions but simply to notice what’s going on inside.
💙 If mindfulness is new to you, we have your back. For a step-by-step introduction, check out our Mindfulness Meditation.
2. Master deep breathing techniques
When we're stressed, our breath becomes shallow, which can heighten feelings of anxiety. But a deep breathing practice can help you feel a bit better. By taking deep, measured breaths you’re telling your body and brain that things are okay.
💙 This can be as simple as practicing deep breathing on your own. Or you can try breathing along with our Breathe Bubble for guidance.
3. Practice grounding techniques
When emotions are high, grounding techniques can work wonders. These techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique are designed to pull you out of the emotional state you’re in and help you ground in the reality of your surroundings. With the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, you name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. By engaging the senses and pulling yourself back into your body you can help reduce emotional inflammation and restore feelings of calm.
💙 Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique as a guided meditation with Tamara Levitt.
4. Identify triggers
Emotional triggers are like buttons causing feelings when they're pushed. When you recognize what these buttons are, it can empower you to avoid them being pressed. Of course, spotting your triggers may not be straightforward, especially when you’re new to emotional regulation. Find out how to identify and manage your triggers to develop your skills.
5. Practice emotion regulation techniques
These are like your emotional toolkit—you can choose the methods you need to support you in the moment you need them. Techniques might include cognitive reframing, where you switch up negative thoughts to find positives, or challenging irrational beliefs to help you find what’s true.
Another method to try is the "STOP" technique to help you pause your reactions.
S tells you to Stop, interrupting the thoughts you’re having.
T prompts you to Take a few deep breaths.
O reminds you to Observe what’s happening in your body, mind, and emotions.
P allows you to Proceed with how you’ve decided to react.
It can be a powerful tool to help you redirect or control intense emotional reactions before they escalate.
6. Stay active
Physical activity releases natural mood-lifting chemicals into the body. Whether it's a brisk walk, yoga, or an exercise class, physical activity helps release pent-up emotions. It makes you feel good, putting you in a better position to manage your reactions.
💙 You can also help regulate your emotions with mindful movement. Check out Saying Goodbye to Anger from the Daily Move with Mel Mah.
7. Connect with nature
Nature has a soothing, grounding effect on the mind. Even a short walk in a park or garden can offer a fresh perspective and help you escape overwhelming emotions. If you live in a city where you don’t have access to a park or garden, even opening your windows and breathing some fresh air can really help.
💙 Sometimes we want to connect with nature but we’re stuck inside. On these days try a soothing nature-based soundscape like Alpine Meadow.
8. Practice journaling
Putting your emotions on paper can help you gain clarity, understand patterns, and solve emotional challenges. Seeing your feelings written down can be very therapeutic—like conversing with yourself. This can help you process your emotions.
💙 Start by consulting our Feelings Wheel to zero-in on how you’re feeling. Then use our Feelings Journal to help you process those feelings.
9. Seek support and professional help
Sometimes, the best way to manage emotions is to talk them out. Sharing how you feel with someone you trust, like a friend or family member, can be immensely relieving. Or you may prefer to chat with a professional who can offer coping strategies and insights when emotions seem too challenging to handle alone. Remember, seeking help shows your strength and commitment to self-growth.
The aim of controlling your emotions isn’t to stop feeling them—after all, they're a part of who you are. But with the right tools, you can learn to control your feelings more effectively.
Why can’t I control my emotions? FAQs
Why do I struggle to control my emotions, even in seemingly minor situations?
You're not alone in feeling this way–some people naturally have heightened emotional responses. Past traumas, ingrained habits from childhood, or even genetic predispositions can be the cause. Or it might be the brain's way of alerting you to something that, beneath the surface, holds more significance than it appears. Using mindfulness or therapy to get to the root cause can provide clarity.
Is it normal to experience mood swings and emotional outbursts regularly?
Everyone has their unique emotional rhythm. However, frequent mood swings or outbursts can sometimes signal underlying issues. Factors like stress, hormonal imbalances, mental health conditions, or certain medications can play a role. Monitor the triggers and patterns of these swings. It might be worth seeking professional support if they're impacting your daily life.
How can I tell the difference between a temporary emotional reaction and a more serious emotional disorder?
Temporary emotional reactions are short-lived and usually relate to specific situations or triggers. But, emotional disorders often involve persistent feelings or behaviors that might not have an apparent trigger, interfering with daily life. Monitor the patterns, and if you're concerned about the intensity or frequency of your emotions, speak with a professional to get guidance and clarity.
What is it called when you feel like you can't control your emotions?
If your emotions feel overwhelming and seem to have a mind of their own, it’s known as "emotional dysregulation." Emotional dysregulation can be unsettling, whether it's crying over something small or suddenly feeling overwhelmingly angry. But there are tools and strategies to help you manage and understand these feelings better.
Why do I always have emotional outbursts?
Frequent emotional outbursts can indicate you're dealing with underlying stressors or unresolved issues. Accumulated stress, past traumas, certain mental health conditions, or hormonal imbalances might be contributors. If your emotions are impacting your day-to-day life, consider seeking professional advice or support.
How does ADHD affect emotions?
ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, doesn't just affect attention, it can also influence emotional regulation. Those with ADHD might experience emotions more intensely and find it challenging to shift their focus away from negative feelings. This can make it harder to manage reactions to everyday stressors. But with the right strategies, coping mechanisms, and sometimes therapy or medication, it’s possible to manage your emotions with ADHD.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
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