Your mindful guide to the 2021 holiday season
This year, so many of us (with boosters on board) are choosing to spend time with family and friends again and it can feel like the pressure is on to make up for lost time. More parties, more presents, more nights out. Did you put up the lights? Mail your holiday cards? Remember the cloves for that mulled wine you promised to make? It’s been nearly two years since we’ve gathered, and now you feel like you can’t say no to a single thing. And maybe you don’t want to! It’s natural to want to dive head first into a giant communal bowl of eggnog after being at home for so long, but even with the best intentions this time of year can start to feel seriously overwhelming. So let’s talk about some ways to gently combat the pressures we feel during this season.
Let Go of the Forced Festivity
Every car commercial is blasting you with a rock opera rendition of “Carol of the Bells,” you’re getting mailers from clothing retailers with laughably outrageous pictures of families in matching pajamas smiling from ear to ear, and it seems like every person on Instagram is showing off their meticulously decorated house. For real, how many trips to Target did it take to buy all of those wreaths? Most of the planning and prepping starts out feeling light and festive but as the “you must be having fun” messaging comes from all directions you wouldn’t be alone in thinking it’s… well, a lot. So what can you do? Take a breather. You’re not Mariah Carey. You don’t need to carry the weight of the holiday season on your shoulders alone. That’s her job. Take a moment to remind yourself that you don’t need to light up your house like the Griswolds, or make picture-perfect memories for everyone else while sacrificing your own wellbeing.
Everyone’s interpretation of the holidays is different. While some of us dream of dressing to the nines and going out for New Year’s Eve, others plan a cozy night at home with a movie and a great charcuterie board. What matters most is that you’re doing what brings you joy, not what you feel is expected of you by others.
Set Healthy Holiday Boundaries
Holiday parties are back, baby! Your neighbor is having an ugly sweater party, your casino night office holiday party invite just came, and now your aunt wants the whole family to come over to her house… all on the same night? Even on normal years it can feel like December is just a giant game of scheduling Tetris, but this year, it feels like Tetris on steroids. What started out as a few invites are now piling up in a terrifying stack on your kitchen counter and you’re feeling that familiar creep of anxiety as you try to prioritize which of these events to go to. And to be perfectly honest, most of the time it’s less about which ones you want to go to and more about who you’re most afraid of offending by not showing up.
Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D., Psychologist and author of High Octane Women: How Superachievers Can Avoid Burnout says, “Most people can't do everything they wish they could do during the holidays, so you need to examine what is most important to you and let go of the rest. Take 15 to 20 minutes and make a list of what you'd like to do this season, then pare it down to what is most meaningful and important for you.”
Asserting boundaries can often feel uncomfortable, but we need to normalize that feeling in order to move past it. Once you pare down your calendar and decide what activities you most care about, you can start to actually enjoy them instead of rushing from one to the next.
Escape the Emotional Labor of Gift-Buying
It seems the list of who to buy gifts for gets a little longer every year. Looking back, you wonder when you went from buying gifts for immediate family to buying gifts for the entire extended family, neighbors, kids’ teachers, coworkers, and let’s just throw in some Secret Santa or White Elephant gifts in, because you said yes to those too. “It’s cool,” you say to yourself, eyes glazed over, “I have Amazon Prime.” But aside from the actual cost of these items, what you’re not taking into account is the emotional labor of gift giving.
In 2017, Gemma Hartley’s Harper’s Bazaar piece titled, “Women Aren’t Nags — We’re Just Fed Up” brought the term “emotional labor” into the mainstream and gift giving was a major part of that labor. Hartley’s piece described the mental and emotional work of keeping track of a household: remembering birthdays, planning trips, and buying gifts were a few of the things. When she would ask her partner for help, he’d offer to do the final step, but the bulk of the mostly-invisible problem solving was left to her. And this is a common experience. Many of us feel the pressure to be the sole family member to keep the holiday train moving by remembering the CVS-receipt-length list of people we need to gift.
This year, consider simplifying. Can you donate to charities your friends and family care about in their names? The world gets a little better and there’s no shipping and wrapping involved. Alternatively, you could focus instead on handwritten letters or homemade gifts. While these can absolutely be time consuming (and let this be your reminder that every person on your list doesn’t need a personalized gift by an exhausted, burnt-out you), if you limit your list, these kinds of gifts can feel so special. DIY not your style? No one is going to notice or shame you if you buy 10 of the same thing and give it to everyone.
Don’t Compare Yourself to the Internet’s Version of the Holidays
The holidays feel different for everyone. So does mental health. Just because you’re stuck in an infinite scroll hole of perfect holiday photos online, or looking at someone’s beautifully-posed holiday card doesn’t mean that’s reality. What we see on social media is the Facetuned highlight reel. Not even the people you’re comparing yourself to have the life you’re picturing, but putting on a show for the rest of the world may be someone’s way of masking grief as they miss a loved one no longer with us, or covering their own feelings of inadequacy. We’d all be a bit better off dropping the veil of perfection and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with one another, but when that’s not a possibility, know that you’re not the only one struggling through the season.
Remember that some of us have an enormous capacity for socializing while some of us need two days of Netflix in bed to recharge after a night out. You are valuable and worthy no matter how you choose to spend your December. Learning to embrace FOMO’s introverted cousin, JOMO (the joy of missing out)? Whether you’re awake at 6 am hiking with your parents or reheating take-out and eating it at 9am, wrapped in a massive blanket cocoon, scrolling your phone and half-watching a Hallmark movie, we support you. The best gift you can give yourself is the care you need to feel whole.
