How to stay sane this Thanksgiving
This Thursday is Thanksgiving, which can mean a heaping helping of turkey with a steaming side of family-induced stress. Just the thought of it has you wondering if the guest bathroom is clean enough to meet your mom’s unreasonably high standards. Or asking yourself if someone’s going to comment on your weight totally unprompted. Or if your uncle plans to pepper the young couple with uncomfortable questions about when they’re going to settle down and have kids.
Even if you’re not hosting this year, every family has unresolved stuff that gets dredged up when everyone gets together. Thanksgiving can be a lot for guests, too. No one would blame you for feeling overwhelmed. These anxiety-provoking moments lurk just below the surface of Thanksgiving’s warm and fuzzy, pumpkin-spiced exterior. But they’re also part of life, which is why we’re here to help. Here are a few ways you can reframe these stressful situations to make them feel a little more manageable.
Figure out what the problems are really about
At every Thanksgiving gathering, there’s always one family member who lets their temper get the best of them, making it weird for the rest of the group. Second cousin Larry is mad the football game isn’t on. There are too many pillows on the couch. The traffic was bad on the way over. He had a better seat at the table last year. But usually, what he says he’s mad about isn’t what he’s really mad about.
In his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw writes that, “Anger [is a] signal of actual or impending threats to our well-being.” Remember, many of us haven’t been in a group setting for awhile and this flurry of socializing can feel overwhelming, but stress often manifests as misplaced outbursts of anger. The solution to diffusing the situation could be as simple as getting away from the bigger group for a few minutes and taking a walk together. Larry gets to vent, and you get to hand off the prep duties for a few minutes. Win win.
Family first, food second
Your nightmares have come to fruition. The turkey has burned. This is the most grievous sin one can commit on Thanksgiving. Visions of a room full of turkey-starved zombies fill your head. You imagine them looking disdainfully at your charred bird and wonder if you can sneak out and drive to someone else’s Thanksgiving without anyone noticing. Or, you know, just keep driving, buy a burner phone, change your name, and never look back. Whatever works.
Despite it feeling like the end of the world, the things we freak out about are often not a big deal to anyone but us. Taking a cue from cognitive behavioral therapy, stop the anxiety spiral by first assessing the reality of the situation apart from your catastrophic thinking. In Cognitive-behavioral Therapy for Anxiety Disorders, Dr. Antonia N. Kaczkurkin and Dr. Edna B. Foa explain, “CBT is typically conceptualized as a short-term, skills-focused treatment aimed at altering maladaptive emotional responses by changing the patient's thoughts, behaviors, or both.” In this case, try the CBT technique of stopping your spiral by testing the facts of the situation. In reality, the turkey burning is troubling, but not a crisis. Once you remind yourself of that, your emotional reaction can be right sized. Maybe this charred turkey isn’t the problem you’ve made it into in your mind.
Anyway, the big secret about Thanksgiving is that no one really likes turkey. It’s always kinda dry and it takes up plate space that we’d all rather use on a second scoop of sweet potato casserole.
Let yourself picture the worst case scenario
Your cousin Amanda named her new baby Madelyn with a “y” even though everyone knows your other cousin Jess has been saying for years how much she wants to name her baby Madelyn with a “y.”
All of a sudden, it can start to feel like this Madelyn with a “y” situation is going to ruin Thanksgiving. Will they make it awkward? Will they argue? Will Jess passive-aggressively call the baby “Made-LINE?”
Madelyn-gate threatens to ruin the already-tenuous peace. But ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Cousins give each other icy glares across the table? Passive aggressive remarks are made? Take a moment and remember that you can’t control everyone’s emotions. In fact, the only emotions you can control are your own. If you’re a people pleaser, this is sometimes easier said than done. According to Amy Morin, Author of What Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, “the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues.” Remember that your happiness is just as important as those you’re hosting. Let them squabble or give each other the silent treatment and do your best to focus on the rest of the family who came to enjoy the day.
Make your mind like water
Even if these specific problems don’t resonate with you, there is one trick that will work for any issue that comes up: have a mind like water. As David Allen wrote in his productivity book Getting Things Done: “Imagine throwing a pebble into a still pond. How does the water respond? The answer is, totally appropriately to the force and mass of the input; then it returns to calm. It doesn't overreact or under-react.”
Having a mind like water means taking in stimuli, dealing with it appropriately, and returning back to calm. All these little stressors you’re dealing with? They’re pebbles, thrown into your pond. Ripple out, and then retract.
Ricky playing Nintendo Switch at the table again? Aunt Cindy critiquing your green beans almondine recipe? Mind like water. Scratch that — make your mind like gravy. Gravy is just a little bit thicker than water.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
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