5 habits of the mind that make heartbreak worse (and what to do instead)
This post is written in partnership with Bumble.
Heartbreak can be so intensely painful that most of us wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemy. The experience can feel tremendous and life-changing. And while you may not believe it when you’re going through it, the transformation brought on by heartbreak can open you up to a bigger, more beautiful love.
But first, you must live and breathe through the time that it takes to grieve and mend your tender heart. While you can’t rush healing, you can get out of your way and help the process by recognizing the thoughts and beliefs that cause further suffering. Consider these unhelpful habits of the mind and how mindfulness can help you overcome them when dealing with heartbreak.
Ruminating on what-ifs
Anyone who’s tried meditating knows that the mind often busies itself trying to figure out how to best control your life. This mechanism goes into overdrive when things fall apart and we’re feeling pain. The mind frantically goes back in time to find out where things went wrong: “Did I text too often? Maybe I didn’t text enough?” While we might rationalize this as a helpful reflection, trying to fix the situation is a sneaky way that the mind attempts to escape pain.
Rather than cycling through the would’ves, could’ves and should’ves, tend to your heart in the present moment. Meet yourself with all the care and compassion you can muster. Buy yourself flowers. Cook yourself dinner. Take yourself on long walks. Make a date with your therapist. Meditate or feel your feet on the ground when you notice yourself falling down a rabbit hole of “if onlies.”
Try this mindful mantra next time you catch yourself ruminating:
“Breakups hurt. I will honor the pain and the time it takes to mend my heart by grounding myself in the present and treating myself with extra tenderness.”
Internalizing rejection
Rejection stings, but don’t let it poison you by believing it’s a reflection of your self-worth. Instead of weaving stories of not-enoughness, remember that relationships are complicated. Sometimes the relationship isn’t the right fit. It’s difficult when the other person decides for you, but it can be helpful to imagine how you might have come to the same conclusion. Breakups aren’t failures; they’re shifts in a different direction.
Most importantly, remember that you are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. Don’t reject yourself just because you feel rejected. Focus on activities that help you connect to your sense of worth and feel more confident. Ask your friends and family what they find loveable about you.
Try this mindful mantra if you find yourself feeling rejected:
“My worth is not determined by my romantic relationships. I will not further this pain by rejecting myself. I love and accept all of who I am, especially the not-so-perfect parts.”
Desperately seeking closure
It’s human to want answers, but the truth is, we don’t always get them. It’s not worth agonizing over why things didn’t play out as you hoped. One day in the future, you won’t need to know; you’ll be enjoying a more satisfying relationship. In the meantime, cultivate peace of mind through different pursuits that feed your spirit.
The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke summed up the misguided need for closure best when he said, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” Your mission is to bravely live the questions.
Try this mindful mantra when you’re overwhelmed by questions:
“I may never know why this didn’t work out, and I don’t need to know. I will focus my energy on creating a life that nourishes and sustains all of me. ”
Holding onto the future
Heartbreak includes grieving both the loss of the relationship and the future you dreamed up for the relationship: the places you’d go, the family you’d create, and the home you’d build. Giving up on what could’ve been can shake your sense of stability and leave you in the deep discomfort of uncertainty. And, as we all know, the mind often revolts against the unknown. You might try to reclaim certainty by grasping the belief that a life with this person is the only thing that could ever make you happy. This isn’t true. (We promise). Let go of the fantasy of a fulfilling future with this person.
When you catch yourself holding tightly to what could've been, refocus your mind and heart on other ways to bring joy and nourishment into your life, with or without a partner. Connect to your inner resilience and remind yourself that you will be okay. Cultivate joy in your day and let a new future reveal itself as you heal and transform into a wiser version of yourself.
Try this mindful mantra when you want to let go of what could have been:
“I let go of what we could’ve had, and I open my heart to the mystery and possibility of what’s next for me. ”
Trying to stop the love
When a relationship ends, we think that we have to stop loving the other person for the sake of our mental sanity. As you’ve likely learned by now, trying to stop a feeling is a one-way ticket to frustration and pain. The art of being human is learning how to experience a multitude of feelings. It’s okay to feel anger, love, longing, and sadness at the same time. While we may wish it so, the anger or the sadness doesn’t cancel out the love. Accept all of your feelings. Honor and work with each of them. And as for the love, let it be. Today it might ache, but that will shift and change over the days and months to come. One day that love might even conjure up a sense of gratitude for the lessons and adventures.
Try this mindful mantra to let love be :
“My love continues to flow through this transition. I honor the waves of grief that wash through me and watch my feelings shift and change over time.”
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