5 ways to date courageously
Whatever type of commitment you aspire to — from swiping to the altar, or just a fun date — every stage of a relationship is an opportunity for personal transformation and meaningful connection. Whether you end up finding love, a helpful lesson, a quirky conversation, or a more solid sense of self, it’s possible to enjoy the adventure.
This stuff wasn’t taught in school (and certainly not in rom-coms), so we’re partnering with Bumble, the women-first social networking app, to help you make the best of every moment while you’re looking for the one (or the next one). Here are five ways to date courageously.
Stay in the present
When sparks fly, our minds can easily fast forward into the future. After only a few dates you might catch yourself planning the wedding or wondering what you’ll name your first dog. Or you might start to fear heartbreak before you even know if they have any brothers or sisters. It’s natural for the mind to wander like this, but we do a disservice to both ourselves and our date by not staying present. Get curious about the unique specks of color in their eyes, listen to the way they laugh, and stay connected to how your body feels when you are with them. All of the information you gather in the moment will help you to discover if this is a person you really want in your life. Be here now. Breath by breath. Date by date.
Walk away when it’s not working
According to Jemma Ahmed, Head of Insights at Bumble, close to 1 in 4 people on Bumble are newly single after experiencing a breakup during the peak of the pandemic. And while that may sound a little sad, it can turn out to be a good thing. Jemma explains that “the time and space afforded by lockdown inspired many people to courageously end relationships that weren’t working and to instead focus on themselves”. Sometimes we end up staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Perhaps the person doesn’t treat us well but we figure it’s better than being alone. Or the chemistry isn't there, but we enjoy the experience of being liked. Or we’re ignoring some serious red flags. Consider the energy you’re investing in the relationship and explore if it might be better spent elsewhere. Remember that an ending is also a new beginning.
Be honest
Dating gets stressful when we try to play it cool. Anxiety arises as we wonder when to text or what to reveal about ourselves. We’re not proposing you share your most embarrassing moments on a first date, but we think it’s really cool to be yourself. When we allow ourselves to be seen (and another person digs what they see), it’s truly one of the best feelings in the world. Meanwhile, spending hours trying to craft the perfect text message or pretending to be someone you’re not is exhausting, not to mention you might wake up one day and not even recognize yourself. At the end of the day, you want to be with someone who likes you just the way you are. Oops, we just quoted a rom-com — do you know which one? All to say, be you, be free, and you’ll be much closer to finding true intimacy.
Prioritize your needs
Give yourself permission to fully soak in the blissful pleasure of romance, but take note if you stop investing your time and energy into other parts of your life. Strike a balance between dating, friendship, family, work, and self-care. Tend to the areas in your life that matter so that when you experience a challenge in one area of your life, the other areas can serve as resources for resiliency. It can be helpful to jot down a list of non-negotiables that support your health and happiness. For example, you might safeguard eight hours of sleep per night, a weekly Zoom call with your bestie, and your daily meditation practice. You can have your cake and eat it too. In fact, the best relationships are made of people who value both their independence and interdependence. So keep your hobbies, dreams, and personal goals alive and well.
Take rejection lightly
We get it. No one likes hearing the word no, but it’s important to remember that a no is more about the other person than it is about you. In the case of asking someone out, they might not be ready for another relationship, they might be dating someone else, or they might have too much on the go. When we stop making rejection personal, we open up to more opportunities. Instead of fearing that they might not say yes, waste less time wondering and ask for what you want (a first date, a partnership, or a romantic night in). Celebrate a yes and let go of a no. Meditation can help with that. And, whatever happens, don’t forget to soak up that sweet feeling of being brave and asking for what you want. This light-hearted attitude will free up all sorts of time and energy. As ice hockey legend Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So put yourself out there knowing that you’ve got the skills to take care of yourself through it all.
Recommended sessions in the Calm app to help you brave the dating world:
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
