Are you dating an alpha male? Here’s what it really means
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Most of us throw around the term "alpha male", but is it a real thing? Learn more about the characteristics, and pros and cons of dating, this dominant personality type.
The term “alpha male” probably brings to mind a confident, dominant guy who takes charge and seems to have everything under control. On the surface, these traits can seem attractive — who wouldn’t want to be with someone strong, ambitious, and assertive?
On the other hand, the idea of the alpha male is much more complicated than it seems. Viewing people through the lens of labels like “alpha” or “beta” can limit our understanding of their true character, especially when it comes to men and how they express themselves.
What is an alpha male?
The alpha male concept originally came from studies of wolves, where researchers believed one dominant male wolf led the pack. This idea was applied to humans, suggesting that some men are naturally more aggressive and assertive, which are traits supposedly associated with being a leader or “alpha.”
But, there’s a pretty big flaw with this concept. The original research on wolves has been debunked. Later studies showed that wolf packs don’t operate under a strict alpha system, but function more like a family unit, with cooperation and shared roles from all.
So, if the foundation of the alpha male idea is based on outdated and inaccurate science, does it make sense to apply this label to human behavior?
The truth is, human personalities are far more complex than simple categories like alpha or beta. These terms tend to push people—especially men—into rigid boxes, suggesting that to be successful or desirable, they need to be dominant, assertive, or even aggressive.
People are capable of showing a wide range of traits depending on the situation. Someone who might seem confident and in control at work could be more empathetic or emotionally open in personal relationships. The idea of the alpha male overlooks this, which, ultimately, reduces people (particularly men) to a stereotype.
Is the term alpha male controversial?
There’s lots of criticism around categorizing men as alpha males. And the fact that it’s based on outdated animal behavior research—and can reinforce harmful ideas about masculinity—may qualify this stereotype as controversial.
This idea of attaining the title of “alpha male” can discourage men from showing vulnerability, asking for help, or developing emotional intelligence, which are important qualities for healthy relationships and personal wellbeing.
It showcases a narrow definitions of masculinity
The alpha male label pressures men to conform to a narrow definition of masculinity, which may lead them to suppress emotions or act against their nature. This can result in stress, anxiety, and relationship issues.
Men who don’t fit the stereotypical alpha mold may feel inadequate, even though empathy, kindness, and emotional openness are important and desirable in both personal and professional life.
It promotes a false hierarchy
The term implies that being an alpha personality is superior to being a “beta” personality — or any other personality type. In reality, each person has a unique combination of traits, and labeling people can keep us from appreciating them for who they are and not who society tells them they should be.
It justifies negative behaviors
Some men may use the “alpha male” label as an excuse for negative behaviors like being controlling, aggressive, or dismissive of others’ feelings.
True strength and leadership come from empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others and not from dominating or undermining them.
6 supposed characteristics of an alpha male
While many people use the term alpha male to describe certain traits, it’s best to approach this with a healthy dose of skepticism. A few traits can’t (and shouldn’t) define a person entirely. Not everyone who’s confident or decisive fits into the alpha mold. Besides, these traits can show up in many different personality types, even ones that aren’t seen as dominant.
1. Confidence: Plenty of people, regardless of personality type, can be self-assured without fitting into the alpha stereotype. Confidence is about being comfortable with who you are, not dominating others.
2. Leadership: Great leaders come in many different forms and styles. You don’t have to be loud or dominant to be considered a great leader. Empathy, listening skills, and the ability to bring people together are just as valuable as taking charge.
3. Decisiveness: Decisiveness isn’t necessarily tied to dominance. Being able to make decisions thoughtfully and in a collaborative way can be better for both personal and professional relationships.
4. Competitiveness: Healthy competition can be motivating, but when it becomes about constantly trying to win or prove yourself, it can lead to stress and damaged relationships. Competition doesn’t always equal success.
5. Independence: Being independent isn’t about pushing others away or refusing help. True independence comes from knowing when to rely on yourself and when to seek support from others.
6. Physical presence: The idea that alpha males are physically strong or imposing is part of the stereotype, but physicality doesn’t define masculinity. Emotional strength, empathy, and kindness are equally important traits to prioritize and develop.
Pros and cons of dating an alpha male
Dating someone with traits often labeled as “alpha male” comes with both benefits and challenges, some of which may or may not work for you.
Pros
Confidence: This trait can be appealing and attractive, as most people appreciate a partner who’s comfortable in their own skin.
Leadership: These qualities can help in tough situations where someone is needed to take charge and make decisions.
Ambition: This quality can be inspiring, as it shows your partner has drive and long-term goals they’re actively pursuing.
Cons
Emotionally disconnected: A lack of emotional expression can cause issues, especially if the person feels pressure to fit the alpha stereotype. Suppressing feelings can lead to disconnection in many areas of life.
Dominance: This trait can quickly become an issue of being controlling, especially if one person feels the need to constantly lead or make decisions.
Difficulty compromising: An inability to see eye to eye may create tension over time.
How to treat an alpha male: 7 tips for dealing with dominant personalities in all parts of life
In a relationship with someone who displays traits of an alpha male, it’s important to maintain balance, communication, and empathy. Traits like confidence and leadership can be attractive, but it’s important not to let them overshadow the emotional needs of both partners. A successful relationship is based on mutual respect, not control or dominance.
Of course, everyone is more than just a set of traits, and focusing too much on labels can create unrealistic expectations or imbalances. Here are some tips for how to navigate any challenging dynamics and get back to a place of balance.
1. Set clear boundaries with your partner
Alpha males are often assertive and may take charge in many situations, but that doesn't mean your needs or boundaries should be overlooked. Whether it's about personal space, decision-making, or emotional needs, setting clear boundaries helps ensure both partners feel respected and valued. Here are six ways to set healthy relationship boundaries (and stick to them).
Establishing boundaries doesn’t have to be confrontational. Instead, they can be about creating a balanced relationship where both people feel comfortable. If your partner tends to make decisions quickly, express your desire to be part of the process. A good partner for you will value your input and collaborate with you to make decisions that benefit both of you.
💙 Get comfortable setting kind and clear limits with help from the Daily Calm’s session on Boundaries.
2. Encourage emotional openness in your relationship
The alpha male stereotype may make your partner feel pressured to always appear strong or unemotional, and this can create distance in your relationships. If your partner struggles with expressing emotions, encourage them to open up by creating a safe, non-judgmental space for sharing their feelings.
Start conversations about emotions, whether about their day, frustrations, or dreams. Remind them that being vulnerable doesn’t make them weak — it actually strengthens your bond. With patience and encouragement, they may become more comfortable expressing their emotions and relying on you for support.
Model emotional openness yourself, too. By sharing your feelings, you’re showing your partner that vulnerability is okay, and that emotional expression is healthy and encouraged. Try these five ways to practice emotional vulnerability with your partner.
💙 Practice Non-Judgment in your conversations with your partner as you discuss your feelings, listen to theirs, and support each other’s needs.
3. Avoid power struggles between the two of you
If your partner has a dominant personality, it may be easy to fall into power struggles and take a back seat. Healthy relationships aren’t about who’s in charge — they're about teamwork. Remember the wolf concept?
When disagreements come up, approach them with the goal of finding a solution that works for both of you, rather than a solution that "wins" the argument. There’s no winning, unless it’s a mutually beneficial win for the both of you.
Use phrases like, "How can we work together on this?" or "Let’s find a compromise" to shift the focus from competition to cooperation.
The most successful relationships are those where neither partner dominates the relationship and both people feel their opinions matter and decisions are made together.
💙 Learn about the art of Mindful Listening from Tamara Levitt to help cultivate kindness and compassion within your relationship.
4. Respect their independence (and respect yours too)
While spending quality time together is important, people with alpha male traits often value their independence.
Ensure your need for independence is respected, too. Communicate to your partner when you need time for yourself — whether to focus on hobbies, friends, or to recharge.
Respecting each other’s independence helps build trust and helps prevent feelings of suffocation or dependency. When both partners can be themselves while supporting each other, the relationship can become stronger and more resilient.
💙 Take time for yourself (and encourage your partner to do the same) with Jeff Warren’s Permission to Be, whether that’s be still, be with friends, or anything in-between.
5. Challenge them in a healthy, supportive way
Alpha males often thrive on challenges and appreciate partners who provide new perspectives or stand their ground. If you disagree or have a different viewpoint, express it thoughtfully rather than confrontationally.
For example, frame your perspective to encourage discussion. Say something like, "I see where you’re coming from, but I think there’s another way to look at it. What do you think about…?" This encourages a healthy exchange of ideas without turning the conversation into a conflict. It can lead to deeper understanding and growth in the relationship.
💙 Learn how to truly support your partner as they overcome challenges during this session on Supporting Struggle.
6. Appreciate their strengths, and value your own
It’s easy to admire the confidence, decisiveness, and leadership often associated with alpha males, but it's equally important to recognize your own strengths in a relationship. A healthy partnership is built on mutual respect, not putting one person on a pedestal.
Celebrate your partner’s positive traits, but don’t let that overshadow your own. Confidence, empathy, emotional intelligence, and the ability to listen are just as vital as leadership. Be proud of what you have to offer and ensure your contributions are acknowledged.
💙 Discover the importance of a Self-Nurturing practice during this session from the Relationship with Self series.
7. Communicate openly and honestly with each other — no matter what
Clear, honest communication is important in any relationship, especially when dating someone with strong personality traits. Alpha males often take the lead, but that doesn't mean they should always have the final say.
If you feel the relationship balance is off—whether in decision-making, emotional connection, or independence—speak up. Your partner may not realize something is bothering you, so be direct to help avoid misunderstandings. Try these seven tips to communicate your needs in a relationship.
Focus on finding solutions rather than blaming. Use "I" statements, like "I feel my input isn’t always considered in decisions, and I’d like to be more involved." This helps keep the conversation calm and productive, encouraging your partner to listen without feeling defensive.
💙 Learn how to practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships with Tamara Levitt.
Alpha male FAQs
What qualifies someone as an alpha male?
Traditionally, an alpha male is seen as someone with strong leadership qualities who’s confident, assertive, and often takes charge. They’re often described as ambitious, independent, and competitive.
However, this concept is based on outdated and oversimplified views of human behavior. In reality, people have a mix of traits that don’t fit neatly into a category. Labeling someone as an alpha male can limit our perspective and overlook important qualities like empathy and emotional intelligence.
Instead of focusing on whether someone’s an alpha male, think about their unique blend of traits.
Importantly, these characteristics aren’t exclusive to men. Leadership, confidence, and independence can be found across all genders.
Stereotypically, what are the downsides of being in a relationship with an alpha male — and how can you prevent this?
One common challenge of dating someone with alpha traits can be their struggle with emotional openness. If they believe they must always be strong and independent, they may find it hard to express vulnerability or share their feelings, creating emotional distance in the relationship and making deeper connections difficult.
Another downside is that alpha males may dominate decision-making. While having a decisive partner can be reassuring, it’s important for both partners to feel they have a say. If one person’s always in control, it can cause frustration and imbalance.
To prevent these issues, encourage your partner to open up emotionally by creating a supportive space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Remind them that vulnerability isn’t weakness. In decision-making, assert your needs and ensure you’re both involved in choices that impact the relationship. This can help you maintain a balanced and healthy dynamic.
Can men who are labeled as alpha males change their behavior to be more emotionally expressive?
Men labeled as alpha males can become more emotionally expressive, but it often takes time, support, and a willingness to explore different aspects of themselves.
The alpha male stereotype pressures men to hide their emotions and project a tough, independent image. However, emotional expression is a skill that can be developed with the right environment. Many men need reassurance that showing vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles to express emotions, start by reassuring them that sharing is valuable in your relationship. As they become more comfortable with vulnerability, they can learn to express themselves more fully. Model this behavior by being open about your own feelings, too.
In internet culture, how do alpha males differ from beta males?
In internet culture, the terms “alpha” and “beta” males have taken on exaggerated meanings that often stray from reality.
Alpha male: This type is typically described as dominant, assertive, and a natural leader — someone successful, competitive, and confident.
Beta male: This type is often viewed as passive or reserved and may unfairly be labeled as less successful or desirable.
However, these internet labels are overly simplistic and don’t accurately reflect human behavior. People are more nuanced, and reducing someone to a label overlooks the complexity of individual personalities.
Try to move beyond these stereotypes and understand people as unique individuals with their own strengths, weaknesses, and emotional depth.
If two people are labeled as alphas, is it possible for them to have a successful relationship?
Two people with “alpha” traits can have a successful relationship, but like any partnership, it requires effort, communication, and compromise. If both partners are used to being in control, it can lead to power struggles. But, this doesn’t mean the relationship’s doomed. When both partners respect each other’s strengths and work as a team, it can bring a fulfilling, empowering and balanced relationship.
Focus on collaboration, not competition, where both partners recognize that a healthy relationship is built on equal footing, with each person’s opinions and needs being valued.
Address potential challenges—like disagreements over decision-making—and find ways to share leadership with open communication and a willingness to listen to each other’s perspectives.
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