Do couples really fight more during the holidays?
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
If you and your partner are at each other's throats during the holidays, you're not alone. Explore the 6 most common arguments couples have and how to avoid falling into them.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year — or so the song tells us. But let’s be honest, the holidays can also be the most stressful season, too. Between decorating the house, finding the perfect gifts, juggling holiday parties, and meeting family expectations, it’s no surprise that tension (and tempers) can run high. Add in financial pressures from gift-giving, travel headaches, or last-minute changes in plans, and even the strongest, most secure couples can find themselves snapping at each other.
Lots of couples struggle during this busy season, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing if you’re one of them. It’s simply a sign of how much pressure the holidays can put on all of us. When we’re stretched thin, it’s easy for small disagreements to turn into bigger fights that snowball out of control.
So, why do couples tend to fight more during the holidays? Let’s look at the most common arguments that pop up, and practical strategies to help you both get through the season feeling more connected. Because with a little planning and understanding, you can turn holiday stress into an opportunity to strengthen your bond with your partner and cherish the season to the fullest.
Do couples fight more during the holidays?
It’s not just you and your partner — many couples really do find themselves arguing more during the holiday season. This time of year comes with a mix of joy, busyness, and stress that can challenge even the happiest relationships. On the one hand, the holidays are meant to be a time of celebration and connection, but they also bring a pile of responsibilities and expectations that can push you to the limit.
Research has shown that heightened stress levels can negatively affect how couples communicate. Stress can increase irritability, reduce patience, and make it harder for couples to navigate conflict calmly.
The holiday season can also intensify challenges that couples already face, such as financial pressures, packed schedules, and tricky family dynamics. You might disagree on how much to spend on gifts, feel torn about where to go for the holidays, or even argue about how to decorate the tree. Some of these challenges might sound easy to resolve or overcome, but when you’ve got so much on your plate all at once—and you’re trying to live up to the image of the “perfect” holiday you see in the ads—it can be much harder than it looks.
So, if communication is a weak spot for you and your partner already, the added stress of holiday planning might make it even harder to stay on the same page.
6 most common arguments couples have during the holidays
The movies tell us that holidays are supposed to be about joy, love, and togetherness. But, in reality, the stress, high expectations, and packed schedules can mean arguments happen more easily for many couples.
Here are some of the most common topics couples find themselves clashing over during the holiday season, and why they can be so tricky to navigate.
1. The pressure of navigating family dynamics and obligations
One of the biggest sources of holiday tension is deciding how to spend quality time with each side of the family. Who are you spending Christmas with this year? Are you visiting both families in one day? Taking turns every other year? It’s not always easy to split time equally between both sides, and, even if you try, someone might feel disappointed.
Add challenging family dynamics into the mix, like tension with an in-law, or struggles with being around certain relatives, and this can lead to arguments about how much time to spend with family — or whether to see them at all.
2. Financial stress caused by gifting, traveling, or hosting
Money worries can trigger arguments all year long, but during the holidays, it can feel especially intense. The costs can add up quickly, and couples often argue about how much to spend, whether to stick to a budget, or what expenses to prioritize.
If one partner wants to buy expensive gifts, but the other prefers to keep things low-cost, the differing perspectives can cause frustration or guilt, especially if financial struggles are already a concern.
💙 Learn how to get more clarity on your Financial Intentions during this talk with personal finance expert Suze Orman.
3. Having unrealistic expectations or not being on the same page
We all want the holidays to be special, but the pressure to create the “perfect” celebration—complete with beautiful decorations, gourmet meals, and joyful family moments—can leave couples feeling totally overwhelmed.
When things inevitably don’t go as planned, you can experience something called an “expectation hangover.” And it’s easy to take out those feelings on each other. Maybe the turkey gets burned or a family member cancels at the last minute. These small disappointments can quickly spiral into bigger arguments, especially if one or both partners feel like their efforts aren’t being appreciated.
4. Busy schedules and lack of time together
All the extra shopping, holiday parties, and family commitments that pile up on top of the obligations of everyday life can make the season fly by, and many couples find it difficult to make time to relax or connect with each other. And that can lead to feelings of neglect or resentment.
If one partner is busy coordinating family plans while the other is focused on work deadlines, it can feel like you’re operating on completely different wavelengths. This can all add up to make minor irritations feel much bigger than they really are.
5. Differing parenting styles
If you have kids, the holidays add another layer of complexity. Disagreements about parenting styles often come up, especially when it comes to things like gift-giving, sweet treats, discipline, or which traditions to follow.
One parent might want to go all-out with presents, while the other prefers a more modest approach. Or maybe you disagree on how to handle a child’s behavior during family gatherings or if they really should have another cookie before dinner. These differences can create tension, especially when you’re also trying to make the holidays feel magical for your children.
6. Old resentments resurfacing
Whether it’s a past argument that hasn’t been fully worked through or lingering feelings about family dynamics, being in close quarters or dealing with stressful situations can bring those emotions bubbling back to the surface.
If one partner has a history of not pitching in with preparations, it can be easy to feel resentful when the same pattern repeats itself on a big occasion like the holidays. These old wounds can fuel arguments that feel bigger than the issue at hand. (Struggling to let go of old resentments? Here are 8 ways to practice forgiveness.)
How to avoid fighting more during the holidays: 8 mindful tips for couples
If you’re worried that the stress or overwhelm will bring more arguments over the holidays, there are simple steps you can take as a couple to minimize conflict and strengthen your connection so you feel more like a team. These tips are designed to help you both feel more supported, understood, and aligned during the busy holiday season, so you can handle whatever the holidays throw your way — and maybe even come out stronger on the other side.
1. Plan the celebrations and the practical stuff ahead to avoid last-minute stress
A lot of holiday arguments happen because you haven’t planned things out clearly. So sit down together early in the season to talk about your priorities, schedules, and expectations. Discuss things like which family gatherings to attend, how much time (and money) to set aside for holiday shopping, and who will handle particular tasks like decorating or cooking.
When you’re both on the same page, it’s easier to avoid last-minute surprises or misunderstandings. Plus, having a clear plan gives you a sense of control, which can help reduce stress. If you need to adjust plans later, do it as a team so no one feels left out of the decision-making.
2. Set a realistic budget for the season, and stick to it
Money is one of the biggest stressors during the holidays, so take some time to talk openly about finances. Decide together how much you can afford to spend on gifts, travel, and other holiday expenses. Once you’ve set a budget, stick to it — even if temptations arise.
If one of you tends to be more budget-conscious than the other, approach the conversation with empathy. Instead of blaming or criticizing, explain why sticking to a spend limit matters to you most. You could say, “I want us to enjoy the holidays without worrying about money afterward.” You can also brainstorm low-cost ways to make the holiday season magical, so you can enjoy the celebrations without breaking the bank. If you need more support, check out these 10 tips to help you bring mindful spending into your life.
3. Communicate openly and often with your partner
Throughout the holiday season, check in with each other regularly. Ask how your partner is feeling and share your own thoughts honestly but kindly. Good communication is your best tool for avoiding misunderstandings and solving problems.
When conflicts arise, focus on expressing your feelings with “I” statements instead of placing blame. Instead of saying, “You’re not helping with anything,” try, “I feel overwhelmed and could use some extra help.” This approach means your partner is less likely to feel defensive and makes it easier for you to work together on a solution.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships with guidance from Tamara Levitt’s Love and Relationships series.
4. Carve out time for just the two of you during the holiday
In the midst of the holiday chaos, it’s easy to lose sight of each other. Make it a priority to spend quality time together, even if it’s just for an hour or two, so you feel more connected.
Plan a low-key date night, take a walk to look at holiday lights, or enjoy a quiet evening at home watching your favorite holiday movie. This intentional connection can help you remember why you make such a great team and help you face holiday stress together. Enhance your time together by asking one (or more) of these 30 questions to get to know someone more deeply.
5. Practice empathy and patience toward your partner
The holidays can be tough on everyone, so try to approach your partner with understanding and kindness. If they’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or irritable, take a moment to consider what might be causing it, rather than reacting impulsively to what they said or did. Maybe they’re feeling pressure from work, struggling with family dynamics, or they’re just plain exhausted?
Having empathy can mean that instead of jumping into an argument, you can offer them your support. Try saying, “I can see you’re feeling really stressed. How can I help?” Small gestures like this show that you’re on the same team, even when things are tough.
6. Be flexible and let go of the idea of perfection
Things don’t always go as planned, and that’s okay. The dog might steal the turkey off the kitchen table, the gift you ordered might arrive late, or a family gathering might turn into a nightmare of competing personalities. Instead of letting these hiccups ruin your mood, try to laugh them off and focus on the bigger picture.
When you stop worrying about whether everything looks social media worthy, you can enjoy the small, imperfect moments that make the holidays special, which can be so freeing! Remind yourself and your partner that it’s okay if everything isn’t perfect — what matters is spending time together. (We know it’s easier said than done so here are six tips to help you let go of perfectionism.)
7. Set boundaries and manage expectations with family
If family dynamics commonly bring tension to your relationship, set clear boundaries together before the holidays. Talk about how much time you’re comfortable spending with relatives and how you’ll handle challenging situations, like unwanted advice or heated political discussions.
Limit family visits to a few hours, or agree on signals to use if either of you needs a break. When you have a plan in place, you’ll feel more in control and less anxious about difficult family interactions.
💙 Learn how to set stronger boundaries through Making Clearer Requests with help from Jay Shetty.
8. Focus on gratitude and the positives
The holidays can be stressful, but they also offer plenty of opportunities to celebrate what you’re grateful for. Turn your attention toward the quiet moments together, the thoughtful gifts you exchanged, or sharing a laugh during a hectic day.
Expressing gratitude to each other can make a big difference too. A simple “Thank you for handling the shopping” or “I’m so glad we’re doing this together” can go a long way in strengthening your bond and keeping the mood light.
Do couples fight more during the holidays FAQs
What are the main reasons couples fight more during the holidays?
Couples fight more during the holidays for a variety of reasons, most of which boil down to stress and high expectations. The holiday season is packed with obligations like buying gifts, going to parties and events, hosting or traveling, and managing family gatherings. All of these can be stressful enough on their own, but when they’re combined, plus financial pressures or busy schedules thrown in, it’s easier to snap at each other or miscommunicate.
Another common cause is differing expectations. One partner’s vision of the “perfect” holiday, complete with specific traditions or plans, might be completely different to the other’s laid-back idea of what the season should look like. These differences can lead to disappointment and frustration if they’re not communicated clearly.
Family dynamics can also affect the mood, as spending time with extended family often brings up unresolved conflicts or the stress of trying to please everyone.
How can couples manage holiday stress together?
Managing holiday stress as a couple starts with clear communication and realistic planning. Here’s how to do it and keep the disagreements to a minimum:
Take time early in the season to sit down together and talk about your priorities.
Decide what’s truly important to each of you and make a plan that balances both partners’ needs. If one of you values spending lots of time with family and the other wants quieter downtime, you both deserve to have your needs met. Here are seven tips to help you communicate those needs to your partner.
Support each other emotionally — if your partner is feeling overwhelmed, step in to help or simply acknowledge their feelings with understanding.
Set aside time to connect with each other, even if it’s just 20 minutes to chat or relax over coffee. This can help you recharge as a couple and make the rest of the holiday season feel more manageable.
Let go of the need for perfection and focus on what truly matters — whether that’s enjoying time with loved ones, creating new memories, or simply getting through the season with your sanity intact.
What are effective communication strategies for couples during the holidays?
If you find that the stress of the holidays puts a strain on your communication as a couple during this season, it's time to look at some strategies for staying open, honest, and patient with each other.
Start by expressing your feelings and needs clearly using “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never help with the shopping,” try, “I feel overwhelmed and could use some help with picking out gifts.” This shifts the focus away from blame and encourages teamwork.
Make sure to really listen to each other. If your partner is sharing their feelings, try to hear them without interrupting or jumping to solutions right away. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard and understood.
Reflect back what they’ve said. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re really worried about the budget,” to show you’re paying attention and on their side.
When conflicts arise, take a step back if emotions are running high. It’s okay to pause and revisit the conversation when you’re both calmer.
Check in regularly throughout the season to make sure you’re both on the same page about plans, expectations, or any last minute changes that come up.
How can couples navigate disagreements over holiday traditions?
One partner might cherish a specific tradition from their childhood while the other might prefer creating new traditions as a couple. If you've got different backgrounds or expectations, it can bring disagreements if you're not careful.
The key is to communicate clearly and approach these conversations with an open mind and a willingness to compromise.
Start by talking about what each tradition means to you. Sharing the emotional or nostalgic reasons behind a tradition can help your partner understand why it’s important, and maybe even help them embrace it! Then, look for ways to blend your traditions or alternate between them. So you could spend one year following your family’s customs and the next creating something new together. Or, you might find a way to bring elements of both into your celebrations.
If one tradition just doesn’t resonate with your partner, try to be willing to let it go or adapt it. What matters most is creating a holiday experience that feels meaningful and joyful for both of you. The holidays are a chance to build your own shared story as a couple, so focus on what brings you closer.
What role do family dynamics play in holiday conflicts between partners?
Family dynamics are often at the heart of holiday stress. For many couples, the season means navigating relationships with in-laws, balancing time between different sides of families, and managing expectations from relatives. These situations can be tricky, especially if there are longstanding tensions, or if one partner feels like their family is being prioritized over the other’s. It’s important to find a balance that works for both of you.
In-law relationships can be a particularly sensitive issue, especially if the relationship is strained. One partner might feel uncomfortable around their in-laws if there have been disagreements or personality clashes in the past, which might be because of differing values or a simple lack of connection. This can lead to disagreements about how much time to spend with family or how to handle tricky conversations.
It’s difficult, but it’s important to have honest, respectful conversations about these feelings with your partner. Agree on boundaries together, such as how long to stay at a family gathering or what topics to avoid during dinner.
Relatives can put pressure on you as a couple, too — family members might expect you to attend every event or follow their traditions, which can leave you and your partner feeling stretched thin, or a little resentful. When this happens, your best strategy is to present a united front. Decide together what you’re comfortable committing to, and support each other in sticking to those boundaries (here are eight tips to help). Let family members know your plans calmly and confidently, and remind yourselves that it’s okay to prioritize your wellbeing as a couple.
By supporting each other and staying aligned as a team, you can navigate even the trickiest family dynamics with more ease this holiday.
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