What is emotional labor? Plus, 8 examples at home and at work
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what emotional labor is, examples of it at home and at work, and how it might affect your relationships. Plus, 5 ways to use mindfulness for emotional labor.
Have you ever felt exhausted after listening to a friend complain about a coworker? Or just needed a few minutes to yourself after refereeing a fight between your kids? That feeling of being overly tired and emotionally depleted is emotional labor at work. The mostly invisible task of managing our emotions as well as the feelings of those around us can have a big impact on our overall energy.
Emotional labor is common, and it’s likely you do it most places you go, like at home, in the office, and even while hanging out with your best friends. Think about all the times you’ve had to keep calm during a tense meeting, console a friend who’s going through a bad breakup, or simply ensure that the people around you feel comfortable. This type of emotional work plays a major role in our everyday lives and our wellbeing. When you’re always making sure everyone else is doing well, it’s easy to forget to check in with yourself and ask, “Am I okay?”
What is emotional labor?
Emotional labor refers to the effort it takes to manage your own emotions while considering the feelings of others at the same time. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild first introduced the concept in 1983, mainly in the context of jobs with an emotional component, like customer service, nursing, or teaching. But the reality is, emotional labor plays a big role in our personal lives too.
At home, emotional labor can involve tasks like being the one who always remembers to send birthday cards, comforting a family member who’s had a bad day, or keeping track of everyone’s schedules. When this work is shared equally, it can help create strong, healthy relationships. But when one person is doing most of the work by managing everything and still being there for everyone emotionally, it can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and imbalance.
Inside the gender imbalance of emotional labor
Studies show that women bear more emotional labor at home and at work, which contributes to gender imbalances. In the workplace, research shows that women are often more attentive to the emotional needs of others, which can actually make it harder to earn promotions and only reinforces the wage gap. Lower-paying caregiving roles, such as teaching, are often female-dominated, and women are also more likely than men to leave the workforce altogether to stay home and care for their children.
At home, women often handle a larger share of unpaid labor, such as childcare and household chores, even when both partners work. This is known as “double burden,” and can lead to stress and burnout.
8 examples of emotional labor at work and home
Emotional labor can be tough to recognize because it often involves things we do automatically without thinking about how much effort they require. Whether at work or at home, emotional labor is the invisible glue that holds relationships together, and it can manifest in many ways and in many environments.
Emotional labor at work
Managing difficult customers: Handling customer or client complaints while staying polite is a form of emotional labor.
Keeping team morale high: Encouraging coworkers to do their best, even when you’re stressed yourself, can lead to emotional burnout, because you may be filling other people’s cup while yours remains empty.
Resolving conflicts: Stepping in to resolve arguments between colleagues, whether in meetings or during a company lunch, can become exhausting and emotionally draining.
Supporting a coworker’s emotional needs: Offering a listening ear or giving advice, even when it’s not in your job description, is a sign your working emotional overtime.
Emotional labor at home
Maintaining family harmony: Being the peacemaker during family disagreements, which may more often fall on the mom, can lead to feeling emotionally depleted.
Remembering and acknowledging special occasions: Making sure birthdays and anniversaries are celebrated is a job in and of itself, and when you’re the sole person responsible for this, it can feel like too much.
Taking on the emotional burden of childcare: Comforting children after a tough day, managing their moods, and addressing their fears requires intense emotional support that can lead to exhaustion.
Being the go-to person for venting: Always being the one who listens to everyone else’s problems without getting the same support in return can lead to emotional burnout and even resentment.
How can emotional labor affect relationships?
When emotional labor isn’t fairly managed in a relationship, it can lead to exhaustion and feelings of resentment. If one partner is constantly managing the emotional needs of everyone in the household—keeping track of birthday party invitations, putting the kids to sleep at night (but not before checking under the bed for monsters), and remembering everyone’s doctor’s appointments and weekend commitments—it can lead to an imbalance in the relationship. Over time, this can cause stress and frustration, especially if the labor isn’t acknowledged or appreciated.
If you’re the one who decides what the family eats for dinner every night, and then your partner complains that you’re having “spaghetti again?!” you’ll probably get angry and feel taken for granted. These types of interactions can lead to arguments and even create distance between partners. It’s important for both parties to recognize and share emotional labor more equally to maintain a healthy relationship.
How can partners share emotional labor more equitably in relationships?
Sharing emotional labor more equally in a relationship starts with open and honest communication. It’s important to talk with your partner about the emotional tasks each of you handles and how they make you feel. Here are seven tips for how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
A good approach is to start by listing the emotional tasks you both do. If someone feels like they’re doing more than their fair share, discuss ways to make these tasks feel more balanced. This might involve taking turns handling certain responsibilities or simply being more aware of when one partner needs a break. Remember, the goal is to create a partnership where both of you feel supported and appreciated. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
How to use mindfulness for emotional labor: 5 tips to support you at home and at work
When you feel emotionally exhausted, mindfulness can be a powerful tool in helping manage the demands of emotional labor. By practicing mindfulness, you can learn to stay grounded, reduce stress, and maintain your well-being. Here are a few ways to mindfully manage emotional labor.
1. Practice self-awareness so you know where you stand
Regularly checking in with yourself to understand how you’re feeling and why is the foundation of mindfulness. Every day, take a few minutes to pause and reflect on your emotions. Are you stressed, overwhelmed, or drained? If you’re feeling a certain way, try asking yourself, “What do I need to feel better?” By being mindful and aware of your emotional state, you can make more informed decisions about how to handle emotional labor and when to ask for help.
💙 Try this short Emotions Check-in practice to help you reflect on how you’re feeling each day.
2. Set clear boundaries with yourself and others
It can be hard to say no, especially when you want to help people. Even still, it’s important to recognize your limits and set boundaries to protect your mental health. Mindfulness can help you become more in tune with your needs, which can make it easier to say no when you’ve hit your limit. If that makes you uncomfortable, you can also try giving some of your emotional labor to others, such as suggesting that an angry coworker vent their frustrations to someone else.
💙 Follow along with Tamara Levitt as she guides you through a meditation on setting Boundaries, which can help you say no to what doesn’t serve you.
3. Take breaks and recharge whenever you need to
Emotional labor can be exhausting and all-consuming, so it’s especially important you’re able to recognize when you need to step back and rest. Whether it’s taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, or simply sitting quietly for a few minutes, these small breaks can make a big difference in how you manage stress. At work, try to scatter short mindfulness breaks throughout the day, and at home, create a routine that allows you to unwind.
💙 Start with short breaks, like Chibs Okereke’s One-Minute Reset breathing meditation, as you become used to giving yourself time to recharge.
4. Use mindfulness techniques to manage stress
When emotional labor becomes overwhelming, mindfulness techniques like meditation, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation may help you manage stress. These practices allow you to focus on the present moment, reduce anxiety, and help you stay calm under pressure. For example, if you’re feeling tense after a difficult conversation, try a few minutes of deep breathing to center yourself. Or, if you’re feeling emotionally drained after a long day, spend some time meditating to release the stress and clear your mind.
💙 Explore how to manage stress with Jay Shetty’s Reset With the Breath technique.
5. Seek support when you need it
Part of practicing mindfulness also involves recognizing when you need help. Remember that you don’t have to carry the burden of emotional labor alone. Talk to your partner, friends, or a therapist about your emotional labor and how it affects you. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings can lighten the load and provide a sense of relief.
💙 Learn how to practice Deeper Communication with your support system with guidance from the Daily Jay.
Emotional labor FAQs
What does it mean to do emotional labor?
Doing emotional labor means putting in the effort to manage both your own emotions and the feelings of others. Emotional labor is often invisible because it doesn’t involve physical tasks, but it’s just as important for maintaining healthy relationships and environments. You might spend time thinking about how to cheer someone up, remembering important dates, or smoothing over conflicts between friends. Think of emotional labor as the behind-the-scenes work that ensures everyone around you feels supported and cared for, even if it sometimes means putting your own needs aside.
What are the signs that someone is struggling with emotional labor?
When someone is struggling with emotional labor, there are often clear signs, even if they’re not always easy to spot at first. These might include:
Physical and emotional exhaustion
Increased irritability and feelings of frustration
A building sense of resentment
Withdrawal from social interactions or activities you once enjoyed
These signs suggest that you’re carrying too much emotional weight and could benefit from reassessing how emotional labor is distributed in your life.
How does emotional labor affect the body?
When you’re emotionally stressed, your body responds as if you’re under physical stress. This can result in a range of physical symptoms, from tension in your shoulders and neck to more serious issues like digestive problems or trouble sleeping. Over time, the stress of emotional labor can also weaken your immune system, making you more likely to get sick. If you find that you’re often feeling physically drained after dealing with emotional situations, it could be a sign that emotional labor is taking a toll on your body.
Can emotional labor lead to long-term health issues?
Yes, emotional labor can contribute to long-term health issues if it’s not managed properly. When you’re constantly managing emotions—both your own and others’—it can lead to chronic stress, which can increase your risk of anxiety, depression, and heart disease. It can also lead to burnout, which is an extreme state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. Here are 22 signs you may be facing burnout, and how you can recover.
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