8 signs your parents were emotionally immature (and how to heal)

Relationships

Sep 12

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can have a big impact in adulthood. Learn how to spot the signs, and explore 10 tips to set boundaries, cope, and heal.

When you were a child, you likely weren’t aware of your parents' emotional maturity — or lack thereof. Maybe you did know, however, that crying got you in trouble, your parents’ moods dictated the temperature of the house, or that keeping quiet meant keeping the peace. And, as a kid, you might assume this is normal. As an adult, you may have come to realize that it’s not normal at all.

Many people with emotionally immature parents spend years wondering what they did wrong or trying to earn a kind of love that always felt just out of reach. These types of parents might not have been cruel or absent. They might have insisted they loved you, but their inability to regulate emotions, respect boundaries, or respond to your needs can leave lasting marks.

This experience can be especially difficult if no one has ever named this reality or validated your feelings. So let’s explore what emotional immaturity in parents or guardians looks like, how it can shape your life after childhood, and what healing might look like on your terms.

What are emotionally immature parents?

Emotionally immature parents typically lack the awareness, self-regulation, and interpersonal skills that support a child’s psychological development. Often, they operate from a place of emotional underdevelopment because of unresolved trauma or unmet needs.

Usually, these parents have trouble navigating discomfort and seeing things from another perspective. Plus, when conflict arises, they tend to react rather than reflect. They can shut down, lash out, or become overwhelmed. They may even lack the capacity to respond with empathy or accountability.

The tricky part about having an emotionally immature parent is that it can be subtle. You may have grown up with material stability—like always having a place to call home or never going to school without supplies—but if your relationship felt one-sided or emotionally unpredictable, this could indicate that emotional immaturity was at play.

8 signs of emotionally immature parents

When parents lack maturity, it can leave you feeling unsupported, unseen, and maybe even emotionally overextended. Here are eight other common signs your parent might be emotionally immature:

1. They made their feelings your responsibility: You were expected to cheer up and accommodate their emotions, even as a kid.

2. They couldn’t handle your emotions: If you cried, got angry, or expressed a need, they dismissed or scolded you for it.

3. They reacted dramatically to small things: A forgotten chore or spilled drink led to yelling, guilt trips, or days of silence.

4. They blurred or ignored boundaries: They overshared about their personal life or struggled to respect your privacy and autonomy.

5. They avoided taking responsibility: When conflict arose, they were quick to deny, deflect, or blame others.

6. They wanted credit for basic parenting: Meeting your basic needs was framed as a favor or sacrifice, rather than a fundamental part of their role.

7. They performed for others: In public, they might have seemed warm, supportive, and even fun. But at home, they felt emotionally distant and cold.

8. They dismissed or rewrote your experiences: When you tried to name your feelings, they told you that you were being too sensitive. This emotional gaslighting can then make it hard to trust yourself.

How emotionally immature parents can affect you as an adult

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can shape the way kids relate to themselves and others well into adulthood.

If you experienced emotional immaturity in your parents, you might find that you’re hyper-aware of other people’s feelings while also disconnected from your own. It’s also not uncommon to anticipate others’ needs automatically, but feel unsure or even guilty about voicing yours.

Another hardship can be emotional intimacy. To you, it may feel unsafe because you’re constantly preparing to be rejected or afraid that conflict will come the minute you let your guard down.

Here are five other typical long-term impacts:

Over-functioning in relationships: You take on more than your emotional or mental share because that’s how you learned to feel valued or stay connected.
Chronic self-doubt or shame: You question your worth and your decisions, especially when you try to set limits or prioritize your own wellbeing.
Emotional numbness or disconnection: You struggle to identify what you’re feeling, or you default to logical problem-solving as a way to avoid discomfort.
Patterned attachment to emotionally unavailable people: You’re drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even if they repeat the same dynamics that hurt you before.
Difficulty trusting stability: Even when things are calm, you brace for disruption. Predictability can feel suspicious to you, and peace may feel temporary.

10 tips to start healing from emotionally immature parents

Healing from emotionally immature parenting is a slow, nonlinear process that takes time. Every person is going to deal with this experience in their own way, so be patient with yourself as you go on this journey. Here are 10 tips to help you get started.

1. Name what happened to you as a child

Gently acknowledging the reality of your experience and validating your own story is a crucial part of the healing process that can bring you clarity.

You might say out loud or write in your journal a truth you experienced, like “My emotional needs weren’t met,” or “I was expected to manage their feelings.”

2. Put a pin in trying to get closure from your parent

Many adult children continue to return to the source, hoping for a genuine apology or a change in behavior. And sometimes that happens, but often it doesn’t. Typically, emotionally immature parents deflect, deny, and double down. Expecting them to be different can reopen old wounds.

Instead, focus on the closure you can give yourself by seeking out a therapist or talking to a trusted friend. They can help you grieve what you didn’t get, and also begin building a different future.

3. Set boundaries that protect your energy

Put up clear boundaries that show what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t. Also, as a reminder, you don’t need to explain or even justify every boundary. Your peace is reason enough.

You might do this by saying something like, “Let’s change the subject,” or “I’m going to take a break from this conversation and call you back later.”

💙 Learn how to give yourself some peace during this session on Boundaries with Tamara Levitt.

4. Expect to feel guilt

If you’ve been conditioned to prioritize your parents’ emotions, setting boundaries or saying no may feel weird. But this isn’t a sign you’re doing anything wrong. It’s a sign you’re doing something new.

When this guilt comes up, all you need to do is notice it, name it, and then keep going.

5. Reconnect with your own emotional world

Emotionally immature households often teach kids to shut down, suppress, and second-guess their feelings.

To help you heal and rebuild your emotional intuition, ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “Where do I feel it in my body?” and even “What might this feeling be trying to tell me?”

6. Allow yourself to grieve

Let yourself feel the loss of the relationship that never fully existed and mourn the version of your parent that you hoped for but didn’t have.

You might try writing a letter to your younger self or to the parent you needed. You could also cry, punch a pillow, or spill all your anger into a journal.

💙 Support yourself through loss by listening to Lama Rod Owens’ series on Caring For Your Grief.

7. Learn to reparent yourself

Offer yourself the kind of support, validation, and structure you didn’t get as a child — also known as reparenting.

You could practice by speaking to yourself with warmth instead of judgment, keeping promises to yourself, or giving yourself comfort when you’re scared or sad, instead of criticism.

8. Separate the past from the present

Sometimes a comment from a partner or coworker can trigger an outsized reaction, because it echoes something from childhood.

When this happens, ask yourself helpful questions like, “Is this about now, or about then?” and “Am I responding to the current moment or to an old emotional wound?” By doing this, you create a little space to respond rather than react.

9. Invest in therapy

Working with a trauma-informed therapist, especially someone who understands family systems or attachment wounds, can offer support that friends and books may not be able to. Plus, it can be a powerful way to process pain and practice habits and patterns.

10. Be patient with yourself

Healing means noticing when you get triggered or hurt, and then responding with more choice and awareness. But this isn’t always easy, and no one is perfect.

So, be kind to yourself along this journey, as the progress isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong. Others, you’ll feel like a child again, and that’s more than okay.

Emotionally immature parents FAQs

What are the common signs of emotionally immature parents?

Emotionally immature parents typically struggle with self-regulation, empathy, and boundaries. They also tend to be quick to anger or tears but resistant to reflection or accountability.

Other common behaviors are gaslighting, guilt-tripping, oversharing, and invalidating your feelings. It’s also not uncommon for them to take criticism personally and to center themselves in every conversation.

Can emotionally immature parents change?

It is possible to change, but only if the parent acknowledges their own emotional limitations and actively chooses to grow. Many times, it requires therapy, humility, and a willingness to be uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, many emotionally immature parents lack the self-awareness or motivation to pursue this kind of work. Some parents may soften with time or after facing significant life events, but it’s also common for them to remain emotionally stuck.

How can I set boundaries with an emotionally immature parent?

A good way to set boundaries is to start with clarity on what does and doesn’t work for you. Then practice small, firm, and consistent boundaries. This might mean limiting calls to a certain time, steering conversations away from certain topics, or ending visits early if they become emotionally overwhelming.

Keep in mind that emotionally immature parents might respond with guilt or anger, so stay grounded in your intention. Remind yourself that you’re not trying to punish them, you’re protecting your peace.

What does it mean to be parentified by emotionally immature parents?

Parentification happens when a child is placed in the role of emotional or practical caregiver to their parent. Instead of receiving age-appropriate support, you were expected to provide it. Many times, this involves comforting a parent through their own distress and mediating adult conflicts.

This role reversal can then lead to deep-rooted patterns of over-responsibility, emotional suppression, and difficulty trusting others to care for you.

What’s the link between emotional immaturity and attachment styles?

Emotionally immature parenting can often lead to insecure attachment styles. If your parent was inconsistent with their love, you may have developed an anxious attachment style, always anticipating abandonment or rejection.

On the other hand, if they were emotionally overwhelming or dismissive, you might lean toward avoidant attachment, suppressing your needs and staying hyper-independent.

Some people experience both, leading to a disorganized style marked by push-pull dynamics in relationships. However, it’s important to note that these attachment patterns aren’t fixed. With awareness and consistent emotional safety, they can indeed shift over time.

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Calm Editorial Team