How to handle an emotionally unavailable partner
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Does your partner seem distant? Does something feel off even when they say everything is fine? Learn the 7 signs of emotional unavailability and how to navigate it.
Being in a relationship with someone who struggles to express themselves or connect with their emotions can be really confusing and frustrating. You might feel like you're putting in all the effort while they keep you at arm's length. Over time, this could leave you feeling alone, even when you're in the same room.
A lack of emotional availability often stems from past experiences or fears that may not have anything to do with you, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Whether you want to support your partner, work on improving communication, or simply understand what’s going on, there are ways to better understand this type of emotional struggle.
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Being emotionally unavailable means someone struggles to connect with their own feelings and, as a result, with the emotions of others. They may avoid deep conversations, seem detached, or pull away when things get emotionally intense. It’s not that they don’t care — they just find it hard to express or process feelings in a healthy way.
Some people are afraid of being vulnerable, getting hurt, or feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Others may have learned to shut down emotionally due to past experiences, like growing up in an environment where feelings weren’t discussed or validated.
Emotionally unavailable people tend to keep relationships on a surface level to protect themselves. They’re comfortable talking about everyday things, but when it comes to sharing deeper feelings or talking about the future, they may avoid it or shut down.
Sometimes, emotional unavailability is a temporary reaction to stress, like dealing with job loss or family issues. In other cases, it’s a long-standing pattern that can affect all of their relationships. They may not even realize they’re being emotionally distant because it’s a habit they’ve developed over time.
While you may have empathy for the reasons your partner is this way, it’s also important to recognize how their behavior affects your own emotional health.
How an emotionally unavailable partner can impact your relationship (and mental health)
Being with an emotionally unavailable partner can leave you feeling disconnected and lonely. You could have a five-hour date with fun, flirty banter, but might still not feel like you really know them. Or they could be emotional with you if you’re physically intimate, but then shut down the moment they come out of the haze of physical intimacy.
These types of experiences can create frustration, self-doubt, and a sense that you’re the only one putting in emotional effort. Here are some of the common ways that people may feel when they have an emotionally unavailable partner.
You struggle to get past small talk
You might feel like you’re constantly trying to have meaningful discussions, only to be met with defensiveness, avoidance, or silence. Or you could be with someone who turns everything into a joke, or plays it off like it’s no big deal, leaving you feeling like you can’t get to know them better.
You feel anxious or insecure
When emotional closeness is lacking, it’s easy to start overthinking. You might question everything you say, or worry that you’re in touch too often. It becomes easy to question your partner’s feelings, or doubt your own worth. This kind of emotional uncertainty can lead to increased anxiety and insecurity, as you’re never quite sure where you stand. Here are 15 tips to help you stop overthinking everything, always.
You become emotional exhausted
Over time, the effort of trying to fix things or make your partner open up can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted. You might feel like you’re giving all of yourself to the relationship without getting much in return, which can impact your self-esteem. If you’re feeling emotionally burnt out, try these 10 tips to find relief.
Your mental health is affected
Resentment may build, and the emotional distance can grow larger. Feeling shot down when you reach out to connect can lead to feelings of rejection, abandonment, or even depression, especially if you start to feel like your needs will never be met no matter how hard you try.
7 signs you may be with an emotionally unavailable partner
There are some common signs that might suggest your partner is emotionally unavailable. These behaviors can be subtle at first but often become more apparent over time.
Keep in mind that having a partner show some of these signs from time-to-time doesn’t necessarily mean they’re emotionally unavailable — we’re all human after all.. But if you notice many of these behaviors are happening frequently, there may be a larger issue of unavailability at play.
Avoiding deep conversations: Your partner may frequently dodge serious discussions or shut down when emotions are involved.
Inconsistent behavior: They may be affectionate one moment and distant the next, leaving you confused about where you stand.
Fear of commitment: Emotionally unavailable people often hesitate to commit, whether it’s to future plans, labels in the relationship, or big life decisions.
Difficulty expressing emotions: Your partner may struggle to talk about their feelings or avoid showing vulnerability.
Prioritizing independence over intimacy: They might be fiercely independent, keeping you at arm’s length, even in situations where closeness is expected.
Defensiveness or anger: When you try to bring up issues or ask for emotional connection, they might react with defensiveness, irritation, or shut down completely.
Lack of support during emotional times: When you need emotional comfort, they might seem distant or uncomfortable with your vulnerability.
What to do about an emotionally unavailable partner: 7 mindful tips to help you deal
Dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute they’re being sweet and affectionate, the next they’re distant. It can really take it out of you. These mindful steps can help you protect your own emotional wellbeing.
1. Acknowledge the problem without blaming yourself
The first step is recognizing that emotional unavailability is not your fault. It's easy to fall into a pattern of self-blame, thinking that if you just did something differently, they would open up. But their emotional distance is usually a result of their own experiences and struggles, not a reflection of anything you’ve done.
By understanding that this is about them—not you—you can start to separate their behavior from your self-worth.
2. Encourage open and honest communication
Although emotionally unavailable people tend to avoid deep conversations, it’s still important to create opportunities for open communication. Start with smaller, less-threatening conversations about how you’re feeling, using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Instead of saying, "You never talk about your feelings," try, "I feel disconnected when we don’t talk about what’s going on with us."
This keeps the focus on how you feel and encourages your partner to reflect on their behavior without feeling attacked.
Be patient, as this kind of openness can take time for someone who’s emotionally unavailable (here are seven tips to help build your patience). Gently let them know that talking about emotions is important for building a stronger connection. However if you’ve been at it for months and months and they’re not opening up, it’s okay to protect your time and wellbeing by moving on.
💙 When it’s difficult to talk about your relationship, explore our Kind Communication session from the Love and Relationship series with Tamara Levitt.
3. Set clear emotional boundaries
Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they’re especially important when dealing with emotional unavailability. You need to be clear about what you will and won’t accept emotionally. Let your partner know what your needs are and what behaviors are not okay (these seven tips can help). If they constantly dismiss your feelings or shut you out during important conversations, it’s important to express how this behavior affects you.
Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling your partner, it’s about protecting your emotional health. It lets them know where your limits are and what you need from the relationship to feel safe and valued.
💙 Learn the Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren so you’ll be prepared the next time you need to set them.
4. Focus on self-care and your own emotional needs
While you’re trying to navigate your partner’s emotional unavailability, it’s easy to get wrapped up in their needs and lose sight of your own emotional health. Make sure you’re taking time to do things that make you happy, recharge your energy, and feel supported. Spend time with friends, pursue hobbies you love, and consider talking to a therapist if you need extra support. Here are 20+ more self-care practices to help you prioritize your wellbeing.
Caring for yourself emotionally is important for your wellbeing, and also helps you maintain a sense of balance in the relationship.
💙 Check out this Daily Jay session on investing in your growth with Self-Care.
5. Avoid trying to "fix" your partner
Being emotionally unavailable is something your partner has to work on themselves. You can offer support and encouragement, but you cannot do the emotional work for them. Trying to fix or change them will only leave you feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Your partner needs to recognize their emotional barriers and be willing to make changes. You can’t force that process, no matter how much you want to.
💙 Explore the illusion of Control, and where you might be struggling with it in your life, during this Daily Calm session with Tamara Levitt.
6. Consider couples therapy or individual counseling
Sometimes, emotional unavailability is deeply rooted in past trauma or unresolved issues that are hard to tackle without professional help. If both you and your partner are open to it, couples’ therapy can be a great way to improve communication and address emotional disconnection.
A therapist can help both of you explore the underlying issues and teach healthy ways to express emotions and work through problems together.
If your partner isn’t willing to go to therapy, it can still be beneficial for you to seek individual counseling. Therapy can give you the tools to navigate your emotions, set healthy boundaries, and decide what’s best for you.
7. Reassess the relationship if things don’t change
If you’ve tried everything and your partner remains emotionally unavailable, it’s okay to walk away. Emotional availability is a key part of any healthy relationship, and if your needs aren’t being met, that’s not fair to you nor will it be supportive to you in the long run. If you’d like to try taking a break from the relationship, explore these seven tips for taking some space mindfully.
It’s a tough decision, especially if you love your partner, but your emotional wellbeing matters. Staying in a relationship where you constantly feel disconnected, unsupported, or lonely can wear you down over time. Prioritize your mental health and wellbeing always.
💙 Holding too tight onto a relationship that isn’t working? Learn to Let Go with our 7 Days of Happiness series.
Emotionally unavailable FAQs
What is the root cause of emotionally unavailability?
Emotional unavailability often arises from deep-rooted fears or past experiences that hinder emotional connection. For many, it serves as a defense mechanism to protect against potential hurt, stemming from difficult or traumatic experiences in past relationships—such as betrayal, rejection, or abandonment—that left us feeling vulnerable. To avoid that pain, we build emotional walls to keep others at a distance.
The root causes of emotional unavailability vary depending on our personal history, fear, and emotional habits — often linked to our early childhood experiences. Growing up in a family where emotions were not expressed or were dismissed can lead us to suppress our feelings instead of engaging with them. We may learn that vulnerability is risky or that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, making it hard to open up even when we care deeply for someone.
Mental health issues like anxiety or depression can also contribute to emotional unavailability, hindering healthy emotional expression.
How do you deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable?
Dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable requires patience, clear boundaries, and self-care. Here are a few important details to keep in mind.
Their emotional distance doesn’t reflect your worth — and you need to acknowledge this to yourself. It’s easy to feel inadequate, but emotional unavailability often stems from their own fears or experiences.
Have open conversations about how their behavior affects you. Let them know that emotional connection is important but avoid pressuring them to change quickly as they may need time to process their feelings.
Clearly express your emotional needs and establish boundaries around hurtful behaviors, like being dismissed or ignored when you try to share. If boundaries are a challenge, check out these nine tips to help you set them.
Prioritize your own wellbeing. If you’re always managing the emotional aspects of the relationship, it can be draining. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family, and consider seeking guidance from a therapist.
If, despite your efforts to communicate and set boundaries, their emotional unavailability persists, it may be time to reassess the relationship. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and make decisions that ensure your long-term happiness, even if that means walking away.
How can childhood experiences lead to emotional unavailability in adulthood?
If someone grows up in a family where emotions aren’t openly discussed or where they’re criticized for showing feelings, they may learn to suppress their emotions as a coping mechanism. Over time, this habit can become so ingrained that it continues into adulthood.
Children who experience neglect, trauma, or abuse often build emotional walls for self-protection. If they didn’t feel safe when vulnerable, they might carry those fears into adulthood, making it difficult to trust others with their emotions.
These early experiences can have a lasting impact, but with time and effort—sometimes through therapy—people can learn healthier ways to engage with their emotions and those of their partners.
How do you talk to your partner about their emotional unavailability without causing conflict?
Talking to your partner about their emotional unavailability can be tricky, as the conversation may quickly turn confrontational if they feel blamed.
Approach the situation with empathy and express how their behavior affects you, rather than accusing them of wrongdoing. Using “I” statements can help prevent the conversation from feeling like an attack. Instead of saying, “You never open up to me,” try saying, “I feel distant when we don’t talk about our feelings.” This way, you share your emotions without putting them on the defensive.
Choose a calm time to talk, avoiding moments of conflict, as addressing emotional unavailability during heated arguments can escalate things.
Let your partner know you want to understand them better and that emotional closeness matters to you, but be patient. They may need time to respond or learn to open up, so creating a safe, non-judgmental space can encourage sharing over time.
Change takes time, and it's important to be patient while ensuring your emotional needs are respected. If they remain closed off or avoid the conversation, you might need to set boundaries to protect your wellbeing.
Can an emotionally unavailable person change with the right support?
Yes, an emotionally unavailable person can change, but it requires self-awareness, effort, and often a willingness to seek help. Emotional unavailability usually develops over many years, so it won’t disappear overnight. With the right support—such as therapy, self-reflection, or open communication with their partner—they can learn to become more emotionally available.
Therapy is particularly beneficial as it provides a safe space to explore struggles with emotional connection. A therapist can help identify the fears or past experiences that contribute to emotional distance and teach healthier ways to manage feelings. Individual or couples counseling can also enhance communication, making it easier to express emotions and connect with a partner.
Support from a loving partner can help, but ultimately, emotional availability is a personal journey. If they are committed to the process, change is definitely possible.
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