8 signs you have fake friends (and what to do about it)

Relationships

Dec 26

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Not sure if your friendship is real or one-sided? Learn how to recognize fake friends, why people act this way, and 8 ways to handle it with self-respect and kindness.

If you’ve been feeling uneasy in a friendship lately, or if you’ve felt confused, hurt, or just exhausted by the dynamic, it might not just be in your head. You could be dealing with a fake friend. A fake friend is someone who shows up in your life when they need something from you, whether it’s help with another crisis, or they have another favor to ask, or they expect you to drop everything to tend to their needs. And when you need support from them, you’re met with silence, or worse, a vague excuse as to why they can’t be there for you.

The term “fake friend” sounds harsh, but it’s a pretty straightforward title. And the experience is all too common. Sometimes the signs are obvious with flakiness, backhanded comments, and disappearing acts being at the forefront of their behavior. Other times, it can be more subtle, like an emotional distance you can’t quite name or a pattern of being there only when it benefits them. Either way, these friendships can leave you second-guessing your worth and wondering why it feels like you’re always the one holding things together.

Let’s explore the signs of a fake friend so you know what to look for. We’ll look at why people act this way, what it does to your emotional health, and how to move forward — whether that means creating boundaries, stepping back, or simply finding peace with the distance. We’ll also break down what a good friendship actually looks like, so you have a clear picture of the kind of connection you truly deserve.

What is a fake friend?

A fake friend is someone who maintains the appearance of closeness, but the connection lacks real depth or reciprocity. They might be friendly, fun, or familiar, but the friendship doesn’t feel emotionally safe or mutual. You may notice they show up when it’s convenient but disappear when the connection requires effort or care.

Unlike a genuine friendship—where both people can be real, make mistakes, and still feel supported—a fake friendship often relies on usefulness. These relationships tend to revolve around one person’s needs, while the other person adjusts, gives in, or keeps things light to avoid conflict. Over time, you may find yourself questioning whether this person really knows or values who you are beyond the role you play in their life.

What are common signs of fake friends?

If you’re wondering whether a friendship is real or just convenient, these signs can help you spot the difference.

1. They only reach out when they need something: You don’t hear from them unless there’s a favor to ask, a ride to catch, or a vent session they expect you to manage. When you reach out with your own needs? Radio silence or a quick excuse as to why they can’t help.

2. They struggle to celebrate your wins: Whether it’s a promotion, a creative project, or just a good day, they change the subject, give lukewarm praise, or even make it about themselves. Joy feels safer when you shrink it around them.

3. Your boundaries don’t seem to matter: You’ve asked for space, time, or even just a bit more respect, and it’s ignored, mocked, or spun back on you. You’re made to feel like setting limits is somehow unfair or dramatic.

4. You feel judged more than understood: You share something vulnerable and leave the conversation feeling small. They might offer unsolicited advice, poke fun at your choices, or act like they’re “just being honest,” but their honesty doesn’t land as care.

5. You do all the emotional heavy lifting: You remember their big dates, check in when they’re low, and offer consistent support. But when you’re hurting, they deflect or disappear. You’re the glue, and it’s emotionally exhausting.

6. They disappear when things get hard: Maybe you’re grieving, burnt out, or overwhelmed, and suddenly, they’re too busy or unavailable. They show up for the fun parts, not the real ones.

7. You leave interactions feeling worse: You might not be able to explain why you feel bad after spending time with them, but your body knows. After time in their presence, you feel depleted, insecure, or just a little lonelier than before.

8. They act close in public but not in private: They tag you in memes and call you their “bestie” online, but when it comes to actual connection—texts, calls, emotional presence—they’re nowhere to be found.

Why do people become fake friends?

Not all fake friends are trying to hurt you. Many are just acting from habit, insecurity, or what they’ve learned about relationships. Some seek approval, attention, or convenience because that’s what they think friendship is. Others keep people at a distance out of fear of getting too close.

Often, fake friendship is more about self-protection than malice. Without healthy relationship models, some people take more than they give, unaware of the harm. And then there are those who treat friendship like a transaction by showing up when it benefits them and disappearing once they’ve gotten what they need.

These dynamics can feel personal, but they usually stem from fear of vulnerability, of not being enough, or of needing others too much. Understanding this doesn’t mean you have to keep them close. It just helps you step back with clarity and choose the kind of relationships that feel safe and mutual.

Can fake friends take a toll on your emotional health?

One-sided or emotionally shallow friendships can quietly wear down your wellbeing, even if nothing dramatic happens. The impact builds through repeated imbalances and unmet needs. Here’s how that emotional toll might show up:

You second-guess your needs: You wonder if wanting support is asking too much.

You shrink your emotions: You censor yourself to avoid being dismissed.

You start to numb out: You disengage to avoid disappointment.

You feel unsettled after interactions: Even “fine” conversations leave your body tense.

You internalize the imbalance: You start to believe being overlooked is normal.

Fake friends aren’t always openly toxic — they can be funny, familiar, or fun. That’s what makes it hard to see the harm. But your nervous system often picks up what your brain hasn’t named yet. If you regularly leave interactions feeling drained or invisible, that’s worth paying attention to.

How to move on from a fake friend: 8 tips to mindfully handle it

Breaking up with or distancing yourself from a fake friend doesn’t always look like a dramatic goodbye. Often, it’s a quieter process — gradually realizing the friendship isn’t working, setting new boundaries, and choosing peace over obligation. Here’s how to navigate that shift with clarity, kindness, and self-respect.

1. Get clear on what the friendship is actually giving you

Before making any decisions, pause and take an honest look at the dynamic. How do you feel before, during, and after interacting with them? What are you getting from this relationship? And what are you giving?

Try jotting down a few recent interactions. Were they supportive? One-sided? Did you feel seen or dismissed? Observing isn’t judging them, but rather information gathering, especially if you’ve been stuck in second-guessing.

Reminder: If you’re always the one initiating contact, checking in, or providing emotional support, that’s useful information. A healthy friendship is mutual, not just maintenance.

💙 Explore the Calm app’s Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship guided exercises to help you get clear on what being a good friend is all about.

2. Name your needs without over-explaining them

If you feel safe enough to address the imbalance directly, keep it simple and honest. You don’t have to convince them that your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to ask for respect, consistency, or space without turning it into a debate.

Try saying: “I’ve noticed our friendship feels one-sided lately, and I’m needing more mutual support.” If they get defensive, dismissive, or try to guilt you, that’s even more clarity for you that this friendship isn’t serving you.

3. Set (and protect) your boundaries

Boundaries don’t have to be big pronouncements to make an impact. They can be small, consistent actions that protect your time, energy, and peace. Decide what you’re no longer willing to tolerate or give, and practice holding that line.

If it feels hard to stick to boundaries, that’s normal. Fake friends often benefit from your flexibility and may push back when you stop over-giving. Hold steady.

Example: Maybe you stop replying to last-minute requests right away. Maybe you decline plans that leave you emotionally depleted. Maybe you stop dropping everything to fix their problems.

4. Shift your emotional investment

Start redirecting the energy you’ve been pouring into this friendship toward people and activities that feel more aligned. This doesn’t mean cutting the person off immediately. It means letting yourself emotionally unplug from the pressure to hold the friendship together.

Example: Instead of obsessing over their latest vague text or why they didn’t show up for you again, pour that energy into a friend who does check in or into something grounding, like journaling or walking without your phone.

The more you invest in what replenishes you, the less power a draining friendship holds.

5. Release the guilt, because your peace matters

If you’ve been socialized to keep the peace or fear being “mean,” letting go of a fake friend might stir up guilt. But guilt doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it just means you’re doing something new, like no longer being a people pleaser.

Choosing to step back from someone who drains you isn’t selfish — it’s protective. You’re not abandoning them. You’re honoring your own limits.

Reminder: If the only way to stay friends is to keep betraying yourself, that’s not friendship.

💙 Give yourself a break with this 10-minute session on Self-Forgiveness on the Calm app.

6. Give the friendship space to change or fade

You don’t always need a dramatic confrontation with someone to know it’s over. Sometimes, backing off quietly is the kindest move for all involved. If the other person notices and reaches out, you can decide whether to re-engage, clarify your needs, or let it go. And if they don’t notice the distance, that’s a sign, too.

Try this: Stop texting first for a while. Say no to plans that feel obligatory. See what happens when you stop managing the relationship.

7. Lean on your support system

Even if the fake friendship wasn’t nourishing, losing it can still hurt. It’s okay to feel grief, anger, confusion, or even relief. Processing those feelings with trusted people—friends, family, or a therapist—can help you move through the transition without feeling alone.

Try this: Talk to a friend who’s seen this dynamic play out. You can say something like, “I’m realizing this friendship isn’t working, and I’m struggling with what that means.” You might be surprised how validating it feels just to say it out loud.

8. Create space for genuine connection

As you release what isn’t serving you, you make room for something better. That might be deepening other friendships, connecting with new people, or simply reconnecting with yourself.

Healthy friendships don’t leave you guessing. They feel mutual, consistent, and kind. And while you may not find those right away, you’re more likely to attract them when you stop tolerating what feels fake.

Try this: Reach out to someone who’s been supportive, even in small ways. Say yes to low-pressure hangouts. Let yourself be surprised by what connection feels like when it’s real.

Fake friends FAQs

What are the different types of fake friends?

Fake friends show up in different ways, but the pattern is usually the same with the relationship feeling one-sided. Some are opportunists and only around when they need something. Others keep things light and fun but disappear when life gets hard.

Some compete quietly, struggling to support your wins. Then there are spotlight friends, who love public attention but don’t offer real connection behind the scenes. However they show up, what’s missing is mutual care.

What is a toxic friend?

A toxic friend doesn’t just let you down; they make you feel worse about yourself. This can look like guilt-tripping, criticism, manipulation, or using your vulnerabilities against you. These friendships often leave you feeling anxious, small, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

Over time, they can erode your sense of safety and self-worth. If the relationship feels more harmful than supportive, it may be more than just a rough patch — it may be toxic.

What causes someone to be a fake friend?

People become fake friends for all kinds of reasons, and most aren’t trying to be hurtful. Some avoid closeness out of fear or insecurity, while others see friendships as transactional because that’s what they’ve learned. Some just lack self-awareness and don’t realize how one-sided they’ve become.

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse it, but it can help you take it less personally and decide what you’re willing to accept.

What does genuine friendship look like?

A genuine friendship is grounded in trust, respect, and emotional safety. It’s not perfect, but it feels mutual — you both show up, listen, and grow together. You can be yourself without fear of judgment, and support goes both ways. It’s not about how often you talk, but how safe, seen, and valued you feel when you do.

Can a fake friend become a real friend?

Sometimes, yes, but only if both people are willing to do the work. That means honest conversations, recognizing what’s not working, and following through with real change. Apologies aren’t enough without consistency.

If the other person gets defensive or avoids accountability, they may not be ready to grow. A fake friendship can shift, but only if mutual care and trust are rebuilt.

How do you distance yourself from a fake friend?

Distancing doesn’t need to be dramatic. You can start by pulling back with slower replies, fewer plans, and more time with people who support you. Set boundaries that feel right without over-explaining.

If they notice and reach out, you can choose whether to reconnect or keep space. It’s not about punishment, it’s about protecting your peace.

Is it wrong to cut off a fake friend?

No, it’s not wrong to protect your peace. Real loyalty includes loyalty to yourself. If a friendship is draining, one-sided, or makes you feel small, stepping away is an act of self-respect and not cruelty.

Cutting someone off doesn’t mean you hate them; it means you’re choosing your wellbeing over staying in something that hurts.

How do you move on emotionally after cutting off a bad friend?

Grieving a friendship can be messy, even when it is the right choice to step away. Let yourself feel the loss without rushing to move on. Reflect on what you learned, talk to supportive people, and give yourself space to heal. The emptiness now can eventually make room for healthier, more aligned relationships.

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Calm Editorial Team