Do you have a fear of committing? These 10 tips can help
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Sometimes agreeing to be with someone for a long period of time is... (gulp) scary. Explore the reasons behind a fear of commitment, and 10 tips that can help you cope.
Have you ever felt tempted to just end things with someone you’re seeing for no apparent reason? Maybe you’ve been dating for awhile, and while things are going well, your anxiety creeps in and tells you to run for the hills?
A fear of commitment is pretty common, and contrary to what you might think, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or incapable of love. It may require you to reconsider your definition of commitment. Commitment doesn’t have to feel like a trap where you lose yourself and give up your independence.
If you take the time to understand why commitment feels scary to you, you can find ways to move through it with ease and confidence. To get you started, here are a few strategies to navigate these big feelings in a way that feels safe, mindful, and empowering.
What does it mean to have a fear of commitment?
Fear of commitment isn’t just about avoiding labels or running from long-term relationships. It goes deeper than that. At its core, it’s a hesitation about investing in something that feels permanent. And while it often shows up in romantic relationships, it can sneak into other areas of life too. Maybe the idea of signing a long-term lease makes you nervous, or you get restless when you think about staying in one job for too long.
When it comes to relationships, commitment issues can show up in different ways. Some people avoid deep emotional connection altogether, while others dive into relationships enthusiastically—only to panic when things start getting serious.
Whatever the case, understanding your own hesitation is the first step toward working through it. Fear of commitment doesn’t have to control your love life. It’s something you can navigate with awareness, self-compassion, and a little bit of courage.
What are the signs of fear of commitment?
A fear of commitment can be tough to spot. Yes, some people with a fear of commitment are guilty of ghosting, but others might just hesitate before making plans too far in the future.
If you’re currently wondering if you have this fear, here are a few signs to look out for:
You crave deep connection but panic whenever things start to get serious.
You consistently avoid discussing the future with your partner.
You tend to avoid defining your relationship.
You regularly leave relationships when they start feeling “too real.”
You prefer to focus on flaws in your partner as an excuse to distance yourself.
You feel suffocated whenever someone wants a commitment from you.
You’ve been called “emotionally unavailable” before.
You replay past heartbreaks or bad relationships in your mind on a regular basis.
You struggle with long-term decisions in general.
9 reasons people may be afraid to commit
Fear of commitment tends to come from a past experience or the way you grew up, and everyone’s reasoning will be different.
Still, there are usually common reasons why people feel scared. Here are nine:
1. Fear of losing independence: If you’ve worked hard to build a life you love, you might worry that a serious relationship will take away your freedom, your routines, and your ability to make decisions without having to check in with anyone. Commitment could feel like giving up a part of yourself.
2. Fear of making the wrong choice: Some people like to keep their options open because they're afraid of making the wrong decision. This pressure of making the “right” choice can be paralyzing.
3. Past trauma or heartbreak: Our brains are wired to protect us from pain. If you’ve been hurt before, you might be trying to safeguard against any further trauma.
4. Fear of vulnerability: Truly committing to someone means opening yourself up and allowing them to see the raw, unfiltered version of you. This level of vulnerability can be terrifying, and for some, it can feel easier to just stay guarded.
5. Attachment style: If you have an avoidant attachment style because of the way you grew up, you might naturally push people away when they get too close. Emotional intimacy might feel overwhelming to you.
6. Fear of expectations and responsibility: If you’re in a serious relationship, odds are, your partner wants to plan a future with you. If you struggle with the weight of responsibility, you might worry that committing means you’ll disappoint your partner.
7. Pressure from society or family: Sometimes, a fear of commitment comes from the world around you. Maybe your family expects you to settle down or you feel societal pressure to live according to a certain timeline. If commitment starts to feel like an obligation rather than something you want to do, it’s natural to resist.
8. The “grass is greener” mentality: We live in a world of endless possibilities, especially when it comes to dating. With a few swipes on an app, we can meet someone new. If you constantly wonder if there’s someone better out there, it can be hard to commit to the person in front of you.
9. Not being truly ready: Sometimes you might just not be in a place where commitment makes sense for you. Maybe you’re still figuring out who you are, healing from past wounds, or simply enjoying being on your own. All these reasons are okay. You’re allowed to be single. If now isn’t the right time for you to be in a serious relationship, that’s more than fine. Wait until you’re ready.
How to overcome fear of commitment in your relationship: 10 tips to help you deal
Committing to someone can feel scary, but that’s okay. If you’re feeling this way, try not to judge yourself, force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do, or pretend your fears don’t exist. Instead try to understand what’s going on and attempt to learn how to navigate your feelings in a way that feels safe, and true to who you are.
If fear of commitment currently has a hold on you, here are 10 practical steps to help you cope:
1. Acknowledge your fear without judgment
We can tend to push our fears deep down. Don’t do this. Instead, try to sit with it and better understand what you’re afraid of.
Once you identify the root of your fear, you can start to work with it rather than letting it overcome you. Also, remember that fear isn’t weakness. It just means that something inside you needs attention.
2. Dig into your past
Sometimes, our commitment fears can be tangled up in old wounds. If you grew up watching relationships fall apart or you were hurt in the past and never fully healed, it’s understandable that you’re skittish about committing to someone long-term..
Journaling, self-inquiry, and therapy can help you understand where your fears come from. This type of self-reflection can also be super beneficial in helping to shape your future. (If you tend to struggle with reflecting, explore these 20 powerful self-reflection questions to ask yourself.)
3. Communicate with your partner
If you’re in a relationship, be honest with your partner about what you’re experiencing. You don’t have to have all the answers, but opening up can really help to create a safe and understanding space between the two of you.
💙 Listen to Kind Communication with Tamara Levitt if you’re struggling to find a way to talk to your partner.
4. Take commitment one step at a time
To help make thinking about commitment a little less overwhelming, consider breaking it down into small and manageable steps. (If you’re spiraling here are 12 ways you can find relief.)
You don’t have to decide today if this person is forever. Instead, ask yourself if you can commit to this person for the next month or even the next day. When you take it one step at a time, the pressure can ease and commitment can then start to feel more like a choice rather than an obligation.
5. Challenge negative thoughts
Fear can distort our reality. If you find yourself thinking that all your relationships end badly, or that you’ll lose yourself if you commit fully, try to ask yourself if this is your fear talking. Most of the time it will be, and when this happens, challenge those thoughts with evidence from your life. Ready to give it a try? Here are 11 ways to reframe negative thoughts.
Try to think of a healthy happy relationship you’ve had or ask yourself if you’ve ever committed to something and not lost yourself. By shifting your perspective, you can loosen fear’s grip on you.
6. Practice mindfulness to stay present
A lot of commitment fear can come from worrying about the future. If this is the case for you, ground yourself in the present. Meditation, breathwork, and just pausing to notice how you feel can help ease your anxiety and bring you back to what really matters.
💙 Listen to Balanced and Present with Jeff Warren to help ground yourself in the here and now.
7. Work with a therapist
If your fear feels overwhelming, consider starting therapy. A professional can help you explore where your fears come from and also help you develop healthier relationship patterns. If reaching out for help is tough for you, try these seven tips to gain confidence.
8. Recognize that love and freedom can coexist
Many people's biggest fear about commitment is losing themselves. A healthy relationship won’t take away your independence though.
Remind yourself that it’s possible to love someone and also still be your own person. You’re allowed to be in a committed relationship and still chase your dreams and nurture your friendships.
9. Visualize a secure relationship
Instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, try shifting your mindset. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a loving, supportive, stable relationship. Sometimes, simply allowing yourself to picture commitment as something good can start to rewire your emotional response to it.
10. Be kind to yourself
Don’t beat yourself up if you slip into old fears. Changing patterns takes time, so if you find yourself afraid again, just acknowledge what’s going on and give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made.
It’s okay to take this as it comes. Every time you lean into connection rather than away from it, you win.
Fear of committing FAQs
Why am I scared of committing?
Typically fear of commitment stems from deeper emotional experiences from past relationships and childhood dynamics. Internalized fears about love and stability can cause you to have a fear of committing as well.
Whatever the reason, try to remind yourself that this fear is usually your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe. If you start experiencing this feeling, tell yourself that safety and love can coexist and that not every relationship will end the way past ones have.
Can I ever overcome my fear of commitment completely?
If you take the time to try and understand yourself, challenge your unhelpful thoughts, and slowly build trust in relationships, it can be possible to overcome your fear of commitment.
Many people learn through self-reflection that if they shift their mindset around commitment, they can replace their fear with confidence, and even connection. Professional help can go a long way too.
Also remind yourself that healing isn’t linear, so be patient with yourself. Each step you take towards emotional openness is progress.
Are there ways to help my partner with their fear of commitment
The most important thing you can offer your partner if they’re struggling is understanding. Pressuring them into commitment will most likely only make them retreat further and worsen their fear. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, so if they ask for more time, try to respect that.
Here are four practical ways you can help your partner with their fear of commitment:
Create a space where they feel safe to open up about their fears.
Ask gentle questions.
Reassure them that you’re in this together, as a team.
Your needs matter too though, and it’s more than okay to set boundaries with them if their fear starts to leave you feeling uncertain, or even unfulfilled.
Is fear of commitment the same as relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety and fear of commitment are not exactly the same, but they can overlap. Usually relationship anxiety tends to be more about fear within your relationship. You might worry if your partner really loves you, or if you’re “enough.”
On the other hand, fear of commitment is really more about resisting long-term emotional investment altogether. You could experience relationship anxiety and want commitment, but struggle with self-doubt and fear of abandonment. You could also experience commitment issues but feel trapped or overwhelmed by the idea of being tied down to just one person.
Are there mindfulness techniques that can help my commitment anxiety?
Mindfulness can help you manage your commitment anxiety by keeping you grounded in the present.
When your fear of commitment starts to kick in, mindfulness exercises like deep breathing, body scans, and meditation can all help calm your nervous system. Journaling can also be a great way to untangle your thoughts and recognize any patterns in your fear.
Also if you catch yourself thinking that commitment means losing your freedom, try cognitive shifting. Reframe that thought to, “Commitment can be a safe and fulfilling partnership.” By telling yourself this regularly, you can challenge your unhelpful narratives and help make your anxiety more manageable.
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