5 signs you have a fear of intimacy (and what to do about it)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what a fear of intimacy is, including the common signs, causes, and how to treat it. Plus, 10 mindful ways to achieve more intimacy in your relationships.
Do you ever find yourself holding back emotionally or physically in relationships and wonder if you have a fear of intimacy? You may not be able to put your finger on where the hesitancy comes from, but you know you feel anxiety about getting too close or worry about being vulnerable. Maybe you shy away from sharing your deepest, messiest feelings with your partner or cringe when a hug or intimate touch lingers for a little too long.
If any of these sound familiar, you may have a fear of intimacy. While fearing closeness (while also desperately wanting closeness) can be confusing and frustrating, a fear of intimacy can also lead to feelings of loneliness or tension in relationships. Over time, this can make it tough to find the connection and understanding you crave from a committed partner and may also lead to self-sabotaging something great if you aren’t able to overcome your fear. But the good news is, there are ways to work through these feelings. Here’s what you need to know.
What is a fear of intimacy?
A fear of intimacy can be described as the anxiety or discomfort you might feel about getting close to others, both physically and emotionally. This fear can lead you to pull back when a relationship starts to deepen, change the subject during personal conversations, or distance yourself when someone gets too close — even when what you may be craving is closeness.
Fear of intimacy often stems from past experiences, like betrayal or a painful breakup, or from childhood experiences where you didn’t feel safe or supported. Even if you crave connection, your fear of being hurt can hold you back from the closeness that intimacy offers. Because to a person with a fear of intimacy, it’s better to keep yourself distant (which equals safety) than put yourself in a situation where you could end up broken-hearted or alone.
Understanding the fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy often develops from past experiences, like breakups or emotional unavailability from partners or loved ones. It can also come from how secure and confident you are in yourself and in your relationships.
Past trauma: If you’ve experienced abuse, neglect, or betrayal, it can make it feel impossible to trust others.
Low self-esteem: If you feel unworthy or fear rejection, you might avoid getting close to protect yourself from the hurt you may think is inevitably coming for you.
Attachment issues: How you bonded with caregivers as a child can influence how you relate to others as an adult.
Fear of vulnerability: Opening up to someone can be scary if you’re afraid of getting hurt, especially if you don’t trust the connection is built to last long-term.
Intimacy vs. isolation
According to famed psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, between the ages of 19-29 people experience a developmental stage known as the balance of intimacy versus isolation. Erikson believed that this is an important part of learning how to have relationships and how to grow as a person. This stage of development is about choosing between building close, meaningful relationships (intimacy) or pulling away and feeling lonely (isolation).
When people handle this stage of personal development well, they create strong connections and feel like they belong. If they struggle, they might feel distant or scared of getting too close to others. Building trust, talking openly, and being emotionally honest can help create healthy intimacy and avoid loneliness.
5 signs of being afraid of intimacy in a relationship
Being afraid of intimacy can show up in many ways and will usually create distance in relationships. Maybe one partner doesn’t understand the fear of the other partner or gets their feelings hurt when physical connection and emotional vulnerability is lacking.
Avoiding physical closeness: Shying away from physical touch like hugging or holding hands, even with people you care about, may be a sign of being afraid of intimacy.
Emotional distance: Struggling to discuss deep feelings and keeping conversations surface-level, even with close friends or partners, is another sign you’re unwilling or unable to open up.
Difficulty trusting others: Constantly doubting your partner’s intentions, or feeling insecure in relationships, may be a sign you’re struggling with vulnerability and connection.
Pushing people away: Starting arguments, withdrawing, or avoiding time together when someone tries to get close may indicate that you have issues with building trust and can lead to loneliness. Here are 10 mindful ways to combat feeling lonely.
Fear of commitment: Feeling anxiety when a relationship deepens, which may make you avoid long-term plans like moving in together, is another sign that emotional intimacy may be impacting you.
Can being afraid of intimacy be treated?
The good news is that a fear of intimacy can be treated, so don't worry if you’re currently struggling. There’s hope for building closer, more fulfilling relationships, and it usually involves one of our favorites — therapy.
Therapy can help you explore what may have caused your fear of closeness, such as past experiences or low self-esteem, and provide tools to manage it. Two helpful forms of therapy for intimacy issues are cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-based therapy.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be helpful in identifying and changing negative thought patterns that add to your fear of closeness. If you believe by letting someone in, they’ll eventually hurt you, CBT can help you challenge this belief and replace it with more balanced and rational thinking. Over time, this approach may help reduce anxiety around intimacy.
Another useful approach for addressing intimacy issues is attachment-based therapy. This form of therapy examines how your early relationships with caregivers may have impacted your current relationships. When you understand your attachment style, which can be defined as either secure, anxious, or avoidant, you can work toward healthier ways of connecting with others.
How to achieve intimacy in a relationship: 10 mindful ways to build connection
Building intimacy in a relationship takes time, effort, and patience from all partners involved. If you struggle with a fear of intimacy, getting closer to someone might feel overwhelming and impossible. But, by taking small, mindful steps, you can gradually begin to experience the closeness that makes relationships fulfilling and jumpstart your journey to connection.
1. Practice open communication with your partner
Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if it feels uncomfortable. The more often you do it, the easier it will become. Let them know what’s on your mind, and encourage them to do the same. Listen to your partner without judgment, because when both of you feel heard and understood, it can allow space for intimacy to grow.
💙 Follow along with Tamara Levitt as she introduces the concept of Kind Communication and how to practice it in your relationships.
2. Build trust gradually by leaning into vulnerability
Start with little acts of trust, like sharing a personal story or relying on your partner for support — even with something small. As you build up more of these moments, your trust in each other may deepen. Continue to build (or rebuild) the trust in your relationship by consistently showing up for each other, keeping your promises, and being reliable.
💙 Rebuilding trust takes time, but with this guided meditation on Strengthening Relationships, you can take the first step on the path to forgiveness and repair.
3. Spend quality, uninterrupted time together, and do it regularly
Quality time is crucial in a relationship, because it gives you time to truly connect with your partner. Do activities you both like together, like cooking, playing a sport, or taking a walk. These shared moments of joy may strengthen your bond and make it easier to open up emotionally. Prioritize time together without distractions, like phones or work, so you can focus completely on each other.
💙 Develop the habit of Holding Space for each other throughout the day to engage in thoughtful connection, whatever that looks like for you.
4. Reflect on your feelings and setbacks to boost self-awareness
Reflect on what makes you feel anxious or uncomfortable in relationships. Are there specific situations or conversations that cause you to pull back and feel uncomfortable? Once you identify these triggers, try to address them either on your own or with a therapist. This awareness of your emotions can help you manage and communicate them to your partner, which may result in a more positive and closer relationship.
💙 Take time to listen to your innermost feelings with True Reflections, a guided exercise led by Jay Shetty.
5. Be patient with yourself and others
Don’t rush the process or expect quick results when it comes to overcoming intimacy issues. Take your time. Celebrate small steps, like sharing a personal story or spending more time together, especially in close physical distance. Setbacks may happen, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to growing closer and strengthening your relationship.
💙 Cultivate patience for others by learning to first be patient with yourself with help from The Daily Calm’s session on Patience.
6. Show empathy and understanding for your partner
By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding their feelings, you may strengthen your emotional connection and help them feel valued and understood. This mutual understanding can make your relationship feel more secure and may make it easier for both of you to open up and be vulnerable.
💙 Dive into this session on practicing Empathy from Tamara Levitt’s Relationships with Others Series.
7. Practice physical affection one small step at a time
Physical touch can be a key aspect of creating and sustaining intimacy. Small gestures like holding hands, hugging, or sitting close can significantly strengthen your bond, and can express love and support in ways that words often can’t.
If physical affection feels uncomfortable at first, start small and build up as you become more comfortable. Try hugging or holding hands before jumping into cuddling or even kissing. These small gestures, while intimate in their own way without being too close, can help bridge the gap between emotional and physical connection.
💙 Learn more about the Five Love Languages in Tamara Levitt’s Love and Relationships series, plus ways for you to put them into practice in your relationships.
8. Encourage each other to share goals and dreams and set goals together
Plan a trip, set up a home, or discuss long-term aspirations to nurture partnership and connection. When you’re both invested in a shared vision, it can deepen your sense of commitment and strengthen feelings of togetherness, both of which enhance intimacy in the relationship.
9. Be mindful of your partner’s needs and boundaries
Everyone has different needs when it comes to intimacy, so pay attention to what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. And do your best to meet those needs and treat them the way you’d want to be treated. Understanding and responding to your partner’s love language can strengthen your bond and help them feel more secure in the relationship.
💙 Check out A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren for tips on how to create boundaries and respect them.
10. Seek professional help when you need additional support
If building intimacy feels overwhelming, speak to a therapist, couples counselor, or a trusted friend. Professional help can offer valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your fears and strengthen your relationship.
Fear of intimacy FAQs
Can fear of intimacy affect friendships as well as romantic relationships?
Fear of intimacy can affect all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. In friendships, you might struggle to open up or share personal details about your life, preferring to keep conversations surface-level. This lack of emotional vulnerability can make friendships feel less fulfilling or distant, even if you care deeply about the other person. Protective behaviors—like pushing people away or being hesitant to trust—can also appear in your friendships if you’re struggling with friendship intimacy.
How does fear of intimacy relate to social anxiety?
Fear of intimacy and social anxiety are closely related but can affect different parts of social interactions. Social anxiety involves the fear of being judged or embarrassed in social settings, making everyday interactions stressful. Fear of intimacy, however, centers on anxiety about close, personal relationships.
While social anxiety may cause nervousness in crowds or around strangers, fear of intimacy brings anxiety about emotional or physical closeness. The two can overlap, as both are centered around fears of vulnerability, rejection, and judgment.
What are some common mistakes people make when trying to overcome fear of intimacy?
Watch out for common mistakes as you try to work through a fear of intimacy, like trying to force a connection or even ignoring your gut feelings for the sake of “overcoming” your intimacy issues.
Expecting too much too soon: Overcoming a fear of intimacy is a gradual process, so take small steps rather than rushing into big changes.
Avoiding the issue: Hoping the fear will resolve on its own can actually strengthen your fear, making it harder to break the cycle.
Trying to force intimacy: Diving into deep physical or emotional connections before you’re ready can increase anxiety and push you further from the closeness you’re looking for. Go at your own pace and be patient with yourself.
Is it possible to overcome fear of intimacy without therapy?
You can make progress with healing on your own, especially if your fear of intimacy isn’t deeply rooted in past trauma.
Try self-help strategies like journaling, mindfulness, and practicing open communication with people you trust. Gradually build that trust, reflect on your feelings, and take small steps toward vulnerability to help you reduce your fears. Learn five ways you can practice being more vulnerable.
If your fear of intimacy is deeply ingrained or significantly affects your relationships, it’s best to speak to a therapist for help exploring the underlying causes of your fear. This can help you develop personalized strategies to overcome it.
What does a fear of intimacy look like?
Fear of intimacy can manifest differently for everyone, but common signs include avoiding close relationships, keeping conversations superficial, and feeling uncomfortable with physical affection. You might pull away when someone tries to get close or quickly end relationships as they become serious.
Other signs include difficulty trusting others, reluctance to share your true thoughts and feelings, and pushing people away when emotional closeness develops.
These behaviors are often protective mechanisms to prevent vulnerability and avoid getting hurt.
How to date someone with a fear of intimacy?
Dating someone with a fear of intimacy requires patience, understanding, and clear communication.
Give them space when needed, but gently encourage open discussions about their feelings and fears.
Avoid pressuring them into emotional or physical closeness before they’re ready, as this can heighten their anxiety.
Focus on gradually building trust and showing you’re reliable and supportive.
Be consistent in your actions and words to help them feel more secure.
Learn about fear of intimacy to help you better understand and support your partner.
How can I help someone struggling with fear of intimacy?
If someone you care about is struggling with a fear of intimacy, the best way to help is by being a supportive and non-judgmental presence. Let them know you’re there for them and encourage them to talk about their feelings when they’re ready.
Be patient and respect their boundaries — pushing too hard can make them retreat further. If their fear is causing them distress, gently suggest they seek professional help. Remind them it’s okay to take things slow, and that working through this fear is a process, which can make a big difference in their journey toward healthier, more intimate relationships.
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