How to forgive and let go: 8 ways to practice forgiveness
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Forgiveness is powerful, but it can also be hard. Learn the benefits of forgiveness, mindful steps to forgive and let go, and 8 ways to practice forgiveness.
Sometimes life brings about situations where someone hurts our feelings and we’re faced with the choice of holding on to anger or resentment, or choosing to forgive them.
Forgiveness isn’t just about saying, “I forgive you.” It’s a process that can contribute to your personal growth and improve your mental health. Forgiveness has the potential to change your life. Letting go of grudges, anger, and negative feelings isn’t really about the other person—it’s about granting yourself peace of mind, which can substantially impact your overall wellbeing.
It’s not about pretending the pain isn’t there or that it doesn’t matter. It’s about choosing—consciously deciding—to let go of all that hurt and resentment you’re carrying around. Forgiving doesn’t mean you’re saying what happened was okay. It means you’re ready to start healing and moving on.
Why it matters to forgive and let go: the health benefits of forgiveness
Sometimes, especially when we’re hurt, the idea of forgiving can seem pretty overwhelming. Forgiveness is associated with weakness in some cultures, yet it can actually take a lot of strength. It’s far braver to give up the need to prove a point or right a wrong than it is to let go.
If we don’t learn to forgive—both others and ourselves—it can use up our mental and emotional energy and keep us stuck. Forgiving is about giving up the anger and bitterness we’re holding on to and finally being free from the past.
Forgiveness promotes mental health and wellbeing
Letting go of grudges and resentment can reduce depression, stress, and anxiety. As part of self-care, forgiveness can also improve emotional wellbeing and help you develop a more optimistic outlook.
Forgiveness can boost physical health
Practicing forgiveness can help lower stress levels which can translate to a healthier immune system. It can also help reduce anxiety which can lead to lower blood pressure and a healthier heart.
Anger has been associated with increased inflammation in the body as we age. Giving up resentment could reduce our susceptibility to inflammation-related illnesses, heart disease, and cancer. Hostility has also been associated with cognitive impairment over time which can reduce mental clarity.
Forgiveness improves relationships
Forgiving someone who's hurt you can help heal and strengthen connections with loved ones and family members. It can also enhance empathy and understanding towards others.
Forgiveness enhances self-esteem and self-love
By practicing forgiveness you can reclaim personal power and develop self-respect.Learning self-forgiveness is also an important self-care practice.
Forgiveness cultivates empathy and compassion for others
Practicing forgiveness helps diffuse situations where you may feel frustrated with people in your life. The empathy that often comes in tandem with forgiveness can help ease conflicts and misunderstandings at home, at work, or out in the world. As a happy byproduct, it also works to improve communication and understanding with people in your life.
Forgiveness can help you break free from the past
By reframing your perspective and embracing your resilience, you can transition from feeling like a victim to feeling like a survivor. No longer will you be controlled by the past. Instead you’ll be fully conscious and present in the moment.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t about excusing the actions or words that caused the pain. It’s about liberating yourself from ongoing suffering and learning to live more empathetic and lovingly.
How to use the four Rs of forgiveness
The process of forgiveness can be daunting and sometimes before we can forgive others we need to forgive ourselves. When there’s conflict and we know we are partially to blame, it can be really difficult to move to a place of forgiveness, both for ourselves and for others, but by starting on your own side of the street you can move towards a place of resolution and relief.
Responsibility
The first step is taking responsibility for any part that you’ve contributed to in the argument, or conflict. Maybe you played no part in the conflict at all. Afterall, sometimes other people can project their hurt and their emotions onto us to try and feel better themselves. More often than not with general misunderstandings, arguments, and debates, we can acknowledge the part we played. Maybe we didn’t listen mindfully. Maybe we jumped to conclusions. Maybe we got defensive and jumped to blame. If you contributed to it, take ownership of your part and then practice self-compassion. Afterall, you are a human.
Remorse
If it’s appropriate to feel remorseful for what happened, create some space for that. It might be painful and you might walk through feelings of shame, but that’s all part of being human. Give yourself that time to feel frustrated with yourself, or to grieve, but don’t forget the self-compassion piece. That will move you towards a place of action where you can work to remedy the situation if appropriate. Sometimes being genuinely remorseful is the quickest way to diffuse tension and move towards resolution.
Restoration
If you hurt someone else in a conflict, it’s important to apologize for your part. Even if you also want an apology from them. It takes vulnerability, courage, and strength to go first when apologizing, but be open to it. It can be empowering. It’s also important to let go of defensiveness and truly communicate how you are or were feeling. By letting the other person know how you feel or felt, you’re allowing space for communication and understanding.
Renewal
After forgiving someone it’s important to move forward without resentment. Renewal is all about moving forward with an open heart and open mind and really committing to putting the conflict behind you. If you still have more to say or communicate, be sure to do all of that before you move into the renewal phase.
8 ways to practice forgiveness and let go
The process of forgiveness can take a few minutes, or it can take years. It’s also normal to have to repeat the process or take it in staggered increments. The act of forgiveness requires effort, patience, and a lot of self-love, but the rewards—a peaceful mind, improved mental health, stronger relationships, and a life free from the shackles of resentment—are undoubtedly worth it. Here’s how you can begin to walk through the process.
1. Acknowledge the situation
If you recently fent betrayed, misunderstood, rejected, or deceived, take some time to consider what happened. What was the conflict about? How did it make you feel? Did you have a part in it that you need to acknowledge? Once you have a clear understanding of it, find somewhere quiet and comfy, and take some deep breaths to begin to calm down your nervous system.
2. Name your feelings and practice self-compassion
Sometimes we feel a jumble of feelings in the wake of being hurt and we don’t even know what they all are. In these moments you might use a tool like The Feelings Wheel to get clear on how you’re feeling. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do and what would help you to feel better? Sometimes, understanding the source of pain helps soften our stance towards forgiveness. Offer yourself compassion. Even if you had a part in a conflict or disagreement, you are human and we all make mistakes.
💙 Explore more about self-compassion in our Relationship with Self series. Compassion for yourself is often born from a good self-care practice. If you’re not in the habit of putting yourself and your needs first, explore our Radical Self-Care series.
3. Let it out
Bottling up your feelings is a one-way ticket to continued frustration, anger, and resentment. When you feel hurt it’s important to get it out. While it’s generally not appropriate to scream and yell at someone who’s upset you, you can write your raw feelings down in a letter that you don’t send, or in a journal. Get those big emotions out of your body and onto a piece of paper so you can begin to process them. Another option might be screaming into a pillow, punching a couch cushion, or even going for a run. Once the biggest wave of emotions has crested and passed you can start to feel more calm and rational.
💙 To move through your feelings with a mindful movement practice, check out Say Goodbye to Anger from the Daily Move.
4. Establish clear boundaries (if needed)
Forgiving others is important, but protecting your mental health and wellbeing is also of paramount importance. Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing people to continue hurting you. So, make sure to establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm, and clearly communicate your needs and limits. Remember forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to condone someone else’s actions. It’s okay to keep space for your own health and wellbeing.
5. Lean into empathy (if it’s appropriate)
If it’s appropriate you can try and cultivate compassion for the person who hurt you. If the pain you’re experiencing is over an innocent mistake or misunderstanding then maybe you can try putting yourself in their shoes. Or asking yourself why they behaved the way they did. Learning to separate the doer from the deed can help diminish the impact of the wrong done to you. With that said, if you are experiencing a major hurt or betrayal it might be helpful to talk with your mental healthcare provider about the best way to do this. You don’t want to rationalize away your hurt if you haven’t fully processed it yet.
6. Communicate to create closure
Sometimes, seeking closure by expressing your feelings to the person who hurt you can facilitate forgiveness. Closure can be particularly beneficial when dealing with a family member or loved one, creating a space for open dialogue and mutual understanding going forward. However, remember that achieving forgiveness is more about your inner peace than receiving an apology, and you do not have to rebuild your relationship with that person.
💙 You can learn more about setting boundaries and seeking closure with our Relationship with Others series.
7. Seek support
It's okay to ask for help. Talking to friends, family, or a mental health professional can give you the support and guidance needed during this emotional journey. Remember, forgiveness is not a one-time event but a continuous process of choosing love (especially self-love) and understanding over anger and resentment. Take the time you need to process your emotions, heal, and gradually let go. Patience is key—don’t rush the process or force yourself to forgive before you’re ready.
8. Find the lesson and reclaim your power
Forgiving is empowering. It allows you to release the power the offender holds over your emotions, enabling you to regain control over your feelings and life. By forgiving, you choose peace over pain, growth over stagnation, and free yourself from resentment. There are also many things to be learned by the conflicts we experience. Sometimes those lessons are simply about increasing our boundaries and self-care. Other times it’s about increasing our communication tools. When you find the lesson in the struggle you can reframe the way you look at it and empower yourself to move on with even more wisdom.
💙 Learn more about the best ways to practice forgiveness for yourself and forgiveness for others with our Forgiveness meditation series.
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