How to stop hating someone: 5 ways to mindfully let go

Jun 27

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA

Learn what it means to hate someone and how it can affect your mental and physical health. Plus, 5 ways to stop hating someone (including your partner).

As much as we’d all love to be kind and gracious every day of our lives, there are bound to be moments with people who you find annoying or just don’t like — you’re human, after all. Hopefully, your relationships with these people won’t take up too much of your energy.

With all of that said, hating someone—which can feel like an all-consuming and deeply painful experience—is different. When you hold deep-seated resentment toward someone, the intense negative emotions can impact your health, mental health, and strain your relationships with others.

What does it mean to hate someone?

Hate is an intense feeling of persistent, overwhelming resentment toward someone. It’s more than just not liking someone — when you hate someone, it can make it almost impossible to see them in a positive light, no matter what they do. This distorted view can lead you to interpret the actions and intentions of the person you hate in the worst possible way, and these negative emotions can spill over into your interactions with others.

The reasons you might feel hatred toward someone can be very personal. A few examples include:

Feeling betrayed because someone you trusted has deeply hurt or wronged you
Being engaged in prolonged conflict, where unresolved issues and repeated negative interactions build up over time
Feeling disrespected or devalued by someone

5 ways to stop hating someone

Letting go of hate can be challenging, but may be better for your wellbeing than holding a grudge. With the right strategies, you can begin to let go of hate and create space for more positivity in your life.

1. Practice empathy and understanding

There’s a saying, “Hurt people hurt people,” which basically means that people behave negatively due to their own pain, insecurities, or misunderstandings. When you feel hatred toward someone, think about their background, experiences, and motivations. Ask yourself why they might have acted in a way that hurt you. By seeing the situation from their point of view, you might find it easier to let go of anger and resentment.

2. Focus on forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the harmful behavior or forget what happened, but choosing to release the hold these negative emotions have on you instead. Acknowledge your feelings, accept that the past can’t be changed, and make a conscious decision to move forward. This process can be gradual and might require repeated effort, so be patient with yourself.

3. Engage in self-reflection

Self-reflection can help you understand the causes of your hatred and how it affects your life. Think about why you feel this way and what triggers these emotions. Write down your thoughts, experiences, and any patterns you notice to become more aware of your emotional responses. This can help you begin to change your mindset and reactions.

4. Seek therapy or counseling

A therapist or counselor can help you identify underlying issues, develop coping strategies, and offer a safe space to express your feelings. Therapy can be particularly beneficial if your hatred is deeply rooted or linked to past traumas.

5. Practice mindfulness and meditation

Start with simple mindfulness exercises, such as focusing on your breath or doing a body scan. Gradually, add loving-kindness meditation, where you send positive thoughts to yourself and others, including the person you hate. Practice these techniques regularly to help you process and release feelings of hate.

How hating someone affects your mental and physical health

Hating someone can have serious consequences for your mental and physical health.

Constant heightened stress can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and negative thought patterns. You may find yourself replaying past grievances and imagining future conflicts.
Prolonged exposure to stress hormones like cortisol can increase your risk of cardiovascular issues and weaken your immune system.

Intense negative emotions can disrupt your sleep, leading to insomnia or restless nights. This can make you feel irritable, tired, make daily challenges seem harder, and can weaken your immunity to illnesses.

Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, overeating, or other destructive behaviors can harm your health. These can lead to weight gain, addiction, and other health problems.

What to do if you feel like you hate your partner: 5 tips

Relationships can go through many phases, and feeling hatred toward your partner can be particularly distressing. Having a framework of steps can help you when you need to resolve difficult issues.

1. Open communication

Discuss your feelings in a calm and neutral tone, and express your emotions without blaming or attacking. Use "I" statements to describe how you feel and what specific actions or behaviors have triggered these emotions. For example, say, “I feel hurt and angry when…” instead of “You always make me feel…” This can help create a more constructive and empathetic dialogue.

💙 Learn to practice Empathy when in conversation with your partner to help understand their feelings and needs.

2. Identify underlying issues

Often, feelings of hate stem from unresolved issues or recurring conflicts. Identify what’s causing these negative emotions to help you address the real problems, rather than just the symptoms. Then, work together to find solutions. This might involve setting new boundaries, improving communication skills, or making compromises to meet each other's needs.

💙 Practice setting better Boundaries during this session of the Relationship with Others Series.

3. Seek couples therapy

A trained therapist can help you and your partner explore the underlying issues contributing to your feelings, improve communication, and develop healthier relationship patterns. Therapy can also offer tools and techniques to manage conflicts more effectively and rebuild trust and intimacy.

4. Focus on the positives

Reflect on the good times and the reasons you value your partner. Remind yourself of the qualities and experiences that brought you together in the first place. Express gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship. This can help shift your focus from resentment and help you reconnect.

💙 Develop warmth, compassion, and love for yourself and your partner with a Loving-Kindness meditation.

5. Take a break if needed

Sometimes, a temporary separation can provide the space you need to gain perspective and reduce intense emotions. This doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship for good, but, rather, offering both partners time to reflect on their feelings and needs independently.

During this period, focus on self-care and personal growth to help you return to the relationship with a clearer mind and a more positive attitude. If you decide to take a break, set clear boundaries to ensure it’s constructive and respectful.

How meditation and mindfulness can help you let go of hate

Regular meditation and mindfulness practice can help manage and ease negative emotions like hate. This can lead to greater emotional resilience and inner peace.

1. Mindful breathing: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Notice the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body. This can help calm your mind and reduce the intensity of negative emotions.

2. Loving-kindness meditation: Close your eyes and silently repeat phrases like, "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at peace." Gradually extend these wishes to others, including the person you feel hatred toward. This can help cultivate compassion and reduce negative feelings.

3. Body scan meditation: Lie down or sit comfortably and close your eyes. Starting from your toes, focus on each part of your body, noticing any sensations or tension. This can help you become aware of how hate affects your body, and can promote relaxation.

4. Mindfulness in daily activities: Bring your full attention to routine tasks like eating or walking. Staying present and fully engaged in your activities can help you reduce the influence of negative emotions.

5. Reflecting without judgment: Observe and acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without labeling them as good or bad — simply understand that it's okay to have these emotions. This can help you detach from negative emotions and reduce their impact on your wellbeing.

How to stop hating someone FAQs

Is it possible to completely let go of hate?

It’s possible to let go of hate, but it requires time, effort, and a willingness to change. Letting go of hate involves recognizing and acknowledging your emotions, understanding their root causes, and actively working to release them. By consistently practicing empathy, forgiveness, self-reflection, and seeking professional help if necessary, you can gradually replace feelings of hatred with more positive emotions.

How can I deal with someone who continues to hurt me despite my efforts to let go of hate?

Dealing with someone who continues to hurt you despite your efforts to let go of hate can be challenging.

Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.
Communicate your needs and limits assertively.
Distance yourself from the person if necessary.
Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Focus on self-care to maintain your wellbeing.
Remember that letting go of hate is about freeing yourself from negative emotions while protecting your safety and mental health. It doesn’t mean allowing others to mistreat you.

What are the first steps to take when you realize you're harboring hate toward someone?

When you realize you're harboring hate toward someone, the first steps are acknowledgement and compassion toward yourself. This can help you begin to move toward a more positive emotional state.

Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize how you’re feeling without judgment.
Reflect on the root causes: Take time to understand the events, actions, or behaviors that led to these feelings. Try journaling to help you explore and express your emotions.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself — it's okay to need time to work through these feelings.
Develop a plan to let go: Explore strategies such as empathy, forgiveness, self-reflection, and professional help.

How do I handle relationships with people I can't forgive?

Handling relationships with people you can't forgive can be difficult, but it's important for your wellbeing to find strategies that help you.

Set boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Communicate your boundaries to the person involved—and stick to them—to protect your emotional health.
Limit contact: If possible, reduce the amount of time you spend with the person. This can help minimize negative interactions and give you space to heal.
Focus on self-care: Prioritize your mental and physical health. Immerse yourself in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment.
Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings. They can offer guidance, perspective, and emotional support as you navigate the relationship.
Reframe your perspective: While forgiveness might not be possible, try to shift your focus from the negative aspects of the relationship to your own growth and healing. Accept that some relationships may never be fully reconciled — and that’s okay.

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Calm Editorial Team