Why it’s okay not to be okay (and 10 tips for those messy days)

Mental Health

Sep 17

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

You don’t have to be okay all the time, especially when life is hitting you hard. Learn why it can be tough to accept struggle, and 10 tips to help you cope during these moments.

Some days—and in some seasons of life—life is just tough. You may experience a series of stressful events in a day or week that push you to your breaking point, or you may be navigating a difficult chapter, such as the recent loss of a relationship or a loved one. Despite all of this, you still smiled when someone asked how you’re doing, because what else are you supposed to say? But deep down, you know the truth: You’re not okay. And you don’t know how to admit it.

Maybe you’ve been taught to push through your discomfort, to stay busy, keep it positive, and be the reliable one. Maybe it feels safer to hide behind being “fine” than to be honest about what’s actually going on. Whatever the reason, the pressure to be okay all the time can be crushing, and the shame of not being okay can be even heavier.

But the truth is that not being okay isn’t a failure. It’s a valid part of the human experience, and your mental health doesn’t need to look tidy to be real. Let's talk about what “it’s okay not to be okay” really means, why it’s so hard to accept, and ways you can care for yourself when everything feels heavy.

What does “it’s okay not to be okay” actually mean?

The phrase “it’s okay not to be okay” is about giving yourself permission to struggle without shame. It means acknowledging that emotional pain, overwhelm, and uncertainty are natural responses to life’s ebbs and flows.

When you say this phrase, you’re letting go of the pressure to be functional, productive, and emotionally polished at all times. You’re saying that being human includes moments of feeling stuck, hopelessly sad, and what feels like eternal confusion.

Not being okay could look like anything from canceling plans last minute because you’re mentally fried to crying in the shower to feeling numb at work or snapping at people you love and then spiraling into guilt.

This phrase is a reminder that mental health isn’t a binary between “fine” and “crisis.” In fact, most of us live in the in-between, and this phrase is an invitation to meet yourself wherever you are on that spectrum.

Why it’s so hard to let ourselves struggle

Even when you know that struggling is something everyone deals with, it can still be incredibly hard to give yourself permission to actually feel it. Here are four reasons why:

You were taught to hide distress: If you were praised for being an easy kid or taught not to cry, you might have internalized the idea that feeling bad is something to manage quietly. Now, when real pain shows up, your reflex could be to minimize it.

You’ve internalized a culture of over-functioning: Our world equates worth with output, and this narrative rewards burnout and punishes rest. As a result, when you hit a wall emotionally, it can feel like personal failure, rather than an inevitable signal that your body needs care.

Perfectionism has rewired your emotional tolerance: If your self-worth hinges on being capable and calm, then falling apart, even briefly, can feel like losing control. You may even find yourself micromanaging your emotions and trying to fix them instead of feeling them.

Your identity is built around being the strong one: It can feel disorienting to admit you’re not okay if you’re used to holding it together for others, but being honest about your struggle doesn’t make you less dependable.

How to support yourself: 10 tips for messy mental health days

When your body is running on fumes, even the simplest task can feel impossible. Thankfully, there are low-effort ways you can start feeling like yourself again, even on your messiest days. Here are 10 tips to care for yourself when you’re not okay.

1. Stop trying to feel better immediately

Remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, even if it’s contradictory, inconvenient, or takes a while to process. Emotions are complex. Let them be.

It’s also important to trust your own feedback. If meditation or movement makes you agitated right now, it’s okay to skip it and opt for something else that sounds more appealing.

💙 Let yourself feel whatever you feel by listening to the Care for Feeling Low session with Jeff Warren.

2. Scale things down dramatically

On tough days, consider downsizing your to-do list and filling it with only essentials like feeding yourself, taking your meds, and getting some sunshine for a few minutes. Everything else can wait.

It can also be helpful to pick just one “need to” activity, like brushing your teeth, and one “nice to” activity, like texting a friend. Then let that be enough.

3. Make your environment a little softer

Tiny shifts in your environment can make your space feel safer to fall apart in. To make yourself feel more comfortable, consider tossing some laundry into a basket so it’s out of sight or lighting a candle. You could also just open a window or turn off notifications.

4. Use sensory grounding when you feel untethered

Anxiety and depression can make you feel like you’ve lost your footing in the real world. To bring yourself back to your body, try different grounding tactics, like holding an ice cube or wrapping yourself in a blanket like a burrito.

5. Talk to yourself like you would a friend

When the inner critic ramps up, counter it with care. You wouldn’t shame a friend for struggling, so why do it to yourself? It can also be a nice practice to reframe your mindset. Instead of saying something like, “What’s wrong with me?” try, “This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”

6. Try the 5% rule to bring comfort

Make it easy on yourself by asking, “What would make today 5% more bearable?” And whatever your answer may be, try your best to do it. You might put on comfortable clothes, sit in the sun for five minutes, or rewatch a comfort show instead of doomscrolling.

7. Nourish yourself and fuel your body

It’s common for your appetite to vanish when you’re feeling low, but your body still needs fuel to function. To make sure you’re still nourishing your body, consider reaching for some low-effort snacks like crackers and cheese, toast with peanut butter, or a protein bar and some water. Grab-and-go fruits, like apples or grapes, can also give your body a natural boost when you’re feeling lethargic.

8. Reach out to someone you trust

Send a text or make a call to a trusted family member or friend when you’re not feeling okay. This can help you feel slightly less alone, especially if you make plans to see them in the future, either in person or virtually.

You could say something quick like, “Hey, today is hard. Can we talk later?” or “Can you send a funny picture?” You could even ask for a casual coffee date in the coming days to connect in person and spend time outside of your home.

9. Move your body

Gentle movement can shake out the emotional static that’s built up in your body. Even if you don’t have the energy to go on a proper walk in the park, there are some lighter movements you could do to tap into your physical body. Prioritize walking to the mailbox, resting in a single yoga pose, or swaying to music with your eyes closed.

💙 Embrace light activity with Mel Mah’s Mindful Movement guided exercise.

10. Give your brain something neutral to hold

When thoughts spiral, distract yourself with something low-stakes. You could try playing a simple puzzle game, like Sudoku or Tetris, listening to an ambient playlist, or reading a comfort book you’ve already finished.

It's okay not to be okay FAQs

How can I give permission to not be okay?

Start by noticing the moment you feel yourself tensing up or saying things like, “I’m fine,” even though you’re clearly not. This is usually a signal that you’re suppressing something real. Then, pause and take a breath.

You could say something to yourself like, “This is a lot,” or “I’m not okay right now.” This can be the beginning of self-permission. Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone else to validate your experience in order for it to be real.

How can I let go of perfection and just feel what I feel?

Perfectionists love structure and control, which means emotional messiness can often feel threatening. But letting go simply means expanding your definition of what’s allowed.

It also helps to treat emotions like the weather. They move through, they shift, and they don’t always make sense in the moment. Another helpful way to let go is to give yourself room to feel without solving. This could mean journaling, crying in the car, or just admitting to a friend that you’re overwhelmed.

What if I feel stuck mentally all the time?

If you’re feeling stuck, your system is likely overloaded. And if this feeling is constant, it could point to something deeper, like burnout, anxiety, depression, or chronic stress.

Consider talking to a therapist if you’re feeling this way. You could also make small shifts, like changing your environment or routine, to help you get a little traction.

How can I cope when I feel emotionally overwhelmed?

When your emotions are peaking, you need to regulate your nervous system. To bring yourself back to balance, do some grounding techniques, like pressing your feet into the floor or running cold water over your hands. You could also slowly exhale or lie down with a heavy blanket.

Once your body feels even a little more settled, begin to name what you’re feeling without judgment. But if naming is too hard, continue to rest. It’s okay to just do nothing for a while.

Is it normal to have mental health ups and downs?

It’s absolutely normal to have ups and downs. Mental health can shift based on sleep, hormones, grief, climate, relationships, and even what you had for lunch.

In general, what matters most when it comes to your mental health is not keeping things stable all the time, but learning how to respond to the fluctuations with care instead of panic.

What are emotional resilience tips for chronic stress and burnout?

Emotional resilience is about creating conditions to keep coming back to yourself. This could mean building in two-minute breath breaks during the day, saying no more often, or identifying one trusted person you can vent to without needing to be polite.

Recovery from burnout is a slow and deliberate process of softening where you can and asking for help when you need it. The most resilient thing you can do is stop pretending you’re okay when you’re not.

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mental health

Calm Editorial Team