Do age gaps in relationships matter? Here's what to consider
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
If there's a small (or large) amount of years between you and your partner, you may wonder if it really matters. Explore the pros and cons of age gaps in relationships.
When partners have big (or even small) age gaps in their relationship, it often sparks a mix of curiosity, fascination, and, unfortunately, judgement from the outside world. But just because it may be unfamiliar, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad or wrong.
Love is sometimes found in unexpected places and more often than not, the best relationships look nothing like the ones we day dreamed of in our youth. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time, or when you’re finally happy on your own. And sometimes you make an “unconventional” connection with someone older or younger than you that just feels right.
Of course, there are some common obstacles couples with an age gap may face, and some potentially serious dynamics to look out for. But, at the end of the day, the most important parts of a legal, consenting adult relationship usually come down to much more than age. Let’s dive in.
Do relationship age gaps matter?
A healthy relationship is built on shared values, good communication, and mutual support — which technically has little to do with how many candles are on your (or your partner’s) birthday cake. But of course, age can impact your goals and how you think about a partnership, which could affect how you and your partner see eye to eye. Here are a few ways age gaps can impact relationships.
Life stages and shared goals
When you and your partner are close in age, you might be looking for similar things from life, like both graduating from college, getting married, or buying your first home. But, if there’s a significant age gap, your goals and priorities may not match up as easily.
Someone in their 20s might be focused on finding their way in the world and discovering who they are, while someone in their 40s might be more established in their career and settled in the place they’ll call their forever home.
These differences don’t make a relationship impossible, but they can create issues. It’s important to talk openly about major decisions like careers, finances, and family planning with your partner. You’ll each need to figure out what matters most to you, and be prepared to compromise on the other stuff.
Power dynamics and equality
Age-gap relationships can also bring up concerns about power dynamics, because differences in age can influence factors like financial resources, career experience, and social status.
If the older partner holds more financial stability, the younger partner might feel dependent on them. This isn’t inherently bad but may require some discussions to ensure that everyone feels heard, respected, and valuable.
Then there’s the context of your actual age, too, and not just the gap. A five-year age gap might not seem like a big deal when one partner is 35 and the other is 40, but if one partner is 18 and the other is 23, it might raise eyebrows. This could be in part because of the different life stages a person is in. (A 35 and 40 year old are more likely to be in a similar life stage than an 18 and 25 year old.) At that point, one might be graduating from high school while the other could be finishing a master’s degree.
Social judgment and external pressures
Society tends to have unspoken rules about what’s considered acceptable, and couples who break those norms may get criticized. Many people believe that being in the same age range brings people closer, and they can’t understand what you might have in common if you’re more than a few years apart.
Friends and family might be worried about your compatibility or assume there’s an imbalance in the relationshipAnd even people you don’t know might make unfair assumptions, like thinking the relationship is transactional or superficial.
Dealing with judgment day in and day out can wear you down, but what really counts is how you and your partner handle it together. If your relationship is balanced and healthy and both partners are taking care of each other’s needs with empathy, and clear communication then there’s no reason to listen to outside input.
Pros and cons of age gaps in relationships
No relationship is without its challenges. At the end of the day partnering with another person can be tough. Although relationships with significant age gaps might have some extra speed bumps to maneuver, they can also be very rewarding. Here are some of the upsides to dating someone who isn’t your same age.
The pros of age-gap relationships
1. Fresh perspectives and learning opportunities: Being with someone from a different generation can expose you to new viewpoints and ideas. You may find yourself learning about things you’d never considered—like new types of music—which can make your relationship more dynamic.
2. Emotional maturity: An older partner might bring emotional stability and wisdom to the relationship, while a younger partner might contribute energy and enthusiasm. This can result in a well-balanced dynamic.
3. Personal growth: Working together to understand each other’s experiences and perspectives can help you each become more empathetic, adaptable, and open-minded.
4. Breaking societal norms: Being in an age-gap relationship can empower you to live authentically and push back against societal expectations, which can be liberating.
The cons of age-gap relationships
Sometimes a difference in age is harder to manage and there might be times where you wish you were partnered with someone who was going through the same phase of life that you are. Here are some of the downsides of age-gap relationships.
1. Different priorities: Mismatched goals can become an issue in an age-gap relationship. If one partner is focused on advancing their career and the other is ready to settle down or retire, this can be tricky to navigate.
2. Social stigma and judgment: Regularly dodging comments and questions about your relationship can be hurtful, annoying, and invasive. Over time, this may wear on you and your partner.
3. Generational differences: Growing up in different eras can lead to misunderstandings. You might have different tastes, communication styles, or even views of the world, which can create barriers.
4. Health and aging concerns: The differences in your physical health and aging may become more noticeable with time, especially if one partner requires more care or support.
What to consider if there’s an age gap in your relationship
No matter how different in age you and your partner are, it’s important to approach your relationship with care and awareness. (Especially in relationships where a female partner is younger than a male partner, it can be wise to show some caution.) Here are some practical tips to help your partnership thrive, no matter the size of the gap between you.
1. Make open communication your top priority
Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. But it’s especially important if you and your partner have different expectations, priorities, or experiences. The best way to navigate these is by talking honestly and listening intently. Here are eight active listening tips to get you started.
Try this: Discuss your goals, values, and any concerns about the future as open and honest discussions can help you align your priorities so you can support each other, even if you’re in separate stages of life. It’s also important to talk about potential challenges—like how friends or family might react to your relationship—early on to be sure you’re on the same page and help prevent misunderstandings later.
💙 Practice deeper Listening with these helpful tips from Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others Series.
2. Respect each other’s differences
Age-gap relationships often mean that you and your partner grew up in different cultural or social contexts. This can lead to differences in everything from music and movies to how you approach conflict or express love.
Try this: Celebrate what makes each of you unique and use your differences as an opportunity to grow and connect. Stay curious about each other’s perspectives and have fun with it! You might introduce your partner to your favorite TV shows from childhood or learn about theirs.
3. Be prepared for outside opinions
Age-gap relationships can sometimes attract judgment or criticism. Family, friends, and even strangers might feel entitled to comment on your relationship, even though it’s usually not their place to. This can be frustrating and hurtful, but it doesn’t have to define your experience.
Try this: Decide together how to handle questions or comments from others. Some couples choose to explain their relationship, while others set firm boundaries (here’s eight tips to help) and simply ignore any negativity that comes their way. Lean on each other for support when needed. Facing judgment can be easier when you and your partner are on the same page and remind each other of the love you share.
4. Maintain balance in the relationship
If one partner has more life experience, financial resources, or social influence, you might need to work harder to build a healthy and equal partnership. You want to avoid falling into roles where one person consistently leads while the other follows. Instead, create a partnership based on mutual respect and collaboration.
Try this: Share decision-making responsibilities so both partners feel empowered to voice their opinions on everything from finances and living arrangements to what to do over the weekend or eat for dinner. Celebrate equally the strengths you each bring to your relationship, like emotional maturity or fresh perspectives.
5. Plan for the future
In age-gap relationships, health, career timelines, or family planning may look different for each partner, so it’s important to think ahead. If one partner wants children while the other doesn’t, or if the timing is a concern, have an honest conversation to find a solution that works for both of you.
Try this: Consider how aging might impact your relationship. One partner may retire or experience health changes much sooner than the other. Discuss how you’ll support each other through these transitions.
6. Keep the focus on your connection
At the end of the day, every relationship faces challenges, and age-gap relationships are no different. What matters most is the love, respect, and understanding you share with your partner. It's what makes for a strong, thriving relationship. Check out these seven core relationship values to keep in mind when times get tough.
Try this: If the attention from others is wearing you down, take some one-on-one time with your partner to talk about your relationship and your goals. Sometimes just checking in with them can reassure you that you’re with the right person.
💙 Learn how to develop Kind Communication between you and your partner to strengthen your connection during the good times and bad.
Relationship age gap FAQs
What is considered an acceptable age gap in a relationship?
There’s no universal rule about what makes an age gap “acceptable.” Some people talk about a “half-your-age-plus-seven” guideline, but it's just a social benchmark, not a hard-and-fast rule. What really matters is how comfortable both partners feel in the relationship and whether they share values, respect, and understanding.
Also, societal views on age gaps are always changing, so try not to worry about others’ opinions. Your happiness is what matters most.
Do age-gap relationships face more criticism?
If your partner is much older or younger than you, the two of you might face more scrutiny than you would if you were closer to the same age. Societal norms might mean people question whether your relationship is based on mutual respect, and they might even make unfair assumptions about who’s “in charge” or what each partner’s motivations might be.
Facing judgment can be stressful, especially if it comes from people close to you. To tackle it, focus on your connection with your partner, and decide together how you’ll handle outside opinions. Surround yourselves with supportive friends and family who respect your relationship, and don’t let the opinions of others define your happiness. You can also work to become more resilient in the face of adversity.
Here are eight ways to build your resilience today.
How can couples with big age differences address generational divides?
If there’s a big age difference between you and your partner, you’ll likely notice generational differences, but these don’t have to be a source of conflict. Instead, approach your differences with curiosity and a willingness to learn from each other:
Different cultural references: Let’s say one of you loves 80s music, while the other can’t get enough of 2000s pop. Instead of letting these differences divide you, use them as an opportunity to share your interests, and have fun together learning something new. Crank the tunes up and get dancing! (Plus, music can make you feel better, no matter the genre.)
Different attitudes: If you’ve got different work aspirations, relationship goals, or communication styles, stay open-minded and adaptable. Explore your differences with curiosity, yes, but focus mostly on the values and goals you share. And try not to get caught up in bridging every difference. What matters most is connecting emotionally (here’s how) and supporting each other.
Is a 14-year age gap too much?
A 14-year age gap might feel like a lot in a relationship, but whether it’s “too much” depends on the people involved. The success of any relationship depends on factors like shared values, compatibility, and mutual respect, so the number of years between you isn’t usually the main concern.
Think about how the age gap impacts your dynamic. Are you in similar life stages? Do your priorities feel aligned? If there are significant differences in your goals or expectations, it’s worth discussing how to navigate them together.
Age-gap relationships can thrive when both partners communicate openly and work through challenges as a team.
Does the size of the age gap matter more as couples age?
How much the age gap between you and your partner matters can change throughout your relationship. It might feel more significant in earlier stages of life, but becomes less noticeable as couples grow older.
Take a 10-year gap, for example. If you and your partner are 20 and 30, it might feel like a big difference because of your maturity and life experience. However, that same gap might feel much smaller once you reach 40 and 50 years old, because both partners are likely in similar life stages.
This can change again later in life, as larger gaps may bring challenges, such as differences in health or energy levels.
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