Self-sabotaging: what it is, causes, and how to stop
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Discover what self-sabotage is, and learn the signs and causes of self-sabotage. Plus, 8 ways to stop self-sabotaging your relationships, success, or self.
We all have times when we doubt ourselves or shy away from challenges. But when these moments become a recurring pattern, they can cause behaviors, thoughts, or actions that undermine our aspirations and wellbeing. It's known as self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage can happen in lots of areas of your life. It could be when you’re working on a big project at school or work, applying for a new job, sticking to a health and fitness routine, or even building a relationship. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you’ll find any excuse not to continue. It's almost like an invisible force pushing you in the opposite direction to where you want to go. Self-sabotage prevents you from achieving your goals or enjoying life to the utmost.
What is self-sabotage?
You’ve probably heard the phrase self-sabotage before but understanding what it is and why it happens can make it easier to recognize and work through for yourself. Self-sabotaging behavior is more than procrastinating on a task you don’t want to do. It refers to actions or thought patterns (both conscious or subconscious,) that interfere with your long-term goals and overall wellbeing. Experiences of self-sabotaging behavior can occur with work goals, personal projects, and relationships.
Why you might be self-sabotaging
Sometimes despite our best intentions, we sometimes become our own biggest obstacle. There are lots of reasons why we might find ourselves acting against the things we want and recognizing them is the first step towards solving the problem.
Fear of success: This may sound counterintuitive—after all, why would anyone be afraid of success? But for some, succeeding can bring consequences they may not want. Concerns might include heightened responsibility, greater expectations, or even a fear of eventual failure. Essentially, it's not so much the success they fear but the added pressures that come with it.
Low self-esteem: You know that voice in your head that whispers, "You're not good enough”. There are some days when it’s louder than others but if you’re hearing it consistently it could be a sign of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem often use self-sabotage as a means to make their reality align with their inner beliefs. It's a defense mechanism – if they mess up intentionally, they feel they're in control of the failure, or that it’s just an expected flaw of their character.
Avoidance of failure: Nobody likes to fail. But for some people, the fear of failure is so huge that they'd rather not try than risk disappointment. For them, it’s better to self-sabotage and have a ready excuse than to try their hardest and still not meet their high expectations.
Fear of the unknown: Change can be intimidating, even if it's positive. For some people, what's familiar can feel safe, even if uncomfortable or undesirable. Venturing outside their comfort zone is a new world they aren’t ready to explore. And as a result, they'll subconsciously pull themselves back, self-sabotaging their progress.
Worthiness issues: Some people feel they don't deserve happiness or success. It could be due to past experiences or deeply ingrained beliefs from childhood. It means that they pull away when they're close to achieving something great, believing they aren't worthy.
Understanding the root of self-sabotage is an important step in learning to overcome it. Once you can start to see the signs of self-sabotage and recognize why you experience it, you can learn how to break free. Finally, you can begin to achieve—and enjoy—success.
Signs of self-sabotaging
There are lots of signs of self-sabotage to look out for. Being able to spot them can be the first step toward addressing and defeating them.
Procrastination: Continually delaying or avoiding important tasks, even when you know that they are vital for your success.
Negative self-talk: Engaging in a persistent internal dialogue that's highly critical or demeaning to yourself.
Self-isolation: Pulling away from friends, family, or colleagues, especially in times of stress or challenge. This makes you unable to ask for—or receive—help and support.
Perfectionism: Setting unattainable standards for yourself and waiting for things to be "perfect" before progressing. This can halt the project you’re working on as always finding faults in what you do, which means you might never feel ready.
Avoiding feedback: Feeling defensive whenever criticism—even constructive criticism—is offered. If you can’t recognize feedback as a growth tool, it's a sign you might be trying to protect yourself from perceived threats to your self-worth.
Frequent feelings of regret: Dwelling on past mistakes or constantly feeling as though you've made the wrong choices can be a sign of self-sabotage.
How to stop self-sabotaging in 8 steps
Overcoming self-sabotage requires conscious effort, patience, and practice. Fortunately, there are lots of tools you can use to help stop overthinking, break the fear pattern and move forward. By embracing these tools, you're not just stopping self-sabotaging behaviors, you're setting the foundation for a more fulfilling and happier life. With awareness, understanding, and the right techniques, you can overcome self-sabotaging patterns and live life to the fullest.
1. Notice your behavioral patterns with mindfulness
Being self-aware starts with mindfulness. By being truly present in the moment, you can begin to understand your triggers and patterns. This awareness is crucial in catching yourself before slipping into unhelpful self-sabotaging habits.
💙 There are many ways to practice mindfulness but you can use our guided Mindfulness Meditation if you’re new to the practice.
2. Monitor your self-talk with positive affirmations
Challenge and change your inner critic. Whenever your inner voice criticizes you, sense-check the messages it’s giving you and create a new narrative for yourself. Build a habit of repeating empowering statements to yourself, like turning "I can't" into "I absolutely can." Positive self-talk is a skill worth learning, both for achieving your goals and for your overall wellbeing.
💙 We spend so much time affirming the people we love in our lives, but it can be harder to affirm ourselves. If this practice feels difficult, check out our session on Self-Affirmations with Jay Shetty.
3. Set achievable goals
Sometimes self-sabotage gets perpetuated by feelings that you can’t do anything right anyway so you might as well continue sabotaging yourself. In these moments it’s important to keep building up your self-esteem and self-confidence and this can be done by setting smaller, achievable goals. As you watch yourself achieve these smaller goals one after the next, you’ll feel that you actually can accomplish what you set your mind to and your self-confidence will increase. This can help increase determination and resolve to achieve bigger goals in life.
💙 If you need a little extra TLC in this department, check out our Confidence series.
4. Support your mental and physical health with helpful habits
Your daily habits matter. Your body and mind are interconnected. By nurturing your physical health through regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and routinely getting a good night’s sleep, you're supporting your mental wellbeing. And that can mean you’re more likely to find how to stop self-sabotage.
💙 If you’re looking to incorporate more mindful movement into your days, check out our collection of guided movement sessions to enhance physical activity.
5. Reflect on your dreams, values, and priorities
Dream big when it comes to your goals—visualization is about seeing your success. But remember that you’ll need to take lots of smaller steps. Reflecting on your goals each step of the way as you work to achieve them can help you stay focused and determined.
Planning your route to get there by breaking down the bigger dream into manageable stages can help you progress. And every time you complete a task, it reinforces your belief that you can overcome self-sabotage and achieve your aims.
💙 If you’re looking for some guidance on how to practice mindful reflection, try our Reflection Check-In.
6. Find an accountability buddy
Sharing your goals can make a difference in whether you achieve them. Choose an accountability partner—a buddy who can offer support when needed. They’ll also be there to celebrate the wins and successes with you and keep you motivated when things get tough.
Your accountability buddy could be a trusted friend or a mentor who’ll cheer you on. Pick someone who will be prepared to gently point out when they notice you need to make a change.
7. Practice self-compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a close friend. Remember, everyone has their setbacks. So, instead of getting caught up in negative self-talk, it’s essential to acknowledge what has gone wrong and learn from it to move forward.
💙 Being compassionate with yourself can be challenging, if you need a little guidance, check out our session of Self-Compassion.
8. Seek professional help
Sometimes, the roots of self-sabotage can be deep-seated, perhaps tied to past traumas or experiences. If you’re struggling to stop self-sabotaging, it may be a good idea to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. They can offer invaluable insights and coping strategies to help you achieve your potential.
Self-sabotaging FAQs
What is self-sabotaging behavior?
Self-sabotaging behavior refers to actions or thought patterns that, consciously or subconsciously, interfere with one's long-term goals and overall wellbeing. Examples of self-sabotage could occur around work goals, personal projects, and relationships.
What causes self-sabotaging?
There are lots of factors that can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. These range from fear of success, low self-esteem, and avoiding failure to past traumas and seeking comfort in what's familiar.
Is self-sabotaging a toxic trait?
Labeling self-sabotage as "toxic" is a bit strong, but it's certainly unhelpful. It hinders personal growth and can strain relationships. However, it's vital to approach self-sabotaging patterns with understanding and a desire to change rather than judgment.
Is self-sabotage a trauma response?
Past traumas—especially unresolved ones—can manifest in various ways, and one can be self-sabotage. It can be a subconscious attempt to avoid situations that remind you of past painful experiences. If you think your self-sabotaging behaviors might result from trauma, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor.
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