Taking a break in a relationship: why, when, and how to do it
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Being “on a break” can sometimes be healthy for a relationship. Learn how to find calm, gain clarity, and emerge stronger, whether you’re reuniting or moving on.
Sometimes, in the complicated moments of romantic relationships, we might feel the urge to hit the pause button. This decision to take a break in a relationship can be clouded with anxiety, confusion, and a flurry of other emotions.
But there are ways to get through the haze and achieve clarity before you make what could be one of the biggest decisions in your relationship — whether to reunite with your partner or move on.
What does taking a break in a relationship actually mean?
The most important ingredient for personal happiness is our relationships. But there are moments in relationships, especially romantic relationships, when things might get overwhelming.
Relationship breaks aren't the mark of failure, they can actually be stepping stones to growth. Taking time apart can give both partners the space they need for self-discovery and reflection. And that’s important both for the health of the relationship and/or the wellbeing of each person.
Is taking a break in a relationship healthy or good for the relationship?
Taking a break in a relationship can sometimes be beneficial. Here are some of the healthy discoveries you could make if you and your partner decide that taking a break is appropriate for you as individuals or for the relationship.
The benefits of taking a break in a relationship
Self-discovery: Sometimes, taking a break can help you discover parts of yourself you didn't even realize were missing. It can offer a period of introspection where you reconnect with your desires, aspirations, and personal boundaries. It can also help you cultivate self-esteem and self-compassion, both of which are important foundations for any relationship.
Room for relationship growth: Imagine pruning a shrub—it’s not about cutting away its essence but refining its beauty. A break can sometimes act as that trim, stripping the relationship back to its essentials. Unfulfilled dreams, unmet expectations, and resentments can stop a relationship in its tracks. A separation, even temporary, can help you forgive, grow, and evolve, preparing you for a healthier union.
Better communication: When you're deep in a relationship, it can be easy to feel like you’re losing yourself. A step back for some personal space can give you a clearer view, helping you communicate more effectively and understand your partner's perspective, feelings, and needs. Ironically, time apart can deepen your connection when you’re together.
When taking a break might not be so good for a relationship
Increased uncertainty: A break in a relationship can often bring ambiguity. It can stir up feelings of insecurity and doubt, making you question the future of your relationship.
Unintentional pain: If one of you thinks you should take a break, but the other doesn’t, it can lead to resentment and heartbreak.
Risk of drifting apart: There’s a possibility that a break might lead you to drift away from one another rather than closer together.
Each relationship is unique, just like the individuals within it. It’s fundamental to consider your personal circumstances, and any other factors such as religious, cultural, or family-related. For support,
💙 Calm’s Relationship with Others series can offer insights and meditations to help you through tough times.
When to take a break in a relationship
Long-term relationships can feel like they stretch ahead of you with little opportunity for a change of direction. For some people, this can feel monotonous or overwhelming. Recognizing whether to hit that pause button and take a break is a healthy step toward gaining clarity.
Signs you might need a relationship break:
You’re stuck in a loop: If you and your partner are repeating the same arguments over and over it might be time for some space. If conversations go in circles without finding a resolution, it may be a sign that both of you need time to reflect and recalibrate.
You’re dealing with challenging past experiences: Sometimes, old wounds or traumas can affect how you feel in the present. If either of you is healing or processing past experiences, a little space might just be what you need.
You need space: Sometimes in relationships you find yourself yearning for some space for yourself. Or you might feel that you’ve lost yourself in the relationship. If the only way to regain your sense of self is to take a break, then it might be the right decision. Even those in committed partnerships still need autonomy from time to time.
There’s a communication issue: If the days of being able to finish each other’s sentences seem to have been replaced by feeling like you're speaking different languages, a break might help in revisiting and understanding each other’s love languages.
Remember the importance of communication if you're considering taking a break in your relationship. Discuss the idea of a break openly with your partner so you can consider their feelings and concerns. This ensures that the decision is consensual and understood by both of you. Remember: a break is not about escaping from your relationship. Rather, it's an opportunity to better understand yourself and your partner.
7 tips for taking a mindful break in a relationship
Deciding to take a relationship break is a bold step, but it can sometimes be just what's needed. How do you ensure a break achieves its purpose without descending into a breakup? Here are 7 tips to help you navigate a relationship break.
Whatever you do, keep in mind that taking a break in a relationship isn’t the end-game but rather a means to obtain a clear perspective on what you both need. Whether it leads to reconciliation or a realization that you're better apart, what's important is taking the time to figure it out.
Finding peace amidst the turmoil of a relationship break can be challenging. But with understanding, patience, and the right tools, it's possible to emerge stronger, together or apart.
1. Set ground rules
Clear communication is vital, even when you're taking a break. How much contact will you have? Are you open to seeing other people during this period? Navigating a break without a roadmap can lead you both into confusion and misunderstandings. Make the rules clear, write them down if it makes it easier, and—most importantly—stick to them.
💙 To explore more about setting personal boundaries, explore this session on boundaries from our Relationship with Others series.
2. Make the most of your alone time
It's important to invest this newfound space and time for yourself. Whether you’re picking up a hobby you've neglected or catching up on some much-needed sleep, the point is to use this time to recharge your batteries.
💙 Try one of our Self-Care Meditations to guide you through this time in solitude.
3. Reflect on your emotions and values
A break from your relationship is a chance to refresh and re-evaluate. What do you truly want from this relationship? Where are you falling short, and where are you excelling? This is where mindfulness can really help out. Keeping a daily gratitude journal during this period can be transformative. Exploring your emotions enables you to have a better understanding of yourself and your relationship.
💙 Use our Feelings Wheel to help you navigate any complex feelings that come up. You can also use one of our Calm Journals to help you express and process any of those feelings.
4. Decide on how much communication you’ll have
While a break implies distance, it doesn't necessarily mean complete isolation unless that’s the decision you come to. Communication is the bedrock of any relationship but people’s communication needs during a break can vary from person to person. While a check-in here and there can be healthy for some people, it may be more beneficial for others to avoid contact. Discuss this in advance and do what works for you both.
5. Be kind to yourself (and your partner)
Taking a break doesn't give you a free pass to be indifferent or cold toward your partner. Always handle each other's feelings with care and consideration. It’s also important to practice kindness with yourself. Breaks in relationships can bring up a lot of tough feelings and it’s important that you practice compassion as you move through them.
💙 When you’re feeling all the feels it might be tough to stay kind in your communications. Check out this session on Kind Communication with Tamara Levitt.
6. Evaluate and discuss the relationship break
When the break ends, take a moment to assess how it went. What have you learned? Are you ready to recommit, or do you need more time? Coming back together to talk this through is just as crucial as the decision to take the relationship break in the first place.
7. Get support from a relationship counselor or mediator
Sometimes, the issues at hand are too complex for a simple timeout. Or maybe a relationship break isn't the right choice for you and your partner. If that's the case, look for professional help, like a counselor or a therapist. They can offer a neutral ground for both parties to express their concerns and seek solutions.
Taking a break in a relationship FAQs
How long should a break in a relationship last?
There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer for the length of a relationship break. For some, a few days are enough to gain clarity, while others might need a few weeks or even months. Setting a tentative time frame at the beginning is key to avoid any uncertainty. Perhaps start with a week and evaluate how you feel from there.
Do you talk during a relationship break?
Whether you talk to your partner—and how much—depends on the ground rules you've set. Some couples decide on complete radio silence to clear their heads, while others choose to check in now and then. Whatever you decide, ensure both of you are on the same page to avoid misunderstandings.
What's considered taking a break in a relationship?
Taking a break means intentionally creating space between you and your partner for reflection and clarity. It’s not breaking up, it's pressing pause. It can help things become clearer. But remember, the aim of a break is to work on yourself or assess the relationship dynamics without the regular pressures of the relationship. Punishing your partner or seeking to prove a point through a relationship doesn’t help your relationship in the long run.
What are the rules of a break?
The rules of a relationship break can vary based on what you and your partner decide. Common ground rules often include the break duration, limiting or pausing communication, whether you'll see other people, and setting times to check in and discuss feelings. The crucial thing is that the rules are clear, and both partners agree, so nobody feels confused or unprepared.
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