7 signs your parents might be toxic (and how to deal with them)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Are you struggling with a challenging parent? Here's how to know if your parents are (actually) toxic and 7 tips to help you deal with, and heal from, them.
Most of us grew up in a home with parents who occasionally did things that they probably shouldn't have. Maybe they yelled when they got angry, gave out punishments that you didn’t think were fair, or were too distant — and the list goes on. In many cases, this type of behavior is pretty normal. After all, nobody’s perfect, including your mom and dad.
But it’s also possible that you grew up with toxic parents, and the scars from your childhood can last well into adulthood. You may struggle with maintaining self-esteem, developing healthy relationships, or even anxiety and depression.
So how do you know if your parents are toxic? And if they are, how can you begin to heal?
What is a toxic parent?
A toxic parent is someone whose chronic behavior inflicts emotional, mental, or physical harm on their child. They might be manipulative, controlling, or unstable, and they might not always recognize what they’re doing or how their actions are impacting their kids. This could be a mother, father, or primary caregiver such as a step-parent, grandparent or other relative.
The term is an imperfect one — it might feel harsh or overly simplified — but it can be a helpful way to describe harmful behavior. If you suspect that your mother or father is toxic, know that it’s likely because they’re coping with their own unresolved trauma, mental health issues, or stress. There’s no excuse for bad behavior, but recognizing the cause can help you to understand them—and yourself—better.
Do you have a toxic parent? 7 characteristics to look out for
Identifying whether your parent is toxic can be a difficult task, especially if you’ve normalized their behavior over the years as a way to cope. Here are some behaviors that may be considered toxic.
Constant criticism: Frequently belittling or criticizing, making you feel inadequate or unworthy
Manipulation: Using guilt or other emotional tactics to control your decisions and behavior
Lack of boundaries: Invading your privacy or disrespecting your personal boundaries
Emotional unavailability: Neglecting your emotional needs or making everything about their own feelings
Unpredictability: Mood swings and inconsistent behavior that creates an unstable, stressful environment
Playing the victim: Refusing to take responsibility for their actions, blaming you or others for their issues
Excessive control: Trying to control your life decisions, even into adulthood, making you feel trapped or dependent
What are the effects of having a toxic parent?
Growing up with a difficult parent can leave deep emotional wounds that often last into adulthood. The experience can affect how you see yourself, how you interact with others, and how you view the world.
While these effects can be painful and difficult to work through, it’s never too late to start building your self-esteem and improving your relationships. Here are some of the telltale signs that you might have a toxic parent(s).
Low self-esteem
Is your parent often making passive-aggressive remarks about your physical appearance or career successes? If you grew up with someone who constantly criticized you, downplayed your successes, or made belittling remarks, you may second-guess yourself or feel like no matter what you do, you’ll never be enough to meet their expectations — or anyone else’s.
Difficulty with boundaries
If your parent(s) never gave you privacy or autonomy or dismissed your emotional needs, you might struggle to establish healthy boundaries in other relationships. You might feel guilty for saying "no," or unsure about what you need — and in the future, you could overextend yourself to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. If this sounds like you, here are six tips on how to set boundaries in your relationships.
Anxiety and depression
The emotional burden of dealing with a toxic parent—whether it's walking on eggshells around them or constantly seeking their approval—can cause stress. If you feel constant pressure to be a perfect student, excel in sports, or just be someone you’re not, you could develop anxiety or depression. (Here are seven ways to find relief.)
People-pleasing tendencies
If you were raised to prioritize your parent’s needs or avoid triggering their anger, you might have a tendency to put others first, often at your expense. For example, if a child tells their parents that they can’t go out for dinner because they have a project to finish, and the parent calls them selfish, they may think twice before voicing their needs again. Learn how to stop people-pleasing and start standing up for yourself.
Fear of conflict
If your parent had explosive anger or avoided conflict altogether, you might grow up afraid of confrontation — especially if you never knew what might set them off. As an adult, you might avoid difficult conversations, which can lead to frustration and resentment in relationships — or have trouble voicing your needs.
Strained sibling relationships
Toxic parents sometimes pit siblings against one another, either by playing favorites or comparing their children in negative ways. Even off-handed remarks like, “Your brother would never act like this,” or, “If only you could be more like your sister” can breed resentment, lead to jealousy, and in some cases, create lifelong tension.
How to deal with a toxic parent: 7 mindful tips to help you heal
Dealing with a toxic parent can be exhausting, but there are ways to protect yourself and begin the healing process. Remember, you’re not responsible for their behavior and you can’t force them to change. Still, you can take steps to heal, feel better, and prevent them from causing further hurt.
1. Set boundaries with them
Toxic parents often don’t respect limits, so say clearly what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Tell them if certain topics are off-limits—politics and religion might be especially tricky for some—or that you need space when they become too critical or controlling. Boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve never set them before, but they’re essential for protecting your mental health.
💙 Learn how to set Boundaries in Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others series.
2. Limit contact with your parents if you need to
You don’t have to cut a toxic parent out of your life completely (unless you want to), but limiting contact can give you a break to take care of yourself. If spending too much time with them leaves you drained or anxious, keep your visits short, and consider having other people around for buffers.
💙 Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs. Learn to trust yourself more with our Relationship with Self series.
3. Don’t engage in arguments that you know you won’t win
Toxic parents may try to provoke you into arguments or emotional confrontations. They might criticize you, or guilt-trip you into reacting. They might even say something purposely offensive—a comment about your appearance or beliefs, for example—just to spark an argument. Although it can be hard, stay calm, disengage, and walk away. If you need more guidance, here are five tips to slow down and respond rather than react.
💙 When you start to feel heated, take a deep breath and calm down — and recall the advice Chibs Okereke gives in his Non-Reactivity meditation.
4. Talk to a therapist to support your mental health
A counselor can give you the tools and guidance to help you navigate your relationship with your toxic parent. Together, you can work through any guilt, anger, or sadness you may feel, and help you develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy can also help you understand how your parent’s behavior has affected your sense of self and how you relate to others.
5. Focus on self-care to boost your self-worth
Nurture your wellbeing by practicing mindfulness, journaling, exercising, or spending time with people who uplift you. Prioritize what makes you feel good and restores your energy. Check out these 20+ self-care practices to help you prioritize your wellbeing.
💙 Learn how to prioritize yourself—and your wellbeing—with Lama Rod Owens 10-day Radical Self-Care series.
6. Accept what you can’t change and know when to let go
Accept the reality that you can’t change your parent’s behavior. Once you release the expectation that they’ll change, you can focus on what you can control: your reactions, your boundaries, and your healing. You might also want to try these 10 ways to feel more control of your life.
💙 Learning to accept the world around you can take some practice — and Jeff Warren shares some guidance on where to start in his Acceptance meditation.
7. Consider cutting ties if you need to (this could only be temporary)
In some cases, your relationship with a toxic parent may be so damaging that you decide to cut ties entirely. This is a personal decision, so take time to consider it carefully.
If your parent’s behavior is causing you severe emotional distress and all attempts to set boundaries or manage the relationship have failed, it’s okay to walk away. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them — you’re just putting your wellbeing first. Here are 10 ways to end a toxic relationship.
💙 Putting some distance between yourself and a parent can be an emotional process. Tamara Levitt’s Emotions series—with installments on grief, waves of change, and self-soothing, among others—can help you cope.
Toxic parents FAQs
How can you tell if you have a toxic parent?
If you’ve lived with a toxic parent for a long time, it can be tough to know if their behavior is normal — or just normal for them.
A toxic parent often uses manipulation, criticism, or control as a way to dominate or influence your life, leaving you feeling inadequate or emotionally drained. You may notice that conversations frequently end in guilt trips, or that your parent dismisses your feelings altogether.
If you’re constantly afraid of their reactions, or feel responsible for their emotional wellbeing, you may be dealing with a toxic parent. Trust your feelings — if their behavior consistently makes you feel small, guilty, or stressed, you might need to reevaluate the relationship.
What's the difference between strict parenting and toxic parenting?
Strict parenting and toxic parenting aren’t the same, even though they can sometimes look similar. The core difference is that strict parenting is grounded in love and care, while toxic parenting causes emotional harm and can leave a child feeling unsupported.
Strict parents tend to enforce firm rules and high expectations, often because they want to teach responsibility, discipline, and structure. Still, they’re also respectful and supportive, and they balance discipline with care and empathy.
On the other hand, toxic parents may use control and punishment as a way to dominate or manipulate. They’re often emotionally unavailable, excessively critical, and may undermine your self-esteem, creating a dynamic where their authority is used to diminish you rather than help you.
Can a toxic parent change their behavior?
A toxic parent can change, but only if they want to — and that’s not a given. Many toxic parents don’t see themselves as the problem, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
The best thing you can do is focus on your own boundaries and healing, regardless of what they do. If they do show a willingness to change, approach the situation with realistic expectations and continue to protect your emotional health.
Is it okay to cut ties with a toxic parent?
It’s okay to cut ties with a toxic parent if the relationship is causing you significant harm. Many people struggle with feelings of guilt, fear, or societal pressure to maintain family relationships, but your mental health and wellbeing must come first. If your efforts to set boundaries or improve the relationship have failed, an estrangement can help you heal and protect yourself.
This can be a temporary break to give yourself space, or it may become a permanent decision. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your parent, just that you’re prioritizing your mental health.
How does toxic parenting affect sibling relationships?
In some families, toxic parents can strain sibling relationships. They may create rivalry by playing favorites or pitting siblings against one another, causing jealousy or competition. For example, one sibling may be seen as the “golden child” while the other is scapegoated, which can cause long-lasting feelings of resentment or inferiority. Toxic parents may also use siblings as pawns in their emotional manipulation, turning them against each other to maintain control.
In some cases, siblings may become closer as they bond over their shared experiences with a toxic parent. But even in these situations, the hurt can run deep, and it might take time and effort for siblings to untangle the effects of the toxic environment on their relationship with one another. Brothers and sisters may need time apart to heal individually, or family therapy to help rebuild healthier dynamics.
The good news is that, with open communication and understanding, many siblings can find ways to reconnect.
What are some signs that you are healing from a toxic parent?
Healing from a toxic parent is a gradual process, but there are key signs you're making progress.
You may begin to feel more confident in asserting your needs, which can lead you to set healthy boundaries without feeling intense guilt.
As you stop seeking your toxic parent’s approval and start valuing yourself more, your self-esteem can improve.
You feel more emotionally detached from your toxic parent, and instead of reacting strongly to their negativity, you’re focusing on your own growth, happiness, and relationships. (Here are five ways to rediscover joy.)
You start understanding how your past shaped you, and feel more at peace and hopeful about your future.
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