5 signs of a toxic relationship (and how to end them)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore what a toxic relationship is, including the common signs and behaviors. Plus, how to end different types of toxic relationships and find healing.
Relationships are a foundational part of our lives, but not all of them are healthy. When a relationship turns toxic, it can affect our wellbeing and happiness. Understanding toxic relationships can be the first step in helping you find healing and healthier connections.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that consistently undermines your sense of wellbeing, happiness, and, at times, safety. Occasional disagreements or conflicts are normal in any relationship, but a continual pattern of emotional harm, disrespect, and manipulation can lead to deterioration in mental and emotional health.
Characteristics of a toxic relationship
1. Lack of support: Instead of feeling uplifted and encouraged, interactions often leave you feeling belittled, inadequate, or sabotaged.
2. Persistent unhappiness: The relationship is plagued by constant tension, arguments, or feelings of dissatisfaction.
3. Communication breakdown: Communication often turns into insults, accusations, or complete silence, leaving issues unresolved and feelings unheard.
4. Control and dominance: A partner may dictate who the other can see, what they can do, or how they should think and feel. This control is a significant red flag of a toxic dynamic.
5. Neglect and manipulation: Emotional needs are consistently disregarded, and manipulation often keeps one partner in a state of compliance or guilt.
The impact of staying in a toxic relationship
Staying in a toxic relationship can have profound effects on your mental, emotional, and sometimes physical health. It can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The constant stress and negativity can lead to symptoms like insomnia, changes in appetite, or chronic health issues. Toxic relationships can cause isolation, making it harder to reach out for help when you need it most.
Toxic behavior in relationships: Identifying toxic relationship patterns
Toxic behaviors in relationships can affect not just the emotional and psychological wellbeing of those involved, but also their physical health and social connections. Recognizing these behaviors is important in identifying toxic relationships and taking steps toward healthier interactions.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to make someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It's a form of psychological abuse where the abuser denies the victim's experience, insisting that events didn’t happen or that the victim is being overly sensitive or misremembering events. This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of confidence in one’s own judgment.
Degrading
Degrading makes someone feel worthless through belittling comments, mockery, or criticism. This behavior can severely impact a person’s self-esteem, making them feel inferior or unworthy of respect and love. It’s often used as a control mechanism to diminish the victim's sense of self and maintain power.
Hypercritical
Being hypercritical refers to the persistent criticism of everything one does, often focusing on minor issues or creating problems where none exist. This can lead to a feeling of being perpetually flawed or never good enough, undermining the victim’s confidence and autonomy.
Blaming
In toxic relationships, one partner may shift all blame onto the other, refusing to acknowledge their own mistakes. This can create a one-sided narrative where the victim is always at fault, leading to guilt and a skewed sense of responsibility for the relationship's issues.
Jealousy
Excessive or irrational jealousy can manifest as possessiveness, unfounded accusations of flirting or infidelity, and demands to limit social interactions or friendships.
Suspicion
Constant suspicion without reason undermines trust, which is a fundamental component of healthy relationships. This behavior can lead to invasive questioning, checking messages, or sifting through your partner’s emails.
Controlling
Controlling behavior can include dictating what the other person can wear, who they can see, where they can go, their decisions and opinions. This dominance strips the victim of their autonomy and freedom, making them feel trapped and powerless.
Egocentricity
In a toxic relationship, one partner may act as if everything revolves around them, their needs, and their feelings, while disregarding or minimizing their partner's needs.
5 signs of a toxic relationship
Recognizing toxic relationship signs is not always easy, but acknowledging these patterns is a big step toward making informed decisions about your relationship's future. Whether it involves seeking help, setting boundaries, or considering ending the relationship, prioritizing your wellbeing is essential.
1. Feeling unsafe or on edge
In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe and secure, both physically and emotionally. If you find yourself constantly on edge, anxious about how your partner will react, or worried about provoking anger, it's a sign that the relationship is not a safe space for you.
2. Consistently disrespected
If you often feel disrespected, whether through words, actions, or disregard for your boundaries and feelings, it's a clear sign that it’s not a healthy relationship. Disrespect can include public humiliation, private belittlement, or simply ignoring your wishes and needs.
3. Gaslighting and blame shifting
In toxic relationships, one partner may find themselves always blamed, regardless of the situation. This can lead to a distorted sense of self and responsibility for things beyond your control. Being in a submissive or guilty state can prevent you from asserting your needs or rights. In many cases that blame comes with gaslighting (purposefully making you question reality.)
4. Isolated from friends and family
Isolation is a powerful tool in toxic relationships. It can start subtly but eventually lead to being cut off from your support network, making you less likely to seek help or exit the relationship.
5. Manipulation and diminished self-esteem
A significant sign of a toxic relationship can be a noticeable decline in self-esteem. If you find yourself feeling worthless, doubting your abilities, or believing you don't deserve better treatment, it's often because of the negative, critical, or dismissive behavior of your partner.
6 types of toxic relationships
Recognizing the specific type of toxic relationship you might be in is crucial for finding the best approach to addressing it. Whether it's seeking professional help, setting firm boundaries, or leaving the relationship, your wellbeing and safety should be your first priority.
1. Abusive relationships
Abusive relationships are when one partner exerts power and control over the other through physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. This type of relationship is dangerous and can have severe physical and psychological effects on the victim.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, seek immediate help and support to ensure your safety.
💙 You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 (800) 799-7233. If you are in the UK, there are additional resources.
2. Codependent relationships
Codependency is where one partner excessively relies on the other for approval and a sense of identity. This dynamic can result in neglecting personal needs, boundaries, and self-worth. Codependent relationships can prevent both partners from experiencing growth and individuality.
3. Relationships marked by infidelity
When one partner repeatedly cheats, it can create a cycle of betrayal, hurt, and often, reconciliation, without addressing the underlying issues. This pattern can keep the relationship in a constant state of turmoil.
4. Relationships with addiction
When one partner struggles with addiction, whether to substances, gambling, or other behaviors, it can create a toxic environment filled with neglect, abuse, or enabling behaviors. The addiction often becomes the central focus of the relationship, overshadowing the needs and wellbeing of both partners.
5. Competing or jealous relationships
When one or both partners feel a constant need to compete with each other rather than support each other's successes, that’s a sign of toxicity. Jealousy can arise from comparing achievements, appearances, or attention within the relationship, leading to resentment and conflict.
6. Emotionally manipulative relationships
A partner uses emotional manipulation to control or influence the other's behavior. Tactics may include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim to justify their behavior or decisions, creating a dynamic where one partner is always conceding or compromising their needs and desires.
How to leave a toxic relationship safely
Leaving a toxic relationship can be incredibly challenging. Emotional attachment, fear of loneliness, financial dependence, or the hope that the partner will change can all act as powerful anchors, keeping someone tethered to a harmful situation. The cycle of toxicity can erode self-confidence and decision-making abilities, making the prospect of leaving seem daunting or even impossible.
Ending a toxic relationship requires courage, planning, and support, but it’s a pivotal step toward a healthier, happier life. Remember that you're not alone, and there are resources available to help you. Prioritizing your wellbeing and happiness is not only a right but a step toward fulfilling relationships that bring joy and support into your life.
1. Recognize the need for change
The first step in ending a toxic relationship is acknowledging that the relationship is harmful and that you deserve better. This can be difficult, especially when strong emotions are involved, but it's essential for your wellbeing and happiness.
💙 Practice seeing, and being with, the truth of your relationship in this session on Deep Acceptance.
2. Seek support
Leaving a toxic relationship can be difficult and in some cases even dangerous if not done safely. To start don’t try to do it without support. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can offer emotional support and guidance.
💙 Learn how to get the support you really need from others in the Asking for Help session of the Daily Jay.
3. Create a safety plan
If the relationship involves abuse or you fear for your safety, create a safety plan. This might include saving money, finding a safe place to stay, and having a list of emergency contacts. Organizations that support people in abusive relationships can offer guidance and resources.
4. Practice gradual disengagement
In some cases, it might be best to slowly reduce contact and distance yourself from the toxic relationship. This approach can be less confrontational and give you time to adjust emotionally and logistically to the change.
5. Direct conversation
When possible and safe, a direct conversation about your decision to end the relationship can provide closure. This discussion should be planned, focusing on your feelings and needs rather than blaming the other person. Express your decision, and don’t negotiate or be persuaded otherwise.
6. Cut off contact
If your safety or wellbeing are at risk, cutting off contact may be necessary. Block phone numbers, emails, and social media connections to protect yourself from further harm.
7. Seek professional help
Counselors or therapists can provide support and strategies for ending a toxic relationship. They can also help you build self-esteem, develop healthier relationship patterns, and process your feelings in a safe environment.
8. Focus on self-care
Ending a toxic relationship can be an emotionally draining process. Prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that promote your wellbeing, such as exercise, hobbies, meditation, or spending time with loved ones.
💙 Go back to basics and discover the tools to nourish yourself during the Radical Self-Care series.
9. Reflect and learn
After leaving a toxic relationship, take time to reflect on the experience and learn from it. Understanding what went wrong and recognizing red flags can help you avoid similar situations in the future and build healthier relationships.
💙 Find opportunities for growth amidst your challenges in the Learning From Setbacks session of the Daily Jay.
Toxic vs. healthy relationships
Recognizing the difference between toxic and healthy relationships starts with understanding the feels and the patterns of behavior involved in each.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. They make you feel safe, valued, and supported.
Toxic relationships often involve control, manipulation, or constant criticism, leaving you drained or insecure. Here are some differences between healthy and toxic relationships.
Communication
Healthy: Open, respectful, and focused on understanding.
Toxic: Full of blame, avoidance, or the silent treatment.
Trust
Healthy: Partners trust each other without constant questioning.
Toxic: Jealousy and suspicion dominate interactions.
Support
Healthy: Encouragement for personal growth and independence.
Toxic: Control over choices or discouragement of individual goals.
Conflict Resolution
Healthy: Conflicts are addressed constructively and lead to solutions.
Toxic: Arguments escalate and often end in unresolved resentment.
Emotional Impact
Healthy: You feel secure, valued, and loved.
Toxic: You feel anxious, drained, or unworthy.
Toxic relationships FAQs
How to know if you’re in a toxic relationship?
Key signs that you're in a toxic relationship include feeling drained instead of uplifted, frequent disrespect or verbal abuse, and a persistent imbalance of power where your needs and feelings are sidelined. Other signs involve walking on eggshells to avoid conflicts, diminished self-esteem, and isolation from friends and family. If you notice these signs, take a step back and assess the health of the relationship. Reflecting on your feelings and the overall impact the relationship has on your life and wellbeing can help clarify whether it's toxic.
Can you fix toxic relationships?
Fixing a toxic relationship is possible but requires effort from both partners. The process begins with open, honest communication about the issues at hand. Both people must be willing to acknowledge their roles in the toxicity, commit to making substantial changes, and often seek professional help to guide them through the process. Setting boundaries, improving communication skills, and rebuilding trust are important steps. Not all toxic relationships can or should be fixed, especially if there's abuse involved or if one partner is unwilling to change. In such cases, prioritizing your safety and wellbeing by leaving the relationship may be the healthiest option.
Do toxic relationships have love?
Love in a toxic relationship can be genuine, but it's frequently mixed with fear, dependency, and control, making it hard to distinguish from emotional manipulation. The intense highs and lows associated with toxic dynamics can also mimic feelings of passion, which some might mistake for love. True love is based on respect, trust, and mutual support, which are qualities often lacking in toxic relationships.
Do toxic people know they are toxic?
Awareness of a person’s own toxic behavior varies greatly. Some may be fully aware of their harmful actions but lack the motivation or means to change. Others might be in denial, justifying their behavior as necessary or provoked. Sometimes people are genuinely unaware of the impact of their actions. Regardless of their awareness, it's important for those on the receiving end of toxic behavior to protect their wellbeing, whether that means addressing the issues, setting boundaries, or distancing themselves from the relationship.
Why do people stay in toxic relationships?
There are several reasons why people might stay in toxic relationships, often rooted in emotional, psychological, and sometimes practical factors. These include:
Fear of being alone
Financial dependency
Low self-esteem
Cycle of abuse
Children and family pressures
Love and the hope that their partner will change
Normalization of toxicity
Isolation
Fear of retaliation
Understanding these reasons highlights the importance of offering support and resources to those looking to leave toxic relationships. It's crucial to approach this process with empathy, recognizing the courage it takes.
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