What is mental abuse? 7 signs to look out for
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Abuse isn't always physical. Learn what mental abuse is and 7 signs that you may be facing it. Plus, how to get the support you need to cope with mental abuse.
You might notice terms like “toxic” and “manipulative” getting thrown around a lot, but when they occur in relationships it’s a very serious issue that isn’t always easy to spot.
We all have moments where we’ve been petty, spiteful, or maybe even guilt-tripped someone, and we usually feel pretty guilty afterwards. But when someone uses their words and actions to intentionally manipulate, control, or harm another person, this is known as mental abuse.
Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse may or may not be obvious to others, or even to the person who is being abused. Sometimes it’s subtle, like small but consistent put downs that can chip away at your confidence, destroy your sense of self, and even warp your person’s perception of reality.
If you have a relationship with someone who constantly belittles you, makes you feel anxious, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, you might be dealing with mental abuse. Luckily there are actions you can take to set boundaries and protect yourself.
What is mental abuse?
The actual definition of mental abuse, or psychological abuse, is when someone uses words or actions to hurt or control another person. Mental abuse can be subtle at first — just a few small comments or actions that feel like nothing big, but overtime it can add up to create lasting damage.
If a friend is always criticizing you, or a boss is constantly undermining your work, you could be experiencing mental abuse. In this situation, someone often tries to manipulate how you think and feel. They might tell you you’re too sensitive, make you question your memories, or gaslight you by saying things like, “That’s all in your head.”
These kinds of tactics are designed to make you feel constantly unsure of yourself, and can leave you feeling trapped, make you question your reality, and strip you of agency.
Mental abuse is never your fault
No one deserves to be treated in a way that makes them doubt themselves or feel anxious all the time. There are ways you can get help, take control, and start moving toward a healthier, safer space for yourself. If you’re looking for immediate support, text HOME to 741741 to connect with someone from the Crisis Text Line. It’s free and available 24/7.
Emotional vs. mental abuse
Emotional abuse and mental abuse are very similar, in that they both involve manipulation and control. Also, an abuser typically uses both methods to wear someone down and keep them feeling dependent. The key difference is that emotional abuse typically impacts your thinking, whereas mental abuse typically affects how you feel.
Emotional abuse: This is when someone uses your emotions against you by putting you down, making you feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault, and playing with your feelings to control you. If someone’s constantly saying hurtful things about your appearance, intelligence, or is making you feel bad for spending time with loved ones, they might be emotionally abusing you.
Mental abuse: With mental abuse, someone manipulates your thoughts—not just your emotions—by attacking how you think and perceive things. An abuser might gaslight you, or make you doubt your own reality, by saying, “That never happened,” even if you know it did.
7 signs of mental abuse
If you’re facing mental abuse, you may wonder if you’re part of the problem. It’s common to begin to doubt what you know and what you’re experiencing when someone you trust is treating you this way. Remember, part of what an abuser does is slowly and subtly undermine you so that you question your reality. This isn’t okay. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and care in all your relationships. Here are a few big signs of mental abuse to look for.
1. Constant criticism or belittling
Someone who’s abusing you might put you down, make fun of you, or act like nothing you do is ever good enough. Over time, this can seriously damage your self-esteem and make you feel worthless or incapable.
Remember — abusive comments can be disguised as “jokes” or “helpful advice,” but they’re unacceptable, no matter what. As an adult, you do not need to receive critiques from your partner. Your choices are your choices and they need to respect them.
2. Gaslighting and ignored feelings
The term gaslighting comes from a play called “Gas Light” from 1938 that involves a husband driving his wife mad by slowly lowering the light in their home and telling her she’s crazy when she observes it getting darker. It is essentially telling someone they’re crazy for believing something they know to be true, or not perceiving something correctly.
Gaslighting can make you believe that you’re the problem when, really, your abuser’s manipulating you. It also puts them in a position of authority as being the only one who “knows the truth.”
3. Isolation from loved ones
An abuser may make it difficult for you to spend time with the people you love or guilt-trip you when you try to see friends or family. They might say things like, “Your family doesn’t really care about you,” or “Your friends are a bad influence.”
By cutting you off from others, they gain more control over your life because you have fewer people to turn to for support.
4. Emotional blackmail
People use emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty and responsible for their behavior. This can leave you feeling trapped or like the bad guy. Take note if someone threatens to harm themselves if you try to set boundaries.
5. Controlling behavior
It could be considered abuse if someone tries to control who you talk to, what you wear, where you go, or how you spend your time. They may want to make you feel powerless and completely dependent on them, or as if they know what’s best for you. This is simply another form of control and manipulation.
6. Blaming and shifting responsibility
Notice when someone rarely takes responsibility for their actions or blames you for everything that goes wrong. An abuser might hurt you and then say it’s your fault because you made them angry or that you’re just being too sensitive.
This shifting of blame can make you feel like you’re the problem and a creates a world where your feelings are never validated.
7. Mood swings or unpredictable behavior
Everyone loses their cool from time to time but if it’s happening regularly and making you feel unsafe then this is a problem. It’s unsettling for the nervous system and mind when someone is loving and kind one moment, and then suddenly cruel the next. Be careful if you find yourself regularly walking on eggshells to try to prevent someone’s outbursts.
A person who cares about you should not make you feel stressed and emotionally exhausted all the time.
How to get help for mental abuse: 7 tips to support yourself
Mental abuse can make you feel trapped and alone, but that’s usually because the abuser has made you feel this way. If you’ve recognized signs of mental abuse in your life, know that what you’re going through is not your fault. And there are people and resources out there to support you and help you reclaim your sense of self. You deserve to live in peace and safety, free from manipulation and control.
It may feel difficult at first to know where to start, but you don’t have to do it all at once. Every small step you take toward acknowledging the abuse, seeking support, and protecting yourself is a step in the right direction. Here are seven steps you can take to help make it easier on yourself.
1. Acknowledge the abuse
The first and sometimes hardest step in dealing with mental abuse is acknowledging that it’s happening. It can be too easy to downplay what’s going on or make excuses for the abuser — especially if they’ve convinced you that you’re the problem. But recognizing that the behavior is harmful is an important first step.
Remind yourself (as often as you need to) that no one deserves to be manipulated, belittled, or controlled.
💙Practice giving yourself the kindness and love that you deserve by listening to Tara Brach’s session on Radical Self-Compassion.
2. Talk to someone you trust
You don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to someone you trust to share what’s been happening. Having an outside perspective can really help you see the situation more clearly, make you feel less lonely, and help you find the courage to take the next steps. (And if you’re feeling lonely, here are seven tips to help you cope.)
Try to pick someone who will listen without judgment and offer support. If a loved one doesn’t come to mind, maybe consider a support group where you feel you can talk openly about your feelings.
3. Set boundaries
Your abuser needs to know what behaviors you won’t tolerate anymore. Set boundaries to help you protect your mental and emotional wellbeing. If the abuser doesn’t respect your boundaries right away, stand firm.
If you’re struggling with knowing the right way to set a boundary, try saying something like, “I won’t accept being spoken to like that,” or “I need space when you get angry.”
💙 Listen to Jeff Warren’s A Secret to Better Boundaries meditation if this is not your strong suit.
4. Seek professional help
A therapist who specializes in abusive relationships can help you work through the emotions you might be feeling. Over time, they can also help you figure out the best way forward.
You can also look for local helplines or mental health services that offer help for abuse survivors. They can slowly help you rebuild your self-esteem and set healthy boundaries. (If you feel low right now, here are eight ways to help you improve your self-esteem.)
5. Create an exit plan
Mental abuse can sometimes turn into physical abuse, so having a plan in place is essential. Before you initiate your plan, think of a safe place you can go if things get worse, like a loved one’s house or a shelter. Be sure to grab important documents, money, and a few basic essentials in case you have to leave quickly.
If you need some support, call a domestic violence hotline for advice on creating your safety plan. They might also be able to connect you with additional support. You’re not alone.
6. Rebuild your support network
If your abusive relationship has caused distance in other relationships, try to reconnect with people who care about you to build your support system. Find people who offer love, understanding, and encouragement to help to make you feel stronger and less dependent on your abuser.
You can also look online for support. There are online communities with people that have been through similar experiences and can help you feel less alone.
If you’re feeling lonely, here’s seven ways that might help you overcome it.
7. Focus on self-care and healing
Mental abuse can take a toll on your emotional health. Make sure to take time to care for yourself. This can help you feel more grounded as you go through the healing process.
To help manage your stress and anxiety, try practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing, and meditation. And for your physical self-care, try to get enough sleep, eat nourishing foods, and exercise.
What is mental abuse FAQs
What are the long-term effects of mental abuse?
Healing from mental abuse can take time, as it can have deep and lasting effects on your emotional and mental health. Still, know that recovery is possible. If you’re struggling, consider talking to a professional to work through the emotional and psychological damage.
People who’ve been subjected to mental abuse may experience the following:
Struggling with anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem long after the abuse has ended
Trouble trusting others, especially in new relationships, because the abuse has now left you feeling unsure of people’s intentions or motives
Issues forming healthy relationships or setting boundaries because the abuse taught you to doubt your own feelings and needs
Feeling disconnected from yourself or others, as mental abuse can be isolating
Developing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), which can manifest as flashbacks, nightmares, or heightened anxiety, especially when situations remind you of the abuse
How can I tell if someone is mentally abusing me?
Mental abuse often fills you with doubt, so it can be hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of it — especially if the abuser is someone close to you. A good rule of thumb is to pay attention to how you feel in the relationship.
If trusting your instincts right now feels hard, ask yourself the following questions to help you recognize if someone’s mentally abusing you.
Do you regularly feel belittled, controlled, or manipulated?
Do you constantly doubt your thoughts, or question your memories because of what the other person says?
Do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, or trying to avoid their anger?
Do you usually feel drained and confused after interacting with them?
Is the person trying to isolate you from friends or family on a regular basis? Are they also making it difficult for you to maintain relationships?
Do they often tell you that no one else cares about you or that they’re the only one who really understands you?
Is mental abuse the same as emotional abuse?
Many people confuse mental abuse and emotional abuse, but they’re not the same.
Emotional abuse focuses more on hurting your feelings and self-worth. It’s about using your emotions to control or manipulate you.
A person who’s emotionally abusing you usually tries to belittle, shame, or guilt-trip you to make you feel unworthy. Their aim is to make you feel broken, constantly sad, and embarrassed about yourself.
Mental abuse focuses more on manipulating your thoughts and perceptions. This often involves psychological manipulation, like controlling how you see yourself or making you doubt your ability to make decisions.
A person who’s mentally abusing you usually tries to gaslight you. This is where the abuser makes you question your reality or your memories, leaving you confused and unsure of what’s true.
Can mental abuse happen in any relationship?
A lot of people think that mental abuse only happens in romantic relationships, but that’s not true. It can happen with anyone.
Mental abuse in families can show up as a parent constantly controlling, criticizing, or manipulating. In friendships, it can manifest as one friend trying to dominate or belittle the other. At work, a boss might use fear or intimidation to undermine your confidence or keep you in a position of powerlessness.
No one should make you feel constantly inferior, dependent, or unsure of yourself. If you’re still unsure, examine the power dynamic in the relationship. Is the person trying to control or manipulate you? If so, you might be experiencing mental abuse.
What should I do if I think I’m being mentally abused?
If you think you’re being mentally abused, know that there’s a way out. Here are four steps to take to free yourself from your abusive relationship and regain your sense of control:
Tell someone you trust. It’s easy to doubt yourself when you’ve been mentally abused, so having an outside perspective on the situation can be really helpful. Sometimes, just voicing your concerns can help make things feel clearer.
Set boundaries with the abuser — if it feels safe to do so. You could limit your contact with them, refuse to engage with them when they criticize you, or just let them know what behaviors you’ll no longer tolerate.
If the abuse feels unsafe, make an exit plan to distance yourself from the abuser. Finding a safe place to stay, seek legal advice, or reach out to a domestic abuse hotline.
Remember to take care of yourself. Mental abuse can do a number on your emotional and mental health, and recovery can take time. You might also want to consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you process what you’re going through.
You don’t have to go through this alone — there are people who can help you find safety and healing.
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