10 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Whether it's been a month, a year, or many years, moving forward after the pain of a divorce takes time. These 10 tips can help you cope and start to rebuild your life.
There’s no way around it, divorce is hard. Even if the split was on the best of terms, it’s still a huge life change. And one that you most likely didn’t see coming back when you said, “I do” during those happier times.
So much can change during a divorce, and everyone’s experience is different. You could be trying to find a new place to live, trying to figure out how to live with less money, and potentially even trying to figure out new parenting responsibilities. You might also be grappling with loneliness, grief, and feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.
It’s all overwhelming to say the least. But with time and a little self compassion, there’s happiness to be found on the other side. You might not be there yet—and it’s okay if you’re not— but if you are curious at all, we’ve put together a list of ten tips that may help you rebuild and make this painful time a little bit easier.
Let’s take that first step together.
Why moving on from divorce is so hard
Whether you wanted the divorce or not, it can be easy to beat yourself up for how much pain and struggle you’re feeling during (or even well after) the process. But the reality is that divorce is not just the end of a relationship. It’s something that touches every part of your world.
Suddenly, you’re signing legal documents, maybe moving into a new place, and then you’re constantly having to tell people why you’re moving. It can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Not to mention, some folks can feel ashamed that their relationship didn’t work out.
A lot of the time, society makes you feel like you have to get over it right away and if you don’t then something’s wrong with you. But let us be the first to tell you that this is just not true. Everyone’s process is going to look and feel different and you should take the time you need to heal.
Sometimes just understanding why you might be feeling the way you are can really help you process and move forward. Here are a few reasons why you could be having such a hard time:
You’re grieving the loss of your relationship: Even if you were the one to initiate the divorce, you still could be feeling intense loss. It’s okay if you’re grieving the dreams and future you thought you were going to have together.
You feel like losing part of your identity: You could still be adjusting to being single again. You used to be a part of a couple, and now you’re not. This can naturally make you think, “Who am I without this relationship?” It’s okay to feel unsettled by this, but try to reframe to see that it can also be empowering.
You’re experiencing financial challenges: You could still be processing the new emotional stress of now living off a single income and or splitting assets. It’s okay if you’re feeling overwhelmed by this change. It’s a new responsibility that can be a lot to take in.
You’re feeling lonely: You could be feeling isolated because suddenly you have a lot more time with just yourself (and your thoughts). You might even find that you have fewer friends if some of those friends were tied to your ex. It’s okay to feel lonely, this is a big change. Let yourself feel all the feels.
You’re juggling parenting after divorce: If you have kids with your ex, you could be feeling stretched thin as you co-parent and try to find a new normal. This is a lot, especially while also trying to support your kids’ emotional needs. It’s okay to let yourself have time to adjust. Be patient with yourself.
How to move forward: 10 tips for rebuilding your life after divorce
It can be really confusing to know what to do after a divorce. Should you let yourself be sad for a full year? Should you immediately jump back on the horse and start dating again? Should you treat yourself to a big vacation? There isn’t one right answer. It’s really whatever feels right for you.
Rebuilding your life is going to look different from another person who’s also going through a divorce. So try not to compare yourself with others and instead try to focus on taking it one day at a time. Small meaningful steps can help you to slowly heal and grow.
1. Allow yourself some time to grieve
Even if you’re the one who felt it was time to leave, it’s very common to feel grief. Let yourself feel all of the emotions — this guided meditation can help. Try not to judge yourself along the way and be patient with yourself.
Practical tip: Try journaling, talking to a good friend, or reaching out to a therapist if you’re experiencing grief.
2. Take some time to figure out your goals
Divorce can change up everything in your life. So why not also let it be a chance to redefine what you want for your future. Give yourself time to think about your personal goals, both big and small, and think about how you could start making small steps towards them. (And if you struggle in this department, here are eight ways to help you achieve personal goals.)
Practical tip: Write down short-term and long-term goals that get you excited. If you’ve always wanted to travel to Hawaii, or learn karate, why not start now?
3. Create a stable routine for yourself
Divorce has a way of turning your life upside down. And it can make you feel really out of control. So try to give yourself a daily routine to help you get some of that control back. This could start out as small as simply making your bed every morning, or journaling before you go to sleep.
Practical tip: Start with simple tasks or activities to make it easier for you to keep up with it. You could try going to bed at the same time every night or just planning to make a comforting dinner for yourself every night at 6pm.
💙 If you’re struggling with starting a routine, consider listening to the New Routines session of the Daily Jay.
4. Surround yourself with a support network that’s all yours
Going through a divorce might make you feel incredibly lonely. (Here are eight tips to get used to living alone.) But make it easier on yourself and learn to lean on people. Life’s better when we’re surrounded by loved ones who support us. If you shared a lot of friends with your ex, now can be a great time to reach out to folks who you knew before your relationship. Rekindle old friendships, or make new ones.
Practical tip: If you feel like you don’t really have a support group right now, consider joining an online group for divorced people. You don’t have to go through this alone.
5. Focus on your self-care
Divorce can really do a number on your physical and mental health, so taking care of yourself is more important than ever. Try to make an effort to seek out activities that make you feel good, or make time for rest if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes bedrotting is as good for the soul as a yoga class.
Practical tip: Keep it simple, try re-reading a book you love, or taking yourself for a stroll through your favorite park. Exercising regularly and eating nutritious meals can also help make you feel great.
💙 Interested in upping your self-care game? Listen to our Radical Self-Care series with Lama Rod Owens to help get you started.
6. Learn something new
A lot of the time, divorce can destroy your confidence and numb you out. So give yourself a chance to feel alive again and build back some of that confidence by learning something new that you’ve always wanted to.
Practical tip: If you’ve always wanted to learn poetry, now’s your chance. Sign up for that poetry class, join that bowling club, learn that new language!
7. Reevaluate your finances
Divorce can affect your life in a very real financial way. Suddenly you can find yourself looking at money in a whole new light. This can feel really overwhelming. If that’s the case for you, consider creating a budget that reflects your current situation, and won’t stress you out more.
Practical tip: Take a moment to write down what you make, add up your expenses, and think about your long term goals. After you do this, look for ways where you might be able to cut back if needed. (Does thinking about money stress you out? Here’s ten mindful ways to help you save money and stress less)
And if managing your finances doesn’t come easy for you, think about meeting with a financial advisor.
8. Set boundaries with your ex
After a divorce, a lot of the time we’d like to stop communicating with our ex. But sometimes that’s not possible, especially if children are involved. If that’s the case, it’s important to set clear boundaries. This will help reduce your stress and set you up for healthier communication in the future.
Practical tip: Set up a time to talk with your ex (if it’s necessary). Make a plan to figure out what’s the best way to communicate with each other that honors and respects both of your needs and feelings. And do your best to keep the talk respectful, it will help you in the long run.
9. Take it slow with dating someone new
You might have the (natural urge) to not feel so lonely and jump back on the dating train. But there’s no need to rush. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to focus on healing and rediscovering who you are on your own.
Practical tip: If and when you’re ready to date, take things slow. And try to be open and honest with yourself and potential partners about where you currently are in your life. If you’re not ready to date, don’t let anyone pressure you. You do not have to “get back on the horse” in order to find healing and closure.
💙 If you’re feeling lonely, check out our Aloneness session with Tamara Levitt to help you cope.
10. Seek professional help when needed
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak or that there’s something wrong with you. If you broke your arm, you wouldn’t try to set it yourself. The same goes for a broken heart. Asking for support simply means you need a little extra help in this current moment and you’re strong enough to admit that. So if you’re interested, set up an intro session. Therapists can help make the process feel a lot more manageable.
Practical tip: Consider looking for a therapist who specializes in helping people navigate life after divorce. They might be able to help give you better guidance that’s specific to your situation.
Life after divorce FAQs
What are some ways to cope with a divorce?
There’s no one way to properly cope after a divorce. Whatever way works best for you is the best way to cope. If you’re feeling angry and relieved at the same time — great. That’s how you’re feeling right now and that’s okay. Take it one step at a time and try not to judge yourself.
And if you’re not sure what’s the best way to get through this, we’ve got you covered. Here's some ways you could cope while you’re on this journey:
Lean on your support group: Talk to your family, your bestie, or join a support group.
Focus on your health: Try to eat nutritious meals, get consistent sleep, and exercise regularly.
Focus on your self care: Look into journaling, meditating, or going for some walks in nature.
Seek professional help: Reach out to a therapist if you’re feeling like it’s too much for you to process your emotions on your own.
How long does it take to heal after a divorce?
We wish we could tell you there was an exact timeline for healing after a divorce. But everyone heals in their own way and at their own pace. So go easy on yourself and try not to judge the process.
And if right now, you’re feeling like the pain is going to last forever, try to remind yourself that those intense emotions will fade over time. Yes, it might get worse before it gets better, but healing doesn’t always happen in a straight line. Just be patient, and let yourself feel those big emotions.
Here are four tips that might help you to slowly start to heal over time:
Take it one step (and one day) at a time.
Build a consistent routine.
Start something new that excites you.
Connect with supportive people.
How do I know when I’m ready to start dating again?
It can be hard to trust yourself after a divorce. But the truth is you’re really the only person who can tell yourself if you’re good to go on dates again.
Here’s a couple questions you could ask yourself if you’re not sure:
Have I had enough time to process my marriage ending?
Do I feel comfortable being on my own?
Do I no longer feel leftover anger, sadness, or guilt about my relationship?
Do I genuinely feel curious and excited about meeting someone new?
If the answer to all of the questions above is “Yes” then this might be a good sign that you’re good to go on dates again. And when you do start dating again, try to take things slow and listen to your gut. Also set boundaries, and be honest with potential partners about your situation and what you’re looking for.
How can I help my children adjust to life after divorce?
It’s natural to worry about how your divorce will affect your kids. But if you create a sense of stability and reassure them that this isn't their fault, they’ll be okay. And the main thing you can do is to let them know that they’re still loved even though their family dynamic is changing.
Here are four other practical ways that can help them adjust:
Be honest with them and check in regularly: If you explain the situation in a way that’s appropriate for their age, they’ll feel let in. And this can help them get out their feelings as well. Also try to keep checking in, as it’s a process and their feelings can change over time.
Maintain consistent routines: If you make sure to keep up regular meal times, bedtime rituals, and school activities, this will help to comfort them during this time of change. And if you’re co-parenting, talk to your ex to create a schedule that’s predictable.
Avoid bad mouthing your ex in front of your kids: If you say negative things about your ex, this can be confusing and stress your kids out.
Consider seeking professional help: If you see your kids are struggling, reach out to a therapist who specializes in family transitions. There’s nothing wrong with asking for additional help.
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