What to say (and what not to say) when someone is ill

Relationships

Aug 12

Written By Calm Editorial Team

image of: what to say when someone is ill

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Whether it’s a cold, surgery, or serious illness, it can be hard to know what to say when someone is ill. These ideas will help you skip the clichés and offer real comfort.

Many of us weren’t taught how to talk about illness, especially the messy, vulnerable parts. Maybe it’s a simple cold that’s knocked a friend off their feet for a few days, or maybe it’s something more serious like a diagnosis, surgery, or a long stretch in the hospital. You want to be supportive, but you’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing. Or that your words will come out wrong and make them feel worse.

But connection doesn’t require perfect words. Even a short message can offer real comfort when it’s sincere, specific, and rooted in care.

Whether someone you love is navigating a short recovery or facing something more serious, here are grounded, thoughtful ways to check in with them. Plus, what to avoid, how to show up, and what to say when words feel hard to find.

What to say when someone is ill

News of illness striking someone you care about can leave everyone involved feeling uncertain about what to do next. It can make you question whether or not to reach out, what you should say, and how often you should even check in.

But you don’t need to have the “right” words. All you need to do is show that you care. If you’re not sure where to start, here’s some supportive language you could use:

“I’ve been thinking about you and just wanted to say hi.”

“No need to respond, but I’m here if you want to talk or if you need anything.”

“Would it be okay if I dropped off a meal or sent you a little something?

“I just want to say that I care about you so much and I hate that you’re going through this.”
“Just checking in to say that I’m here for whatever you need, even if that’s just a distraction.”
“I don’t always know the right thing to say, but I’m here and I care.”

Also, remind yourself that it’s okay if you aren’t sure what they need. Illness can make everyday life unpredictable, and people’s capacity to talk or connect might shift day to day. Your steady presence, especially when it’s kind and non-demanding, can offer real comfort.

What to say to someone who is seriously ill or dying

When someone is seriously ill or dying, it can be hard to know what to say, or if you should say anything at all. But silence can feel like abandonment, and what actually helps is showing up even when it’s hard or confusing.

In situations like this, focus less on saying the “right” thing and more on just being real. Words won’t fix anything, but they can help the person feel seen and like they matter.

Try these:

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I love you and I’m here.”

“I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you and holding you close.”

“Would it feel good to talk about what you’re feeling, or would you rather just hang out quietly?”

“Is there anything you’ve been wanting to talk about or something you don’t want to talk about at all? I’m happy to be a distraction.”

If they want to talk about dying, try not to change the subject or steer away from their emotions. It’s okay to be honest about your fear or sadness, just be sure to center their experience and not yours. Sometimes the best thing you can do is hold space for grief in all its forms.

What not to say when someone is sick

Sometimes, even kind intentions can land poorly when someone is in the middle of an illness. To make sure you avoid saying anything that could be received as dismissive or minimizing, here are some phrases to avoid:

“Everything happens for a reason.” This can feel spiritually dismissive. When someone is hurting, they don’t need a grand narrative. They need compassion.

“At least it’s not [something worse].” Comparison often isolates. It implies they should feel lucky when they might just be trying to survive the day.

“You’ve got this! Just stay positive.” Optimism has a place, but demanding it can feel like pressure. People who are sick are allowed to feel scared, angry, or exhausted.

“I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you’ve been through something similar, each person’s experience is unique.
“Have you tried…?” Unless they’ve specifically asked for advice, skip the treatment tips. In fact, they’re probably already overwhelmed by options.

“You don’t look sick!” This might sound like a compliment, but it can be invalidating — especially for people with invisible illnesses who already struggle to be taken seriously.

How to support someone who’s ill: 5 ways to be there

It’s easy to feel helpless when someone in your life is sick, especially if you don’t know the best way to show your support. But showing up comes in many forms, and just the act of trying usually means the most.

Here are five ways you can support someone who’s ill.

1. Check in without expectations

A short message can go a long way towards making someone feel less alone. Consider saying something like, “Thinking of you. No need to reply,” or “Just wanted you to know that I’m here.”

Statements like this keep the door open without adding any pressure, and consistent presence matters more than the perfect words.

2. Offer specific help

When help is specific, it’s easier to accept. So, try offering to do things like walk their dog or water their plants.

You could also help by asking something specific like, “Can I drop off a meal next week?” or “I’m heading to the store. Want me to pick up some snacks or paper towels?”

3. Be a source of normalcy

Many times, people crave a break from being known as someone who’s sick. To give them a sense of normalcy, consider reminiscing about past fun times or just outright ask if they want a distraction.

4. Respect their energy and boundaries

Illness can be unpredictable. Some days, they might want company. Other days, they might not even want to text back. This is pretty common for people who are sick.

In times like this, remind yourself to treat them (and their boundaries) with love and respect.

💙 Practice Holding Space for whatever your loved one is going through during this meditation from the Relationships with Others series.

5. Remember them — even as time passes

Support often floods in right after a diagnosis or surgery, and then it fades as the days go by. But healing rarely happens on a quick timeline. A little note six months in, saying, “Still thinking of you,” can really feel like a lifeline.

If you know you’re not good with dates, consider putting a reminder in your calendar to check in later down the line.

💙 Strengthen the relationships in your life by listening to Kate Johnson’s series Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship.

What to say when someone is ill FAQs

What do you say to someone who’s in the hospital?

If someone is in the hospital, a short and sincere message is often best. You could say something like, “Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and sending love. Here if you need anything!” And if you’re close, you could also ask if they’d like a visit or if there’s something soothing you can bring.

Overall, a good rule of thumb is to acknowledge where they are without making it all about their condition. Just let them know you care, and also avoid putting pressure on them to respond.

What’s a good get-well-soon message for a kid?

Kids usually respond best to warmth and imagination. You could say something simple like, “I heard you’re not feeling well. Hoping you’re back building forts really soon!” If they’re old enough to read, a colorful card with a silly joke could bring a smile.

You could also check in with the parents to see if they would enjoy a small surprise to comfort them, like a craft or toy.

What do I say to someone after a surgery?

Keep it simple and supportive. Recovery can be lonely and frustrating, so even a quick check-in can help remind them that they’re not alone.

You could say, “Hope the surgery went smoothly! How are you feeling?” A statement like this can open the door for conversation without being intrusive. You can also offer specific help, like, “Would it be helpful if I brought you dinner later this week?”

How do you cheer up a sick person?

A good place to start is by asking yourself what kind of support they might actually want. Cheering someone up usually means showing that you see and care about them without trying to change how they feel.

You could say something like, “I know this really sucks. I’m here if you want to vent or just hang out and talk about anything but being sick.” Also, humor can help if that’s something you think they’d respond to.

Overall, let them lead. Sometimes the best cheer is just presence without pressure.

What do I do if they don’t want to talk about their illness?

If they don’t want to talk about their illness, respect that boundary. It’s okay to offer support without diving into medical updates. You could say, “It’s completely okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know that I’m here if you ever do.” Then pivot to something light like that one TV show you’re both obsessed with.

In general, just allow them to feel like a whole person and not just a patient. Your willingness to meet them where they are can be deeply reassuring.

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what to say

Calm Editorial Team