Why the "5 second rule" may be a game changer in your relationship
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
We all can get into tense moments in our relationships, so before you say something you might regret, try the 5 second rule. Here are 6 tips to help you practice.
We’ve all done it at least once. We’re in the middle of a fight and our loved one says something that hurts our feelings, so we immediately go for the jugular and say something nasty — something we know will hurt their feelings. Then we instantly regret it, and can’t believe we’d do something like that. Ugh.
It’s easy to spiral and start thinking that we’re terrible people, but heated moments in relationships are normal. No one is perfect and these situations are going to happen.
So how do we not let our emotions lead the way when we get upset, and instead become a little bit better version of ourselves? It may be as easy as counting to five.
Let’s take a deep breath and dive in.
What is the 5 second rule in relationships?
When you first hear about the 5 second rule it seems easy — maybe too easy. You just pause for five seconds before reacting in a tense moment, that’s it?
But that’s the beauty of this technique, it’s simple. It can help you to respond to heated situations in a calm and thoughtful way. It’s all about emotional regulation, which is the ability to manage your emotions in a way that helps rather than harms your relationships.
The five seconds creates a buffer between your emotions and your actions. This helps you not immediately say the mean comment you were thinking when your loved one frustrated you, and instead take a few moments to process your feelings and (hopefully) respond with a bit more empathy.
To break it down more, here are three steps of the five second rule:
Step one – Pause
Step two – Take a deep breath
Step three – Silently count to five
When you pause, you’re not ignoring your feelings, you’re just shifting your focus from reacting impulsively to really listening and understanding the other person. Here are some other benefits of pausing:
It gives you the chance to process what’s happening.
It lets you reflect on your emotions.
It allows you a moment to fully absorb what the other person is saying.
It centers you and lets you come back to the moment in a more present way.
It gives you time to potentially choose a response that aligns more with your values and one that hopefully strengthens your connection with the other person.
Is this tactic scientifically proven? Studies on the 5 second rule
Can five seconds really make a difference? It seems like barely any time at all. Well, research has shown that taking a brief pause—even just five seconds—can help regulate your emotions and improve your communication in your relationships.
A study at the University of St. Andrews found that a five-second break when you’re in the middle of a conflict can reduce aggression and avoid impulsive reactions.
These five quick seconds help you pause and focus on your breath, which can help lower your stress, improve your communication, and increase your empathy. The study showed that ten and fifteen second breaks also can help cool down the situation.
How to practice the 5 second rule in relationships
Saying you’ll pause when you’re in a heated moment sounds easy enough but when you’re in the moment, is it actually that doable? It can be — especially with a little preparation beforehand.
If you’re hesitant, remind yourself that pausing helps you improve your communication, deepen your connection with your partner, loved one, or other person in your life.
While this technique is great for preventing conflict and tension in romantic relationships, you can also practice it during tense moments with friends, family, work colleagues, or even those strangers who test your patience on the road or in line at the grocery store. Here’s five ways to help you get started.
1. Talk about the 5 second rule beforehand (with close loved ones)
If you experience conflict in your close relationships, it can be helpful to chat about this technique in advance and explain how it works. Bring it in a calm moment though, so your loved one is more open to hearing it.
(Full disclosure: it’s probably not appropriate to do this with the person who cuts you off in traffic, or bumps you in line at the pharmacy.)
When you do decide to mention it, tell them how pausing before responding could help both of you process your emotions, communicate more thoughtfully, and avoid making the situation worse.
Here are two ways you could start the convo with your loved one:
“I read about this technique where you pause for five seconds before reacting during conversations. It can help people communicate better and make heightened moments less heated. I’d like to try it — would you be open to it?”
“Sometimes I feel like we both respond too quickly when we get mad. What if we tried pausing for five seconds during hard talks? I think it could help us both feel more heard.”
Practical tip: Frame the talk as a shared team effort to improve your communication, and not as a critique of your partner’s behavior.
💙 If you’re jonesing to feel more connected to your partner, listen to the Daily Jay session on Deeper Communication.
2. Pause and breathe
Once you’ve agreed to the rule, start trying it out. When one of you gets upset — pause, take a deep breath, and silently count to five. This gives you a moment to ground yourself and not react impulsively.
If the conversation’s already intense, try a gentle reminder:
“Hey, I want to do the rule we talked about and pause for five seconds to gather my thoughts.”
“Things are feeling heated so I’m going to take a few moments before we keep talking.”
Practical tip: Try pausing in everyday low–stakes conversations. This help can make it easier to build the habit for those tougher times.
💙 Struggling to take a breather? Try listening to Professor Megan Reitz’s Pause to Breathe meditation.
3. Clarify what you’re doing if needed
For people you haven’t discussed the process with in advance—like a casual acquaintance or work colleague—you may want to give them a heads up if you’re going to interrupt the flow of the conversation with the 5 second rule.
Here are two explanations you could use that let the person know what you’re doing by pausing (without going into too much detail):
“I’m taking a minute to figure out how I feel before I respond.”
“I’m pausing because I don’t want to say something thoughtless.”
Practical tip: In personal close relationships where you’ve chatted about the 5 second rule in advance, you may not need to clarify your process. You can move on to the next step.
4. Name your feelings
When you take the five second breather — identify and name what you’re feeling. By naming your emotions, this can help you understand them better and it prepares you to talk about them more clearly.
You may just acknowledge them for yourself, but if it’s appropriate, sharing your feelings with the other person can help them understand what’s going on for you.
Here are two ways you could let your partner in:
“I’m feeling frustrated right now because I don’t think I explained my point well.”
“I feel hurt by what you said, but I want to talk about it calmly in a minute.” (It can be hard to recover when you get hurt, here are 8 ways to support yourself when you’re feeling emotional pain)
Practical tip: Use “I” statements when you share your emotions. This keeps the focus on your experience and doesn’t point the finger at them.
5. Decide how you want to respond
After you’ve taken the five seconds, think about a response that feels good to you and reflects your values and goals for the relationship. This could mean calmly asking for clarification or proposing a solution to the issue. You might also suggest a longer break if the conversation just feels too overwhelming.
Here are two thoughtful responses you could try:
“Now that I’m feeling more calm, could you please clarify what you meant before?”
“Can we talk about this later? Maybe in an hour? I’d like a bit more time.”
Practical tip: Remember to validate the other person’s feelings, too. Here’s a good response that could make them feel heard — “I hear that you’re frustrated. Let’s work together to figure this out.”
💙 If you want a refresher on Kind Communication, consider listening to our Love and Relationship series with Tamara Levitt.
6. Be consistent and patient
Most likely, trying out the 5 second rule is going to have some bumps when you first start using it. But building habits takes time and effort, and that’s okay. You are allowed to make mistakes. When that happens, use it as a chance to reflect and improve, rather than getting discouraged or beating yourself up.
If you excel at being your own worst enemy, here are eight ways to quiet your inner critic.
Practical tip: Don’t be afraid to bring up the 5 second rule with your partner regularly. After a fight, ask them if the technique worked for them or if there was anything the two of you could do better next time.
5 second rule FAQs
What does it mean to use the 5 second rule?
The 5 second rule means taking a pause — literally just five seconds — before you respond to something emotionally charged. It sounds simple, and in fact, it is that simple.
When you get triggered in a fight, instead of immediately saying something you could regret — you stop, count to five, and take a deep breath.
This little breather helps you not impulsively react, and gives you a minute to thoughtfully respond. In this moment, you’re not ignoring your feelings, you’re just slowing everything down and approaching the situation with a little more thoughtfulness.
Here are three ways this can help in a relationship:
It allows you to communicate more effectively.
It helps you to dodge unnecessary fights.
It shows your partner that you’re committed to working through tough times in a healthy way.
Who discovered the 5 second rule?
There isn’t one person who came up with the idea of the 5 second rule in relationships. Mindfulness practice, some psychological research, and a little common sense helped to bring the concept about.
The 5 second rule is a practical strategy that has emerged over time as a useful tool for managing emotions and improving your communication in your relationships. This pause helps people to slow down, process their feelings, and respond more thoughtfully.
How can the 5 second rule help with relationship conflicts?
A lot of the time when we’re angry at a partner, our first reaction is to say something nasty. But the five second rule can really help you step back and process what you're feeling during a heated moment. This can not only make it a lot easier for you to not lose it on your partner, but it can also bring you two closer.
This moment allows you to ask yourself, “What am I actually feeling here? What’s the best way to respond?” And it can help you to choose a more understanding, constructive, and kind response. It can also build trust, as your partner will see that you’re trying to approach conflicts with care and respect.
If this doesn’t come naturally to you at first — don’t freak out. Give it time. With practice, you and your partner might slowly start to see that you’re communicating better, and handling fights a little more calmly.
When is the 5 second rule most effective?
When you are at your angriest, most frustrated or completely overwhelmed, this is when the 5 second rule is the most effective. We all know that in these more heightened moments, meaner words tend to slip out of our mouths.
This is why the rule works because it breaks up this automatic reaction we can have and gives us a chance to reset before saying something we might regret. Instead, we can pause, take a breather, and then respond in a way that feels more helpful.
You can also use the five second rule in low-stakes situations too, like when your partner forgets to take out the trash — again.
These smaller moments are actually great ways to practice this technique so that it can slowly turn it into a habit. This way when tensions are higher, it’ll be easier for you to pause, breathe, and thoughtfully respond.
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