How to deal with ambivalent attachment in yourself or a partner
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Wondering if ambivalent attachment is affecting your relationships? Learn the signs, causes, and 10 tips to support yourself or a partner with this attachment style.
Have you ever texted your partner only to spiral into oblivion waiting for them to respond? You wonder if they’re upset with you, if you did something wrong, or if they’re quietly pulling away. When their response finally comes through, you exhale the biggest sigh of relief. And then you start second-guessing why you were so worried in the first place.
If this sounds familiar, you may be dabbling in the world of ambivalent attachment, which is one of many attachment styles formed in adolescence and carried into adulthood.
Ambivalent attachment, also called anxious-ambivalent attachment, is a relationship pattern where you want to feel close to your partner but can’t always get there. It can show up as craving reassurance but doubting it, swinging between feeling connected to your partner and fearful they’ll leave, or analyzing small interactions for a hidden meaning that often isn’t there. While it may feel overwhelming, this attachment style isn’t a flaw in your personality, but rather a pattern shaped by early experiences in your life.
Let’s unpack what ambivalent attachment means, how to spot the signs in adulthood, and what to do if you (or your partner) lean toward this attachment style. Plus, we’ll dive into how to create steadier, more supportive relationships that feel good for all involved.
What is an ambivalent attachment style?
Ambivalent attachment—also called anxious-ambivalent attachment—is a relationship pattern where you crave reassurance yet struggle to feel settled once it’s given. It’s like wanting to lean on someone but worrying they might step away just as you do.
In adult relationships, ambivalent attachment may show up as feeling unsure about your partner’s commitment to you, cycling between connection and doubt, or getting caught in emotional highs and lows depending on how available your partner feels to you.
While it can feel overwhelming, this isn’t a flaw. It’s a protective strategy learned early in life that can be reshaped over time.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory explains how early caregiver relationships shape the way you connect later in life. If you didn’t feel comfort and care as a child, you’re less likely to develop secure attachment as an adult. Of course, this isn't set in stone, and many people notice traits from more than one style.
The four main styles are:
Secure attachment: Being comfortable with both closeness and independence
Ambivalent attachment: Craving connection but fearing it won’t last
Avoidant attachment: Valuing independence and pulling back from intimacy
Disorganized attachment: A mix of seeking closeness while also fearing it, often linked to unresolved trauma
Related read: How to find your attachment style and deepen your relationships
What causes ambivalent attachment style?
Ambivalent attachment often develops in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. Basically, sometimes you were nurtured, and sometimes you weren’t. This unpredictability creates uncertainty in children, as they learn that comfort may arrive (but not reliably), so they cling tightly when it does appear. Over time, this wires the nervous system to stay on high alert for signs of loss or disconnection.
While it may seem easy to blame the caregivers involved, that’s not always the best answer or solution. Many people provide inconsistent care because of stress, lack of support, or their own attachment struggles. The good news is that even if this style formed early, it can shift in adulthood through consistent experiences of safety and connection.
6 signs of ambivalent attachment style in adulthood
Ambivalent attachment doesn’t always look dramatic from the outside. It often shows up in subtle, everyday ways that leave both partners feeling drained or confused. While everyone feels insecure at times, people with an ambivalent attachment style experience these patterns more intensely and more often.
1. Constant need for reassurance: You might ask for confirmation of your partner’s love or commitment regularly through words, texts, or gestures. The tricky part for people with an ambivalent attachment style is that reassurance often doesn’t stick. Even after hearing “I love you,” doubt can creep back quickly, fueling the cycle for reassurance again.
2. Fear of abandonment: Small shifts in a partner’s behavior—like if they take longer than usual to reply to a message or are quieter than usual—can trigger unnecessary worry. The fear isn’t just about being left by your partner, it’s about being forgotten or no longer valued. And for someone with this attachment style, those fears can be dire.
3. Hyper-attunement to signals: People with ambivalent attachment often read between the lines of every interaction, scanning tone, body language, or text punctuation for hidden meaning. A short text that simply says, “K,” might feel like rejection rather than just brevity.
4. Emotional highs and lows: Relationships can feel like a rollercoaster. You may feel ecstatic when things feel close and connected, then anxious when any distance appears. The intensity of these swings can feel overwhelming for both partners.
5. Difficulty trusting stability: Even when the relationship is going well, there’s a lingering sense that it could change at any moment. This makes it hard to relax into intimacy, because safety doesn’t feel fully reliable.
6. Feeling “too much” or “not enough”: Self-doubt often runs in the background, accompanied by persistent worrying that your needs are excessive or fearing that you’re somehow lacking. This inner tug-of-war can make it difficult to feel secure in how you show up in a relationship.
How to deal with ambivalent attachment in yourself or a partner
Working with ambivalent attachment is about finding steadier ground, both within yourself and your relationships. These strategies combine self-regulation, clearer communication, and practical agreements that build trust over time.
If you relate to ambivalent attachment
1. Recognize and name the pattern: The first step is simply noticing when old fears are coming up. Take time to put a name to the feeling, and remind yourself that it’s a learned response and not proof that something is wrong with you or your relationship. Taking a beat to give your feelings a name gives you the chance to pause before you react impulsively.
2. Soothe your body before your thoughts: Ambivalent attachment often activates the nervous system, which can make worries feel louder than they are. Simple grounding tools, such as intentional breathing, a mindful walk, or even running cold water over your wrists (which can help calm your nervous system and release endorphins) can bring your body back to baseline. Once you’re calmer, you’ll have more perspective on what’s really happening.
3. Ask directly instead of protesting: Protest behaviors (testing someone, withdrawing your affection, or sending a string of texts from the top of your mind) can backfire and push your partner away instead of bringing them closer. Practice naming your needs clearly instead. Try saying something like, “I’m feeling anxious right now and could use reassurance that we’re okay.” It might feel vulnerable to be so honest and open, but being direct usually leads to better connection.
4. Build a personal reassurance toolkit: Instead of depending only on your partner for reassurance, create a set of resources you can turn to yourself. This might include rereading kind messages, journaling, doing grounding exercises, or calling a supportive friend. Having options beyond your partner reduces the sense of desperation when anxiety spikes.
5. Practice small steps toward trust: Shifting attachment styles takes time, but small experiments help. Try waiting a little longer than you typically would before sending a check-in text, and see how that feels. You can also remind yourself of past experiences where closeness stood the test of time or survived a disagreement. Each successful moment builds evidence that security is possible, even if your old fears insist otherwise.
💙 Looking for tips to self-soothe? Try the Calming Anxiety guided practice on the Calm app.
If your partner relates to ambivalent attachment
6. Offer steady reassurance with boundaries: Consistency may help calm anxiety. Simple habits like a morning check-in or saying when you’ll call back create predictability. But it’s also important to pair reassurance with realistic boundaries. You might say, “I can’t text during work, but I’ll check in at lunch.”
7. Respond to the need, not just the words: Underneath protests or big reactions is usually a fear of being abandoned. Instead of focusing only on the tone or delivery of something your partner says, try reflecting the underlying need. You can say, “I hear that you’re worried I’m pulling away, but I want you to know I’m here.” This validation often matters more than a perfect solution.
8. Set clear repair practices: When tensions rise, agree in advance on how to pause and return to the conversation when you’re level-headed. Try saying, “If one of us feels overwhelmed, we’ll take a 20-minute break and come back at an agreed time.” Returning as promised helps rebuild trust, strengthens your relationship, and makes conflicts feel less threatening.
💙 Need a little more support? Check out the Kind Communication meditation on the Calm app.
Practices for both of you together
9. Create shared routines for connection: Structure helps balance anxiety. A weekly check-in, an agreed upon text during the workday, or even a daily hug ritual can anchor the relationship. These small but predictable moments reduce the need for constant reassurance.
Related read: How to use words of encouragement: 50 examples
10. Name the cycle and work as a team: Instead of blaming each other, talk about the pattern: “We tend to argue when I get quiet and you seek more closeness. How can we catch it earlier?” Naming the cycle makes it something you face together, rather than a flaw in either partner.
💙 Learn how to take A Purposeful Pause with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.
Ambivalent attachment FAQs
What causes ambivalent attachment?
Ambivalent attachment usually begins in early childhood. When a caregiver is sometimes warm and attentive but other times distracted, stressed, or unavailable, a child learns that love is unpredictable. This inconsistency creates anxiety about whether comfort will be there when it’s needed most.
Over time, the child develops strategies to cling tightly to connection, like seeking closeness while bracing for it to disappear. It’s not always about neglect. Often, caregivers themselves are overwhelmed or carrying their own attachment wounds. But the result is the same, and it’s that love is both essential and unreliable.
How do I know if I have ambivalent attachment?
You may notice repeating patterns in your relationships, like craving reassurance but rarely feeling settled when you receive it. Small shifts in your partner’s tone, attention, or texting habits may trigger outsized worry about abandonment.
Overthinking, analyzing, or swinging between feeling deeply connected and then uncertain are also common. If these patterns show up across multiple relationships, that can be a strong sign of ambivalent attachment.
Can an ambivalent attachment style change over time?
Attachment styles can change. While your early experiences lay the foundation, your attachment style can shift as you build new experiences of safety and stability. Supportive relationships, therapy, and personal work on self-regulation all help strengthen secure attachment.
The process is gradual and often happens through repeated moments of repair and reassurance. Over time, these experiences retrain your nervous system to trust that closeness can last.
What’s the difference between ambivalent and avoidant attachment?
Both ambivalent and avoidant attachment come from early inconsistencies in caregiving, but they lead to opposite coping strategies. People with ambivalent attachment often lean in, seeking closeness, reassurance, and connection. Sometimes, these manifest in ways that feel intense or overwhelming to their partner.
People with avoidant attachment tend to lean out. They value independence, minimize their needs, and withdraw when relationships feel too vulnerable. Ambivalent attachment is marked by fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment is marked by discomfort with intimacy.
Can therapy help with ambivalent attachment?
Yes, therapy can be effective. Working with an attachment-focused therapist gives you a consistent relationship where trust and stability are practiced week after week. Different forms of therapy like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), schema therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy can help you identify old patterns, calm the nervous system, and create new relational habits.
Over time, the therapy relationship itself often serves as a secure base, making it easier to bring those new ways of relating into your everyday life.
How can I deal with an ambivalently attached partner?
Patience and predictability are key. Your partner may need more reassurance than you thought, so offering it consistently and directly can ease their anxiety. For example, sending a quick “thinking of you” text before a long meeting or confirming plans in advance can make a big difference.
At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries around what you can realistically give. A helpful approach is to offer what you can with warmth, and state what you can’t with clarity. That way, your partner feels cared for without you becoming overextended.
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