What is a secure attachment style? Plus, 8 ways to develop it

RelationshipsMental Health

Nov 6

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Yes, it's possible to develop a secure attachment style as an adult. Explore what it is, how it shows up, and tips to move into this attachment style in your relationships.

Some people just seem… steady in relationships. They don’t flinch at a tough conversation, spiral over a delayed text, or make you guess where you stand. Being with them feels safe, not because everything is perfect, but because it’s clear. They’re emotionally present without being overwhelming, and they have boundaries without being cold. And when days go sideways—as they inevitably do—these people have a way of responding that makes you feel seen, not blamed.

This is often what secure attachment looks like. It’s a calm way of relating that’s shaped by early experiences. And while it might be tempting to idealize secure attachment as the “right” way to be in a relationship, the truth is that insecure attachment styles develop for a reason — and the people who have them are just as worthy of understanding and compassion.

So what does secure attachment look like in practice? And what do you do if you’re partnered with someone who has one, but you’re not quite there yet? We’ll break down what secure attachment is, how it shows up in relationships, and ways you can move towards it.

What is a secure attachment style?

Secure attachment is rooted in a sense of emotional steadiness, both within yourself and in connection with others. This doesn’t mean that you’re perfectly regulated or always say the right thing, but that you’re able to show up authentically, weather moments of tension, and stay connected without losing your sense of self.

People with this style tend to trust that their needs matter, and that it’s safe to share them. They don’t assume conflict means catastrophe, and they don’t need to perform emotional gymnastics to stay close to others. Instead, they can reflect, respond with care, and remain emotionally available, even when things get messy or tense.

This capacity for connection isn’t innate — it’s learned. And while many develop it through early caregiving, others cultivate it later in life, especially through therapy or healing relationships. That flexibility is the real power of secure attachment: it’s not a fixed trait. It’s a skill set that can grow with practice. In other words, anyone can become securely attached if they want to.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a psychological model that explains how the bonds we form in early childhood shape our relationships with others throughout our lives. It was first developed by British psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, whose research helped identify different patterns of attachment based on how caregivers responded to a child’s emotional needs.

In simple terms, the theory suggests that our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from people: Are they reliable? Do they show up? Can I trust them with my needs?

Depending on how consistently those needs were met, we develop an internal blueprint—our “attachment style”—that shapes how we approach intimacy, independence, trust, and conflict in adulthood.

There are four primary attachment styles:

Secure: Trusts easily, manages emotions well, and maintains healthy boundaries
Anxious (or preoccupied): Craves closeness but often fears abandonment or rejection
Avoidant (or dismissive): Prefers independence and may withdraw from emotional intensity
Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant): Struggles with both intimacy and autonomy, often due to unresolved trauma

While your attachment style usually forms in childhood, it’s not set in stone. Many adults shift their attachment patterns over time, especially in the context of therapy or emotionally safe relationships. This is often called “earned secure attachment” — and yes, it’s absolutely possible to change from anxious or avoidant to secure.

6 signs of a secure attachment style

You can’t always spot secure attachment on the surface because it’s not characterized by being extroverted, confident, or visibly “put together.” But you can determine if someone is secure based on how they handle the emotional complexity of real connection.

Here are some signs of secure attachment in action:

Comfortable closeness: They can be emotionally close without losing themselves or feeling trapped.
Clear communication: They name their needs and listen to others without defensiveness.
Steady in discomfort: They don’t spiral during tough moments — they stay grounded and open.
Intentional trust-building: They don’t rush intimacy or shut people out. Trust grows over time.
Self-regulating: They manage their emotions instead of expecting others to do it for them.
Willing to repair: They face conflict head-on, apologize when needed, and work to reconnect.

If these traits feel out of reach right now, that’s okay. These are relational skills, not personality traits, and they can be learned, with time, support, and a little self-compassion.

Secure vs insecure attachment in relationships

In practice, the difference between secure and insecure attachment often shows up during moments of emotional intensity. When life feels uncertain or when there’s conflict, distance, or vulnerability, attachment patterns get loud.

Someone with a secure attachment style can usually navigate these moments with perspective. They tend to trust that relationships can survive discomfort, and they don’t interpret every silence or disagreement as a threat. This gives them room to stay calm and work through the issue without getting stuck in fear or defensiveness.

Insecure attachment styles tend to create more internal conflict in these same moments.

Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment may seek reassurance or closeness urgently, fearing abandonment.
Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment may pull away, fearing loss of autonomy or emotional overwhelm.
Disorganized attachment: People with disorganized attachment often feel torn between craving connection and deeply mistrusting it, which can lead to confusion or unpredictability in relationships.

These patterns often are reflective of how safe someone feels when they’re close to someone and things get tense. Insecure attachment styles are often born of inconsistent, critical, or unavailable early relationships and result in protective adaptations.

How to develop a secure attachment style as an adult: 8 mindful tips

If you developed an insecure attachment style in your youth, it can feel frustrating, but you can move towards a more secure one with some inner work.

To do this, you’ll need to start by unlearning survival strategies that once protected you, and developing new ones that help you feel safe in connection. Here are some practical ways to start.

1. Get curious about your current attachment patterns

Before you can shift your style, it helps to understand how it operates. Start by noticing what triggers you in relationships:

Do you panic when someone pulls away, even briefly?
Do you feel suffocated when someone gets emotionally close?
Do you avoid conflict — or escalate it to test your partner’s commitment?

These reactions aren’t random or anything to be ashamed of. They’re signals from your nervous system, shaped by past experiences. Journaling, therapy, or just honest conversations with trusted friends can help you map out your attachment style and how it shows up under stress.

2. Learn to self-regulate in moments of emotional intensity

Securely attached people aren’t immune to big feelings. They’ve just built tools for staying grounded when those feelings hit.

To do this, start small. When you feel triggered, pause and name what’s happening: “I’m feeling anxious because I haven’t heard back from them yet.”

Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. If you’re waiting for a response, put down your phone and do something soothing for your body. The goal isn’t to make the feeling go away, but to remind yourself that you can feel discomfort without falling apart or lashing out.

3. Reframe conflict as an opportunity for connection

If your early experiences taught you that conflict equals danger, it makes sense that you’d avoid it or panic when it happens. But in secure relationships, conflict is still inevitable and can often be reparative.

Next time you hit tension with someone, try:

Using “I” statements instead of blame: “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
Asking clarifying questions: “Can you help me understand what you meant?”
Taking breaks: When things get heated, take a pause and come back when you’re both regulated.

Repair is a muscle. The more you practice it, the less scary it becomes.

4. Set and honor your boundaries

Having a secure attachment style means knowing your limits and communicating them with clarity and care.

This might look like:

Saying no to a plan when you’re exhausted
Telling a friend you need a response window when texting
Letting a partner know you don’t feel ready for a certain kind of intimacy yet

And when others set boundaries with you, notice how you respond. Do you feel rejected? Punished? Try to recognize those feelings without letting them take over the narrative. And process them in a healthy way.

5. Build relationships with people who feel emotionally safe

Not every relationship will support your movement toward security, and that’s okay. You don’t have to “earn” someone’s love by contorting yourself.

Look for people who:

Respond with warmth and consistency
Apologize and repair after hurt
Respect your autonomy without punishing distance
Value emotional honesty

It’s easier to learn secure patterns when you’re not stuck in dynamics that constantly trigger old wounds.

💙 Eager to connect? Explore Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship with Kate Johnson on the Calm app.

6. Rewrite your inner narrative

Your attachment style is partly shaped by how you talk to yourself. If your inner voice is harsh or dismissive, it’s reinforcing the belief that you’re too much, not enough, or unworthy of steady love.

Try gentle reframes:

“I’m feeling anxious because I care, not because I’m broken.”
“It’s okay to take up space in this relationship.”
“I can love someone and still have needs of my own.”

You don’t have to believe these right away. Just keep offering them as an option.

💙 Learn more about how to work with your Inner Critic with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.

7. Explore your story in therapy (especially relational therapy)

A therapist trained in attachment theory can help you identify your patterns, trace them back to their roots, and gently challenge them.

Relational therapy in particular creates a space where the therapist-client relationship becomes a model for secure connection: consistent, emotionally attuned, and respectful of your boundaries.

If therapy isn’t accessible, look for books and workbooks on attachment. You might start with Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller or The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller.

8. Practice self-compassion

Developing secure attachment isn’t a linear path. You will have setbacks and challenges and you may even revert to old patterns in times of stress. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. What matters is that you keep trying.

Security isn’t the absence of fear or need. It’s the ability to acknowledge those feelings without letting them steer the whole ship.

Secure attachment style FAQs

What are the four types of attachment styles?

Attachment theory outlines four main styles that describe how people relate in close relationships:

Secure attachment: Comfortable with closeness and independence, open to emotional expression, and generally trusting
Anxious attachment: Craves intimacy but often feels insecure about whether their partner truly loves or will stay with them
Avoidant attachment: Values independence and often feels uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness or dependency
Disorganized attachment: A mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, often rooted in trauma or inconsistent caregiving

These styles develop in early childhood but continue to shape adult relationships. However, with awareness, they can evolve over time.

Can I become securely attached as an adult?

Yes. Even if your early experiences didn’t give you a strong foundation for secure attachment, it’s absolutely possible to develop one later in life. This process is often called “earned secure attachment,” and it usually happens through consistent relationships, personal reflection, and, for many, therapy.

By practicing emotional regulation, communicating clearly, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can shift toward greater security over time. This doesn’t mean you’ll never feel anxious or avoidant again, but you can continue learning how to respond to those feelings in a grounded, compassionate way.

What are common signs of a secure attachment style?

People with secure attachment tend to handle conflict calmly, respect both their own needs and others’, and feel comfortable with emotional closeness without becoming dependent.

You might notice they’re able to say what they feel without fear, offer support without resentment, and apologize without spiraling into shame. They’re not perfect, but they’re consistent and emotionally available, even when things get uncomfortable.

How does therapy help with secure attachment?

Therapy offers a unique kind of relationship — one that’s consistent, emotionally attuned, and nonjudgmental. For people with insecure attachment styles, this can be a profoundly healing experience. Over time, a therapist can help you identify patterns, explore where they came from, and experiment with new ways of relating in a safe environment.

Relational therapies in particular (like attachment-based, psychodynamic, or somatic therapies) are designed to help rewire old emotional responses and build trust in connection. Even outside of therapy, the process of being truly seen and supported can be reparative.

What’s the main difference between secure and insecure attachment?

The biggest difference is how people respond to emotional vulnerability. Securely attached people are generally able to tolerate discomfort, stay present during conflict, and trust that relationships can withstand tension. Insecurely attached people—whether they’re anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—tend to struggle more with trust, intimacy, and emotional regulation.

Insecure patterns often lead to reactivity like clinging, withdrawing, people-pleasing, or lashing out. Secure attachment doesn’t mean always getting it right. It just means being able to repair, reflect, and keep showing up with care.

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attachment styles

Calm Editorial Team