10 biggest red flags in relationships (and what to do about them)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Discover what red flags in relationships are, including the 10 biggest ones to look out for. Plus, what to do when there are red flags in your relationship.
Dating someone new can be such a fun time in your life. Ideally, getting to know someone is light and exciting and establishing intimacy feels natural and easy. But for some people, as the relationship develops you may start to notice little things that feel “off”. Maybe your partner is exhibiting some concerning behaviors like being dishonest or openly belittling you. Or maybe they’re doing a lot of little things that irritate you, like making jokes at your expense or never being on time.
These uncomfortable behaviors—often called red flags—may start out small but can hint at future problems, so it’s important not to brush them under the rug. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel safe, respected, and valued — and that includes you.
What are red flags in a relationship?
Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that something might be wrong. Certain behaviors, actions, or attitudes might indicate a relationship is unhealthy — or even harmful. They can be obvious, like physical abuse, or subtle, like constant criticism. Pay attention to these signals, because seeing unhealthy patterns before they become deeply ingrained can help you make choices that may prevent pain down the line.
Why recognizing red flags early is important
Identifying red flags early can prevent problems from escalating, and, ultimately, save you from emotional harm. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Knowing what red flags to look out for can also help you make better choices about your relationship. You can decide whether to work on the issues with your partner, or to end the relationship. No matter what you do, recognizing these signs can help you set boundaries and build healthier relationships in general. You’ll be able to recognize what's unacceptable so you can seek out partners who make you feel respected and valued.
Importance of self-awareness
Pay attention to how your partner's behavior makes you feel. If you’re frequently unhappy or scared, it might be time to reassess the relationship. Talk to friends, family, or a counselor to help you see red flags more clearly. These 10 mindful questions can also help you check-in with yourself and explore how you’re feeling.
10 biggest red flags in a relationship and what to look out for
Recognizing red flags in a relationship is critical for your emotional and physical wellbeing, here are 10 of the most common ones to look out for.
1. They exhibit controlling behavior
This occurs when one partner tries to be in charge of the other’s actions, decisions, or interactions with others.
Dictating who you can spend time with: Telling you who you can or can’t be friends with, or whether you can see your family
Monitoring your activities: Checking your phone, emails, or social media accounts without your permission
Making decisions for you: Insisting on making decisions about your life, like your career or how you spend your free time
Financially abusing you: Limiting your independence by restricting your access to money, such as not letting you work, taking your earnings, or giving you an allowance and monitoring your spending
2. Their communication style doesn’t match yours
When communication isn’t open and honest, or when your partner refuses to talk about certain topics, that could be a red flag.
Refusing to discuss important topics: Avoiding conversations about feelings, future plans, or problems in the relationship
Giving you the silent treatment: Withdrawing communication to punish or manipulate you
Ignoring your input: Not valuing or considering your opinions and feelings during discussions
3. You receive constant criticism from them
Notice if your partner frequently puts you down, makes you feel unworthy, or undermines your confidence.
Making negative comments about your appearance: Regularly criticizing your looks, clothing choices, or body
Belittling your achievements: Downplaying or dismissing your successes and accomplishments
Mocking your thoughts or feelings: Making fun of your opinions, emotions, or ideas
4. You’ve experienced abuse
Physical, emotional, or mental harm is a serious red flag that should never be ignored.
Harming you physically: Hitting, slapping, pushing, or any form of physical violence
Making verbal insults: Yelling, name-calling, or making hurtful remarks
Manipulating you: Using guilt, fear, or intimidation to control you
5. They have anger management issues
An inability to control anger can lead to aggressive behavior, which may be harmful and frightening.
Having frequent outbursts: Exploding in anger over minor issues or conflicts
Engaging in destructive behavior: Throwing objects, breaking things, or engaging in other aggressive acts
Making threats: Intimidating you by saying they’ll hurt you
6. You’ve experienced gaslighting
This occurs when an abuser makes you doubt your own reality or feelings.
Denying things that happened: Questioning your memory or insisting events or conversations never took place, which can make you feel unsure about your recollections and perceptions
Blaming you for their actions: Shifting responsibility for their bad behavior onto you and guilt-tripping you into believing you’re to blame for something you aren’t responsible for
7. They display secretive behavior or keep things from you
Hiding things from you or being overly private about certain aspects of their life can be a sign that something is wrong.
Not sharing their phone or computer: Being overly protective or secretive about their digital devices
Being vague about their whereabouts: Giving unclear answers about where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing
Keeping financial secrets: Hiding money issues, debts, or large purchases from you
8. They have a substance abuse issue
Substance abuse that severely impacts your relationship or your partner’s ability to function normally can be damaging to both parties.
Being intoxicated regularly: Being drunk, high, or under the influence more than being sober
Prioritizing substances over the relationship: Choosing to use substances rather than spending time with you
Financial problems: Spending excessive money on alcohol or drugs, leading to financial instability
9. They’re dishonest
Dishonest behaviors can undermine the fundamental trust in a relationship.
Lying about important things: Hiding significant information or events from you
Breaking promises: Frequently not following through on commitments
Being evasive: Avoiding direct answers or being purposefully unclear
10. They exhibit extreme jealousy
While a little protectiveness may be normal, extreme jealousy can be toxic.
Making constant accusations: Frequently accusing you of cheating or flirting without reason
Monitoring your interactions: Wanting to know where you are and who you’re with at all times
Isolating you: Trying to cut you off from friends, family, or activities to keep you to themselves
How to identify red flags early on
Here are a few practical strategies that can help you identify warning signs early and hopefully protect yourself from harm.
Listen to your intuition
If that little voice in your head is telling you something is wrong, it’s best not to ignore it. Pay attention to your feelings, and remember that you don’t deserve to be anxious, uncomfortable, or unhappy around your partner more often than feeling safe.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries or challenge your partner. All couples disagree at times, but it’s key to notice your partner’s reactions when you aren’t aligned.
Ask yourself how you feel after spending time with your partner. Do you feel supported and valued, or do you feel drained and criticized? Your answers may give you insight into what’s really going on in your relationship.
💙 Reflect on how you’re feeling each day and in each situation by using the Emotions Check-In guided meditation.
Seek advice from trusted friends
Friends and family may notice things you don’t. If you have concerns, ask for their perspectives. Encourage them to be truthful about what they see in your relationship, and take their advice seriously.
Also, notice how your partner interacts with your loved ones and reacts to your friendships. Do they get along with your friends? Do you feel caught in the middle a lot?
💙 Pay better attention to how your friends and family feel by using the Open Listening technique from this session of the Daily Trip.
Practice mindfulness
Regularly check in with yourself. Focus on your current interactions and how they make you feel — and if you can, observe your thoughts without judgment. Notice your partner’s behavior and your reactions without immediately trying to explain or justify them.
💙 Here are five simple ways to boost mindfulness in your daily life.
Observe behavior over time
Do negative behaviors happen repeatedly? One-time incidents might not be red flags, but consistent patterns are likely to be.
See how your partner behaves under stress or in difficult situations, as these can bring out true behavior patterns. Pay special attention to how your partner handles disagreements. Are they willing to communicate and resolve issues, or do they resort to blame and anger? Be aware of changes in behavior as the relationship progresses, as early kindness or respect may fade as time goes on.
💙 Take a moment to breathe and try to Slow the Swirl In Your Mind, especially during times of high stress with this practice from Jay Shetty.
Trust your observations
Your direct observations are crucial, but sometimes abusive behaviors can make you doubt yourself. So, it’s important that you rely on your own judgment.
If your memories have become foggy or confusing, start documenting what happens. Keep a written record of concerning actions or conversations and how often they occur. Verify your observations with actual events rather than assumptions or excuses. For example, if you suspect you’re being gaslit, keeping a log of your conversations can help you identify patterns.
It might be helpful to compare with other relationships you know to be healthy. These can be relationships you have with others, or relationships of those around you. Observe those relationships and see how yours compares.
If you’re still unsure about your observations, speak to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships.
💙 Indulge in self-kindness with a (Self) Love Bomb, a mindfulness practice to help you build self-trust with Jeff Warren.
What to do when you notice red flags: 5 steps
Taking action when you notice red flags is crucial for maintaining your emotional and physical health, so you can protect yourself and build healthier relationships in future.
1. Communicate your concerns
If you notice red flags, start by talking to your partner about your concerns if you feel safe enough to do so.
Choose the right time by finding a calm, private moment to discuss your concerns without distractions. If you’re concerned about an escalation of behaviors or for your safety, a quiet corner of a restaurant or cafe might be a good choice to talk. Clearly describe the behaviors that worry you. Use specific examples and avoid generalizations. Focus on how the behavior makes you feel rather than accusing your partner. For example, say, “I feel hurt when you criticize me in front of others,” instead of “You’re always putting me down.” Allow your partner to respond and actively listen to their perspective.
💙 Learn how to approach tough conversations with patience and care in our Kind Communication meditation, led by Tamara Levitt.
2. Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional and physical wellbeing. If boundaries are hard for you (join the club!) check out these nine tips for setting healthy boundaries.
To start, think about what behaviors are unacceptable to you and why. Let your partner know what these expectations are and why they’re important to you. Enforce your boundaries consistently, and try not to make exceptions that undermine their importance. And while you expect your partner to respect your boundaries, it’s important to practice the golden rule and respect their boundaries, too.
💙 Tune in to The Daily Trip to learn more about the Secret to Better Boundaries from Jeff Warren.
3. Seek counseling
See a therapist on your own to discuss your feelings and concerns. This can help you gain clarity and confidence.
If your partner is willing to go too, couples therapy can help you address relationship issues and improve communication. Look for a licensed therapist with experience in relationship counseling. Personal recommendations or online reviews can be helpful.
4. Prioritize your wellbeing
If you’re finding yourself overwhelmed by relationship issues or red flags, remember that your wellbeing should always come first. Do what makes you feel good, like exercise, engaging in a fun hobby, or spending time with supportive friends and family — get inspiration from this list of 20 self-care activities to support your wellbeing.
Surround yourself with people who care about you and can provide emotional support. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it’s okay to prioritize your needs.
💙 Rediscover what brings you joy and makes you feel good with Tamara Levitt’s 7 Days of Happiness series.
5. End the relationship if necessary
If red flags persist and your partner is unwilling to change, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. Think about practicalities, such as finding a new place to live (if necessary), or how to divide your shared belongings. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance during the breakup. End the relationship in a clear, respectful manner, explaining your reasons without blaming or arguing. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal before you focus on rebuilding your life.
💙 Try a self-care meditations, like Permission to Be, to guide you through this time of change.
When to seek immediate help
If you ever feel unsafe or threatened, seek immediate help from authorities or a domestic violence hotline. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 for confidential support, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You may also consider contacting a lawyer or legal aid organization for legal advice or intervention.
Biggest red flags FAQs
What are some subtle red flags that are easy to overlook?
Subtle red flags can be difficult to spot but are just as important to recognize.
Excessive flattery: At first, constant compliments may seem positive, but if your partner's compliments feel insincere or overwhelming, it could be a tactic to win your favor quickly and manipulate your emotions.
Lack of respect for your time: If your partner frequently shows up late without a good reason, it might indicate that you’re not a priority.
Guilt trips: Making you feel guilty for things you shouldn't feel guilty about can be a subtle way to control your behavior.
Backhanded compliments: These are disguised insults, such as “You’re pretty smart for someone who didn’t go to college.”
Isolation from friends and family: Your partner might subtly discourage you from seeing your friends and family. They may frame it as wanting to spend more time with you, but the underlying intent might be to isolate you.
Inconsistency in words and actions: Saying one thing but doing another can indicate a lack of integrity or reliability.
Overly critical jokes: Teasing or jokes at your expense can be a way to belittle you while making you feel like a bummer to be around.
What are the 10 red flag symptoms?
Common red flag symptoms can indicate a potentially unhealthy relationship:
Controlling behavior: Dictating your actions, choices, or interactions
Lack of communication: Avoiding important discussions or dismissing your feelings
Constant criticism: Regularly putting you down or making negative comments about you
Abuse: Physical, emotional, or mental harm or manipulation
Anger management issues: Frequent outbursts, aggressive actions, or threats
Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own reality or feelings
Secretive behavior: Hiding information or being overly private
Substance abuse: Dependence on drugs or alcohol that affects the relationship
Dishonesty: Lying or withholding important information
Extreme jealousy: Excessive accusations and monitoring of your interactions
Can red flags appear later in a relationship?
Yes, red flags can appear at any stage of a relationship, not just at the beginning. Significant life events such as job loss, financial stress, or family issues can reveal or increase problematic behaviors over time. As partners become more comfortable with each other, their true nature may surface. Shifts in power dynamics can reveal controlling or manipulative tendencies, and differences in long-term goals and values that were not obvious at first can become significant red flags as the relationship deepens.
A partner’s behavior may also change due to external influences like new friends, changes in social circles, or substance abuse, leading to the emergence of red flags later in the relationship.
What is a green flag in a relationship?
Green flags are positive indicators of a healthy relationship. A few examples might be:
Open communication: Both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings.
Mutual respect: Each partner values the other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality.
Supportive behavior: Both partners support each other’s goals, dreams, and wellbeing.
Trust: There’s a strong sense of trust, and both partners feel secure in the relationship.
Equality: Decisions and responsibilities are shared equally without one partner dominating the other.
Healthy conflict resolution: Disagreements are handled calmly and constructively without resorting to blame or aggression.
Independence: Both partners maintain their own identities and friendships outside the relationship.
Consistent actions and words: Partners follow through on their promises.
Empathy and compassion: Both partners show understanding and care for each other’s feelings and experiences.
Shared values and goals: Partners have similar values and are aligned on important life goals.
What is a black flag in a relationship?
A black flag is a severe warning sign that indicates the relationship is incredibly unhealthy and possibly dangerous. Black flags often require immediate attention and action.
Abuse: Any form of physical, sexual, or severe emotional abuse that poses a threat to your safety
Extreme control: Complete domination over your actions, decisions, finances, and social interactions
Threats and intimidation: Using threats of violence or other forms of intimidation to control you
Stalking: Monitoring your every move, invading your privacy, and following you without your consent
Isolation from all support systems: Completely cutting you off from friends, family, and any form of external support
Total lack of empathy: Complete disregard for your feelings, wellbeing, and humanity
Illegal activities: Involving you in illegal activities or endangering you through their criminal behavior
Unrelenting substance abuse: Severe substance abuse that leads to dangerous behaviors and refusal to seek help
Chronic infidelity: Ongoing and blatant infidelity without any remorse or intention to change
Persistent lying and manipulation: Constant deception and manipulation with no regard for the truth
If you suspect that you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 for confidential support, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship.
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