First-date nerves: 10 ways to calm dating anxiety
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
First-date nerves and anxiety are normal but unsettling. Learn how to calm dating anxiety, and relax before a first date with our 10 tips for first-date nerves.
Going out dating can be great fun, but the lead up to a first date might bring a few nerves. Don’t worry—many people feel like this. The pressure to make a great first impression or the fear of awkward silences can cause what’s commonly known as first-date nerves.
Understanding what triggers these feelings and learning how to manage them can transform your dating experience from nerve-wracking to exciting.
What causes first-date nerves?
A new romantic journey can be exhilarating. But the thought of a first date can bring lots of emotions, including the infamous first-date jitters. So, what are the psychological factors, thought patterns, and fears that contribute to the nervous energy you feel before a date? Recognizing your thought patterns and triggers is the first step toward overcoming first-date nerves.
Fear of judgment
One of the primary triggers of first-date nerves is the fear of being judged. It's human nature to want to be accepted, and the thought of being rated by a potential romantic partner can be daunting. This fear can lead to overthinking every gesture, word, and reaction, causing a spiral of anxiety that might feel hard to escape.
Social anxiety
Social anxiety can play a significant role in first-date nerves. Meeting someone new, especially with romantic intentions, can heighten worries around conversation dynamics, awkward silences, and how you’re perceived.
Performance pressure
There's an underlying pressure to 'perform' well on a first date—to be at your best to secure a chance for a second date. This performance pressure can manifest in various ways—whether it's stressing over what to wear, rehearsing conversations in your mind, or worrying about how the date will unfold.
Unfamiliarity and uncertainty
Unfamiliarity with the person you’re about to meet or the venue you are heading to can cause first-date nerves, too. The uncertainty surrounding how the date will go, and if there’ll be a connection or if it’ll lead to a second date, adds to the nervous energy.
Common thought patterns
You might find yourself engulfed in negative self-talk or catastrophic thinking, envisioning the worst-case scenario. A pessimistic outlook can bring heightened anxiety and overshadow the exciting prospect of a new connection.
How mindfulness can ease first-date nerves and help you relax
You’ve probably heard about mindfulness and its many benefits, but did you know it can be a game-changer when it comes to first-date nerves, too? Mindfulness encourages you to stay present, which is essential when trying to connect with someone new.
Here are some mindfulness exercises to practice before your date:
Deep breathing: Spend a few minutes focusing on your breath. Inhale slowly, hold for a couple of seconds, then exhale. This can center your thoughts and reduce anxiety.
Visualization: Before your date, close your eyes and imagine everything going smoothly. Picture the conversations flowing, both of you laughing, and the overall atmosphere being relaxed and enjoyable. This mental rehearsal can boost your confidence and set a positive tone, making you feel more prepared and optimistic about the upcoming encounter.
Grounding techniques: If you find your mind racing, try to anchor yourself by focusing on your senses. The 5,4,3,2,1 exercise can help shift your focus from anxiety-inducing thoughts. Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
Mindfulness meditation: Even a few minutes of meditation can ground you. Take some time to center yourself, find clarity, and approach the date with a calmer state of mind.
Using mindfulness techniques can offer clarity, allowing you to see beyond your anxiety and truly be engaged on your date.
10 ways to calm first-date nerves and dating anxiety
Feeling nervous is a common part of the dating process. But with the right strategies, you can navigate through the emotions that might have held you back from dating in the past. It is possible to turn first-date nerves and anxiety into excitement and have a more relaxed, enjoyable experience. By embracing these strategies, you can open the door to meaningful connections.
1. Set realistic expectations
Remember, every date is a learning experience. It’s not about achieving a perfect rendezvous but about getting to know someone and learning more about yourself in the process. It’s alright if things don’t go as planned, every experience teaches you something valuable.
💙 Feeling nervous before a date? Try our See With Delight meditation from our Dating Courageously series.
2. Prepare a list of conversational topics
We know it sounds awkward but preparing a list of light, non-controversial topics for conversation can help you ease into the discussion and avoid awkward silences.
3. Chat with a friend beforehand
Share your pre-date jitters with a trusted friend. Sometimes, verbalizing your feelings can provide relief—and your friend might even offer reassurance.
4. Walk it off
Take a short walk before your date. Some light exercise can help clear your mind and release some of that built-up nervous energy.
💙 Explore a Walking meditation to combine mindfulness with physical activity, creating a calming pre-date ritual.
5. Give yourself a pep talk
Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Encouraging self-talk can boost your confidence and create a positive mindset as you head into the date. Remember, meeting a new person is an opportunity for growth and new experiences.
💙 Looking to feel a bit smoother going on a date? Check out The Fonzie Effect from our Dating Courageously series.
6. Pick a familiar spot for your first date
Give yourself the comfort of being in a familiar environment for your first date. By minimizing uncertainty in some of the areas you can control (like the location), you’ll likely ease some of your first-date nerves.
7. Listen to music as you get ready
Create a pre-date playlist of favorite tunes that uplift and calm your nerves. Music has the power to shift your mood and get you ready for a positive dating experience.
💙 Some calming music before a date might put you in a more relaxed headspace. Check out Chopin In The Rain, which combines music and a relaxing rain soundscape.
8. Practice self-care rituals
Engage in self-care rituals that make you feel good and boost your confidence before heading out. Whether it’s a relaxing bath, a skincare routine, or reading a chapter from your favorite book, self-care can help center your mind.
💙 If practicing self-care isn’t second nature to you, check out our Radical Self-Care series.
9. Focus on your date, not yourself
When nervous, it's easy to become overly self-aware, fretting over every gesture or word. Instead, shift your attention to getting to know the other person. Listen actively to what they're saying, ask questions, and genuinely immerse yourself in the conversation. This not only distracts from anxiety but also creates a richer, more engaging experience for both of you.
💙 Learn more about how to be truly present on a date. Check out Into Me See from our Dating Courageously series.
10. Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself. It’s natural to want to make a good impression, but no one is perfect. If something doesn't go as planned or feels awkward, give yourself a break. Remind yourself that everyone has those moments, and they don’t define your worth or the potential of the connection.
First-date nerves FAQs
Is it normal to be really nervous on a first date?
Absolutely! Many people feel nervous, and it’s a natural reaction to new experiences. Meeting someone new—especially in a romantic setting—can trigger nerves as we hope to make a good impression and feel uncertain about how the date will go.
How do you not get awkward on a first date?
Reducing awkwardness on a first date can be achieved by preparing and practicing a few strategies:
Prepare topics: Have a few light, engaging topics in mind to keep the conversation flowing.
Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in what your date is saying. Active listening can lead to more natural and less awkward interactions.
Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to stay in the present moment, which can help reduce overthinking that might lead to awkwardness.
Self-compassion: Remember, it's okay to have awkward moments. Being kind and understanding toward yourself and your date can create a more relaxed environment.
How do I stop overthinking on a first date?
Overthinking can be managed through a few techniques:
Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness exercises to bring your focus back to the present moment whenever you find your mind wandering into the territory of overthinking.
Positive affirmations: Utilize positive affirmations to replace negative or over-analytical thoughts.
Breathing exercises: If you find yourself overthinking, take a few deep breaths to center your mind.
Stay engaged: Keep yourself engaged in the conversation and enjoy the experience rather than over-analyzing every detail.
How should a first date make you feel?
A first date should ideally be an exciting and enjoyable experience. While it's natural to feel nervous, the overall experience should be pleasant, leaving you with a sense of curiosity and interest in getting to know the other person better. It's a chance to explore the possibility of a new relationship.
How long should a first date last?
The length of a first date can vary greatly depending on the individual and how well the date is going. There isn't a fixed rule, but generally, a first date might last anywhere from one to three hours. It's long enough to get to know each other but not too long that it becomes draining. It's important to leave a sense of intrigue and interest for future dates. If the conversation is flowing and both parties are enjoying themselves, it could last longer. However, if it's clear that there isn't a connection, it's perfectly fine to cut it short.
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