Struggling with how to ask someone out? These 10 tips can help

Relationships

Jul 10

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

It's not just you, the thought of asking someone out has most of us stress-sweating. Learn how to quiet the anxiety and ask someone out with confidence using these 10 tips.

The thought of asking someone out can fill your stomach with butterflies, but it can also make you so nervous that you want to crawl under the covers. And it’s no wonder: Putting yourself out there can be one of the most vulnerable things you can do.

Asking someone out is basically telling them that you think they’re special, and if they don’t feel the same way about you, it can really sting. Plus, it can be especially scary for people who live with anxiety or have a particular sensitivity to rejection.

But connection is almost always worth the risk. When you form a special bond with someone, it can open up your world to new experiences, feelings, and growth.

If your palms sweat at the thought of asking someone out, or you draft a million texts before sending your crush a message, we see you and we’ve got you. Here’s how you can do it in a way that honors your nervous system and feels authentic to you.

Why asking someone out can be so scary

Asking someone out feels scary because it taps into some of our most human fears, like rejection, embarrassment, and the risk of showing someone the real you.

On top of this, for people with anxiety, those fears can get amplified. You could overthink every word or spiral into worst-case scenarios. If this is true for you, remind yourself that you’re afraid because you care. You’re doing something honest and vulnerable, and that takes guts.

It also helps to remember that most people aren’t the effortlessly smooth characters we imagine them to be. Deep down, everyone is just trying to connect and feel a little less alone.

How to ask someone out without the stress: 10 mindful tips

Asking someone out can make your heart race in both good and bad ways. But there are ways to do it that won’t make you feel like you’re about to hurl yourself off an emotional cliff.

If you want to ask someone out without being overcome with nerves, try these 10 tips.

1. Regulate your nervous system first

Before you initiate anything, pause and ground yourself. When you’re anxious, your nervous system can enter fight, flight, or freeze mode, which can make words harder to find.

To get settled, place your hand on your chest and take three slow, deep breaths. Inhale for four counts and exhale for six counts. This can help calm you and bring you back into the present moment.

Here are 18 other grounding exercises that can help relieve your anxiety before asking someone out.

2. Don’t aim for perfect, aim for clear and kind

Focus less on saying the “right” thing and more on expressing your interest in a way that’s sincere and direct.

Here are two ways you could start the conversation:

“Hey, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you. Would you want to grab a coffee sometime?”
“I like spending time with you. Would you want to grab dinner sometime soon?”

3. Choose a method that feels manageable

Both in-person conversations and texting communication have their pros and cons. There’s no “right” way here, so pick the medium that feels the most doable and authentic to you.

If you text, try to keep it personal and direct, and avoid vague or overly casual messages. If you ask someone in person, give yourself space before the conversation to breathe and center yourself.

4. Remember that confidence isn’t a prerequisite

Confidence usually shows up after you do the scary thing, not before. The reality is that most people feel nervous before asking someone on a date. It just means your brain is working overtime to protect you from a perceived risk.

Remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel anxious, and then choose bravery.

💙 Get into the right mindset before texting your crush by listening to this Confidence meditation with Tamara Levitt.

5. Prepare for the moment with a grounding mantra

Sometimes, your mind can get noisy before you do a nerve-wracking thing. To anchor yourself, do a grounding mantra (here are 10 that can help with anxiety).

You could say, “It’s okay to feel nervous and do it anyway,” or “My worth is not determined by their answer.” Then, say it in your head before you reach out.

💙 Quiet your mind by listening to the Daily Calm’s session on Grounding.

6. Lightly rehearse what you want to say

Practicing what you want to say helps you get familiar with your own voice. It can also calm the panic that comes with not knowing what you’ll say.

Try saying it out loud to yourself or a trusted friend. You could also practice in front of a mirror if that helps. Your goal should be to reduce the fear of the unknown, but not to script every word.

7. Don’t over-explain or over-apologize

It can be tempting to couch your ask with qualifiers, but you’re allowed to want what you want. As long as you aren’t crossing a boundary someone has set or entering unsafe territory, asking someone out without apologizing for it is usually okay. So, be clear and honest.

Avoid saying phrases like, “It’s totally fine if not,” “I know this is weird,” or “Sorry if this is out of the blue.” These phrases often undermine your confidence, and that’s not what you need in this moment.

8. Know your window of comfort and move beyond it gently

If the thought of asking someone out feels paralyzing, start smaller. Maybe just make intentional eye contact today. The next time you see them, try complimenting them and gradually build from there.

Small steps build confidence. You don’t have to leap. You just have to move.

9. Don’t make their answer your identity

If they say yes, that’s great. But if they say no, this doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable. Their response solely reflects their capacity, their preferences, or their timing. It does not reflect your worth.

As much as you can, try to separate the outcome from your value. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, but avoid turning it into a story about your brokenness. (Here are 10 more tips to help you handle rejection.

10. Build a ritual for after

Asking someone out is emotionally taxing, and you deserve a reward for showing up with that kind of courage.

So, whatever the response, create a soft landing for yourself. Plan something afterward that feels nurturing, like a walk, a chat with a friend, or journaling.

What to do if they say no (or don’t really give you an answer)

Rejection can feel awful, and those bad feelings might cause you to shut down, but you can get through it. It means that you were brave enough to show up — and that’s something to be proud of.

Oftentimes, rejection is redirection. If you ask someone out and they say, “no,” then you can move on to someone who’d be delighted to spend time with you. Here’s how you can handle it if someone says no or gives you a noncommittal answer.

If they say no

Even when someone lets you down gently, it can sting. You may feel embarrassed, deflated, and even ashamed. This is completely valid, but this isn’t a reflection on your worth. It’s just one person’s answer.

When it happens, respect their “no” and avoid pushing for a different answer or waiting around in case they change their mind. Boundaries are a form of care for both of you.

To feel better in this scenario, here’s what you can do:

Feel the feeling: Let yourself be sad, frustrated, or disappointed. Cry, journal, or do whatever will help you process the rejection.
Avoid the self-blame spiral: Your brain might try to look for what you did “wrong.” People have their own stuff going on. So, don’t take their no and turn it into a story about being unlovable or broken.
Phone a friend: Talk to someone who reminds you that you’re still amazing and still worthy.

If they give a vague or noncommittal answer

A lot of times, this can feel worse than a clean “no.” A “maybe” or “we should sometime” can leave you stuck in limbo and guessing.

To deal with this situation, here’s what to do:

Give it space, but set a limit: Respect their answer, but don’t leave the door open forever. Wait a week or two, and if there’s still no clarity, you’re allowed to move on.
You can follow up: One check-in is okay. You could say, “Hey, no pressure at all, just wondering if you’re still up for coffee sometime?” If they still hesitate or go quiet, then that’s your answer.

Don’t chase ambiguity: If someone is unsure, let that be a soft “no” and redirect your energy toward people who are excited to know you. You deserve clear interest and not breadcrumbs.

How to ask someone out FAQs

What’s a good (and polite) way to ask someone out?

Generally, the best approach is clear, kind, and authentic to you. Something simple like, “I really like spending time with you. Would you want to go out sometime?” or “Would you be open to getting a coffee or drink this week?” can do wonders.

Make your goal to express your interest without expectation, and to give the other person space to respond honestly. If your tone is respectful and you’re speaking from a place of care, you’re already doing it right.

What if I get so nervous asking someone out that I freeze up?

This is common, especially if you deal with social anxiety or rejection sensitivity. If you find yourself freezing, take it as a cue to pause, but don’t give up. Instead, ground yourself with a breath and then try again.

If the words still won’t come, try writing out your ask in a message. It’s okay to start where you feel safe. Over time, these moments can become fewer and fewer as you build tolerance for the discomfort.

Is it better to ask a person out in person or over text?

It depends on your comfort level and the situation. Asking someone out in person can allow for richer, more meaningful communication. You can read tone, facial expression, and body language. But it can also bring more pressure, especially if you struggle with anxiety.

On the other hand, text can provide the space to choose your words and breathe through the nerves without the intensity of immediate feedback. If the connection is more casual, text could feel natural.

Do what feels most genuine to you and not what you think you’re “supposed” to do.

What should I do if the person I asked out says ‘maybe’ or seems unsure?

“Maybe” is one of those answers that can feel more confusing than helpful. It could mean they’re interested but genuinely busy. On the other hand, it could also be a gentle way of deflecting without rejecting.

If they seem unsure, give them space, but don’t leave yourself dangling forever. Instead, follow up once a little time has passed. After that, if they’re still hesitant or vague, consider it a no.

How do I deal with rejection in a healthy way?

Rejection hurts. Most of the time, it activates some of our most vulnerable wiring. So, here are some caring ways you can cope with it:

Let yourself feel disappointed, but avoid letting it define your self-worth.
Talk to people who know and love you.
Do something kind for yourself.
Give your nervous system space to recalibrate.
Remind yourself that their “no” is about their perspective, their readiness, and their preferences, and not a statement on your value as a person.

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Calm Editorial Team