How to come out to your parents with confidence and care
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Coming out to your parents can be a scary and vulnerable process. Learn how to prepare for this big life moment and 9 tips to take care of yourself before and after.
There are few moments in your life that you know will be big — and coming out to your parents is one of them. In fact, the pressure of it can almost make you want to hide under the covers and never come out.
But you don’t have to come out until you’re ready. There’s no ticking clock. Whenever you feel safe and comfortable is the right time to come out. If the thought of telling your parents right now feels too heavy, that’s okay. Wait until it feels a little easier to picture. After all, you deserve to come out in a way that prioritizes your emotional safety and wellbeing.
This act is brave and vulnerable, and like with anything big, it becomes a lot more manageable when you break it into smaller steps. So when (and if) you feel ready, here are some practical ways you can start the process.
Most importantly, whatever you choose, remember, it doesn’t change who you are. You are already whole. You are already worthy, and you already matter.
Should I come out to my parents?
Before you think about how to come out, it’s worth asking yourself if now is the right time — and whether it’s the right decision for your current situation. This is a deeply personal decision and there’s a wide range of family dynamics, cultural expectations, and safety considerations that can affect your choice.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself before coming out:
What does safety look like for me? Will coming out put you at risk either emotionally, physically, or financially? Would their reaction affect your stability in any way?
Am I emotionally prepared for different responses? Even well-meaning parents can respond with confusion or silence. Also, some responses can be outright hurtful, dismissive, or harmful. Are you ready to navigate that — and do you have support if things go sideways?
Do I want them to know right now? You might feel proud of your identity but still unsure about telling your parents. That’s valid. Wanting privacy isn’t the same as hiding.
Also, it’s okay if you don’t have a clear answer yet. Take your time and come out when you feel ready in a way that honors your boundaries, your safety, and your emotional wellbeing.
5 steps to prepare before coming out
Preparing to come out can help you mentally and emotionally when the moment finally arrives. Here are five steps to help you get ready:
1. Think about what you want to say
Having a rough idea of your message can ease some of the pressure. Do you want to just share your identity? Do you want to set a boundary? It’s okay to keep it simple and say something like, “I want to share something important with you. I’m [your identity], and this is part of who I’ve always been.”
If it helps, write it down or practice saying it out loud, even just to yourself. Also, remind yourself that what matters most is that it feels true to you.
2. Anticipate different reactions
Your parents could respond with love — or they could respond with shock and awkward silence. Either way, you don’t need to manage their emotions. With that said, preparing for a range of responses can help you stay grounded.
If you can, identify the emotional outcomes you’re not responsible for. It’s not your job to educate them in one conversation, or to make them instantly comfortable. Your only job is to honor yourself.
3. Choose your timing wisely
Pick a quiet moment like after dinner or during a walk. This could offer more space for both you and your parents to breathe. As much as you can, avoid high-stress days, emotionally charged moments, or times when privacy is limited.
4. Find your support squad
Line up your emotional safety net ahead of time. This could be a best friend, a therapist, or an online community.
Let at least one person know when you’re planning to come out, and then check in with them before and after. Coming out is vulnerable, but you don’t have to hold it all by yourself.
5. Know your exit plan
Not every conversation goes smoothly — and that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. So, have a plan in place for how to take care of yourself if things get heavy.
This could mean planning to leave the house afterwards for a walk, or having a calming practice ready, like a breathing exercise.
What to say when you’re coming out to your parents
There’s no perfect script for coming out. Really, all that matters is that you speak your truth in a way that feels right to you. But here are few tips can help:
Start with intention
Sometimes the most powerful way to begin is by sharing why you’re telling them. You could simply say, “You’re important to me, and I want you to know this part of my life.”
Saying a statement like this can gently frame the conversation in terms of connection rather than confrontation.
Keep it simple and honest
Your identity doesn’t need to be explained or justified. You’re not asking permission. You’re offering insight into who you are. You could say,” “I’m gay/bi/pan/trans/queer/etc. It’s something I’ve known for a while.” or “Nothing about me has changed. This is just a part of me that I wanted you to know.”
Also if you’re still figuring it out, it’s okay to say something like, “I’m exploring my sexuality/gender identity, and I wanted to share that with you.”
Consider their emotional bandwidth
If your parents tend to get overwhelmed easily or have little exposure to LGBTQIA+ conversations, you could choose to offer space for questions — on your terms, and with boundaries.
You might say, “I’m open to talking more about this when you’re ready, but I’m not looking for advice or debate.” or “If you’re not sure how to respond right now, that’s okay. I just needed to say it.”
If speaking feels impossible, try writing it
Writing a letter or sending a thoughtful message can give you the space to express yourself clearly. You can also avoid real-time reactions if you’re not ready for that.
You could write a message like, “I’m [your identity]. This is something I’ve carried quietly. Also, you don’t have to say anything right away. I’m just sharing it now because I want you to know me fully.”
How to take care of yourself during and after coming out: 9 mindful tips
Coming out is a big life experience that comes with a lot of feelings. It can feel vulnerable, exhausting, raw, and a million other emotions.
To take better care of yourself throughout this experience, you might try to:
1. Create a calming ritual beforehand
Ground yourself before the conversation to give you something to hold onto. Consider doing a breathing exercise, going for a short walk, or listening to music that soothes you.
You could also try inhaling for four counts, exhaling for six, and then repeating this three times. (Here are 18 other grounding exercises that can help relieve your anxiety.)
2. Check in with your body during the conversation
Notice any tension you’re holding, like a clenched jaw or tight shoulders. This is most likely your body’s way of trying to protect you. So, gently soften those areas when you can, or even excuse yourself for a moment if you need a reset.
Consider planning a neutral reason to step away if needed like, “I need a quick minute, I’ll be right back.”
💙 If you need to check in with your body during a break, listen to Body Scan with Tamara Levitt.
3. Reaffirm your boundaries
You don’t have to answer every question, or say anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. If something feels too much, say so.
When you feel overwhelmed, try saying, “That’s something I’m not ready to talk about right now.” Or, “Let’s pause there. I need a bit of space.”
(Here are six emotional resilience tips if you feel overwhelmed during your coming out process.)
4. Have a post-talk landing place
Make a plan for what you’ll do afterwards. You could call a friend, watch a comfort show, or even go for a drive. Just make sure to let yourself decompress.
5. Name what you’re feeling
When things are emotionally charged, your mind could race or go totally blank. In that moment, naming what you’re feeling can really help bring you back to center.
Try checking in with a simple, “I feel [emotion]. It makes sense that I feel this way because [reason].”
6. Let your nervous system catch up
Even if things went better than expected, you could still feel wired, and that’s normal. Your nervous system will most likely need time to downshift.
Gentle movement or stretching can help calm your nervous system and make you feel stable again. In addition, here are seven other gentle movement exercises that can help you feel better.
7. Write it out
Journaling or recording voice notes can help you make sense of the conversation and track how you feel, especially if your parents’ reactions were confusing or mixed.
One way you could start your entry is to write, “Here’s what I want to remember from this experience…”
8. Protect your peace
If your parents respond poorly, resist the urge to re-engage. You’re more than allowed to put space between their reaction and your wellbeing.
💙 Take a step back if things get tough and listen to Lama Rod Owens’ Coming Out series.
9. Remind yourself that this is a beginning
This one moment does not define your whole story. It’s just a step. Whether your parents celebrate you, need time, or struggle to understand, you are still you — and you are not alone.
To remind yourself of your worth, write somewhere visible, “Their reaction doesn’t change my reality. I know who I am.”
How to come out to your parents FAQs
How do I know if I’m ready to come out to my parents?
Readiness doesn’t always come with clarity. Sometimes it’s more of a gut feeling. You might be ready if the idea of not saying anything feels harder than the risk of speaking your truth.
Come out when it feels right to you. You just need to feel ready enough — with a plan for your safety and your emotional wellbeing. If right now the risk feels too high, it’s okay to wait.
Is it okay to come out by text instead of in person?
You can come out in whatever way feels good to you. What matters most is your comfort and emotional safety.
Texting, emailing, or writing a letter can give you the space to say what you need without being interrupted or pressured to manage someone else’s emotions. It can also give your parents time to process before responding.
How do I handle it if my parents don’t accept me?
If they don’t accept you, know that their rejection says more about their limitations than it does about your worth. If they respond with anger, silence, or disbelief, allow yourself to grieve — because it is a loss, even if it’s temporary. That grief might come with anger, sadness, or numbness, and it all deserves space.
Also, lean on the people who do see you clearly like friends, chosen family, mentors, and online communities. Healing sometimes comes from building something new.
What if I come out and regret it later?
It’s okay to have mixed or regretful feelings after coming out — especially if the response wasn’t what you hoped for. Regret just means you’re navigating a complex emotional reality.
You could be mourning the idea of how you wanted it to go, or the version of your parents you hoped would show up. If this is the case for you, give yourself permission to feel that regret fully.
Any tips for how to come out to your parents when they’re very traditional?
If your parents hold strong cultural or religious beliefs, it might help to start with your shared values like honesty, love, trust, and family.
Another good way is to keep the focus on your truth and not their approval. Know that change, if it happens, might come slowly. Some parents need time to unlearn what they’ve been taught, and that timeline isn’t your burden to carry.
During this process, surround yourself with others who affirm you and also realistically set your expectations to help protect your peace as much as possible.
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