How to deal with gaslighting: 9 steps to protect yourself
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Someone else making you question your reality? Learn what gaslighting is, 5 signs it's happening to you, and how to deal with it to protect your safety and mental health.
If you’ve had a partner or friend consistently tell you that your memory is wrong, or that you’re being dramatic for discussing your feelings, or that you’re living in your own world, those may indicate that you’re experiencing gaslighting. Gaslighting often makes someone question bits of their reality, like conversations they’ve had or encounters they’ve experienced and is a definite sign of a toxic relationship.
Gaslighting is destabilizing. It also chips away at your confidence and leaves you feeling like you’re walking through life on shaky ground. Plus, it isn’t always obvious. Many times it’s subtle and it’s disguised as concern.
You deserve to not question your reality, and you deserve to not be questioned about every experience you’ve had. So, if you’re constantly unsure of your emotions after interacting with someone, it’s time to reclaim your peace of mind. Here’s what you need to know about gaslighting, and how you can spot the signs in your own life.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone tries to make you question your own reality.
This type of manipulation is about power and control. When you’re experiencing it, you start doubting your thoughts, and you begin to rely more on their version of events than your own. Over time, this can seriously erode your self-esteem and sense of identity. Also, it’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle and tangled up in defensiveness and shame, but this doesn’t make it any less harmful.
A lot of the time, gaslighting happens in romantic relationships, but it’s not limited to them. It can show up at work, in families, and in friendships. It can even show up in broader systems and institutions.
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Maybe I am overreacting,” or, “I thought I knew what happened, but now I’m not so sure,” you might’ve experienced gaslighting.
5 signs that someone might be gaslighting you
Unfortunately, gaslighting isn’t always easy to spot. Many times, it’s slow and subtle.
Here are five common ways someone could gaslight you.
1. They deny things you know happened: You bring up something they said that hurt you, and they respond with, “I never said that,” or “You’re remembering it wrong.” They might even accuse you of lying. Over time, this kind of repeated denial can make you second-guess your memory. It could even make you wonder if maybe you misunderstood, or were just being “dramatic.”
2. They twist facts to fit their version of reality: They reframe events in ways that make them look like the victim. Also, if you bring up something painful they did, suddenly you’re the one being called selfish or unstable. These twisted narratives are designed to disorient you and make you question your sense of what’s fair or even real.
3. They make you feel irrational or overly emotional: If every time you express a need, concern, or boundary, you’re told you’re overreacting or are too sensitive, that’s a problem. Gaslighters often use your emotional responses against you as a way to avoid accountability and keep you on the defensive. This tactic can be especially effective if you already struggle with self-doubt or anxiety.
4. They isolate you from support: A gaslighter may discourage you from talking to friends, family, or anyone who might offer a different perspective. They could say things like, “Your friends are just jealous of us,” or, “Your mom always turns you against me.” Statements like this cut you off from reality and emotional validation, two things that are essential for healing.
5. You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells: You may start editing yourself before you speak, avoiding certain topics, or obsessively replaying conversations in your head to make sure you didn’t say the wrong thing. You’re hyper-aware of their version of the truth but completely disconnected from your own.
How to deal with gaslighting: 9 ways to respond
If you’re being gaslight, it can be hard to trust yourself and your reality. But you deserve to feel emotionally safe in your life and in your relationships.
To protect your mental health, here are nine ways you can mindfully respond to gaslighting.
1. Name what’s happening, even privately
You don’t have to confront the gaslighter right away (or at all) to reclaim your reality. Just naming the behavior can be powerful. It breaks the mental loop of self-blame and confusion.
Try saying: “I’m not crazy, I’m being manipulated.” or “They’re denying reality to avoid responsibility. That doesn’t make my reality less valid.”
2. Stop arguing with someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you
Gaslighting often pulls you into circular conversations designed to wear you down. So, use calm, firm language to set boundaries.
Instead of defending yourself, try saying, “I’m clear on what happened. I’m not going to keep debating it.” or “I hear what you’re saying. But I remember it differently, and I trust my memory.”
3. Use short, grounding phrases
To help you stay rooted in your reality during an interaction, keeping a few go-to responses in your back pocket.
You could say, “That’s not how I experienced it,” “Let’s take a break from this conversation,” or “I’m going to pause here.”
Read more: 18 grounding techniques that can help relieve anxiety
4. Set emotional boundaries
Gaslighters like to poke at your insecurities, shift blame, and love bomb you to keep you hooked. So, protect your energy by setting boundaries around access to your emotions.
Some ways you could set emotional boundaries are to refuse to explain yourself repeatedly, leave conversations that become manipulative, or not responding to texts right away, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
💙 Protect your peace by listening to Emotional Boundaries with Jay Shetty.
5. Create distance — emotionally, mentally, or physically
If possible, reduce how much time you spend around the gaslighter. This could mean taking space between interactions, limiting contact, or avoiding one-on-one conversations when you can.
If it’s a work relationship, loop in HR or another person to help document or witness conversations. Also, if physical distance isn’t possible, emotional distance is still valuable. Give yourself permission to disengage, even mid-conversation. You are not obligated to sit through manipulation.
💙 Give yourself a break by listening to Breathe To Calm Down with Chibs Okereke when life gets overwhelming.
6. Rebuild your self-trust with reality checks
One of the most damaging effects of gaslighting is how it can chip away at your trust in your own memory. Your feelings are valid, even when someone else works hard to make you believe otherwise.
To help you trust yourself better, ask friends, “Does this sound off to you?” or read through your own journal entries to remember how things actually felt. You could also practice grounding exercises that help you connect with your body.
Read more: How to believe in yourself: 12 ways to overcome self-doubt
7. Get support outside the relationship
Isolation feeds gaslighting, but connection weakens it. If you’re able, talk to someone outside the situation, preferably someone with emotional distance. That could be a therapist, a support group, or a helpline. Even one validating conversation can be enough to help you recalibrate your reality.
A helpful phrase you can use when opening up is, “I’ve been questioning my own reality lately, and I think I might be experiencing gaslighting. Can I run something by you?”
8. Document things when you can
Keep a digital or handwritten record of conversations, incidents, or anything that feels off. Stick to facts and not interpretations.
Documentation gives you an anchor, and on days when you’re swimming in doubt, it can remind you that what occurred did actually happen.
9. Know when to walk away
In some cases, the most protective thing you can do is leave the relationship. That’s not always immediately possible, especially if finances, housing, or children are involved. If that’s the case, remind yourself that every time you identify gaslighting or set a boundary, you’re taking your power back.
Also, it’s important to say that you’re allowed to stay while building strength to leave later. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do it yet. You’re doing what you can with what you have — and that’s enough.
How to deal with gaslighting FAQs
What is gaslighting in a relationship?
Gaslighting happens when one partner systematically invalidates or distorts the other’s reality. Usually, this partner does this to avoid accountability or to maintain control. It could look like constant denial of past conversations, blaming you for their behavior, or downplaying your emotions as “crazy” or “dramatic.”
Over time, this creates a power imbalance where one person dictates the narrative, and the other begins to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and even memories. This is emotional manipulation, and it can deeply affect your mental health and leave you feeling confused, isolated, and desperate for clarity.
How do I know if someone is gaslighting me?
If you regularly leave conversations feeling confused, guilty, or like you need to apologize but you’re not sure why, this could be gaslighting. You could start second-guessing your memory or your reactions too. Typically, when you’re being gaslit, the other person always makes you feel like the problem is you, even when your concerns are valid.
You might also notice patterns like they always change the subject when confronted, shift blame onto you, or react with outrage when you express hurt. If your gut is waving a red flag, that’s worth listening to.
What should I say when someone is gaslighting me?
A good way to respond when someone is gaslighting you is to say, “I remember things differently, and I’m not going to keep debating it,” or “This conversation doesn’t feel respectful, so I’m going to step away.” The key is to stand your ground and stop trying to prove your reality to someone who’s actively denying it.
You can also exit the interaction by simply saying, “This isn’t productive for me.”
How can I take care of myself if I’m being gaslit?
If you’re being gaslit, begin by reconnecting with what’s true for you. Some ways you could do this are journaling after difficult conversations, talking to a trusted friend, or naming your feelings out loud. You could also do breathwork, grounding exercises, or even a short walk to help bring you back to yourself.
Also, gaslighting is mentally exhausting, so it’s okay to take a break — from the person, the conversation, or even the relationship. Healing from gaslighting is about knowing when to stop and care for yourself first.
Can gaslighting happen outside of romantic relationships?
Gaslighting can happen outside of romantic relationships. It can happen in families, friendships, and workplaces. In any context where power dynamics are at play, gaslighting can take root.
Emotional manipulation in any relationship can impact your mental health, your confidence, and your ability to trust others and yourself.
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