How to deal with toxic family members: 7 tips to help you cope
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn how to identify toxic family members, recognize signs of toxicity, and find tips to deal with these relationships effectively, including when to walk away.
At some point in your life, you may meet someone who’s toxic to you and your wellbeing. When that person is a member of your family, however, dealing with them and the situations you find yourself in can feel impossible. Holidays and celebrations can become deeply stressful, and finding the strength to stand up for yourself—especially if you know you’ll be disrupting your overall family dynamic—can be tough.
After all, toxic relationships can deeply impact your mental and emotional health, leaving you feeling drained, anxious, and undervalued. Recognizing and acknowledging the presence of a toxic family member is the first step toward taking control of your wellbeing. Once you identify these behaviors, you can begin to find ways to manage and cope with the negative influence they have on your life.
What is a toxic family member?
A toxic family member is someone whose manipulative, controlling, or emotionally abusive behavior consistently causes distress and harm to you or your other relatives. They can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional health, leaving you feeling constantly drained and stressed.
The presence of a toxic family member can significantly disrupt family harmony and individual wellbeing, and their actions can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and depression. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, making it difficult to maintain a positive outlook.
7 signs a family member may be toxic
Learning to recognize these common signs of toxic behavior can help you understand the dynamics at play and take steps to protect yourself.
Manipulation: They use tactics like guilt-tripping, shaming, or playing the victim to control your actions and decisions.
Constant negativity: They’re perpetually critical, always focusing on the negative aspects of situations and people, including you.
Emotional abuse: This can include belittling comments, insults, and other actions designed to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel unworthy.
Gaslighting: They make you question your reality, memories, and perceptions, often denying their previous statements or actions to make you doubt yourself.
Boundary violations: They frequently disregard your personal space, time, and limits, acting as if their needs are more important than yours.
Excessive drama: They create unnecessary conflict and chaos, often blowing minor issues out of proportion to cause stress and division.
Lack of empathy: They show little to no concern for your feelings, needs, or wellbeing, and focus solely on their own desires.
7 tips to deal with toxic family members
Putting these strategies into place can help you manage toxic family relationships more effectively, reducing their negative impact on your life. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, you can create a healthier environment for yourself and those around you.
1. Set clear boundaries and communicate them consistently
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is key to dealing with toxic family members. Clearly define what behaviors you won’t tolerate and communicate these limits. Be assertive if you have to. For example, if a family member frequently criticizes you or pokes fun at you in a way you don’t like, let them know that such comments are unacceptable. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, and don’t hesitate to remind them if they overstep.
💙 Learn the art of setting Boundaries with guidance from Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others Series.
2. Limit interactions to reduce their impact on your wellbeing
This might involve cutting down on phone calls, visits, or other forms of contact with toxic family members. If you live with a toxic family member, find ways to create physical and emotional space, such as spending time in different areas of the home or engaging in activities outside the house.
💙 Navigate when (and how) to establish Endings in relationships that are toxic for you.
3. Avoid isolation by seeking support
Talk to people who understand your situation and can offer advice, empathy, and encouragement, such as friends, other relatives, or professional counselors. Support groups, both in-person and online, can also provide a sense of community and shared experiences.
💙 Discover the importance of receiving Empathy from loved ones during tough times.
4. Prioritize self-care to build resilience
Engage in activities that nourish your mind and body, such as exercise, reading, or hobbies you enjoy. Make time for relaxation techniques like deep breathing, yoga, or taking baths. This can help you maintain a positive mindset.
💙 Prioritize a Self-Nurturing practice to not only build resilience, but to also give yourself a hefty dose of self-love and compassion.
5. Remember it’s not you, it’s them
When interacting with a toxic family member, try to remain calm and emotionally detached. Avoid reacting to provocations and maintain a composed demeanor. This can be challenging, but practicing mindfulness techniques can help. Focus on your breathing, stay present in the moment, and remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you.
💙 Building Self-Trust can help you remain calm while handling toxic family members and situations.
6. Manage stress through effective coping strategies
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools for maintaining inner peace and reducing stress. Journaling can help you process your feelings and gain perspective. Developing a personal mantra or affirmation can provide comfort and strength during difficult times.
💙 Regain control of your mind and body and Pump the Brakes on Stress with this short mindfulness exercise from Jay Shetty.
7. Accept difficult decisions may be necessary
Always put your mental and emotional health first, even if it means making difficult decisions about family relationships. This might involve limiting contact or severing ties with a toxic family member. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish — it’s necessary for your overall wellbeing. Surround yourself with positive influences and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
💙 Let this episode of The Daily Jay guide you toward practicing Acceptance of the decisions you need to make.
How to know when to walk away from toxic family members
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship with a toxic family member may become too damaging to continue. Knowing when to walk away from a toxic family member is a deeply personal decision. By assessing the impact, seeking advice, planning your approach, and finding support, you can make this choice with confidence. You must prioritize your wellbeing, and sometimes, the healthiest option is to let go of harmful relationships.
Assess the impact
Begin by evaluating how the toxic relationship affects your life. Consider the following questions:
Do interactions with this family member consistently cause you stress or anxiety?
Do you feel drained or upset after spending time with them?
Are they unwilling to respect your boundaries, despite repeated requests?
Have their actions negatively affected your self-esteem or overall wellbeing?
If the answer to these questions is yes, it might be time to consider walking away.
Seek advice
Making the decision to cut ties with a family member can be difficult. Seek advice from trusted friends, other family members, or a therapist. They can offer perspective, support, and guidance. Talking to someone who understands your situation can help you feel less isolated and more confident in your decision.
Plan your approach
If you decide to cut off contact, plan how you will communicate this to the toxic family member. Be clear and firm, focusing on your need for wellbeing rather than blaming them. For example, you might say, “I need to take a step back from our relationship for my own mental health.” Prepare for various reactions and decide how you will handle them. It’s important to stay calm and composed during this conversation.
Prepare for reactions
Toxic family members may react with anger, guilt-tripping, or attempts to manipulate you into maintaining the relationship. Be ready for these reactions and stay firm in your decision. Remind yourself of the reasons why you’re making this choice and focus on your need to protect your mental health. It might be helpful to practice responses or have supportive friends ready to talk after the conversation.
Find a support network
Having a network of understanding people can provide encouragement as you navigate this challenging time. Consider joining support groups, both in-person and online, where you can share experiences and gain strength from others facing similar situations, and surround yourself with friends and family members who respect your decision.
Handle guilt and societal expectations
It’s common to feel guilty or worry about societal expectations when you’re distancing yourself from a family member. However, taking care of your mental health is necessary, not selfish. Societal norms often emphasize family loyalty, but your wellbeing must come first. A therapist can help you work through feelings of guilt and reinforce the importance of prioritizing your health.
Take care of yourself
After making the decision to walk away, focus on self-care. Engage in activities that make you happy and relaxed. Surround yourself with positive influences and build new, healthy relationships. It’s important to rebuild your sense of self after leaving a toxic situation.
Consider the long-term benefits
As you navigate the initial challenges, keep in mind the long-term benefits of your decision. Cutting ties with a toxic family member can lead to significant improvements in your mental and emotional health. It can reduce stress, increase your self-esteem, and allow you to focus on positive relationships.
How to deal with toxic family members FAQs
How can I set boundaries with a toxic family member without causing conflict?
Setting boundaries with a toxic family member can be challenging, but it’s necessary for your wellbeing.
Start by clearly defining your boundaries. Be specific about what behaviors you will not tolerate and what consequences will follow if these boundaries are crossed. For example, you might say, “I won’t engage in conversations where you criticize my choices. If this happens, I’ll leave the room.”
Communicate your boundaries calmly and assertively. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior affects you, such as, “I feel disrespected when you talk to me that way, and I need it to stop.” Avoid blaming or accusing language, which can escalate conflict.
Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries. If the family member crosses a boundary, follow through with the stated consequence. Over time, this consistency will help reinforce the importance of respecting your limits.
Is it possible to repair a relationship with a toxic family member?
Repairing a relationship with a toxic family member may be possible, but it requires effort and willingness from both parties. Start by having an open and honest conversation about how their behavior affects you and the changes you need to see. Be specific about what needs to change for the relationship to improve.
Suggest seeking professional help, such as family therapy, where a neutral third party can help you address underlying issues. Therapy can provide tools and strategies for solving problems and interacting with one another.
Be patient and realistic. Change takes time, and both parties need to be committed to the process. If the family member is unwilling to acknowledge their behavior or make changes, it may be difficult to repair the relationship. In such cases, focus on managing your interactions and maintaining your wellbeing.
How can I recognize the difference between normal family conflicts and toxic behavior?
Typically, family conflicts are situational and temporary, arising from misunderstandings or differences in opinion. These conflicts are resolved through open communication, compromise, and mutual respect. Both parties are willing to listen, understand each other’s perspectives, and work toward a solution.
Toxic behavior, on the other hand, is persistent and harmful. It involves patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional abuse. Toxic family members often disregard your feelings and boundaries, and their actions consistently undermine your wellbeing. Examples include gaslighting, constant criticism, and creating unnecessary drama.
If conflicts with a family member leave you feeling anxious, drained, or devalued, and if these behaviors are repetitive and unchanging, it’s likely a sign of toxic behavior rather than “normal” family conflict.
What are the effects of long-term exposure to toxic family members?
Long-term exposure to toxic family members can have serious effects on your mental and emotional health. Chronic stress from these interactions can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. You might experience a constant sense of tension and unease, making it difficult to relax or enjoy life.
Prolonged exposure to toxic behaviors can also erode your self-esteem and self-worth. Constant criticism and emotional abuse can make you doubt your abilities and value, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence.
Your physical health can also be affected. Chronic stress can contribute to problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, and weakened immune function. It’s important to recognize these impacts and take steps to protect yourself.
How can I find a support network if I decide to walk away from a toxic family relationship?
Finding a support network is essential when walking away from a toxic family relationship. Start by reaching out to friends and other relatives who understand where you’re coming from and respect your decision. Share your experiences with them and ask for their support.
Join support groups, both in-person and online, where you can connect with others who have faced similar situations. These groups provide a sense of community and shared understanding, helping you feel less isolated. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor too. They can provide guidance, support, and strategies for coping with the emotional challenges of distancing yourself from a toxic family member.
Engage in activities and communities that interest you. Join clubs, take classes, or volunteer. This can help you build new, healthy relationships and expand your support network. Surrounding yourself with positive, understanding people will help you navigate this difficult time and reinforce your decision to prioritize your wellbeing.
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