How to overcome codependency in relationships with 8 tips
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn the causes and signs of a codependent relationship versus a dependent one. Plus, how to overcome codependency and find recovery in your relationships.
Navigating relationships can be complex, especially when codependency enters the mix. Codependency refers to a pattern in relationships where one person's sense of purpose and worth becomes heavily dependent on their partner's needs and behaviors. It's a situation where caring too much and needing to be needed overshadow your own needs and wellbeing.
Overcoming codependency starts with awareness. It's about appreciating the subtle differences between being supportive and being overly reliant on someone else for emotional fulfillment. The good news is that understanding the differences between codependency and healthy dependency allows you to build more balanced relationships—where both partners can thrive independently and together.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a term that describes a relationship pattern where one person becomes excessively emotionally—and sometimes even psychologically—reliant on their partner. This reliance often comes from a deep-seated need to take care of others or a fear of being alone or abandoned.
In a codependent relationship, one partner may sacrifice their own needs, desires, and even wellbeing to satisfy and support the other person. This might sound like dedication and love, but it's different. Unlike healthy relationships, where support and care are mutual and balanced, codependency tilts the scale heavily. One person does most of the giving, often feeling responsible for the other's happiness, problems, and choices.
Codependency can show up in various ways. Some may find themselves constantly trying to fix or save their partner, especially if the partner is dealing with issues like addiction or mental health challenges. Others might struggle to say no or set boundaries, fearing that doing so will upset the relationship's balance. In many cases, the codependent person's self-esteem is closely tied to their ability to make their partner happy or solve their problems.
Distinguishing codependency from dependency is crucial. In healthy relationships, dependency involves mutual respect and support. Each person can rely on the other without losing their sense of self or individuality. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. They can leave one person feeling drained, undervalued, and even trapped, while the other becomes overly reliant on them for emotional support and decision-making.
Recognizing codependency is the first step toward healthier relationships. It involves understanding your worth and learning to prioritize your wellbeing while still caring for others. It’s important to remember that overcoming codependency isn't about caring less for others—it's about caring for yourself in equal measure.
How to tell if you’re in a codependent relationship: 7 signs of codependency
Recognizing codependency in a relationship can be challenging, especially since many of its signs often resemble deep care and concern. However, recognizing these signs in yourself or your relationship is a brave and crucial step toward codependency recovery. It opens the door to developing healthier relationship patterns where both partners can grow and flourish independently and together.
1. You want to help others too often
You might find yourself constantly drawn to people who seem to need help or understanding. While empathy is a wonderful trait, in a codependent relationship, it often leads to a pattern where your happiness is deeply connected to your ability to solve problems for others.
2. You assume responsibility for others
If you often feel responsible for the happiness, decisions, and wellbeing of those around you, especially your partner, it can be a significant sign of codependency. This goes beyond normal concern for a loved one and can lead to a feeling that their life is in your hands.
3. You give more than you receive
A tell-tale sign of a codependent relationship is when you're investing more effort than the other person to maintain harmony and make things work. You might find yourself making sacrifices that aren't reciprocated, often leaving you feeling unappreciated or neglected.
4. You fear abandonment
This fear can be overpowering in a codependent relationship. It's not just about not wanting to be alone—it's a deep-seated fear that drives you to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship, even at the cost of your own happiness.
5. Your self-worth comes from others’ happiness
Believing that you're entirely responsible for your partner's happiness is a heavy burden. In healthy relationships, each person contributes to their own and each other's happiness, but in a codependent relationship, your sense of worth may become tied to how happy your partner is.
6. You care too much what others think
If your self-esteem relies heavily on others' opinions and approval, especially your partner's, it can be a sign of codependency. Too much reliance on what people think of you often leads to constantly adjusting your behavior to please others, neglecting your own needs and desires.
7. You fear change
Change is a part of life, but for someone in a codependent relationship, adapting to change, especially in the relationship, can be particularly challenging. This often stems from the fear that any change might disrupt the delicate balance you've worked so hard to maintain.
What causes codependency?
Knowing the underlying factors that cause codependency provides a context for why you might have developed these patterns and also offers a foundation for change. Recognizing these causes isn't about assigning blame—it's about gaining insights to foster healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
Trauma and adverse life experiences
Often, codependent behaviors stem from past experiences, particularly in childhood. Trauma or adverse experiences, like growing up in a household with addiction, mental illness, or emotional neglect, can shape our approach to relationships. These experiences might lead us to believe that we need to constantly take care of others to feel valued or loved.
Recent studies suggest that our brain pathways, shaped by our experiences and by genetics, play a role in codependency. These pathways influence how we process emotions and stress, potentially leading some of us to be more prone to codependent behaviors as a way of coping with emotional distress.
Attachment styles
Our early relationships, especially with primary caregivers, influence our attachment style. An anxious or insecure attachment style, where we fear abandonment or struggle with self-worth, can predispose us to codependent behaviors in later relationships. This is because our fear of losing the relationship overshadows our ability to maintain a healthy, independent self within it.
Complicated family relationships
Certain life situations can foster emotional dependence. For instance, being in a relationship with someone who has health issues or addiction can lead us into a caretaker role, potentially leading to codependency. The constant need to attend to someone else’s needs can blur the lines between supportive care and unhealthy dependence.
Cultural and social factors
Societal expectations and cultural norms can also contribute to codependency. In cultures where self-sacrifice is highly valued, we might be more inclined to develop codependent traits, such as thinking that constantly putting others first is the ideal way to behave in a relationship.
How to stop being codependent in a relationship
Overcoming codependency is a process that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate through these changes. Each step you take is a move toward a more balanced, fulfilling relationship where you and your partner can grow together and separately.
1. Acknowledge the issue
Start by recognizing and admitting to yourself that the dynamics of your relationship might be codependent. This self-awareness is a crucial first step in making positive changes.
2. Challenge negative thoughts to shift your perspective
Identify and question your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your relationship. Replace them with more positive, self-affirming thoughts. Getting into the practice of reframing thoughts can help shift your perspective and reduce codependent behaviors.
💙 Try the Reframing Difficult Thoughts meditation to help you shift your perspective.
3. Step back from taking things personally
Understand that your partner's actions and feelings are not a reflection of your worth. Everyone has their own struggles and emotions, and these are not your responsibility to fix or control.
💙 Taking a quick Pause to Breathe can help stop your mind from taking things personally if you find yourself going down the rabbit hole of overthinking.
4. Communicate clearly to set healthy boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with your partner. Communicate your needs, limits, and expectations. Boundaries are vital for mutual respect and understanding in a healthy relationship. If you’re unfamiliar with what healthy boundaries are, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
💙 Need help setting boundaries? Tune in to Jeff Warren’s A Secret to Better Boundaries on the Daily Trip.
5. Invest time in yourself to build self-esteem
Spend time on your hobbies, interests, and personal growth. Focusing on yourself helps build self-esteem and reduces the tendency to seek validation from others.
💙 If you’re looking for guidance on how to start, we recommend following our 7 Days of Self-Esteem series.
6. Practice mindfulness to gain clarity
Engage in mindfulness exercises to better understand and manage your emotions. Mindfulness can provide clarity and help you respond to situations more healthily.
💙 If you’re new to mindfulness, check out our Mindfulness for Beginners 30-day course.
7. Give yourself compassion
Practice self-care and self-compassion. Loving yourself is essential for breaking the cycle of codependency, as it helps you realize that you deserve a relationship where you're valued and your needs are met.
💙 Listen to the Daily Jay’s The Path of Self-Compassion to learn how to ease up on being so hard on yourself.
8. Seek help if needed
Don't hesitate to seek help from a therapist or join support groups. Professional guidance can provide you with tools and strategies to overcome codependent patterns in your relationships.
How to overcome codependency FAQs
How do I stop being codependent and love myself?
To break the cycle of codependency and cultivate self-love, start by understanding that your worth is not dependent on how much you do for others. Focus on activities that nurture your wellbeing and happiness. This could include engaging in hobbies, setting time aside for relaxation, or simply practicing self-care routines. Developing self-awareness through journaling or mindfulness can also help you understand and address your emotions and needs. Building self-love is a gradual process, and it's okay to take small steps toward appreciating and valuing yourself as an individual.
Why do I feel so codependent?
Feeling codependent often stems from deep-rooted beliefs and past experiences. For many, it originates from childhood experiences where their emotional needs weren't met, or they learned that being needed was a way to gain love and attention. It can also develop in relationships where you feel the need to constantly care for or 'rescue' a partner. Understanding these underlying reasons is important for addressing and changing codependent behaviors.
What are the dark sides of codependency?
The dark side of codependency includes a range of negative effects on both your emotional and physical wellbeing. It often leads to an imbalance in relationships, where your needs and desires are overshadowed by your partner's. This imbalance can result in feelings of resentment, low self-esteem, and emotional exhaustion. Mentally, the stress of a codependent relationship can lead to issues like anxiety and depression. Acknowledging these adverse effects is crucial for motivating change and seeking healthier relationship dynamics.
Can a codependent be happy?
Yes, a person who has been codependent can find happiness. The key is to work toward breaking the patterns of codependency. This involves learning to set boundaries, focusing on your own needs, and building self-esteem independent of others. It's also important to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships where both partners support each other without sacrificing their individuality. Happiness in a relationship comes from a place of mutual respect and understanding, not from dependency.
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