Learn how to stop being a people pleaser with these 10 tips
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Have a hard time saying no? Always put others before yourself? Survey says you may be a people pleaser. Explore the dangers of the disease to please and how to stop.
Sometimes, you might find yourself going out of your way to make others happy, even if it means putting your needs aside. If so, it’s not just you—many of us fall into the trap of people-pleasing. While it's natural to want to make people happy, constantly doing so can lead to frustration if you lose touch with what you truly want.
To overcome the habit of people-pleasing, explore what it means to be a people pleaser, the signs to look out for, and why we may fall into this pattern. And remember, there are strategies to help you set boundaries, prioritize your wellbeing, and embrace your true self.
What is a people pleaser (and what are the dangers)?
A people pleaser is someone who regularly puts others' needs and wants before their own. You might find yourself always saying yes when you want to say no, or agreeing with someone when you don't truly share their opinion. People pleasers often act this way because they want to be liked, to fit in, or to avoid conflict. People-pleasing might seem like a good thing, but this behavior can have some serious downsides, such as:
Anger and frustration
Weakened relationships due to lack of honesty
Stress and anxiety
Loss of self-identity
Recognizing these dangers of people-pleasing is a crucial step in changing your habits—it can help you find a balance between being kind to others and taking care of your own needs. It's not selfish to prioritize yourself and your mental health—it's necessary for a healthy, happy life.
7 signs of a people pleaser
Understanding whether you’re a people pleaser is the first step toward making a change. Once you recognize your behaviors and the reasons behind them, you can look for strategies to change them.
1. Difficulty saying no: If you find it hard to refuse requests or say no to others, even when it's something you don't want to do or don't have time for, it can be a sign of people-pleasing. You prioritize being nice to others over your wellbeing.
2. Low self-esteem: People pleasers often rely on the approval of others to feel good about themselves. If you notice your mood and self-worth are heavily influenced by what others think of you, it could indicate a tendency to please people.
3. Feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself: Feeling bad for putting your needs first is a familiar feeling among people pleasers.
4. Neglecting self-care: In your drive to care for everyone else, you might forget to look after yourself. If you find yourself skipping meals, missing out on enough sleep, or forgoing activities you enjoy to care for others, you might be people-pleasing.
5. Agreeing with everything: If you often agree with others, even when you have a different opinion, it can be a sign of people-pleasing. It can stem from a desire to avoid conflict or to be liked by everyone.
6. Overcommitting: Do you often feel overwhelmed because you've said yes to too many things? Taking on more than you can handle to try to make everyone happy is a common problem for people pleasers.
7. Fear of rejection: A deep fear of being disliked can drive people-pleasing behavior. If you often worry about what others think and go out of your way to maintain their approval, it's likely you're a people pleaser.
5 possible causes of people-pleasing
By understanding what drives your people-pleasing tendencies, you can start to address the underlying issues. The goal is to find a balance where you can be kind and helpful to others without sacrificing your own wellbeing and happiness.
1. Insecurity
Sometimes, feeling unsure about ourselves can lead us to seek validation from others. If we're not confident in who we are, we might think we need to make others happy to be accepted or liked.
2. Past experiences
If you’ve ever received positive feedback or felt loved and accepted when you put others first, you might have learned to associate people-pleasing with receiving affection and approval. This can set a pattern where you try to please others to feel good or worthy.
3. Perfectionism
If you strive to be perfect in everything, it can spill over into your relationships. Pursuing perfection can drive you toward people-pleasing behaviors, where you say yes to everything and try to meet unrealistic standards.
4. Low self-esteem
Feeling low about yourself can be a big factor in people-pleasing. If you don't value yourself, you might think your needs and opinions are less important, leading to a pattern of consistently putting other people's needs ahead of your own.
5. Fear of conflict
If the idea of someone being upset or angry with you really worries you, you might avoid speaking up about your own needs and feelings.
How to stop being a people pleaser: 10 tips to help you minimize people-pleasing behavior
Breaking free from people-pleasing habits can be challenging, but it's achievable with the right approach. By implementing these tips, you can shift away from people-pleasing behaviors and toward a life where you respect and prioritize your own needs.
1. Set healthy boundaries
Decide what you are and aren't willing to do. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s important to communicate your boundaries to those around you. Even when people push your boundaries, stick to them and remind yourself why you needed those boundaries to begin with.
Try this: If you're often asked to stay late at work, you might say, "I can only work late on Tuesdays, but the other days I need to leave on time."
💙 If you need inspiration on how to set boundaries, listen to The Daily Trips’ A Secret to Better Boundaries.
2. Prioritize your needs
Take time to understand what's important to you. Sometimes, when we say yes to other people, we are actually saying no to our needs. Ask yourself what you want or need before automatically saying yes to others.
Try this: If you love painting but always put it off to help others, schedule regular time for your art and treat it as a non-negotiable appointment, similarly to how you’d view a scheduled meeting with someone else.
💙 Explore the Priorities that are truly important to you during the Daily Calm.
3. Say no when necessary
Saying no can be empowering and is essential for your wellbeing. It's okay to refuse requests if they don't align with your priorities or you simply don't have time for them. While it might feel uncomfortable at first, with practice, saying no may become easier.
Try this: If a friend asks you to help with a project and you're already overwhelmed, respond with, "I'm sorry, I can't commit to that right now, as I have my own deadlines to meet."
💙 Practice defending your time and prioritizing what matters by Saying No on the Daily Jay.
4. Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself and speak kindly to yourself. Replace self-criticism with supportive and understanding thoughts. You're doing your best, and that's enough.
Try this: When you feel bad about not meeting someone's request, remind yourself that it’s okay to take care of your own needs, and you don’t have to (and can’t) please everyone.
💙 Practicing self-compassion might not feel natural at first. That’s okay—it’s a process and takes time. We recommend starting with The Daily Jay’s The Path of Self-Compassion.
5. Start with small changes
If saying no feels too big of a step at first, start with smaller changes. Gradually build up your confidence in expressing your own needs and desires.
Try this: You could start by not immediately responding to non-urgent requests, giving yourself time to consider if you really can or want to commit.
💙 Explore the big effect of Tiny Choices and how mindfulness can help during the Daily Calm.
6. Avoid over-apologizing
Only apologize when it's truly necessary. Constantly saying sorry can reinforce the idea that your needs are less important than the needs of others. If you do slip up, be gentle with yourself. Every new opportunity is a chance to try again.
Try this: Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, but I can’t make it to your event," try "I won't be able to make it to your event, but I hope you have a great time!"
7. Embrace discomfort
It's natural to feel a little uncomfortable when you start making changes to your behavior. Remember to acknowledge and accept these feelings—they’re part of the process of personal growth.
Try this: If you feel anxious after saying no to someone, remind yourself it's a normal part of setting boundaries.
💙 Discover tips on how to communicate your boundaries with Preparing To Speak Up and Speaking Up with Professor Megan Reitz.
8. Seek support
If you find it hard to change these patterns, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. Professional support can provide valuable guidance and encouragement.
Try this: A professional can provide strategies tailored to your situation, like role-playing how to say no.
9. Reflect on your progress
Take time to acknowledge and celebrate the steps you've taken to be less of a people pleaser. Recognize your efforts and the positive changes you're making in your life.
Try this: The first time you say no to an extra task, give yourself a pat on the back. This could be a literal pat on the back or a celebratory treat. This will help to reinforce your progress.
10. Stay true to yourself
Respecting your own opinions, feelings, and needs can benefit your wellbeing and lead to more genuine and healthy relationships.
Try this: If you're in a group where everyone is agreeing on a plan you don't like, voice your opinion respectfully, "I understand your points, but I actually feel differently about this."
💙 It can feel challenging to know who we really are, so let Jay Shetty help you uncover your True Self/False Self so you can live more authentically.
How to stop being a people pleaser FAQs
Is there a way to stop being a people pleaser?
To stop being a people pleaser, it’s important to recognize and understand your people-pleasing habits. Once you're aware of these patterns, you can start making small changes, like saying no to requests that don't fit into your life or setting clear boundaries with others. Change takes time and practice, but, with persistence, you can learn to balance your needs with those of others.
What causes a people-pleaser personality?
A people-pleaser personality can be caused by many different things. For some, it might be a lack of confidence or feeling like they need others' approval to be happy. Others might have learned from past experiences that pleasing people is a way to avoid conflict or to feel accepted. It could also be linked to perfectionism, where you think you must do everything just right, including ensuring everyone around you is happy.
What is the root of being a people pleaser?
The root of being a people pleaser often comes down to a deep need for acceptance and a fear of rejection or conflict. It's a feeling that to be liked or valued, you must constantly meet others' expectations before your own. This might stem from experiences in your past that shaped how you interact with others.
What kind of trauma causes people-pleasing?
Various types of trauma—such as experiences of rejection, abandonment, or feeling constantly underappreciated—can lead to people-pleasing behaviors. These traumatic experiences can create a belief that your value is tied to how much you make others happy. If you’ve experienced such trauma, recognizing the link between your past experiences and current people-pleasing habits is an important first step.
For those dealing with trauma-related people-pleasing behaviors, there are steps that can be helpful. It is a gradual process and requires patience, self-compassion, and, often, professional guidance. As you work through the below steps, you'll gradually find a stronger sense of self and a healthier way of relating to others.
Seek professional support: Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you explore your past experiences and understand how they affect your current behavior. Therapy can also offer strategies to cope with and heal from these experiences.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process. Understand that pleasing others is a learned behavior to cope with difficult experiences and that it takes time to unlearn these patterns.
Build a supportive network: Surround yourself with understanding and supportive people like friends, family members, support groups, or online communities that encourage your journey toward healing and self-empowerment.
Educate yourself: Learning about trauma can give you insight into your behaviors and help you develop strategies to overcome them. Many resources are available, including books, online articles, and workshops.
Develop healthy coping strategies: Find positive ways to cope with stress and anxiety, like exercise, meditation, journaling, or creative hobbies. These activities can help you manage your emotions and reduce the urge to please others.
Set small, achievable goals: Start with small steps toward change. This could be as simple as saying no to a request or taking time for self-care.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
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