How to stop feeling guilty all the time
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn about the effects of guilt on your life and how to stop feeling guilty all the time. Plus, when guilt turns into a complex and how to deal.
Guilt is a common emotion that most people experience at some point in their lives. While we might associate guilt with feeling badly, it can be a healthy emotion that helps us to learn from our mistakes and make amends for our wrongdoing. With that said, when guilt becomes excessive or unwarranted, it can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety, and even depression.
What is guilt?
Guilt is a complicated emotion that can be challenging to understand and manage. It can arise from various situations, including making mistakes, hurting others, or failing to meet our own expectations.
Imagine you accidentally break your friend's favorite coffee cup. You might feel guilty about it, and that guilt might motivate you to apologize and replace the cup. This is a healthy example of guilt, as it helps you to take responsibility for your actions, even if it was an accident, and make things right.
However, guilt can become unhealthy when it persists beyond the point of learning and growth. For instance, if you continue to feel guilty about breaking the cup long after you've apologized and replaced it, this guilt might start to affect your self-esteem and relationship. This form of guilt, which can be referred to as toxic guilt, can be damaging, and also may lead to feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression.
If you find yourself struggling with excessive guilt, consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide support and guidance as you work towards managing your guilt in a healthy way, especially if it’s one of the four forms of toxic guilt.
4 types of “toxic” guilt
False guilt: False guilt is a form of toxic guilt that comes from inaccurate or distorted beliefs about your actions or responsibilities. For example, you might feel falsely guilty about situations that are beyond your control or events that weren’t your fault.
Self-blame: Self-blame involves taking excessive responsibility for negative outcomes. Instead of recognizing that mistakes are a natural part of life, people with self-blame tend to focus solely on their own shortcomings and overlook external factors.
Codependency: Codependency is a pattern of excessive reliance on others for approval and validation. This can lead to feelings of guilt when we fail to meet the expectations of others, even when those expectations are unrealistic or unhealthy.
Repetition-compulsion: Repetition-compulsion is a pattern of repeating behaviors despite knowing that they’re harmful or unproductive. This can mean you repeatedly punish yourself for past mistakes or perceived shortcomings.
What is a guilt complex?
A guilt complex is a pattern of excessive and persistent guilt that can significantly interfere with your life. It’s characterized by overwhelming feelings of guilt that often stem from past mistakes, perceived flaws, or unrealistic expectations. Guilt complexes can lead to a cycle of self-blame, shame, and anxiety. This cycle might show up in physical symptoms like crying, insomnia, muscle tension, and headaches.
The preoccupation with past mistakes can also lead to social isolation and having difficulty forming and maintaining relationships. You might avoid social situations or withdraw from close relationships due to a fear of disappointing others.
In severe cases, a guilt complex can lead to negative self-talk and self-destructive behaviors. Some people find themselves engaging in substance abuse, reckless behavior, or self-harm as a way to cope with their overwhelming guilt.
The following questions might help you to discover if you’re struggling with a guilt complex:
Do you feel guilty about things that are out of your control or events that weren’t your fault?
Do you find yourself dwelling on past mistakes, replaying them in your mind over and over again?
Do you feel excessively responsible for the actions of others?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others?
Do you feel constantly judged and criticized, even when there is no external criticism?
Do you engage in self-blame and self-criticism to the point of feeling worthless or inadequate?
Do you experience emotional distress, such as anxiety, depression, or shame, due to your guilt?
Do you avoid social situations or withdraw from close relationships due to your fear of making mistakes or disappointing others?
If you recognize yourself in these questions, it’s important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand the root causes of your guilt complex. They’ll help you develop healthy coping mechanisms, and support you as you work toward managing your guilt.
How to deal with guilt: 6 tips to stop feeling guilty all the time
Guilt doesn't have to control your life. By understanding guilt, recognizing guilt complexes, and implementing these tips, you can take back control of your emotions and cultivate a healthier, more fulfilling life.
1. Acknowledge your feelings of guilt
The first step to dealing with guilt is to recognize and acknowledge its presence. Trying to ignore or suppress your guilt will only make it more intense. Instead, take some time to reflect on your feelings and identify what's causing your guilt.
💙 Take 2 minutes to practice this Emotions Check-in to better understand, and find ease around, how you feel right now.
2. Cultivate self-compassion
Everyone makes mistakes, so be kind to yourself and forgive yourself when something goes wrong. When you feel guilty, it's easy to fall into patterns of negative self-talk, reinforcing your feelings of shame and inadequacy. Instead, challenge these negative thoughts and replace them with more compassionate and realistic self-talk.
💙 Learn how to actively extend kindness and compassion toward yourself with this mindfulness-based Radical Self-Compassion exercise with Tara Brach.
3. Practice self-forgiveness
Forgiving yourself for mistakes or shortcomings is a crucial step in managing guilt. It doesn't mean condoning your actions or forgetting about them, but it does mean letting go of the guilt and self-criticism that are weighing you down. You can't change what happened, so it's best to focus on the present and move forward to the future.
💙 Give yourself a break with this 10-minute session on Self-Forgiveness for a simple, yet powerful, reminder that everyone makes mistakes, and self-forgiveness is essential for your wellbeing.
4. Learn from your mistakes
Mistakes are a part of life. When we make a mistake, the best thing we can do is learn from it with self-compassion and move on. Making mistakes does not make you a bad person, nor is it a reason to punish yourself. Accept that you will make mistakes and look at them as opportunities for growth.
5. Make amends when possible
If you've caused harm to someone, taking responsibility and making amends may help alleviate your guilt. This could involve apologizing, fixing a problem, or simply making an effort to improve your relationship with the person you've hurt.
💙 Explore how to take responsibility and make amends in your relationships with this Mending Hearts meditation.
6. Seek professional help if needed
If you're struggling to manage guilt on your own, seek professional help. A therapist can provide guidance, support, and effective strategies to address your guilt and improve your overall wellbeing.
How to stop feeling guilty FAQs
How do you get rid of feelings of guilt?
Getting rid of feelings of guilt requires a combination of self-reflection, self-compassion, and taking responsibility for your actions.
Make amends when necessary
Practice self-forgiveness
Be open about your feelings
Practice self-compassion
Stop negative self-talk
Seek professional help
Why do I feel guilty so easily?
There are a number of reasons why people may feel guilty easily.
Low self-esteem
Perfectionism
A history of abuse or neglect
Mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression
How do you stop feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong?
It can be difficult to stop feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong. However, it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for the feelings of others. If someone else is making you feel guilty, it is vital to set boundaries to protect your own emotional wellbeing.
What is guilt-OCD?
Guilt obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a form of OCD in which people have intrusive thoughts and urges related to guilt. These thoughts and urges can cause significant distress and anxiety. If you think you may have guilt-OCD, it’s important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand your OCD and find ways to cope.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
