Could the “let them” theory help improve your relationships?

RelationshipsMental Health

Sep 22

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

The “let them” theory is all about allowing others to make their own choices, even if you disagree. Explore if this relationship trick is for you and 8 tips to try it out.

It’s hard to watch someone—especially someone you care about—pull away, dismiss your boundaries, or make choices you wouldn’t make if you were in their shoes. Perhaps you have a friend who always flakes on plans, or your partner leaves your message on read after you sent a vulnerable text. Maybe your coworker talks over you in meetings and doesn’t seem to notice they consistently interrupt you, or maybe they don’t even care.

It’s natural to want to fix these personality hangups, to explain how they’re making you feel, and to want them to try harder. But what if your peace didn’t depend on their behavior? What if you could find happiness and contentment, whether they changed their patterns or not?

The “let them” approach is a mindset that’s trending on social media, and for good reason. The idea behind the “let them” mindset is simple: If someone wants to do something, let them. If someone doesn’t want to do something, let them. And not out of spite or detachment, but out of respect for your own emotional limits.

So, what does “let them” actually mean? And how can you put it into practice without losing your mind? We’re here to break it down for you in easy, digestible steps — let us.

What is the “let them” theory?

The “let them” theory is a mindset tool that helps you stop managing other people’s behavior and start noticing what it tells you. The basic idea is if someone wants to act a certain way, let them. So, if a friend drifts, let them, or if a partner pulls away, let them. Then ask yourself, “What do I want to do with this information?”

This mindset is about stepping out of reactive mode and choosing response over rescue. And it can be especially great for people who tend to overfunction in relationships, like people-pleasers, anxious attachers, and chronic “fixers.”

But, to be clear, the let them theory is not about ignoring your feelings or avoiding tough talks. It’s about letting someone show you who they are without trying to change them. Yes, this can be painful, but it can also be clarifying.

Who created the let them theory?

The concept was popularized on TikTok by creator Cassie Phillips, who described how the mindset helped her stop chasing people who didn’t value her. Her video struck a nerve, and it sparked widespread conversation.

Mel Robbins, a motivational speaker and author, amplified the idea on her podcast and in her book The Let Them Theory, framing it as a powerful emotional boundary tool.

But the idea itself isn’t new. It actually has roots that go back to Stoic philosophy. In fact, Marcus Aurelius wrote this in the second century, “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Put simply, let them. Focus on what’s yours to carry. Let go of the rest.

What are the benefits of the let them theory?

In a nutshell, this mindset is about building the capacity to stop chasing people who aren’t meeting you halfway and redirecting that energy toward your own wellbeing instead. It isn’t about being unbothered or never being hurt, but rather how you can have these feelings and still thrive.

Here are five ways it can help with your emotional health:

It gives your nervous system a break: Constantly managing others’ reactions is exhausting. Letting go of that emotional labor can lower your stress and help you respond from a calmer, rather than a reactive, place.

It makes boundaries more doable: “Let them” helps you notice where someone else’s behavior ends and your responsibility begins. And that pause can help you say no without guilt or walk away without spiraling.

It clarifies your relationships: When you stop over-functioning, you start to see people more clearly. You may notice who follows up, who follows through, and who sticks around for the long haul. This clarity can then guide how you show up for others or whether you want to continue showing up at all.

It builds resilience through agency: There’s quiet power in letting someone reveal themselves, and then making choices that reflect your values, like responding with intention or walking away. Let them behave as they will and let yourself respond in a way that’s supportive to you.

It disrupts people-pleasing: If you’re used to over-giving to avoid conflict, “let them” can feel radical. But with practice, it shifts the focus back to your needs and your peace. You can stop trying to earn care and start expecting it.

How to implement the “let them” practice: 8 tips for getting started

Letting go of control, especially in relationships where you feel responsible or invested, can bring up a lot of discomfort. But embarking on your “let them” practice can slowly make it a bit easier.

Here are eight ways you can apply this mindset, even when it feels hard.

1. Notice when you’re trying to control

Start by noticing your impulse to manage someone else’s behavior. Ask yourself, “Are you overexplaining or trying to anticipate their reaction?” If so, these are signs that you’re trying to control an outcome.

Try this: When you feel the urge to control, gently pause for a breath or two to help interrupt the thought loop.

💙 Let go of the instinct to manage life around you by listening to Control with Tamara Levitt.

2. Use the phrase as a boundary reminder

When someone does something disappointing or triggering, simply repeat to yourself, “Let them.” This can serve as a cue to slow down and check in with your own boundaries before reacting.

Try this: If a friend excludes you from a group hangout, instead of spiraling into overthinking, repeat, “Let them.” Then ask, “What does this tell me about our friendship, and what do I need right now?”

💙 Learn more about where you draw the line in relationships by listening to A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren.

3. Make space for your feelings

The “let them” practice helps you to stop outsourcing your peace to other people’s behavior. But you’re still allowed to feel hurt or disappointed. So, give those feelings room without using them as a reason to chase or fix.

Try this: Journal, voice note, or text a trusted friend about how you're feeling. But remind yourself that you’re just venting. You’re not doing it to turn the moment into a mission to change the other person.

4. Focus on what’s actually in your control

Your energy, your decisions, and your boundaries are yours. But whether someone follows through or shows up the way you hoped is not. Instead of spiraling over someone else’s actions or lack thereof, focus on what’s in your control.

Try this: In triggering moments, use your clarity to decide how you want to proceed. Ask yourself, “If they never change, what do I need to feel grounded and okay?”

5. Learn the difference between distance and silence

Practicing the let them theory doesn’t mean withholding communication. It means choosing intentional distance when a dynamic is draining or one-sided.

Try this: If your sibling turns every call into criticism, stop picking up every time. This doesn't mean you block them — it just means you create a little space that protects your peace.

6. Don’t confuse “let them” with “accept mistreatment”

The “let them” mindset means acknowledging someone’s behavior and responding from a place of self-respect. It does not mean accepting someone being rude to you, mean to you, raising their voice, etc. It’s important to distinguish between letting a person have autonomy over their actions and allowing them to mistreat you.

Try this: If a coworker keeps taking credit for your ideas, set a boundary or have a conversation. You can also document it and bring it up calmly with your manager if needed.

7. Practice with low-stakes situations

This theory can take time to build, so start small and practice in low-stakes situations. For example, if your boss delivers feedback to you in a terse manner, let them. Perhaps they’re having a rough day and didn’t realize their tone. If a friend reschedules a coffee date again, let them. Maybe something came up, or they’re feeling low energy. Take yourself out for coffee anyway.

Try this: If a friend cancels, use this moment to notice your urge to react and choose a different kind of response. For example, you could say, “I can let them be who they are and still take care of myself.”

8. Reflect on what you’ve learned

Over time, “letting them” will reveal who people truly are, rather than who they claim to be. This may be painful sometimes. But it also gives you clearer data for deciding who belongs in your inner circle, what kind of behavior you’re available for, and how to trust your own instincts and intuition.

Try this: When you’re in the midst of processing someone who takes advantage of you, use journaling prompts like, “What did this reveal about them? About me? What do I want to do with that information?”

9. Reconnect with your values

It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re focused on keeping others happy. Practicing the let them theory can create space to ask: What kind of friend, partner, or person do I want to be? Instead of adjusting to fit others, you start anchoring to your own integrity.

Try: When you’re unsure how to respond, ask “What’s the most aligned next step for me — even if it’s not the most comfortable?”

Let them theory FAQs

Is the let them theory just about ignoring people?

The let them theory isn’t about ignoring people. It’s about choosing how much energy you’re willing to spend managing someone else’s behavior.

Sometimes this can look like taking space or stepping back from a relationship. But this doesn’t mean you have to emotionally shut down. You’re still allowed to feel, to care, and to communicate. You’re just not obligated to fix anything.

How can the let them theory help with anxiety?

Anxiety thrives in uncertainty and over-responsibility. The let them mindset helps create a buffer between someone else’s behavior and your nervous system. It asks you to learn to pause, observe, and let things unfold instead of immediately personalizing or problem-solving.

Basically, the theory gives you tools to regulate your anxiety because you’re no longer trying to control things that were never yours to carry.

Can I use the let them theory in all my relationships?

It depends on the relationship. The let them theory works best in situations where you’re giving more than you’re receiving or trying to manage someone else’s reactions to avoid discomfort. But in relationships that require ongoing care, like parenting or caregiving, it’s not always realistic or kind to just “let them.”

Instead, what you can do is use the mindset selectively. You can notice where you’re picking up responsibility that doesn’t belong to you and then practice letting go in those moments. Essentially, you can step back where you can, and hold your ground where it matters.

Is the let them theory the same as setting boundaries?

They’re not the exact same. Setting a boundary is an active choice. It’s something you say or do to protect your time, energy, or wellbeing. On the other hand, “let them” is typically internal. It’s the mental shift that stops you from chasing, convincing, or overexplaining.

You could think of it like boundaries are the lines you draw, and “let them” is what keeps you from stepping over your own line to meet someone where they refuse to meet you.

Is there a link between the let them theory and personal growth?

There is a link. The let them theory is about shifting from reaction to intention. It asks you to stop trying to control what’s outside of you and to start paying attention to your own needs, limits, and values. That’s personal growth in the quiet, foundational sense.

Plus, the theory can help you get clearer about what you want in your relationships and also help you handle disappointment.

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Calm Editorial Team