Cold feet? 10 tips for how to deal with marriage anxiety
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Feeling anxious about getting married? Learn what causes the different types of marriage anxiety, some of the common signs to look out for, and how to deal with it.
If you’re getting married soon, chances are you’ve been asked if you’re getting “cold feet” leading up to the big day. You may laugh it off or counter by sharing your excitement for this step, but the truth is that feeling anxious about getting married is a totally normal—and common—experience. A little bit of cold feet is to be expected.
This may be one of the biggest changes to your life so far, so it makes sense you’d have some nerves mixed in with all of the other feelings. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by the planning, worried about how your life will change, or even sad to leave your current life behind.
It’s okay to have worries and doubts before such a big life event, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your relationship.
If you’re feeling all the feels leading up to your wedding, we’ve got some tips to help you manage and walk into this next chapter with more ease.
What are the different types of marriage anxiety?
Marriage anxiety is often made up of a range of different fears and concerns. Pinpointing the main culprits behind your anxiety may make it easier to find ways to cope and feel more at ease.
Fear of commitment: The thought of being tied to one person forever might feel overwhelming.
Fear of the unknown: You might feel anxious about the future, how things will change or if you'll be happy.
Self-doubt: You may question whether you're good enough for your partner, or if you can handle the responsibilities of marriage.
Fear of change: Anxiety about losing your independence, or how your relationship will evolve.
Social pressure: You might worry about living up to expectations from family, friends, or society.
8 common signs of marriage anxiety
The cues that you’re struggling with marriage anxiety might show up in many different ways. Try to look out for these signs in the lead up to your wedding so you can better manage the feelings and ask for support if needed.
Constant worry: Frequently thinking about what could go wrong.
Avoidance: Putting off wedding planning or avoiding discussions about the future.
Physical symptoms: Feeling sick, having headaches, or trouble sleeping.
Irritability: Getting easily annoyed or frustrated with your partner.
Doubt: Second-guessing your decision to get married.
Overthinking: Looking for signs that something’s wrong with your relationship.
Emotional ups and downs: Fluctuating feelings can be confusing and exhausting.
Difficulty concentrating: You might find it difficult to concentrate at work, school, or even during your free time.
What causes marriage anxiety?
The reasons behind your anxiety about getting married are as unique as you are, but there are some general patterns to look out for. Use these as a jumping off point to discover what may be the underlying causes to your own anxiety and inform the steps you take to find relief.
Past experiences: If you've had difficult relationships in the past, or if your parents went through a tough divorce, you might carry those experiences into your current relationship. These past events might make you worry about repeating the same patterns.
Personal insecurities: You might feel like you're not good enough for your partner or worry that they might not love you forever, which can make you anxious about the future.
Life transitions: Getting married often comes with other big life changes, like moving to a new place, starting a new job, or considering having children. These may add to your stress and make you feel overwhelmed.
Relationship dynamics: Sometimes, issues within the relationship can cause anxiety. Maybe you and your partner have communication problems, unresolved conflicts, or different expectations about the future.
External pressures: Society, family, and friends might all put pressure on you, which can make you feel like you're not measuring up. You might feel like you need to have a perfect wedding, be a perfect partner, or live up to certain standards.
How to deal with marriage anxiety: 10 tips to help you cope with cold feet
So you’ve got cold feet, it happens. Remind yourself that it’s a normal part of the experience and there are things you can do to manage these feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. With the right support and self-care, you can walk into your future with more confidence and ease.
1. Be open with your partner
Share your feelings honestly so you can get the support you need. You may choose to focus on some of the causes behind your anxiety that you’ve uncovered to help your partner understand where you're coming from, and how they might show up for you. While it can feel scary, you’ll likely enhance your bond by walking through it together. And you never know, they may be feeling the same way!
💙 Learn how to practice Kind Communication—even with challenging topics—in this meditation from the Relationships with Others series.
2. Phone a friend
Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for advice and reassurance. You can be clear with them what type of support you are looking for — a listening ear, an unbiased take on your situation, or their own experience. Sometimes, just talking to someone who has been through it before can provide comfort and perspective.
💙 Explore how to Help Others Help You in this session from the Daily Jay.
3. Take care of yourself
Add self-care to the top of your wedding todo list! We know you’re busy, but it’s important to make time for activities that help you relax and reduce stress — here are 12 of our go-to relaxing activities. This might include exercise, meditation, reading, or spending time in nature. Prioritizing your wellbeing can help you feel more balanced mentally, physically, and emotionally. This balance will go a long way towards managing your marriage anxiety.
💙 If you’re short on time, Relax with the Breath in this 3-minute breathing exercise with Chibs Okerke.
4. Stay present
We know all of your attention is on the “big day” in the future, but it’s still possible to focus on the here and now. When you aren’t actively planning the future, try to let it go and just be here. This is a part of the wedding journey after all, don’t miss it all by worrying about the future! To help, try practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, paying attention to your senses, or getting absorbed in an activity you enjoy.
💙 Check out these 9 mindful tips to help you be more present and live in the moment — even when your wedding stress is high.
5. Set realistic expectations
Look, it won’t all be heart-eye emojis. Marriages, like any relationship, will have its ups and downs and that includes the path to getting married. Accepting that your journey—and emotions—will be messy at times can help to right size your expectations and reduce pressure on yourself and your partner.
💙 Practice releasing Expectations that aren’t serving you in this session of the Daily Calm.
6. Plan together
Work as a team with your partner as you plan your wedding. You might set up a weekly marriage meeting where you discuss wedding plans and responsibilities, or just tend to your relationships inside of all the lists and schedules. This can make the planning more enjoyable and less stressful, and may help you feel more connected.
7. Learn about marriage and what to expect
A little knowledge can go a long way to curb anxiety. Read books, attend premarital counseling, or take workshops to prepare you for what’s ahead. You’re not expected to know how to do something you’ve never done before, so study for this next chapter like you would any skill you’re trying to learn.
💙 Cultivate Curiosity in this session with Jay Shetty to help you step into your next relationship chapter.
8. Take breaks from wedding planning
Step away from the to-do lists when you feel overwhelmed, and spend quality time doing something fun and relaxing with your partner. This can help you recharge and come back to planning with a fresh perspective.
💙 Let these 20 mindful ideas inspire your next break.
9. Remind yourself why you decided to get married
It’s easy to forget that you wanted to do this whole marriage thing inside of all the stress, so give yourself a chance to refocus and remember why you’re doing it in the first place. Think about the love and commitment you share with your partner, and maybe your plans for the future. Focus on the positives of your relationship to help shift your mindset from anxiety to excitement.
💙 Reconnect to The ‘Why’ Behind Your Goals of getting married and advancing your relationship during this session of the Daily Jay.
10. Be patient with yourself
Understand that it’s okay to feel anxious and that these feelings won’t last forever. In fact, the whole thing may be over more quickly than you expect. Give yourself time to process your emotions and be kind to yourself during these intense months.
💙 If you’re low on Patience—we get it!—this session of the Daily Calm can help you practice.
What is gamophobia?
For most people, cold feet will come and go. But for some, there may be something a bit more serious behind their nagging anxieties.
Gamophobia—a fear of marriage and commitment—can be a deep, intense fear that affects your daily life and relationships, bringing an overwhelming anxiety at the thought of marriage. It may make you want to avoid any discussions about marriage or the future to avoid feelings of anxiety or panic. Even the thought of getting married might trigger a racing heart, sweating, or feeling sick. These reactions can prevent you from moving forward in your relationship.
This fear may happen after witnessing a difficult divorce or having gone through a painful breakup which creates a fear of repeating the same pain and disappointment. Or it may come from personal insecurities, like doubting your ability to be a good partner or worrying about losing your independence.
If you think you might have gamophobia, it's important to know that you're not alone. Talking to a therapist might help you understand the root of your fear, and develop coping strategies for your anxiety.
Be open and honest with your partner about your fears, so you can help them understand what you're going through. Together, you can work towards building a strong, trusting relationship that feels safe and secure, no matter your marriage status.
Marriage anxiety FAQs
Is it normal to have cold feet before a wedding?
It’s completely normal to have cold feet before a wedding. Feeling nervous or having doubts doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong decision, it simply means you know you’re making an important commitment.
Talk to your partner, friends, or family about your worries, as their reassurance may help you feel more at ease.
How can I overcome my fear of marriage?
Overcoming the fear of marriage may take time and effort, but it’s definitely possible. Start by identifying the root cause of your fear — are you worried about losing your independence, making a lifelong commitment, or something else?
Once you know what’s causing your anxiety, you can address it directly. Talk to your partner about your concerns, and get support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Take care of yourself through relaxation techniques, hobbies, and healthy habits to help reduce anxiety. These 12 relaxation ideas will help you calm your stress and anxiety.
How do I know if I have gamophobia?
If you find the idea of marriage causes you distress, and this fear affects your daily life or relationships, you might have gamophobia. Symptoms may include extreme anxiety at the thought of marriage, avoiding discussions about the future, and physical symptoms like panic attacks.
Talk to a mental health professional if you think you might have gamophobia. They can provide a proper diagnosis and offer strategies to manage your fear.
What are some common triggers of marriage anxiety?
Marriage anxiety may be triggered by several factors.
Past experiences, such as previous relationships or family history of divorce
Personal insecurities, like feeling unworthy or fearing rejection
Major life transitions, such as moving to a new place or starting a new job
Relationship dynamics, including communication issues or unresolved conflicts
External pressures from family, friends, or society
How can couples therapy help with marriage anxiety?
Couples therapy can be incredibly helpful for managing marriage anxiety. A therapist can help you and your partner discuss your fears and concerns openly, allowing you to understand each other better.
Therapy can help resolve conflicts, build stronger relationship skills, and create a supportive environment for discussing future plans.
Are there any long-term effects of untreated marriage anxiety?
Untreated marriage anxiety may cause long-term effects. Ongoing stress and worry might strain your relationship, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. It may also affect your physical health, causing issues like headaches, insomnia, and weakened immunity.
In severe cases, untreated anxiety can lead to mental health problems such as depression. Addressing your anxiety early on can prevent these long-term effects and help ensure a healthy, happy marriage.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
