What to say to someone with anxiety (and what to avoid)

Stress & AnxietyRelationships

Oct 13

Written By Calm Editorial Team

image of what to say to someone with anxiety

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Not sure what to say to an anxious loved one? Here's what to say (and what to avoid) to someone with anxiety to help them feel understood, supported, and less alone.

When you love someone who struggles with anxiety, it can be tough to know how to support them. Maybe you’ve tried to be comforting by telling them “don’t worry” or “just breathe,” only to have them react in anger. Or maybe you’ve jumped into problem-solving mode and noticed that that seemed to stress them out even more.

It’s a common struggle: Anxiety is deeply real for the person experiencing it, yet hard for others to understand. And if you can’t relate to what they’re going through, how can you possibly know how to respond?

The key lies in offering steady, supportive words that remind them they’re not alone — not necessarily fixing their feelings or finding a magic phrase that makes it disappear. Of course, that’s often easier said than done.

So, here are some suggestions for what to say—and what to avoid—if a friend confides in you that they feel anxious.

How to know if someone is struggling with anxiety

Anxiety looks different for everyone. Sure, it can cause you to breathe into a paper bag or sob hysterically, but more often than not, it shows up in quieter ways that are easier to miss.

Here are six signs that you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety:

Physical restlessness: Tapping feet, fidgeting, or seeming unable to relax
Ongoing worry: Expressing “what if” scenarios or feeling stuck in loops of concern
Avoidance: Pulling back from social plans, work responsibilities, or places that feel overwhelming
Irritability or fatigue: Snapping more easily than usual or seeming worn out without explanation
Difficulty concentrating: Forgetting details, or struggling to stay focused
Body signals: Experiencing headaches, stomachaches, muscle tension, or trouble sleeping

What to say to someone with anxiety

It can be tempting to jump in with reassurance or solutions when someone you care about is spiraling, but usually what they really need most is connection.

To help someone you know dealing with anxiety, here are six compassionate phrases you can use:

“I’m here for you.” This reassures them that they don’t have to explain everything to be supported.
“That sounds really hard.” Naming the difficulty can help validate their experience instead of minimizing it.
“You’re not alone in this.” Anxiety can feel isolating. This is a gentle reminder that you care and are there for them.
“Would it help if I stayed with you right now?” Giving them a choice offers comfort, but also respects their boundaries.
“Thank you for trusting me with this.” Sharing feelings of anxiety can be vulnerable, and acknowledging that effort shows respect for their openness.
“Do you want to talk about it, or just sit together?” A question like this gives them control over how much they share. This can feel grounding when their anxiety makes life feel out of control.

Also, it’s important to note that if you stumble or don’t know exactly what to say, that’s okay. A calm presence and a willingness to listen are typically more valuable than perfectly chosen words.

What not to say to someone with anxiety (and why)

Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, you might say something that makes someone with anxiety feel dismissed or judged.

Here are some phrases to avoid — and why they often backfire:

“Just relax.” This suggests that they’re failing at something easy, which can add guilt on top of their stress.
“You’re overreacting.” The word “overreacting” can invalidate their experience and cause them to shut down.
“Don’t worry about it.” A phrase like this can dismiss the very thing weighing on them. Worry isn’t a switch they can flip off.
“Everyone gets stressed sometimes.” This comparison minimizes what they’re going through and can make them feel like they “should” be coping better.
“Why can’t you just think positively?” A question like this suggests that anxiety is a mindset problem, when in reality it’s a complex mental health condition.
“You’ll be fine.” This statement skips over what they’re actually feeling in the moment, and it can come across as dismissive.

How to support someone with anxiety: 12 tips for caring for anxious loved ones

Helping someone with anxiety can feel overwhelming if you’re not sure what to say. But if you lead with compassion and presence, chances are you’ll make them feel seen and heard. Here are 12 ways you can help your loved one cope the next time they feel anxious.

1. Start with validation

Validation reduces shame and defensiveness and lays the groundwork for any next step.

One way you could validate your loved one is by saying, “Thanks for telling me. This sounds really hard.”

2. Ask what helps

Asking what they need helps them maintain a sense of control, which can be grounding.

Try a question like: “In moments like this, what feels most helpful — quiet company, a walk, or distraction?”

3. Mind your pace

Gently offer to help, but don’t push. Pressure can spike their anxiety and backfire.

You could start this conversation by saying, “No rush, we can go as slowly as you need…”

4. Use steady and concrete language

Overexplaining can overwhelm. Instead, try to remain calm and use simple words: “I just want you to know that you’re safe. I’m here.”

5. During panic

In moments of panic, stay with them, speak softly, and help them focus on just one thing, like their breath.

Also, be sure to ask before you touch them. You might say, “Would you like a hand on your shoulder, or a little space?”

💙 Panic SOS with Tamara Levitt is a great tool for someone who’s struggling to get back to baseline.

6. Build a simple “in-the-moment” plan

Help your loved one create a two-step playbook for when anxiety hits.

Step one is naming the anxiety, and step two is doing a grounding exercise. They might inhale while counting to four, holding for four, and exhaling for six.

7. Support treatment without playing therapist

Remind your friend or family member that there’s no shame in seeking out professional support if anxiety feels all-consuming. You could offer to help them find options or even sit with them in the waiting room. Just remember that your role is to support them, not offer a diagnosis.

💙 Listening to Tools for Stress and Anxiety with Dr. Julie Smith can provide your loved one with new ideas for how to cope.

8. Learn the reassurance trap

The endless loop of asking, “Are you sure?” and responding with, “It’ll be fine,” can provide quick relief, but doesn’t do much in the long term.

Try pivoting by telling them, “Uncertainty is tough. What’s one step you can take while not knowing for sure?”

9. Offer practical help that lowers friction

Anxiety can drain executive function, but small assists—ordering their groceries during a rough patch, for example—can create a little breathing room for them.

10. Texting counts

Grounding texts can bridge distance and help them feel connected.

Try, “Thinking of you. I’m here if you want company,” or “Want distraction? I can call in 10.”

11. Prepare for panic aftercare

Anxiety spirals can be exhausting. When it passes, check in with a gentle debrief like, “What helped? What should we try next time?”

12. Protect your own bandwidth

Caregivers matter, too. Set kind limits, share the support load with others when possible, and have your own outlets. Sustainable support is the most effective kind.

What to say to someone with anxiety FAQs

What are some comforting things to say to someone with anxiety?

Don’t worry about finding the perfect comforting words to say to someone with anxiety. The real key is to show up with empathy. Simple phrases like “I’m here for you,” “That sounds really tough,” or “You don't have to go through this alone,” are important reminders that you see their struggle and care about their wellbeing.

It’s also okay to admit that you don’t know what to say. Try: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I want to be here for you.” That type of honesty can feel more grounding than a polished, hollow reassurance.

Should I talk about anxiety directly or avoid the topic?

There’s no one right way to talk about anxiety. Some people find it validating when loved ones directly name anxiety, while others feel spotlighted.

If you’d like to broach this topic, try asking, “Would you like to talk about what’s going on, or would you rather do something distracting together?” This gives the other person control over the depth of the conversation and shows you’re open to doing what works best for them.

What if I accidentally say the wrong thing to an anxious loved one?

If you realize you’ve said something unhelpful, that’s okay. Repair the moment with a simple acknowledgment: “I see that wasn’t helpful, I’m sorry. Thanks for telling me.”

Most people with anxiety know their feelings are complex and difficult to understand, and they’ll value your willingness to listen and adjust far more than they’ll remember a misstep. It’s the pattern of care over time that matters, not one imperfect sentence.

How can I calm someone during a panic attack?

To calm someone during a panic attack, stay calm yourself, speak gently, and let them know they’re safe. You could also say something like, “I’m here with you. This will pass.”

Be sure to avoid overwhelming them with too many instructions. Instead, offer one grounding technique if they’re open to it, like counting breaths together or naming objects in the room.

Is texting supportive words helpful for anxiety?

Yes, it can be very helpful to text supportive words to someone who’s struggling with anxiety. In fact, sometimes it’s even more supportive than a phone call because it allows the person to read and respond on their own timeline. Sending something like “Thinking of you, no need to reply,” can ease their feelings of isolation without adding pressure.

Texting also works well for gentle check-ins, reminders that someone cares, and sharing a small distraction like a funny photo.

Calm your mind. Change your life.

Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.

Anxiety

Calm Editorial Team