What to say (and not say) when someone loses a parent
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
From heartfelt texts to in-person check-ins, here’s what to say (and not say) when someone loses a parent. Plus, explore practical ways to show up meaningfully.
Losing a parent is a life-altering event, and if you’re watching someone you love move through that kind of pain, it’s tough to know how to help. Should you call or should you wait? Is a text more appropriate? And when you do reach out, what do you say?
You probably already know that there’s no perfect script, but that’s okay: Your job isn’t to erase the pain. Instead, it’s to help carry it.
Here you’ll find suggestions for how to support a grieving friend or family member in practical ways. After all, while you can’t take away someone’s grief, you can make sure they don’t have to go through it alone… and that matters.
What to say when someone loses a parent
Most people don’t need you to have the perfect words. They just need to know they’re not alone. The instinct to reach out is the right one, even if you’re not sure what to say. Just show up sincerely, and make sure that they know they don’t have to respond if they don’t feel like it (especially if the conversation is happening via text).
Here are a few messages that are comforting without being performative:
“I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.”
“I don’t have the right words, but I’m thinking of you and your family.”
“This must be so hard. How are you holding up today?”
“Your mom/dad was so special. I’m grateful I got to know them.”
“I’m here to listen, no matter what you want to say.”
What not to say when someone loses a parent
When you care deeply about someone, it’s painful to see them hurting. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to try to make things better. But even well-meaning words can land wrong in grief. Certain phrases, especially those meant to comfort by offering perspective or meaning, can feel dismissive, minimizing, or even hurtful.
Read more: How to communicate better with all the people in your life
If the phrase shifts attention away from their experience and toward your need to fix, reassure, or wrap things up neatly, it’s important to note that you may be more focused on your discomfort than their healing.
Here are a few common phrases to avoid:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They’re in a better place.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
“Be strong.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
How to support someone who has lost a parent: 9 mindful tips
You don’t need to make a dramatic gesture to offer support. Instead, focus on being a steady, compassionate presence when everything else feels unsteady. Grief can be unpredictable, isolating, and deeply personal, so your support needs to be flexible, respectful, and ongoing.
1. Ask what they need — and then ask again later
Their needs will keep changing as they navigate grief. In the early days, they might want space or silence, but weeks later, they could want company or distraction. Allow for flexibility, asking them what they need again and again.
A few examples:
“How can I best support you today?”
“Is there anything you don’t want to talk about right now?”
“Do you want company, or do you want quiet today?”
Even if they don’t know how to answer, these questions remind them that you’re available and that they don’t have to navigate things alone if they don’t want to.
💙 Practice the art of mindful Listening in your friendships from the Relationships with Others series with Tamara Levitt.
2. Offer specific, tangible help
Open-ended offers like “Let me know if you need anything” can feel overwhelming. Instead, offer a few concrete options they can say yes or no to.
Try:
“Can I drop off a meal this week?”
“Want me to take the dog out for a walk?”
“Would it help if I handled that email/errand/appointment?”
Follow through and keep offering. People often decline help out of politeness, but they may accept it later.
3. Respect their rhythm
Grief isn’t linear. Some days might seem okay, while others could be impossibly heavy for them. Cancelled plans, delayed replies, and sudden mood swings are part of the process, so make sure you don’t take them personally.
Instead of pushing for normalcy, match their pace with the following phrases:
“Totally okay if today isn’t a good day to talk.”
“Thinking of you. No pressure to reply.”
Let them lead the way, and then follow with patience (here are seven tips to help).
4. Share memories or stories
If you knew their parent, consider gently offering a memory if they want it. Hearing about how others saw their loved one can be incredibly meaningful, especially when they feel like they’re the only one missing them.
A few compliments you can try (but also feel free to share your own personal memories):
“I always admired your dad’s sense of humor.”
“Your mom once told me the funniest story about you as a kid, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”
If you’re unsure, you can also ask, “Would it feel comforting to talk about them?”
5. Be present
You don’t have to say the perfect thing. In fact, you don’t have to say much at all. Sometimes, simply sitting in silence with someone, making them a cup of tea, or sending a brief text to let them know you’re there for them can matter.
After all, grief can feel like everyone’s moving on while they’re still stuck in the pain. Showing up calmly can help the other person know they’re not alone.
Read more: Grief meditation: How to use mindfulness to heal after loss
6. Make sure to keep checking in after the first few weeks
The immediate aftermath of loss is often a blur of flowers, cards, and messages, but grief takes time to process. It often lingers in the background and flares up unpredictably. It can also be invisible to others, which is why you need to check in even after the first few weeks. Set reminders if you need to.
Here are some things to say a few weeks after the fact:
“I was thinking about you this morning. How are you doing this week?”
“Just wanted to say hi and remind you I’m around if you ever want to talk.”
It’s also important to note that anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can be especially hard. Mark those dates and reach out.
Read more: What are the five stages of grief? Plus, how long they last
7. Don’t make things about you
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, comparing your grief to theirs can be insensitive. Each person’s journey is different. Instead of saying things like “When my mom died… ” try “I remember how disorienting everything felt. I’m here for you.”
You can be empathetic, but remember that they may not need the same things you did, and you should honor that.
💙 Explore the act of Empathy during this Daily Calm session with Tamara Levitt.
8. Create small rituals together
Offer to join them in meaningful rituals if that feels right. You’ll be able to commemorate their parents’ memory, and it can also be a bonding experience.
A few examples of rituals you can try include the following:
Lighting a candle together
Visiting a place their parent loved
Listening to music that their parent enjoyed
Creating a shared memory jar to collect photos and mementos
Sharing quiet time
9. Validate their grief
There’s no right way to grieve, as everyone manages it differently. Some people might cry openly, while others shut down. Still others might numb out or get angry at everyone and everything. It doesn’t matter how they grieve, as long as you hold space for it.
Here are a few things you could say in support:
“You’re valid for feeling all the things.”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
“I’m here for all of it — the quiet days, the weird days, and the sad days.”
Even if you feel helpless, your willingness to stay present and open makes a difference. Sometimes, the most powerful support comes simply from witnessing and accepting someone’s pain, no matter what it looks like.
💙 Understand the grieving process better with the Grief series with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, PhD.
What to say when someone loses a parent FAQs
What’s the best message to send when someone loses a parent?
The most supportive messages are simple, sincere, and pressure-free. A thoughtful message might say, “I just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry, and no matter what you need, I’m here for you.”
You can also add, “No need to respond. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.” This gives your friend space while reminding them they’re not alone.
The goal isn’t to take away their pain, but instead, make sure that they feel supported through it. Here are five tips to guide you.
What should I not say to someone who’s grieving?
Avoid any phrase that starts with “at least” or tries to offer perspective in a way that dismisses the reality of their pain. Sayings like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” might seem comforting on the surface, but they can often feel invalidating.
Don’t rationalize their grief. If you’re unsure what to say, it’s okay to admit that by offering, “I don’t have the right words, but I care about you and I’m here.” Honesty lands far better than trying to smooth over a wound.
How do I support someone who lost a step-parent or parent figure?
Step-parents, guardians, and chosen parent figures can hold just as much emotional weight as biological parents. In this case, the best thing you can do is honor the depth of that bond. Avoid diminishing language like, “Well, they weren’t your real parent,” and instead focus on acknowledging the relationship by saying something along the lines of, “I know how much they meant to you. I’m so sorry.”
If you’re not sure what language feels right to them, it’s okay to ask gently, “Would it feel supportive to call them your parent when we talk about them?” Giving them space to define their own grief is a powerful way to validate it.
Is it okay if I don’t know what to say at all?
Yes. Grief is one of those life experiences where words can feel inadequate, and that’s okay. You don’t need to offer perfect advice or emotional wisdom. Just showing up with honesty and care matters.
Saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to stay silent,” can be incredibly grounding for someone in mourning, especially since silence can often feel like abandonment. Your imperfect presence is always better than disappearing because you’re unsure.
How long should I check in with them after the loss?
Keep checking in, even if it’s weeks or months after the fact. The first few days after a loss are usually filled with support, but once the memorial is over, grief can often sharpen because your friend can start feeling like they should have moved on by now. That’s why those quiet, in-between weeks and months are when your care is needed the most.
Try setting a reminder to check in one month, three months, and six months later. On milestone days that could be even more difficult—like birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays—send a short message like, “Thinking of you today. I know this might be a tough one.”
Just reminding them that they’re remembered can bring real comfort.
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